...some days it is so bad, it seems my heart hurts so much that just taking a deep breath is difficult.

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
~Carrie Fisher

I'm dealing with the ugly sin of jealousy right now. Man, I wish I could just leave it at the feet of Jesus and go on with my life, but sometimes it is SO hard.

At the moment I am (quite against my will) on prednisone for some mysterious allergic reaction that had me swollen and itchy and my face was basically one giant hive. The swelling has gone down thanks to the meds, but the crazy, madness inducing itchy hives are still there. That, with the nasty side effects of the drug have me at basically the worst version of myself. I'm fighting it, but today just isn't my day.

I have been a part of a mom's bible study for several months now and my son and I have loved getting to know the ladies and kids in it. We both look forward to our mornings with these people. Today we had a play date and despite feeling like a giant bloated blob, I went, knowing that Henry would have a blast with his fiends. Despite the headache and nausea I was fighting, I was even having a good time. I really love that I am able to show up with no makeup, a baggy T and yoga pants and I don't feel judged at all. Actually, I get looks of compassion and nods of comradery from fellow mamas who have all been there.

As I said, Jealousy - back to that. Today was not the day to have it raise it's ugly head. I was busy chasing after H, helping him climb up a jungle gym, and still trying to listen to the conversation I was forced to leave with the other parents. One of the moms subtilly announced her new pregnancy and was asking about the dynamic change with two vs. three kids. I knew she didn't think I heard, and she wasn't trying to keep it from me, but I was glad to have the excuse to pretend I hadn't heard her and just focus on my little guy for a while. Her oldest is only a few months older than Henry, and she has a baby who is only about 7 months old. She is pregnant again. Here is this person I have known for 11 years, we have many things in common, live much the same lives, etc. and yet, we are SO different. We all have our struggles, and I know that hers are just beginning. She has her hands more than full, and I'm sure she wishes some days she only had one little one to care for (only rarely though - she is a great mama to her beautiful little girls.) The other moms were talking, one holding her tiny new daughter (her 4th child - I also went to college with her and have known her for 11 years) another, a mom of 4 was there and then a dad who brought his kids because his wife was at an OB appointment (and she is nearing the end of her 4th pregnancy.) They all had something to add to the conversation, and I just felt a little at a loss.

This issue is SUCH a sensitive one for me that at any time it would've made me sad, but today, on the medicine that turns me into the wicked witch of the west, I couldn't handle it. Trying to keep up with Henry, force down my pre existent nausea and ignore my headache in the Oklahoma heat and humidity was hard enough, but the added gut punch of sudden onset jealousy was too much. I excused myself not long after that, using Henry's nap time and my being on meds as an excuse (both valid ones though.)

Why do I do this? Why do I get so hurt when those I am close to get these blessings? I am happy for them. I don't wish my issues on them, and I would never want to take their joy from them. So WHY the need to cry into or punch my pillow? 90% of the time I am happy to only have Henry. I am not sure I would want another baby at this point any way, and I am beginning to be ok with the possibility of having only one child. However, that dream of a big family and all those squishy babies is a hard one to push aside. Although it isn't, every time a friend announces a new pregnancy, I feel it is a slap in the face. It is them getting something I can never have. In the last year I have legitimately thought I was pregnant 2 times. I was more than two weeks late, and having all the early symptoms. I have even tested and both times it was negative, only to have my flow start the next day. I keep holding out for that miracle that medically is a complete impossibility.

This is my biggest area I struggle with. Any other area of life I am content with others being successful. If I truly wanted what they have, all I have to do is work hard enough, and want it bad enough and I can get it too if I desire it. However, no matter how much I hope and wish and pray, no matter how much I adjust our diets and environmental factors, infertility is still there, following us like a dark shadow. No matter how much money we make or don't make we can never create life on our own.

We have come to the difficult decision to not do IVF again. First, we can't even dream of affording it again, and we just don't think even if we could afford it that we should go that route. We are glad we did it with Henry and we will never regret that decision, but we don't think that forcing a second life into the world is the right path for us. Some day we might adopt or foster, but we haven't quite gotten to the point of a serious decision on that yet.

Most days I can be ok with the life I have been given. Most days I can use my story to help those who are struggling with similar issues. Most days I really don't even think about it honestly - it's just part of life for us. But some days it is so bad, it seems my heart hurts so much that just taking a deep breath is difficult. It is almost like when I hear of someone being pregnant that I loose my babies all over again. Every month I get a period and every negative test I take is a loss, but one I am not socially allowed to grieve. When will it stop hurting? When will I be able to be 100% happy for others and not have that lining of jealousy that poisons my joy for them?