Crazy little thing called life

This has been a crazy year of firsts. It has been a year of ups and downs, lots of snuggles and drying tears. It was the best and the worst year of my life. Anyone who has held their baby in their arms and rejoiced at their latest accomplishment while mourning for the quickly passing time knows what I am talking about. I will admit that finding the balance of the two, and not letting myself be depressed has been incredibly hard. I had a conversation with my husband last night, and it went something like this: "So, are all moms like this, and the dads are forced to be the only normal ones?" I laughed and told him "Absolutely."

Mom brain is real. Before having my son, I responded differently to things. I had myself to worry about and that was it. Yeah, there were others in my life, but they were not 100% dependent on me. I could care for them, but I was not their caretaker. Jessica had a good idea of her boundaries and her dislikes and likes. She knew who she was and was comfortable being herself. She could let some things roll off her back that bothered her and ignore other things going on around her. She saw life through a filter she had developed over 28 years. Then comes Mom. Mom is an infant herself. Mom has never experienced any of these firsts either. Mom may be the most educated she has ever been in her life (Because, of course, Jessica can't make a decision without reading at least 3 articles of varying sources and points of view on the subject) and while she is confident in her abilities, she is also the most scared she has ever been. Mom is not as much scared of sickness, etc. but of doing things right. She is scared of the world her son will grow up in. She has nightmares of the future and what her son will experience. Every aspect of Mom's life, including what should be in the 'Jessica' category is affected by 'mom brain'. Mom is seeing through a filter that is new to her. Mom is facing decisions and having thoughts that Jessica never even dreamed of. Mom is testing and experimenting with her boundaries, trying to find out what they are. The hardest part is that just as she thinks she has found them, the child she loves and is concerned about up and changes on her, and all her work has to be reevaluated. To top it all off, Jessica is struggling with mom's new body, etc. Mom lives on coffee and string cheese. Mom has not slept through the night in over a year. Jessica took for granted her alone time and mom is thrilled to just get to use the bathroom alone. It is exhausting. Mom rarely lets Jessica take command, not because she is controlling, but because she always has to be 'on'. Only mom truly knows what 24/7 means.

Sometimes I miss Jessica. Sometimes, I let her come out when the baby is asleep. Yesterday, while the baby was napping, I sat on the couch in my filthy house (seriously, it was BAD) and ate popcorn and watched TV. I could 'hear' mom yelling at Jessica to get up and do the dishes and decide what to make for dinner. She begged to take advantage of the quiet time to get her job done, but Jessica won out. Someday I know that Mom will get the hang of things, and Jessica will be able to shine through more often, but right now, Mom is the star. I think that this is normal. I think that the 'mama bear' part of all of us is what keeps our species alive. This is a season, and it is a relatively short one. (Mom has only been around for less than a year, and she is already giving Jessica gray hair) Mom will never disappear, she is here to stay, but she will not always get to be the one running things. Life will change again, and her child will grow and become more independent. She will have to constantly evolve and find a way to be ok with it. Mom will never stop experiencing firsts, and she will always mourn for time passed.

The 'mom filter' is one I cherish. It's the filter that allows me to read the Tractor book 15 times in a row, (The Jessica filter would love to throw it across the room, or maybe burn it.) It allows me to cook dinner or clean the house with a child literally hanging off of me. Mom isn't just my new job, it is who I am. It is impossible to separate 'Jessica' and 'Mom'. While I dreamed of being Mom all my life, actually experiencing being mom has been different than I expected. Not worse, not better, just different. Even when I was pregnant, my expectations and plans were far from what reality actually held for me. I had an idea of what my mom filter would be, and I thought it was actually pretty strong, but my son was born, and that filter shattered. I have since been developing it every day this entire year. Things I thought would matter to me are inconsequential. Things that never occurred to me before are vitally important. Relationships and boundaries that were fine, or tolerated by Jessica have had to be evaluated and dealt with as Mom. Nothing is the same. This makes life a bit difficult for the "normal" dad and others around this new mom. I understand that and acknowledge that, but it does not change, cheapen or diminish the mom filter and the decisions and boundaries it develops.

One thing that I think all new moms would like people to understand is that despite all the advice, and the love being shown (or piled on) them, they are going to do what is right for them, and their family. Your experiences, filers and boundaries are valid, but they are not that of this new mom. Your love and support may be well meaning, but be given in a way or in an amount that infringes on the boundaries of the new mom. You may look at her child and want to bond with it or spend as much time with it as possible, but that new mom is not concerned with that. Your feelings in relation to her child are not her primary concern. She knows that those things, your relationship and bonding, etc. will come with time. Right now, it's her turn.

Luckily, this mom has a very awesome "normal" dad to parent with and he understands the struggle between who I am and who I was. He understands that although I have managed to keep our son alive for a year, and I am gaining control of the mom part of my life, it is all still relatively new to me. He understands that this tiny little human that is under my (our) care means more to me than my own life, and that I would do anything to protect and to take care of him. The mom filter is not perfect. She over reacts and maybe sets boundaries based on perception more than reality. (although, some would argue that one's perception is their reality, but that is getting deeper than I want to go with this post) She knows this. She struggles with this. Fear not and hang in there. If you respect these boundaries, and don't push them. If you allow this new mom to work things out and not break down the walls and supports she is building, she will make an opening. There will be a gate in her fence, and she will find ways to let you in. However, if you trespass, if you take for granted how much of 'Jessica' is left in 'Mom' and trample her walls, it is going to be difficult for you to go through those inevitable gates. Just because something is this way right now does not mean that it will forever be this way.

I would love for my son to stay a little baby, but every day he grows and changes. Those snuggles are being replaced with exploring his world and learning and growing. Time is going by far too quickly and I am doing my best to cope with it.