I am choosing to lay all of those fears, both legitimate, and imagined at the feet of my Savior

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
~Romans 8:28 (NIV)

November 17th, 2016

I woke up this morning needing to pray and sort out my emotions on this whole thing. Yesterday was our first appointment, and I had my first round of blood work done. Things got real, to say the least. This is something I have prepared for. I have prayed about it and shed many tears over it. I am ready for it.

But, I am not.

I woke up, almost feeling like a selfish person for wanting to create this life. Then, it hit me: This is a LIFE. I am not just bringing in a new squishy baby, or simply a sibling for my son. This is a life (maybe two) and I should be scared. The responsibility is incredible. Yes, this little person will be loved, and no, we aren't creating it for our own entertainment, but somehow in all this, despite my firm feelings of love for this person not yet on this earth, I hadn't really viewed it as a life.

I have been imagining and preparing for how our house would need changes for a new baby. I have been thinking about how Henry would love a sibling, and I have been dreading another difficult birth, but all of this is about me, my feelings, or other's feelings. The importance of what we are doing really hit me this morning.

Yes, we have done this before, and I'm sure I had the same realization at some point with my first round, but I don't remember it weighing on me like it does this time. Last time, we went in with no expectations and things got started so quickly (At this point in the process last time, I would already be in the car on the way to my first ultrasound and orr test.) Last time, there was no waiting and wondering or really, much time to think at all. Decisions were made as they were presented to us, and we had really no information or research on the issues to make informed decisions. In a way, the unknown was easier to manage than the now familiar process.

One of the temptations I am facing is comparing this cycle to my last one. That is dangerous. Every cycle is incredibly different. Eery cycle produces so many variables that even the Dr. doesn't have a clue how it will turn out. My expectations are high for this round, because our last one went so smoothly. (In retrospect it didn't feel like it as it was happening) Expectations and comparisons are dangerous in so many areas of life, not just with IVF.

We discussed this in our church small group Sunday night. We talked about being grateful for what we have, because so many people have so much less. I know that many times this is how we view our lives, comparing ourselves on a sliding scale to others and saying, "Well, I don't have it that bad." I didn't think it was wrong to think that way, and really, it isn't. We should be grateful for what we have.

Maybe though, instead of viewing our level of gratefulness in light of someone else's circumstances, we need to thank God for where we are right now in our own lives, compared to no one else. Living a life with a grateful heart and without a grumbling spirit to me, takes the comparison factor completely out of the equation. I am not happy or fulfilled in direct proportion to someone else's level of happiness. I can't look at my neighbor who drives a beat up old truck and say, well, that makes me thankful for my 14 year old yukon - it's old, but it still looks great.

Sometimes, yes, other's situations remind us to be grateful for what we have, but we can not depend on the comparison for our daily dose of gratefulness. I am working to be grateful for who I am in Christ every day, for no other reason than the Cross. In light of Christ's sacrifice for me, and my privilege to be His child, nothing else matters, and I am thankful and grateful for my life because of my life.

Yes, the temptation is great to complain about having to do IVF again. Right now, I could have a long list of complaints, purely based on another person's success at getting pregnant 'the old fashioned way.' My sister recently announced her 4th pregnancy. Yeah, for an instant, I was tempted to be jealous. I admit, there have been many fights between my sister and myself, which resulted in heartache and separation, all stemming from my jealousy of her ability to get pregnant. We spent a couple of years as strangers and had virtually no relationship because of hurt feelings and feelings of guilt on both sides. Looking back, that is one of my biggest regrets. I wish I had known then what I know now.

When she announced this pregnancy, I simply moved past the hurt of another pregnancy and chose to simply be happy for my sister because of no other reason than I love her and all of her beautiful children. Ranking our happiness or gratefulness on a scale with others also means that when others get more than you, or are seemingly happier than you, your own happiness, dependent on the comparison of theirs, decreases. I know, like I said, I have been there. My sister and I were able to have a quiet moment together after she announced, and I was heart broken when she told me her first thought was of me when she knew she was pregnant. She cried and regretted her pregnancy in the light of me not being able to get pregnant. She didn't want to tell me, not because she didn't want to share with me, but because she didn't want to hurt me.

I get it. Based on my reactions in the past, and our previous relationship, I can understand her hesitation. I am also blessed that she loves me enough that she hurt for me even in her joy. However, I am incredibly sad that I have lived in the past in a way that would take some of the happiness and excitement out of someone else's situation because of fear of how I would react. Think about it.

I think this theory, this way of thinking about my life is part of what has me questioning this IVF cycle. Despite really wanting another baby, I AM happy. I am not dependent on this new child to make me happy or to complete myself. It took me a few minutes to think through the emotions and the mom brain fog I seem to always have, but I finally figured it out.

I have to approach this IVF cycle with fresh expectations and anticipating a new life for the sake of the new life, not as a quantifier to any happiness or relationships that already exist. I love this new baby for who it is and will be, not for what it can bring to my life. This takes a lot of the fear out of the situation for me, from a parenting perspective. There is still plenty of fear of the unknown, the procedure its self and the chance of failure. I am choosing to lay all of those fears, both legitimate, and imagined at the feet of my Savior and try to simply believe that "All things work together for the good of those who are called according to His purpose."

January, Here we come!!

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”
~Lamentations 3:22-24

November 16th, 2016

Today, we had our initial consultation for our IVF session. Wow. Even though we didn't really learn anything new, it is so good to finally have hat over with and have a bit of a schedule to go by. I showed up with my notebook and list of questions, and I didn't really need them. I love our Dr. He is matter-of-fact and straight forward. Despite the giant list of labs he ordered for us, he said that there were a lot of tests, (genetic, etc) that are already in the system and that we won't be repeating. I'm all about no paying for tests again, so thats great.

Our lab orders we were given today are really un fair. Cam had a list of 5 items or so, and I had about 2x that many. I will say, after our first IVF, I had iron veins, and I had almost gotten over my fear of needles. I was shocked to go in to the lab today and have sweaty palms. I began to dread it, but the wait wasn't long. I warned the Phlebotomists (fancy name for the nurse who takes your blood) that I am a hard stick and that I hate needles. She felt around both arms until she found a good vein and got me on the first stick. I did close my eyes for it, but it wasn't all that bad. Some of my tolerance for blood draws must have lingered even after 3 years. This nurse was amazing. My blood was flowing slowly, but she filled all 5 vials of blood from that initial stick. I am actually pretty proud of myself for watching them fill up.

We don't have an exact date yet for our January cycle, but we were told that we would be able to go in January.

A blessing that we were not expecting, is that insurance (not the same one we had before) is covering a lot of the ultrasounds, blood work, etc. the first time around none of that was covered. We will see what happens when our provider gets the bills and processes them. I bet we end up with a letter saying we owe something other than the co-pay. BUT, I am happy for any help we are getting that we were not expecting. As this is an incredibly expensive procedure, and help is welcomed.

God has all of this in His capable hands and it will work out as He sees fit.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
~Jeremiah 1:5 (NIV)

November 16th, 2016

This morning, I find myself pacing the floors, trying to keep my nervousness and excitement in check. I have attempted to clean the kitchen, but am even too distracted to accomplish that task. Earlier, I had a couple of errands to run, including taking the dog to the groomer. It was only after completing some errands and heading to the groomers that I realized I had left the dog at home.

Today is the first of many Dr.'s appointments for our 2nd attempt at IVF. We had thought we were together on the decision to not do it again, but after much discussion, prayer, and looking throughly at our options, we decided to do the procedure. We had a plan in place, which included a Dr.'s visit in January, followed by a possible March cycle. We sat on that decision, praying and talking about it for several weeks. These weeks, I have been working on dropping some extra baby weight I never lost with H, and I have been in the final weeks of weaning him. On a side note, It has now been 3 days since he last nursed, and I am glad to be done, and also really sad that he is one step closer to being a big boy.

Monday of this week, Cam and I talked about the IVF procedure again, and decided it was time to call in and make our appointment. Cam said to, "Make it as soon as possible." Thinking it would be much like the first time, and we would have to wait months for he appointment, I was shocked when we were offered a Wednesday appointment, for that same week. There was a cancelation right before I called, and the time slot was mine if I want it. Of course, I texted Cam, asking if he really meant 'as soon as possible', and then took the appointment. I asked the nurse / scheduling lady about the possibility of doing a January cycle, since we would have plenty of time to do all the testing, etc. required before the procedure. She was confident that, if the Dr. agreed, we would be able to do a January cycle.

JANUARY!!! I could be pregnant as early as the end of January! In my mind, I have been preparing to do a March cycle, and to be pregnant by the end of March. Pushing the timeline up by 2 months means I will be nearly through my first trimester by the time I had originally planned on getting pregnant.

I am blown away. What a fantastic (Yeah, really early) Christmas present.

We have been preparing our hearts, minds and yes, my body, for twins. As hard as it would be to have two babies, we both feel that transferring two embryos is the best decision for our family. We would have transferred two with H, but he was the only embryo we had. All it took was one beautiful, healthy blastocyst to make our perfect little boy. We would be content with one again, but we are preparing ourselves for the possibility of a multiple pregnancy.

Of course, there is that possibility too, that this procedure will not work. I am aware of the statistics and the chances of a positive pregnancy. However, I have a great feeling about all of this. God has all of this in His capable hands and it will work out as He sees fit. If this procedure does not work, I know I will be devastated, but I will move past the grief and give God the glory for the wonderful life we have and the Son he has already blessed us with.

The first time we had this appointment, almost 3 years ago, we went in expecting to pick out a sperm donor from a book. (Not sure if that is actually how it is done, but I've seen it in movies, so it must be accurate) This time, we are feeling much more confident, and like old pros at this IVF thing. We are looking forward to seeing the Dr. we both loved and highly respect, who was able to help us get Henry. We are optimistic and excited about this appointment.

Hopefully we leave the appointment with as much enthusiasm as we have going into it. This is the beginning of a long line of Dr.'s appointments, blood draws, surgeries, ultra sounds, shots and other painful and emotionally, (not to mention financially) draining procedures. We are going into it with our eyes wide open. There might be more anxiety, knowing what to expect, than there was the first time, blindly doing what we were told. This time, I am armed with a notebook full of questions and expect good answers. The fist time, there weren't many questions, because we didn't have a clue what we were getting into.