Choosing Wisely: TV Shows for Kids with Concerned Moms

Sometimes, as a parent, I feel like I have failed my expectations for myself. I remember being pregnant and saying, "I will never..." to so many things. I had this perfect view of myself being the parent I thought I could be. I was going to play my heart out with our son every day. I do everything I needed done for the day in that one hour he naps, and somehow manage to make play stations for him with various sensory activities he could do after nap.

My child was never going to eat 'junk' food and he was NEVER going to watch tv during the day. Parents who sit their kids in front of the tv need to prioritize their responsibilities and pay more attention to their children. My expectations of parenthood came from Pinterest boards, mommy groups with people only bragging about the good things they do, and blogs where it is easy to hide the imperfections of your life.  Boy, did I think I was the expert.

I will not hesitate to tell you that I have failed myself miserably. I also have to say that I am mostly sane because of it, so I think it is ok. H gets little to no screen time aside from watching tv, and I do try to limit his time sitting on the couch. However, there are days when I have a deadline or I am not feeling well, or I just have a mountain and a half of clothes to wash and the tv makes a good sitter for him.

I do try to set goals for myself so that I can get my jobs done and still be an attentive mom to my son. On days when I know I am going to be busy, I sit him up with snacks and some recorded tv shows and attempt to get everything done before lunch. I then feed him and put him down for a nap. I know I have about an hour until my work time is over and it is play time. We read, do puzzles, play outside and go on long bike rides. This system isn't perfect, but it is what it is.

Here is the kicker... I hate TV. I really do. You wouldn't know it for all the TV watching I seem to find time for (laying in bed watching Family Feud or Fixer Upper when I am supposed to be sleeping.) I resisted having it in my home for the first 6.5 years of our marriage. We had Netflix, and that was it. The system worked for us until the internet company decided to get greedy and tell us that if we are going to stream content we have to pay $120 / month just for internet! It was cheaper to stay with a lower internet plan and get Direct TV than it was to pay for the internet they said we needed.

My husband is thrilled that we got tv. He now has the Golf channel and his news channels, which he throughly enjoys watching. I love having HGTV, History Channel, Food Network, etc. but most of my TV watching is kids tv these days.

Out of the 100+ channels we now have, there are only about 3 that are cartoon channels, and out of those 3, we only really watch one. I can feel mostly comfortable letting H watch the Disney Channel, but that is the only one. Even that channel has some commercials and a few shows I am not entirely thrilled with. We record two shows from Nick Jr. but I would never just turn on the channel for him to watch.

Blaze and the Monster Machines, Paw Patrol and Mickey Mouse dominate our TV watching and I guess there isn't much wrong with any of those shows. They usually teach a good lesson and are as clean as they come these days. There are a lot of commercials, and like I said, some of them I really don't approve of for my two year old.

As parents, especially parents of toddlers who absorb everything they see and hear, we have to guard what our children are exposed to. I am the mean mom who does not let my son watch anything not seen and approved by me. I am responsible for my son's mind and development and I want him exposed to good things, not a lot of mental 'junk food.'

Recently, I thought of some of my favorite shows as a kid. We watched a lot of VHS tapes from my mom's store when I was young. They were mostly christian based and my parents never had to worry about what we were being exposed to. I went on a search for those shows, just in case they happened to be on some channel on Direct TV.

Surprisingly, I found several of my favorite shows from when I was a kid. They are all biblically based, so I know that not only is my son not seeing anything he shouldn't, but he is also learning bible stories while he is being entertained. I can feel better putting him in front of the TV, and he is starting to like some of them. Nothing quite measures up to Blaze for my monster truck loving kiddo, but I am insisting that he either watch what is on or go play with his toys - his choice.

As an added bonus, most of these are not as annoying as some of the modern cartoons and rather than encourage sass and disrespect for others and especially parents, they encourage politeness, kindness, respect, etc. I really believe that what goes in comes out, and TV is no exception.

Here are some of the shows I  have recorded. If you are in the same boat as me, wanting a better alternative to TV for your kids, I would encourage you to also search for these and record the series.

                                               
What would my childhood have been without Wit's End? Between the VHS tapes we had and the Saturday morning radio show we listened to as a family, snuggling in mom and dads bed, I felt like I knew the characters. I do believe the radio show still airs on Focus on The family. This one airs on Saturdays on the Day Star network. There are several shows before and after for Kids, but honestly, I don't even like them - really lame, so I don't mess with any of their other Saturday morning cartoons. As a bonus, the commercials during this show are all great each one is teaching lessons on kindness, prayer, responsibility, etc. You just can't go wrong here.

I couldn't find McGee and Me! anywhere, but I did find the DVDs on Amazon, and I plan to get them for H some day.  This was a big part of my childhood, and I want H to experience it too. 

I forget what station this airs on, but you can search for it if you want to. I think the one I found is a remake, and they portray them as more 'southern' than I remember, with thick accents. However, the content is just as good as it was when I was a kid, so I can over look the voices being different.

This is actually a GREAT series of bible stories. I think my mom had most of them in her book store for rent when I was a kid, and I'm quite sure no one but me ever got to watch them because I was constantly coming home with one of them.

I didn't watch this as much growing up, but I know enough about it to know it is a good show. I think I saw the same three episodes over and over. This also looks to be a remake of the original, and I haven't actually seen one of the new ones yet, but I look forward to it. If it stays with the original idea, it is probably really great. 

Veggie Tales In The Hose is a newer show on Netflix, and it isn't bad, but I really miss the original TV show that specifically taught Bible stories and lessons. I miss QWRTY who gave the bible verse at the end and reinforced the lesson the kids watched. The Veggie Tales with the classic literature are good too, and I have nothing wrong with them, but my favorite will always be the original version. I was able to record this series but it has not aired yet, so I am not sure which version I will be getting. Any of them are ok, I guess... I am just keeping my fingers crossed for the Veggie Tales of my childhood. 

If you have a great show you record for your kids, or a dvd series you just love, let everyone know about it in the comments. I would personally love to fill up my DVR with great kids shows so I never run out of options for my son.

How In The World Can I Afford IVF?

Yesterday I wrote about deducting your IVF medical expenses on your taxes. Today I am going to attempt another financial post.

A large part of the IVF process is paying for it. The financial stress can be almost as bad as the emotional. Especially at the beginning, it seems you are just throwing out hundred dollar bills to anyone who comes near you. In 2014, we were not prepared enough to ask for a cost breakdown up front. We just paid for everything with cash as we went. Because of a settlement from Cam's wreck a couple of years before, we were able to pay for IVF without taking out any loans. (I count that as one of the miracles in my life and will be forever grateful for God's provision at that time.) Another factor in not having to take out loans was my job. My last day in my management position was only a few days before we had our first IVF  consultation. I actually quit my job partly because of IVF. It was demanding both physically and emotionally and I was being asked to do far more that I was capable of on a good day. I knew I could not do both IVF and keep that job.

I think the financial stress is much more this time because there isn't a large amount of money in the bank account, and I have not worked in over three years. This time we had to get a little creative in paying for IVF and we pretty much know every penny that was spent.

In November, we took out a home equity line of credit. We did not have to use it all, but it's there so we have it as needed. (which is a good thing, since we are on our third cycle in 2017) Our clinic does have a couple of lending companies who work with them, but I was told by a lady in the office that the interest was far too high in her opinion and a personal loan or equity loan from our bank was going to be much better for us.

When we were in the 'should we do IVF again' phase of the process, I called to get a price quote for IVF so I could be prepared for when we decided to make it happen. Surprisingly, they do not give out that information. You only actually get that info when you go in for the financial consultation, and that is right before the actual IVF process, not as you begin the testing phase, (which can cost a bundle as well.)

Being the persistent person I am, I researched the procedures, read back through all my old blog posts about our previous IVF and called back. If they couldn't give out a price quote, I was going to ask specific questions and at least have a good estimate of what I was going to have to pay.

Luckily, I did get someone on the line who was willing to spend some time with me, and she gave me prices for all the items on my list as well as any other procedures I had not thought of. They did not have an actual, consolidated price quote to send me, but they did have the general information. I just had to know exactly what to ask.

I took that quote and built my spread sheet from it. As we had expenses come up, if they were part of the quoted cost, I had a column with that quoted cost in it. If it was something not included in that quote, I put $0 in the quote column so I could see the actual difference in the quoted cost and the actual cost.

Below are pictures of our spreadsheet. I wanted to be able to give you the actual document, but I need to use a different platform for my blog - this one will not allow me to attach documents. The images are small, but if you click on them, they get bigger. If you would like a copy of the actual document for your own use, I would be happy to send it to you. Just comment below and I will get in touch.

PAYING FOR IVF

There are lots of articles out there that tell you how you can pay for your IVF. This one might be a little different than the vast majority of them, in that I am not going to encourage you to ask for money from anyone. Personally, I find it distasteful for a couple to start a Go Fund Me, etc. to pay for an adoption or for IVF. Asking people to give you money for a personal problem is awkward for both you and them and to me, says that you are not prepared financially to take care of and responsibility for the resulting child. As harsh as this sounds, I have talked to a lot of couples, and more people feel this way than you would think. Our infertility is our problem, and ours alone.

Having said that, here are some ways to help pay for your IVF that are practical and don't rely on donations from others.

1. Get a loan
It stinks. No one wants to have to take out a loan, but the fact of the matter is you probably will have to. Shop around and find the best interest rates you can, and get that loan.

2. Save
If you are like us, there isn't a whole lot left over after taking care of our responsibilities each month, but we can all find ways to save money when we are motivated. Even if you only have a few months to save, DO IT. Trim the budget and make it happen. You might not save enough to pay for all of your IVF, but you may be able to pay for a couple of test or ultrasounds, and that is fantastic.

3. Sell your junk
Have a garage sale! You will be having to make room for another little person in your life and in your house, so you might as well start now by getting rid of any 'extras' you have lying around. Doing a garage sale can make you a couple hundred bucks in a single weekend. To make it a bit more fun, ask a friend or two to do it with you. I'm sure you have a couple of friends who need to sell some stuff too. Another option is the BST pages on Facebook. We have been able to sell a lot of our bigger stuff on those pages.

4. Sell someone else's junk
I know... I already said not to ask for donations from people. This is different. When you decide on a date for your garage sale, ask friends and family if they have any items they would like to donate to your garage sale. Even if you are only given a ton of clothes, try to sell them. I have found that a well-organized, clean garage sale with clothing items hung up and displayed can actually make a mint. I usually do $1 on most clothing items on the first day and .25 to .50 on the second day. People will walk out with loads of clothes, and every cent adds up.  If someone has larger items to donate, offer to try to sell it at your garage sale on a commission instead of you getting all the profit - it's a win for everyone!

5. Just say NO
There are a lot of extras you can actually say no to when doing IVF. For instance, I was prescribed a prenatal vitamin that was $80 for a 30-day supply. I opted out of it and instead went with a really good, food-based prenatal I got from Amazon for 1/4 the price. Now, you can't opt out of everything, but you can always ask, "Is this necessary" and decide what to do from there. Another way to save $ is to not do genetic testing beyond the required blood work at the beginning of the IVF testing. PGS, etc. is super expensive, and as I have previously written about, I'm simply not sold on it's merits.

6. Apply for discount programs
We qualified for 25% off of some of our IVF medications through the First Steps discount program. At over $500 / box of medications that only has 4 doses in it, 25% goes a long ways! 25% is the minimum discount. Some people qualify for up to 75% off!

7. Use your credit card
I know, I am sounding like I am advocating for debt here. I promise, I am not. There are going to be lots of payments made, and a lot of $$ spent. If you have a card that earns cash back, USE IT. Pay it off at the end of the month, of course, but get those points on your card. You may only earn a couple hundred bucks, but when you cash it out, you can use it for baby expenses or to make an extra payment on your IVF loan

8. Christmas
Again, I am NOT advocating for asking for money from friends and family. However, if you are in a family that does gifts, and you are asked what you want for Christmas, tell them you want money that will go towards paying for IVF. Our parents and grandparents were more than willing to give us cash instead of gifts (hey, it's way easier to wrap) because they knew it is what we actually needed. This can apply for birthdays as well.

9. Tax refund
As I talked about in my last post, you can possibly qualify for a pretty hefty tax refund because of the medical expenses racked up by IVF. You won't see this refund money for about a year after your procedure, depending on when you do your cycle, but unfortunately, you will still be paying for your IVF - and (hopefully) baby hospital bills by that time. Don't spend that refund on a new TV, or something frivolous, pay down your IVF debt with it.

***EDIT***

I would add one more way to earn some extra money to pay for IVF, one that should have gone on the original list

10. Work
Most of you probably do have jobs already. Even though I don't get a pay check for it, as a SHAM, I have plenty of work to do. Even if you are already working a full time job, you can find ways to bring home more money. Ask your boss if threes opportunity for over time, and take it. If that isn't an option, use your talents. Make things to sell, turn that photography hobby into an income, etc.
For me, this is where it is at. I am hesitant to sell my work or to advertise it because honestly, I lack the self-confidence and don't think I am good enough. BUT, I have worked past that and have been able to make some extra money by just doing things I already love doing.
Just be sure to keep track of what you make for tax purposes.

Can I Deduct IVF Expenses on My Taxes?

If you haven't figured it out yet, you will - IVF is VERY expensive. Our first experience in 2014 was our learning experience. We didn't keep track of our expenses every well, but we know we spent about $25k on IVF. (YIKES!) This time we were a little more savvy. We kept detailed spreadsheets on our expenses and knew what we could say 'no thank you' to and what was actually a necessity. I will write a post about that soon and provide that spreadsheet for you. 

One of the areas we learned a lot about this time vs. last time was how to deduct our IVF (medical) expenses on our taxes. Our medical expenses for IVF in 2016 were about 15k, and this did not include some of the items we could have taken the time to calculate from the list below. This meant that we went from almost no refund at all, to about $4k coming back to us! As we are doing more IVF in 2107 and have a lot of medical expenses coming our way this year, we will need that unexpected refund. 

PLEASE NOTE, I AM NOT A TAX EXPERT

You need to do your own research on the topic before claiming anything on your taxes. The Laws could vary by state, but this 10% rule seems to be legit, and I know it worked for us. Also, remember, this is for ALL medical expenses, not just IVF related expenses. We only figured in the IVF expenses because they were easily calculated, but we will be keeping better record for our 2017 taxes. 

How I kept track: 

• I keep a spreadsheet with our expenses, receipt numbers, dates, etc. that I can easily reference back to and keep a running total. 
• I have a folder with all our IVF paperwork, including all bills, etc. In case there is ever any questioning of our expenses I can easily get to the item in question. 
• I didn't keep track of mileage, (should have) but if you wanted to, just write your appointments on the calendar with the location of the appointments. Figure out the round trip mileage for those appointments and write it under the appointment (this should be easy because it will be the same for most appointments.) 

You can deduct your medical expenses if they are more than 10% of your adjusted gross income (AGI)

Here is a good explanation from H&R Block on exactly what you can deduct:

For any medical condition, it includes the cost of:

• Diagnosis

• Cure

• Mitigation

• Treatment

• Prevention

• Items needed for the above purposes, including:

1. Equipment
2. Supplies
3. Diagnostic devices

• Cost of medical care from any of these types of practitioners:

1. Acupuncturists
2. Chiropractors
3. Dentists
4. Eye doctors
5. Medical doctors
6. Occupational therapists
7. Osteopathic doctors
8. Physical therapists
9. Podiatrists
10. Psychiatrists
11. Psychoanalysts giving medical care
12. Psychologists
13. Other qualified medical practitioners

• Transportation costs to and from medical care. If you drive your own car, the deduction is 23 cents per mile in 2016.

• Prescription medicines

If you want to deduct medical expenses, they must alleviate or prevent a physical or mental defect or illness. You can't deduct expenses that simply benefit general health, like vitamins or a vacation.

The Chains That Bind Me

If you know me in person, you know I pretty much never leave the house without my bangles, a watch (it is just for looks and doesn't even have batteries in it) earrings, a necklace or two, my glasses and my rings. These things are not essential to my life, (ok, the glasses are - I can't see without them) but they make me feel put together and complete my pretty simple wardrobe of plain tunics, cardigans and 'old lady' flats.

This week I was not feeling well, I had a headache for five days straight and collapsed into bed as often as I could manage. During one of these desperate attempts at some sleep, I crashed with all my jewelry on. Despite being incredibly tired and in need of rest, I could not get comfortable. Metallic clanking, chains choking me, earring posts poking me and rings strangling my fingers. I took off one piece at a time, too tired to mess with taking it all off. When I was done, I was without a single accessory. I was comfortable and I was free to sleep.

I have been thinking about that this week when I get some quiet time. Hebrews 12 again came to mind as I was contemplating unnecessary chains that bind me.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who by faith have testified to the truth of God’s absolute faithfulness], stripping off every unnecessary weight and the sin which so easily and cleverly entangles us, let us run with endurance and active persistence the race that is set before us..."~Hebrews 12:1 

There is nothing wrong with my jewelry, I find it tasteful and it gives me confidence. However, I thought about the metaphorical chains that bind me daily. As I try to live for the Lord and do what I feel he has asked me to do, I have small things that, mostly, I have allowed into my life that hold me back. As I try to rest in God's promises, there are little pokes and uncomfortable prods from areas of my life that I have not taken the time to get rid of. Areas that I hang on to, that keep me from being all I know I can be, and all I know God has for me.

"He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains."Psalm 107:14

“Let us break their chains and throw off their shackles.”~Psalm 2:3 

I suffer with Areas of self doubt,  jealousy and even some anger problems. Those are just the beginning. Fear is a large area I  constantly battle. I wear it, not like a pretty gold necklace, but as a heavy chain around my shoulders, weighing me down. There are times life is hard to live with this fear binding me, and much sleep has been lost because of it. The fact that it is still there is no one's fault buy my own. I keep putting it at the feet of Jesus and picking it right back up. It is uncomfortable, but it is familiar, so I go back to it ALL the time.

Just as I put on the pieces of jewelry to prepare for the day, and then take them off again at night, I need to be in the practice of putting on the armor of God every morning to be equipped to fight those areas that hold me back. Every night, I need to take off anything that has managed to attach its self to me and lay it at Jesus' feet. I have the ritual already in place with my accessories, so why not add some meaning to it? 

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit,which is the word of God.And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."
~Eph 6:10-18

As with my jewelry, it serves a purpose, and has its place. Sometimes fear and some well-placed worry or burden is not a bad thing. When we wear it longer than we need to, or try to use it keep it on when we should have laid it aside is when it becomes an entanglement and an issue. In this crazy world and in this crazy little life I live, there are times I can't help buy worry. It is what I do with that worry that counts though. I can choose to layer my shoulders with heavy chains, or I can lay them down daily before they are forged into something ugly I carry around with me.

What are the chains you wear? Can you take them off and place them at the feet of Jesus before they bind you?

What To Do When IVF Fails

I admit it, although I did have moments of doubt, I was pretty convinced we would have a successful IVF cycle this time. Our first IVF went so smoothly my expectations of what was going to happen were a bit warped. Even my Dr. admitted he was expecting a pretty easy ride because of how well it went before.

When we had our canceled cycle in January because I was SO sick with the flu and ran a high fever, I thought, "Ok. That's it. We have had our bad luck. Karma (not that I believe in it) says I get good luck next time." Unfortunately, that's not how life works. Our February cycle failed and it was devastating.

Here are some things we did that helped me through the process. Hopefully this helps someone else.

Don't Spend Too Much Time Alone
Even if you are an introvert, I encourage you to be around people. Yeah, if you have been open about what is going on, you will have to answer some questions and have people be a little careful about your feelings, but that's ok. You are loved and others are showing their love and support by acknowledging the pain you are in. In my experience, once those initial questions are asked and answered, everyone relaxes and things feel normal.

After our recent failed cycle, my parents drove across the state to come see me. They took my family out for dinner and then my son and I went home with them. I hated leaving my husband after all we had just been through, but I also didn't want to sit at home alone while he was at work. We had planned to go to my parents just a two days later for my nephew's birthday, so it only made sense.

Not everyone has that option, but I do encourage you to find ways to not be alone too much. For me, I tend to feel sorry for myself and get a little too introspective if left alone right after something like this happens. I need a distraction.

Follow Up
The idea of starting another cycle might be overwhelming for you, and that's ok. If you are wanting to continue to try for a baby, do not put off at least scheduling your follow up appointment. Getting answers and talking to the Dr. can help you to have some closure on your failed cycle.

We chose to turn our transfer appointment into a follow up consultation with our Dr. We got a few answers to some questions we had come up with in general. By the time we left the clinic, our Dr. had a new protocol written for us and we had a plan in place for another cycle.

It seems quick to already be anticipating another IVF cycle, but in reality, it isn't. A typical IVF cycle, with all three phases (suppression, stimulation and retrieval / transfer) takes about two months total. Add the two weeks of waiting for my menstrual cycle to start, indicating the beginning of that two months and it can seem like forever.

Waiting too long can also mean that you have to repeat some very expensive tests instead of 'skipping' ahead of that part. There are some CDC required labs that are super expensive that have to be done yearly for all IVF participants as well as ultrasounds, PAPs, etc. Also, as in our case, if you have any medications left over, and finances are a factor, if you start right away, you can use those medications before they expire. Every penny counts, and the medications are super expensive.

Do Something Fun or Different
This one could have been rolled into the first suggestion, but I thought it needed some extra attention.
This time is a sad one, but it does not have to be depressing. Find something to celebrate, even if it is a Tuesday, and get out of the house. Go see a movie on a week night or go to a new restaurant you haven't tried. Really, this is all about distraction, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Know that it is ok to move on and to live your life to the fullest even when your little one can't. Mourning is important (see below) but so is living. Now, this might not be the time to finally go sky diving, but do something, even if it is small.

Don't Blame Yourself (or anyone else) 
Your failed cycle is NOT your fault. I'm assuming you are a reasonable person who did what the Dr. told them and followed your instructions. Believe it or not, we overheard two of the nurses taking and there was a client they were very frustrated with because they were not cooperating and kept doing things they were told not to and not doing things they were told to. I'll assume you are not one of these people. If you are, well... best of luck.

You or your partner have a medical condition and it is not your fault. No matter your diagnosis, this is something beyond your control. Medical science is an amazing thing, but even it has limitations. We can pray and hope and do everything we are told to do, but sometimes it is just not enough. Even though the success rates seem to be trending higher every year, IVF is still a big gamble and sometimes we lose the bet. There are SO many factors to consider. To try to pinpoint one reason a cycle failed would be impossible. Sometimes everything seems to go right until the very end and the blastocyst just stops developing. No one is to blame, not even your Dr.  - they are invested in your success, and every failure reflects their success rates, and possible future clientele.

Don't try to understand why it didn't work. Just come to grips with the fact and find ways to move on. That sounds really insensitive, but I promise, it is not. Obviously, do everything your Dr. suggests. Get further testing if you need to and develop a new plan, but don't try to micromanage and direct your failed cycle. There is nothing you can do about it. Spend your energy concentrating on the future and the next cycle (if you are going that route.)

Talk About Your feelings
I've said this a million times on this blog, but don't bottle up your feelings. Find someone, even if it is only (especially?) your spouse and tell them how you feel. Not everyone is willing or able to write a blog about their experience, and that is ok. You don't have to be eloquent or even that coherent, but get your thoughts out.

Allow your spouse to talk about their feelings and support them as they are hurting as well. One of the sweetest and closest times with my husband in a while was in the car just after we found out our cycle had failed. We shared our hopes and cried together. He told me how proud he was of me and that he admired how strong I was. (I don't feel strong - He is the strong one, and I lean heavily on that strength on a daily basis.) I won't go into our entire conversation, but it was a good one. Some of it was sad, but it was so great to be able to openly share with each other. Despite the sad occasion, it will be a memory I will cherish for a long time.

Cry, be sad, even angry for a short while. Write your feelings in a journal or even better, write a letter to someone special who has been praying for you. Most of my writing on this blog is directed towards those who share my faith and there are certain things I take for granted, and one of those is that there is a group of people praying for your success and for your hearts during this process. Let those people know how you are doing and give them specific areas they can pray about for you.

As I was so open about our experience, I was shocked to find out how many people we had lifting us up in prayer. One of our posts for urgent prayer during a difficult part of the process reached over 2,000 people just on Facebook! Add that to our church family, actual family, friends and friends of friends and family, and I know we had that many PLUS people standing with us. I truly believe that I am able to be where I am emotionally right now because I shared my feelings and allowed people to be able to pray when I sometimes was not able to myself.

Mourn your loss
IT IS OK TO MOURN. You lost a child, even if that child was tiny. God loves you and He loves that little baby. Rest in the fact that your child is in the arms of Jesus and picture it there. I picture it with our other two heaven babies and find comfort that they have each other. I'm not sure how theologically accurate that is, but it helps my heart. I picture my great grandparents and other friends and family in heaven who get to love on them.

To me, This part is especially important in today's culture. In a society that says it is okay to end the life of a baby in the womb, and says that it is not life, someone like me who morons the life of an embryo is probably considered a freak. I'm sure there are a good number of people who would laugh my whole experience off.

Someone else's values and feelings DO NOT negate or dictate yours. As christians we are called to be in the world but not of it. We are called to be a peculiar people and to stand for our values and beliefs, even when it is odd to the rest of the world. Mourning and not being ashamed of the real love you had for this CHILD is not only important for your heart to begin to move on, but it is taking a stand for life in the face of today's culture.

Invest In Your Existing Relationships
Mourning and being introverted and introspective is normal and even good to a certain degree. HOEVER, do not forget there is an entire world out there beyond the hurt you are feeling. Your family and friends are waiting for you and care about you. Many of them are also hurting for you and even themselves. Your parents, for example have just heard that the grand baby they were hoping for is no longer going to be here by Christmas.

Love on your circle. Find ways to show love to others. For me, that was going home with my parents and spending some time with my siblings and their families. I got to babysit my niece one afternoon, and that was the most time I had spent with her one-on-one. It was a balm to my heart and watching her chubby little legs as she practiced walking was adorable. My nephew turned five while I was there and I helped prepare for his party. These are little things, but they are great for turning your attention from inward to outward focus.

If you do not have a large circle to love on, concentrate on your spouse. Show your husband how much you love and appreciate him. Turn to each other in your pain. I am going to get personal here, but have sex. Seriously. With infertility this act of love can become nothing but a chore. With IVF it becomes not only a chore, but painful and (I'm going to admit it) a bit of an annoyance. I love my husband deeply, but I am sore and my clothes don't fit and I feel fat and like a giant blob - intimacy is the last thing I want. This is exactly why I say to do it. Give that gift to your husband. In the end you will both benefit.

Don't Forget About Yourself
Self care is a bit of a buzz phrase right now, and I'm not sure I agree with the idea 100% that you deserve the self care all the time and to indulge in self care as often as you can, HOWEVER, after IVF, you get a license to indulge a bit, especially after a failed cycle.

Find something that makes you happy and do it. For me, it was taking long, hot baths with epsom salts, essential oils and the hallmark tv app on my phone. After IVF you might not be able to afford a weekend to the spa, but you can find little things to do to help your mind and body feel better. Here is a little list for you with some of my favorite ideas:

• Do something for no other reason than it makes you happy
• If you use essential oils, diffuse something that makes you happy. (I have been wearing stress away constantly and really think it helps) 
• Have a good laugh
• Indulge in a good book just for fun
• Take a nap (every day if you have to)
• Take a long bath with a face mask on. When you get out you will feel like you have been to the spa.
• Get a pedicure
• Buy yourself an adult coloring book and use it
• Allow yourself a good cry
• Eat crab rangoons (or whatever your food indulgence is) 
• Buy a journaling bible and start using it 
• Start a good bible study (like this one) 
• Buy yourself a piece of art (like this one - I love it and plan to purchase it. It is also the art used in this post cover photo.)

A failed IVF cycle is not the end of the world (although it might feel like it for a time.) Rather you are going to keep trying, or this was your last attempt, know that God has a plan for you, and His work is not yet done in you. You may not know what that looks like right now, but you will. Keep praying about it and believing that He has wonderful things in store for you. 

When IVF Fails

Our little embryo we prayed for and hoped would be our new family member didn't make. Yes, IVF failed us, but God didn't. 

Wednesday, as we were on the way to the clinic, we prayed out loud together for this process and for this little life. We prayed that we would be prepared for all outcomes and that our hearts would be able to handle whatever happened. We promised that no matter what the result of the transfer, that we would praise God through it. 

About five minutes later, we stopped to get some gas and coffee. While I was in the station getting our coffee, Cam got the call we had been dreading getting. It was the clinic, and they were calling to tell us that we didn't have an embryo to transfer. Our little 'Embie' had not made it. When I got back in the car, Cam had the job of telling me. At first, I thought he was trying to be funny, but I knew he wouldn't be that cruel. His expression wasn't a joking one. It was true, Everything we had hoped for, everything we had planned on and sacrificed for was now over. With a single phone call, our future as we imagined it was changed. 

That might sound dramatic to some, but it is true. Having two kids was a reality we were prepared for and moving toward, and suddenly, it was not an option. The rooms we were preparing to update to get ready for this new family member would stay the same for now. The place in our hearts that this little life would fill was suddenly an open and painful hole. 

It wasn't just an embryo we lost. It was a life. Yes, it was the tiniest of lives, and it hadn't had a chance to live, but it was life. It was wanted and loved. It was more than a day 5 embryo, it was my baby. Since November I had been poked and prodded. I have been on medications that made me incredibly sick. I have gained 20 pounds and had SO many dr.'s appointments. Emotionally, and even chemically, I was pregnant. Emotionally, this was not a day 5 embryo loss, but a 4 month pregnancy miscarriage.

It was hard to hear, but there was nothing we could do about it. We went ahead and kept our appointment with our Dr. just so we could discuss with him the next steps in the process. Sitting in the waiting room, waiting for our appointment was surreal. Usually, there are several other couples in the waiting room, and it is a bustle of activity. It felt abandoned, and was too quiet. The water fountain wasn't even on. I checked in with the receptionist and she reminded me I needed a full bladder for transfer - she didn't know I wouldn't be having one.

We met with the Dr. who didn't have a lot of answers for us. He said that this was a really odd cycle and it was just a "bad bunch of eggs." He said that female fertility issues were not a concern at this point just based on one bad cycle. We will have to try again before we think in that direction. We asked about other options and if we were candidates, and the short answer is no.

I'm not exactly sure of what scale he is referring to, so I was having trouble looking up more details, but he said that our semen analysis shows a morphology rate of 4. According to him, there are 5 levels, 1 being normal and great, 5 being complete infertility, and the cut-off for even doing IVF (donor sperm would be the only option.) Because of this, any other option would not be successful. He explained that there is nothing that can be done for sperm quality, only quantity. You can do things to increase sperm count and make them swim better, etc. but there is nothing that can be done about the morphology issue.

As of now, my Dr. wrote me a new protocol, using different medications, and we will begin our third IVF cycle (since trying for baby #2) in April. I am tired and I am discouraged, but I am hopeful for the future. We think it is better to start again right away while I am used to being a pin cushion. We also have a couple of medications we have left over from this last cycle we won't have to buy again and there are some other benefits of pushing ahead right away vs. waiting.

This upcoming cycle might be the hardest one yet, having had two failed cycles previously. I'm not sure that I have the strength to try it again if this one does not work. However, I have faith that God will provide for us. We have had SO many people praying for us and standing with us through this process. We can feel those prayers and know how vital they have been in this process. Thank you to those of you who have prayed for and loved on us through this journey. We truly appreciate it.