This has been a crazy year of firsts. It has been a year of ups and downs, lots of snuggles and drying tears. It was the best and the worst year of my life. Anyone who has held their baby in their arms and rejoiced at their latest accomplishment while mourning for the quickly passing time knows what I am talking about. I will admit that finding the balance of the two, and not letting myself be depressed has been incredibly hard. I had a conversation with my husband last night, and it went something like this: "So, are all moms like this, and the dads are forced to be the only normal ones?" I laughed and told him "Absolutely."

Mom brain is real. Before having my son, I responded differently to things. I had myself to worry about and that was it. Yeah, there were others in my life, but they were not 100% dependent on me. I could care for them, but I was not their caretaker. Jessica had a good idea of her boundaries and her dislikes and likes. She knew who she was and was comfortable being herself. She could let some things roll off her back that bothered her and ignore other things going on around her. She saw life through a filter she had developed over 28 years. Then comes Mom. Mom is an infant herself. Mom has never experienced any of these firsts either. Mom may be the most educated she has ever been in her life (Because, of course, Jessica can't make a decision without reading at least 3 articles of varying sources and points of view on the subject) and while she is confident in her abilities, she is also the most scared she has ever been. Mom is not as much scared of sickness, etc. but of doing things right. She is scared of the world her son will grow up in. She has nightmares of the future and what her son will experience. Every aspect of Mom's life, including what should be in the 'Jessica' category is affected by 'mom brain'. Mom is seeing through a filter that is new to her. Mom is facing decisions and having thoughts that Jessica never even dreamed of. Mom is testing and experimenting with her boundaries, trying to find out what they are. The hardest part is that just as she thinks she has found them, the child she loves and is concerned about up and changes on her, and all her work has to be reevaluated. To top it all off, Jessica is struggling with mom's new body, etc. Mom lives on coffee and string cheese. Mom has not slept through the night in over a year. Jessica took for granted her alone time and mom is thrilled to just get to use the bathroom alone. It is exhausting. Mom rarely lets Jessica take command, not because she is controlling, but because she always has to be 'on'. Only mom truly knows what 24/7 means.

Sometimes I miss Jessica. Sometimes, I let her come out when the baby is asleep. Yesterday, while the baby was napping, I sat on the couch in my filthy house (seriously, it was BAD) and ate popcorn and watched TV. I could 'hear' mom yelling at Jessica to get up and do the dishes and decide what to make for dinner. She begged to take advantage of the quiet time to get her job done, but Jessica won out. Someday I know that Mom will get the hang of things, and Jessica will be able to shine through more often, but right now, Mom is the star. I think that this is normal. I think that the 'mama bear' part of all of us is what keeps our species alive. This is a season, and it is a relatively short one. (Mom has only been around for less than a year, and she is already giving Jessica gray hair) Mom will never disappear, she is here to stay, but she will not always get to be the one running things. Life will change again, and her child will grow and become more independent. She will have to constantly evolve and find a way to be ok with it. Mom will never stop experiencing firsts, and she will always mourn for time passed.

The 'mom filter' is one I cherish. It's the filter that allows me to read the Tractor book 15 times in a row, (The Jessica filter would love to throw it across the room, or maybe burn it.) It allows me to cook dinner or clean the house with a child literally hanging off of me. Mom isn't just my new job, it is who I am. It is impossible to separate 'Jessica' and 'Mom'. While I dreamed of being Mom all my life, actually experiencing being mom has been different than I expected. Not worse, not better, just different. Even when I was pregnant, my expectations and plans were far from what reality actually held for me. I had an idea of what my mom filter would be, and I thought it was actually pretty strong, but my son was born, and that filter shattered. I have since been developing it every day this entire year. Things I thought would matter to me are inconsequential. Things that never occurred to me before are vitally important. Relationships and boundaries that were fine, or tolerated by Jessica have had to be evaluated and dealt with as Mom. Nothing is the same. This makes life a bit difficult for the "normal" dad and others around this new mom. I understand that and acknowledge that, but it does not change, cheapen or diminish the mom filter and the decisions and boundaries it develops.

One thing that I think all new moms would like people to understand is that despite all the advice, and the love being shown (or piled on) them, they are going to do what is right for them, and their family. Your experiences, filers and boundaries are valid, but they are not that of this new mom. Your love and support may be well meaning, but be given in a way or in an amount that infringes on the boundaries of the new mom. You may look at her child and want to bond with it or spend as much time with it as possible, but that new mom is not concerned with that. Your feelings in relation to her child are not her primary concern. She knows that those things, your relationship and bonding, etc. will come with time. Right now, it's her turn.

Luckily, this mom has a very awesome "normal" dad to parent with and he understands the struggle between who I am and who I was. He understands that although I have managed to keep our son alive for a year, and I am gaining control of the mom part of my life, it is all still relatively new to me. He understands that this tiny little human that is under my (our) care means more to me than my own life, and that I would do anything to protect and to take care of him. The mom filter is not perfect. She over reacts and maybe sets boundaries based on perception more than reality. (although, some would argue that one's perception is their reality, but that is getting deeper than I want to go with this post) She knows this. She struggles with this. Fear not and hang in there. If you respect these boundaries, and don't push them. If you allow this new mom to work things out and not break down the walls and supports she is building, she will make an opening. There will be a gate in her fence, and she will find ways to let you in. However, if you trespass, if you take for granted how much of 'Jessica' is left in 'Mom' and trample her walls, it is going to be difficult for you to go through those inevitable gates. Just because something is this way right now does not mean that it will forever be this way.

I would love for my son to stay a little baby, but every day he grows and changes. Those snuggles are being replaced with exploring his world and learning and growing. Time is going by far too quickly and I am doing my best to cope with it.

"Even as your body betrays you, your mind denies it." ~Sara Gruen, Water for Elephants

Wow, it has been a while since I have posted. I have had a crazy life since Henry was born! I have not completely disappeared though. I've been writing posts over at Grammy's Essentials.

I don't want to sound like a broken record, I promise I do other things besides worry about my reproductive health, but it plays a big role in my life. I try not to make it my only topic of conversation with my friends and family, so this blog has pretty much become my safe place to help me think through my emotions on the subject.

It has been a really stressful couple of weeks for me. Just before Christmas I began to have some symptoms of pregnancy. Now, as we have learned, everything can be a sign of pregnancy, and it's SO frustrating. First of all, I skipped my period. That's a pretty sure fire sign of pregnancy. I was moody, extremely tired, headaches, thick discharge (TMI) and the list goes on. I couldn't tell if my boobs were sore or not because I'm still nursing my 13 month old. I didn't tell Cam anything until I was almost a week overdue, I really hadn't thought about it and then I had a lightbulb moment... WAIT... what's going on here?! Cameron and I were not trying to conceive, so it was a complete surprise. It was also an amazing miracle. I mean, if I were pregnant, we would have defied the odds and done the impossible. We were never supposed to be able to conceive on our own.

Once we realized it was an actual possibility that I was pregnant we began to dream and make plans. We talked about how we would change the nursery to accommodate two kids. We talked about what names we would use, and what kind of delivery we wanted. We were both floating on air. Who are we that we were blessed like this? No, we were not exactly ready for another baby, but we were not going to complain.

We decided not to test until after the New Year. That week between realizing I had missed my period and testing seemed SO long. three, four, five days passed, still no sign of Aunt flow. By the time I tested on January 1, I was pretty confident about the outcome. I was almost smug about it. I was just testing for confirmation, because I was pregnant. I peed on the stick and then left the room. I could not sit there are watch it for three minutes. Cam, Henry and I were all brushing our teeth in our bathroom and Cam kept going to the hall bath to see if there were any results yet. I would peek into the door, hoping to read his expression and get the answer I wanted. We were worse than kids on Christmas morning.

As excited and happy as we were one minute, we were equally deflated the next. The test was negative. To go from being absolutely sure you have been part of a miracle to suddenly being pulled back into reality is numbing. I went into my typical defense mode and shut the world off. Cam went into his and began to make rules about the future, "If this ever happens again, I do not want to know about it. I can't stand thinking the best for so long and then being disappointed." Of course, this hurt me, but I know he didn't mean to, and he was hurting too.

It was a miserable day. In an effort to distract ourselves, we started the new year out right and cleaned out a room in the house. It was a great diversion, but could not last long. Before the day was over, I had managed to regain some hope (admittedly with the help of google.) Maybe it was just too early still. That's it, the test was a false negative, and we are pregnant after all. We will test again in a few days. Ever the optimist, I ignored what I knew was the truth and continued to cling to the faintest whisp of hope that I could still be pregnant.

As the days went on I was still having symptoms, including nausea and extreme fatigue. Yesterday, the 4th, I ran errands all day and did some grocery shopping. I was so nauseous in Walmart that I wanted to run out. (JUST like my first pregnancy - that was the first and nearly only aversion I had - Walmart) Feeling positive about my increasing symptoms, I purchased more tests. This time it would work.

I know you are supposed to test in the morning, but that is for very early testing. If you are as far along as I should have been (last period was November 20th, so I would have been almost a month and a half along) a test taken at any time should get the desired results. So, I tested. It was just before bed, and I did sit there and watch it for the whole three minutes. Negative. I was in disbelief, but resigned to it. I just ignored it and continued with my bedtime routine. Cam came in and looked at it and then threw it away for me. No words were spoken, and that was the only acknowledgment that the test was even taken. What was there to say?

This morning I woke up with the worst headache I have had in a very long time. I was miserable. I prayed that Henry would take pity on me and sleep in much later than normal. He didn't. I took care of him and got him his breakfast. While he was occupied I went to the restroom where I immediately discovered why I was feeling so badly. I had begun my cycle. After so long waiting for it, here it was, ugly and raw.

I find it poetic that a tale of heartbreak would end with a bloody, gooey mess. The very thing that is the promise of fertility is to me, the mocking cry of infertility. I am having trouble wrapping my head around why my body would betray me like this.