We Lied ...er... Changed Our Minds

This is the blog post I have been dreaming of writing - and yet the one I am at a loss for words with.
I have sat and contemplated what to say, how to communicate the story and what funny quips I will use. I am still drawing a blank. My heart is bursting with so many feelings and thoughts that my brain is overwhelmed and a little confused.

We said we wouldn't do a home test before our Beta on Monday.

We lied ...er... changed our minds. 

As I said in my last blog post, which was WAY too long ago, I have not had time to write proper blog entries, so I have been doing shorter posts over on the Facebook page. I should do a summary blog post at some point, but today is not that day. 

Let me begin my story with the end, or rather, the new beginning. I took a test last night and it was positive. After all the treatments and heartache and waiting, we finally got two encouraging pink lines that made my tired heart soar. I am still in shock that I am actually pregnant and moving past this infertility. 

We had our transfer at noon on Thursday, September 7th. Everything went well and two excellent embryos were welcomed home. I thought I was imagining things, but I was convincingly nauseous on 2dp transfer (Saturday) and was encouraged and hoped this was a good sign. 

Every day after that I experienced more and more symptoms, including a two day period of a metabolism that would not shut down. I lost four lbs in two days and could NOT get my body to cool down or stop sweating. The reading I did said this was most likely a surge in HCG. 

Fast forward to yesterday. We said we were  not going to test early, but I was MISERABLE. No matter how much sleep I got, I needed more. I was nauseous, I swear my stomach was actually bigger and I had been having cramps that would take my breath away. I knew I had to be pregnant, but I wasn't 100% sure. The not knowing was torture. Were these things I was experiencing signs of pregnancy, the medications, or simply my brain and heart creating symptoms because I wanted it so badly? 

Every hour or so I was googling another version of the phrase "earliest pregnancy symptoms" or something similar. It got to the point that I actually broke google. Nothing it could throw at me was new or even reassuring any more. The anxiety of feeling like I was about half crazy was wearing on me. (On top of what we now know were actually real pregnancy symptoms) 

We (OK, I) decided to take a test. I knew that evening was not the best time to test, but I live dangerously. At 8:30p last night I took that first pregnancy test. It showed positive in less than 30 seconds. H had followed me into the bathroom and I said, "Yes! I'm pregnant!" He then danced around saying, "Pregnant! Pregnant!" He got to tell his daddy (and then his grandmas) that mommy was REALLY going to have a baby. I even put a 'big brother' shirt on him and made it a fun little celebration. 

Cam wasn't 100% convinced by the test, but the two subsequent tests, both positive, have made him a believer. 

Today I have felt like I am not quite myself. I am on a little bit of a happy high and in a fog of disbelief. The fatigue that won't go away sure isn't helping with these feelings. 

Last night and today I got to talk about my pregnancy. I got to talk about my babies. For the first time they were not hypothetical conversations or 'what if' scenarios. We got to tell close friends and family our news and it was thrilling for me. My due date of May 25th (May 5th if we have twins) isn't just a set of dates I will forget, they are life changing dates for our family. 

We go back to the clinic on Monday the 18th to confirm pregnancy with a blood test. Once we get the results from the clinic we will be scheduled for our next appointments, which include an ultrasound around six weeks (We are 4+1 right now) to determine if we have twins or not. 

We want to thank you for the many prayers and all the love that has been sent our way through this process. Keep 'em coming! The hard part has just started. 

Shining A Light, Even When It Is Difficult

To say the last two days have been hard is an understatement. I have experienced the entire range of emotions and have managed to live through them. 

Without going into the usual detail, I will tell you that after what I thought was another positive ultrasound appointment Monday morning, I got a call that afternoon letting me know they were canceling my cycle. We will not be doing a transfer this cycle after all. 

Once again, I spent the day anticipating news from our clinic. Once again, I checked the portal more times than I should have. I was encouraged to see some lab results, and to my untrained eye, the numbers looked good. I had about doubled my estrogen levels, my progesterone was going up and the lining had grown thicker since my last visit. I just knew there was nothing that could stop us now. 

I was regrettably wrong. Once more, a call that should have brought good news instead brought devastation. 

I managed to hold myself together during the call, fighting waves of nausea and dizziness while trying to pay attention to what was being said on the other end of the line. My life felt like it was again unraveling, and quickly. After getting off of the phone, I sank to the kitchen floor and called Cam. I had already begun to cry and when I heard his voice I lost it. I managed to choke out enough words to let him know about the cancelled cycle.

He left work right then and came home.

I didn't move from that spot on my hard, cold floor. I couldn't move. I was frozen and overwhelmed. I bawled my eyes out. I cried and screamed. I pounded the floor in anger and frustration. My body shook with sobs. There were no coherent thoughts or  actions. I just melted into the floor, feeling like the world was sitting on my shoulders. 

When Cameron got home, he helped me to sit up and held me. We cried together and talked. He cleaned me up as I was covered in tears and snot. I had made a pool on the tile that took four paper towels to clean up. (yeah, it was an ugly cry) 

I am devastated. I most recently wrote about how tired I am and that I just couldn't take another setback. This journey has now extended to almost 9 months. I have calculated four different due dates and heaven has gained six little babies. I have had 110 shots, taken 147 evil birth control pills. I have had two egg retrieval surgeries and one polyp removal surgery and more blood draws and invasive ultrasounds and taken more pills than I care to tally. 

I am exhausted. I am discouraged and I am, to be honest, a little angry. Enough is enough. 

At this point, if we did not already have five embryos we are responsible for and already are in love with, I would quit. If I didn't believe there was valuable life in the lab in Tulsa, I would throw in the towel and call it a day. 

Believing the way I do and living by my convictions even when it is incredibly hard is… incredibly hard. I can see why many people choose to believe that there is no life represented in an embryo or an unborn baby. It is much easier to believe that way. When there is no life, there is no guilt or responsibility. When life isn't at stake, decisions are able to be made with one’s own desires as the only consideration. It would be easier and far less complicated to not believe the way I do.

However, I do believe that there is life created, and I love and value those little lives. God allowed those lives to be and that alone is a miracle. Not at any point would I consider giving them back and not allowing them the best chance of living.  Galations 6:9 comes to mind when I question myself: “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”

Sometimes I am tempted with little whispers of self doubt. I question my beliefs and if they are worth all I am going through. Matthew 5:14-16 says, “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

I have to dare to stand out. My viewpoint may not be the most popular (I know it isn’t) but it could have an impact on others.

I am called to be the light of the world, not matter what, no matter how hard the situation I am going through is. 

My life, and this blog are a light I am shining. I believe in life. I have a responsibility to share that message of life in every way and on every platform I have available. God is able to do immeasurably more than I ask or imagine, and I can not help but be in awe of His unfailing love for me or stop sharing about it. This time of my life is hard. This season is long, and it never seems to end, but I serve a God who controls the wind and the waves. 

Read all of Job 38 here

I know nothing of God’s plans for my life, but I know my calling. It is to share God’s light and love with as many people as I can. It is to live for Him and do what I feel He is calling me to do. no matter how hard it gets, or how much my calling or view conflicts with the world. 

My pain is huge and real. I still find myself crying at random things. My heart is heavy and I feel like I am walking through a bit of a fog right now, but God is the “lamp unto my feet and the light unto my path” and nowhere can I turn that He is not there. He is using my story to impact people around the world. I am able to share from a very real place about LIFE. This does not take away my pain, but it gives purpose to my pain, and that in turn helps me to deal with it. It gives me a direction and a way to cope. 

I am exhausted and at the end of my rope, but I know that God will sustain me. I know that in the end all things will work out according to His plan for me, and that is enough. It is enough for today and it will be enough for tomorrow. 

Chasing My Unicorn (Transfer Day)

I am sorry for the long absence from blogging. I have been updating my Facebook page but have not had the energy to sit and piece my thoughts together for a proper blog post. For those of you following who are interested and have been wondering what's going on, this is for you. If you want, hop over to Facebook and like my page so you don't miss out on any of my updates.

It has been almost a month since I last blogged, and longer than that since I actually talked about the procedure we are going through. Honestly there hasn't been a lot going on. I've been on medications and that's about it. The uneventful reality of fertility treatments. You can go for long periods of time without change and then all of a sudden, there is so much going on it is hard to take it all in.

For over a month now I have been on Lupron injections once a day. These are not too bad, but do give me headaches. Because of the candida diet I am on right now, I am not supposed to have caffeine, but I cheat and have a couple of cups of my beloved black coffee every day. It is the one thing that actually helps the headaches. Tylenol, etc. does nothing to touch these bad boys, and if I get one I am good for nothing for the entire day. It is a cheat that is entirely worth it, and I am happy to do it because, let's face it, life without my coffee would be pretty bland.

On top of the lupron, I am on estrogen patches. I started out with one patch on July 6th and have increased to four patches now. I change these every other day. These babies pack a powerful punch. Since starting them I have had several bad days. Situations and issues that would simply annoy me or rub me the wrong way before estrogen have made me have small breakdowns. I find myself crying at the slightest provocation and I get emotionally and physically exhausted much easier than I should. I am a hot natured person, and the hormones do not help. I am sweaty and gross much more than I would like to be. This makes the patches slip and slide and lately I have been having a hard time keeping them on. I am thankful for the candida diagnosis I received last month and the incredibly strict and healthy diet I have been on because I think it has given me a boost to help combat some of these symptoms. If I were turning to sugar and carbs I am sure I would not only weigh a lot more, I would have depression issues again, etc. (Side note, if you have not noticed, I am ALL ABOUT the candida diet. You should check it out. I have created a pinterest board of inspiration if you are interested.)

I also take a baby aspirin every day, which isn't bad at all until I cut myself shaving and then I bleed like a stuck pig. (excuse the colloquialism) The other medicine I have been on is a viagra suppository that I have to take vaginally every morning. This does... absolutely nothing. (Sorry honey) It may contribute to the bleeding when I get cut, but that's about all the symptoms I can detect from it. Besides being a little messy and awkward, it is pretty benign.

I did have surgery this month (the 20th) to remove three uterine polyps (which were, thankfully, benign.) This set our FET transfer cycle back by about 5 days. Everything went well and I am polyp free. It did end up costing us about $8k out of pocket, which isn't any fun, but it is what it is. What's another $8k? *sarcasm* The irony of this is they charged me $130 for a pregnancy test they insisted I take before the procedure. I assured them I was not pregnant and if I was it was a miracle and they needed to call a news station, but they HAD to have that pregnancy test result in the records before I could have the procedure. I awkwardly peed in a cup with all my IV cables hooked up, etc. which was quite an act. They dipped a .50 cent test into the urine and waited three minutes while talking to me. Sure enough, it was negative. (imagine that) This cost me $130. I won't go into how I feel about that, but let's just say that in my estrogenated state, I was more than displeased when I saw the bill. 

We have spent quite a bit of time at my parent's house. This has helped to pass the time that seems to want to creep along. Every day of waiting and anticipating feels like a week. Mom and dad put up a pool and H and I enjoyed swimming several times a day. We have also been enjoying a friends' pool here in town with Cam's mom. H and I are both tan and blonde and are enjoying the summer, despite the heat. 

That's the general, Reader's Digest version of events the last month or so. Now, on to the current goings on. 

Yesterday we had our long-awaited lining check ultrasound. If my life were a movie, this would be the iconic date circled in bold red marker on my calendar. It would have arrows pointing to it and exclamation marks, etc. This is the appointment that was to be the catalyst, the jumping-off point for the downhill slide of the FET cycle. This appointment marked the beginning of the long-awaited end. Almost eight months of treatments, medications, heartaches and hopes were all going to be fulfilled and justified at this appointment. 

The appointment was one of the quickest ones I have had so far. They managed to get my tiny veins to cooperate and I only had to be stuck once for the blood draw. I didn't have to wait long for the Dr. once I was in the room, and the ultrasound was a really quick one. It took me longer to get undressed and dressed again than to do the ultrasound. The words, "Perfection" and "This is exactly what I want to see" came out of the Dr.'s mouth. I was told to check my portal for updates. I left the office on top of the moon. Transfer day was going to be less than a week away. 

At one of our appointments last month I asked our Dr. about the general timeline for an FET schedule. He said that at the linking check, if everything looked good, transfer would be about 6 to 8 days later. I did the math, chose a date in the middle and have been telling people my transfer would be about the 26th of July. This made sense to me based on my LMP and the ovulation timing, etc. I calculated my due date off of that timeline. I began making childcare arrangements and planning family visits with visiting relatives around that timeline. The 26th, in my mind's calendar was covered in glitter and brightly glowing. It was a magical, unicorn date... TRANSFER DAY. 

I was riding on a bit of a high yesterday because of the good news we received. After all the setbacks and cancelations and failures, we just needed something to go right for us. We needed to feel like we were making forward momentum and not being dragged ever backwards. We finally had that. My body was doing just what it needed to be doing, and we would actually be able to stick to the timeline. 

Being the obsessive person I am, I might have checked our portal a couple of times an hour for an update yesterday. I knew I would be told to start progesterone shots as well as several other medications that prepare my body for receiving the embryo. I knew what would be coming, I just needed the okay to begin the new treatment. I was relieved when Cam's mom invited us to go swimming at a friend's house. I would have an excuse to get out of the house, relax and ignore the portal for a couple of hours. 

While we were swimming, I got a missed call from the clinic. Excited and hopeful, I called them right back and all but danced on the pool deck while waiting for the right person to come on the line. Excitement turned to tears with only a couple of words. They needed to know what pharmacy they should call another medication in to. I guess the glowing report I had received wasn't all I thought it had been. They need my lining to develop more than it has, so they prescribed me Estrace, another estrogen medication. I take this, along with all of my other medications until Monday.

Instead of a transfer on the 26th, I have another ultrasound on the 24th and we go from there. This is another delay of about 4 days or so. I have no way of knowing at this point.

I hear you laughing a bit at my dramatic recounting that lead up to ONLY a 4 day delay. Four days is nothing! Four days isn't worth being worked up about. 

Four days is an eternity. 

Add up all the delays and cancelations and rescheduling together and it almost equals a typical pregnancy gestational period. I have been pumped full of medications and not had a break from pregnancy hormones in my body since November, when we started this process. I am tired. I am discouraged and I am struggling to believe I will ever be pregnant. Every time I feel I have a grasp on what I want, it fades out of sight. Every delay means more medications, more money, more stress and more waiting. I am so tired of the waiting. 

Transfer day really is my unicorn. I'm beginning to question if it exists for me. I was at transfer day once before this year. I was on the way to the clinic. I had followed all the instructions and I was excited to receive the little life I had prayed for and agonized over. We got a call on the way to the clinic that our little embryo had not survived and we would not do a transfer. I can not describe the feeling. A miscarriage, a death, the crushing of my hopes and dreams. 

Infertility treatments are a roller coaster of emotions and you never know if you are going to go for a loop, a vertical drop or a sharp turn. You are in the pitch black and even the experts cannot assure you of what is going to happen. The track changes mid-ride. The anticipation and the dread battle with the excitement and never go away. Nothing you can do will distract you from the fact that you are on the ride and you could experience change - good or bad - at any moment. Four more days of this torture is four days too long. I have been on this coaster for months and I am ready for something a little less thrilling. I need stability for a while. I need progress. Starting the ride over again and again on a seemingly endless loop this year has about done me in. 

Yes, pregnancy - especially a twin pregnancy-  is an adventure in and of its self, but at least it is a change of scenery. There is more of a road map for it and it is a bit more predictable. There is forward progress, marked my visible changes in my life and my body. It is more of a public event and people know how to be involved in a pregnancy. Even the kindest, most loving family members do not understand or know how to be involved with fertility treatments. You feel alone and misunderstood and vulnerable most of the time. Infertility is isolating and depressing. 

As I read back through what I just wrote, I think I did a good job describing the emotions and the reality of what is going on. I do not write to get sympathy or attention. I write because I feel it is my calling. Others going through this need to know that they are not alone. They need to be able to relate to someone who actually gets it. Family members of infertile couples who do not know how to express their feelings need to be able to read our story and understand what their loved ones are going through. Our fellow infertile couples also need to know that there is hope. 

Despite all my anxiety and yes, even depression, etc. I have hope. Ephesians 3:20 says, "Now to Him who is able to do infinitely more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us..." I know that I have the God of the universe caring for my eight little babies in heaven. That same God is looking out for my five frozen embryos and already knows their future. He also has my son's precious life in His hands. Even on the hardest of days I know I can turn to Him. I serve a God who creates and orchestrates life and cares about His creations. 

Living with this firm foundation under me and depending on the stability it gives puts a spin of power and hope on a situation that would otherwise be hopeless. There is power in the blood of Jesus, and I know that it covers me and all of my children. The blood washes me clean and gives me a bigger picture view of the process. I still hurt and I still grieve and I am very much human, but I cling to the promises I have through my relationship with Jesus Christ. 

I tell my story to honor God and share how He has been faithful to us and been the light we needed even in the darkest and scariest of situations. When we get to the end of ourselves, He is ALWAYS there to sustain us and lift us up. He has sent us support and encouragement through family and friends. He has shown us love in physical, tangible ways and emotional, spiritual ways. He is always there, always able, and always enough. "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

1. 
   
   Would you be free from the burden of sin?
   There’s pow’r in the blood, pow’r in the blood;
   Would you o’er evil a victory win?
   There’s wonderful pow’r in the blood.
   
   
   Refrain:
   There is pow’r, pow’r, wonder-working pow’r
   In the blood of the Lamb;
   There is pow’r, pow’r, wonder-working pow’r
   In the precious blood of the Lamb.
   
   
   Would you be free from your passion and pride?
   There’s pow’r in the blood, pow’r in the blood;
   Come for a cleansing to Calvary’s tide;
   There’s wonderful pow’r in the blood.
   
   
   Would you be whiter, much whiter than snow?
   There’s pow’r in the blood, pow’r in the blood;
   Sin-stains are lost in its life-giving flow;
   There’s wonderful pow’r in the blood.
   
   
   Would you do service for Jesus your King?
   There’s pow’r in the blood, pow’r in the blood;
   Would you live daily His praises to sing?
   There’s wonderful pow’r in the blood.

Rethinking Your Parenting

This morning my husband got called into work early. I tried to go back to sleep when he left, but I couldn't. I laid in bed until about 6am before giving up on sleep and deciding to make the most of my alone time.

I had planned coffee on the patio while actually getting to have some quite time in the Word. Unfortunately, the patio furniture was soaking wet from the rain we had last night. Oh, well. To the dining room table I headed. On the way I made coffee and started a load of laundry. (I was feeling productive) I was about half way through my scripture copying  (check out some examples I have pinned if you are interested. I really love this method of studying scripture.) when the little master of the house woke and began calling for someone to get him out of bed.

Wouln't you know it?! The booger usually sleeps until at least 8am and he was up before 7am (for the second day in a row!)

I was tempted to be upset because I didn't get my alone time but instead I enjoyed the morning snuggles my son was willing to give. I took in the beautiful sight of him laying on my chest and snuggling his very loved and matted stuffed dog toy and my heart melted. It was a sweet and peaceful moment and we don't get a lot of those theses days.

I did get to finish my copy work while my son ate breakfast, and I love that he got to see me in the Word. I'm not sure what makes me think I need a distraction free environment to study the Bible. Distractions are what my life is made up of right now, and I have to learn to find time to be in the Word through the distractions that come at me from all angles.

Once when I was telling my mother about struggling to find time to do my devotions, she told me that my great-grandfather {{who was one of the Godliest and best men ever made}} used to tell young parents not to stress about not being in the word as much as they wanted to be. He said that by teaching and moulding the minds of young children daily you are actually doing God's work and reinforcing your own faith in the process. This was not an excuse not to spend time reading and studying the bible, it was just assurance for tired young parents.

His advice only works if you use God as a large part of your parenting. If you only teach your child to, for example, obey because "I told you so," he will be obedient, but only because he has to be or there is a consequence. (not that those are bad things in and of themselves.)

However, if you take the time to explain to your child that you obey because God asks us to, you change the focus from a worldly consequence to a Godly perspective and a greater purpose.

When you are parenting in this style, you are constantly speaking the Word into your children. You are reminding them of God's promises and teaching them about the Bible. If you approach parenting from this perspective, my grandfather's theory holds true. Not only are you reinforcing your own faith and teaching your child, you are forced to be in the Word and know what the bible says for yourself.

I recently read a great article on the subject that I loved. It spoke to me and got me to re-thinking my parenting style and goals. I am not simply raising a person who *hopefully* will be a successful, thriving member of society. I am raising a Christian in a world that is against him from the start. I am raising a person who will be a leader in his church or at the very least, his own family.

"Unfortunately, our "good" objectives might have absolutely nothing to do with the gospel of Jesus Christ. And we inadvertently end up raising pagans instead of Christians."

I have an amazing christian heritage and I take it for granted most of the time. I often fail to realize the hours of work, sacrifice and purposeful living that went into creating that for me and my children. I am honored to take that and expand it to the next generation.

As a mother, this is my whole job and responsibility. Nothing is more important than teaching my children to love and serve the Lord, not just know that he exists.

Some days it is HARD. Some days I don't have a lot to give and my temper is short. Sometimes I forget to take time to explain things to my son, and play the classic, "Because mommy said!"

I am NORMAL. I just can't give up because of a bad day or two. Tomorrow is another day and another chance to be Jesus to my son.

I have always loved Lori Wick books, and the reasons for me loving them have changed as I have grown. I've read all of them I own (which are most of them) multiple times each. One of the things I appreciate about them at this point in my life is how she portrays parenting in her books. Her characters embody this principle. Many times they teach verses (even just short parts of verses for little ones) to children to reinforce life principles they need to know.

Finding ways to apply scripture to little lives is amazing and is a goal of mine. I just LOVE this idea. I recently read that a child at the age of two is making 7000 new neural connections every second. Everything he learns in this early part of his life will play a significant role in who my son will ultimately be.

Talk about motivation to rethink my parenting! 

Six Things You Shouldn't Say to Someone Going Through IVF

I don't know if I've said this before, but I dislike blogs that are "__ things not to say to a __". It is as if each sub group of the population has a specific list of requirements that the greater population has to magically know, and IF they don't (or do) these things they are somehow offensive or not PC. I could go on about how I feel about it, but I won't since I am about to write one myself.

I KNOW, how hypocritical! As much as I hate these posts for the general principle behind them, sometimes they are useful. As in, if you have a friend struggling with infertility, going through IVF, etc. read up on it and know how to support them. It is okay to acknowledge their struggle (actually, please do) and here are some things you should probably avoid. I have been through all six of these either online or in person. I can say from experience that these things, while (sometimes) coming from a place of love, can hurt and just add to the stress of the situation.

1. Relax
Infertility is a medical diagnosis, just like any other disease. There are horrible medications, surgeries and countless invasive Dr.s appointments, not to mention the thousands of dollars spent. If relaxing to get pregnant was the answer, it surely would have happened already. Please, never tell anyone to relax. It is almost offensive and kinda downplays the whole struggle your friend is going through.

2. Maybe you will get pregnant on your own while doing IVF
Okay, in all fairness, this has happened. Miracles are still a thing today, and there are some people who have been lucky enough to get a baby that way. This is a rarity, not something that often happens. It's like saying, maybe your brain tumor will just disappear before you have to have surgery. Yeah, it can happen, God works wonders every day, but this isn't something to build your hopes on.

3. I have a friend...
Stop. Hearing about your friend who adopted and then miraculously got pregnant with twins the next month is just another success story that your friend has heard 15 versions of from everyone else. Also, stories of women who have trouble getting pregnant the first time and then have many babies naturally after that don't help anything. They are great stories, and if shared in general conversation as it naturally comes up is fine, but as a form of encouragement or advice, it is not exactly welcome.
Every diagnosis is so different and your other friend could have something entirely different going on. For example, if your friend's husband has severe male factor infertility, nothing besides an act of God or IVF with ICSI will make a baby.

4. Have you tried...
YES, your friend has tried it. If it is in an app, book, blog or podcast, she has tried it. Before having an official infertility diagnosis and all that entails, your friend has used every position and remedy recommended. She has timed intimacy to the minute and has read half a book with her legs in the air. She is way beyond that point. She now knows that the legs up approach is just a wive's tale and that nothing she had tried would help with her diagnosis.

5. Can't you just stop?
If your friend going through IVF is struggling, the best thing you can do is give her a big hug, pray for her (right there, don't just say you will do it) and maybe just let her talk about it for a while. Never EVER suggest she should give up if she is overwhelmed. You can't imagine the pain that causes coming from a stranger, let alone a friend. It seems so logical to some people, just stop the thing that is causing you pain, but it is far more complicated than that. Struggling with your hormones that are raging in ways you can not imagine, trying to ignore the constant nausea, living with highs and lows emotionally, and feeling like there is nothing in-between is utterly exhausting. There will be bad days, the longer the process, the more bad days there will be, but giving up is never the answer. Your friend going through IVF is a rock star, and if she is getting up and getting dressed and trying to be a prat of society, she is doing great. Encourage her in any way you can.

6. Adoption
There are two adoption issues, and I will cover them both.
If a friend is going through IVF she probably has already considered adoption and has either ruled it out as an option for her family, or has decided to try for one of her own first. Suggesting someone 'just adopt' is one of the biggest things that a lot of IVF couples hear. Adoption is not cut and dry simple. It is a long process, sometimes MUCH longer (years longer) than the IVF process and can cost up to about $50k if done as a private adoption. Sometimes people just want to make their own baby, and there is nothing wrong with that. Adoption is wonderful and I applaud people who have gone that route to make their families, but it isn't for everyone, and should not be treated as a bandaid and the sole 'treatment' for infertile couples.

So, your friend is half way through IVF, and she has way more embryos than she bargained for. She is overwhelmed (see number 5) and is struggling with what her future looks like. (Read my previous posts to find out how I feel about this) Do not suggest she give her babies up for adoption. Just. Don't. There may come a day in your friend's life, years down the road when she feels it is the best thing, and if that is her choice, so be it. However, God gave your friend those little babies, and they are all a gift. Cherish them with her. Offer to babysit or hold babies when you are needed, and support the family your friend has been given. Love on your friend and those tiny unborn babies. It will mean the world to her.

The part I dislike most about these types of posts is that it shackles the reader (friend in this case) and makes them feel like there is nothing they can say or do that won't hurt or offend. In a way, that is true. There is nothing you can do in this instance that can help in any tangible way. You can not make your friend or her husband suddenly not have infertility issues. However, there is a lot you can do.

Simply being a good friend is an obvious start. Ask your friend often how she is doing. Ask her what her next medication is or when her next appointment is. Offer to go with her to an appointment. She may not want you in the room, but the company for the drive to the clinic is nice. Treat your friend normally and encourage her to live life as much as possible. When she has bad days, bring her coffee, send her a text or do something that speaks to her. Make her a survival kit (see my post about it here) or go with her to get maternity pants (because she will want them even before she is pregnant because of all the swelling.)

If you are a best friend, most of this is probably obvious to you, and you have been a sounding board as she has gone through the process, this post is redundant for you. This is more for a friend who cares but doesn't know how to react to the situation. The best advice I can give you is to react. Just do it. There is nothing quite as lonely as going through something as huge as IVF and not having people ask about it or seem to care. Always having to be the one to bring up the subject or give the news gets old. It means more than you know to have someone randomly ask you about what you are going through and how you are doing.

There IS Truth, Even If YOU Don't Want To See It

If you are alive, you have had a hard situation you have dealt with. Let's face it, life is hard. Right now, I really feel we are in the throws of one of the hardest situations. I really don't know how anyone can go through something so difficult or life-changing without having the support and encouragement of believers.

Yesterday we all had a bad day. I take that back, it wasn't so much of a bad day as an overwhelming one. H was a bit of a handful and when we finally got him to bed we collapsed onto the couch with ice cream and relief. This is a typical evening for a lot of parents, so I'm not complaining, just setting the scene.

Most days I try to squash the negative Nancy inside of me that questions all my actions and feeds the anxiety furnace in the pit of my stomach. Yesterday she was harder to silence. I began to worry (again) about being able to expand my heart to another (or more) baby. I began to question my sanity (but not my resolve) to transfer two embryos and therefore potentially adding two babies to our lives.

As I have made pretty clear in this blog, we had no intention or goal of having a large family when going into this IVF season. Our goal was a sibling (possibly two) for Henry and that was it. HOWEVER, we prayed about it, and agreed together that we would embrace, take care of and love any number of children that God had for us.

That is a key to the IVF process, no matter how you approach it, but if you are going into IVF with the view that any embryo you create is life and a child of yours, you darn well better have your goals cemented in your mind before you ever start. Go through the options of what to do with your embryos and decide early and remind yourself often of your decision.

BTW Your options are: 

• Transfer into your uterus to create life
• Transfer without medications, etc. which essentially destroys the embryos but inside you (they don't have much of a chance to actually survive)
• Adopt your embryos out to another couple
• Destroy your embryos 
• Keep paying $50/ month storage until you die

In my anxious and exhausted state, I turned to the internet for support. (I know, that's hardly ever a good idea.) I am a member of a closed group for mothers of twins. I joined recently because I was reading about other's experiences and hoping to get encouragement, etc. as I go into the process of transferring two embryos. 

I wrote about how overwhelmed I am and I asked how they did it. I asked how your heart (let alone your home) can expand to allow for two more babies at once. I gave a teeny tiny bit of our story and also stated that we are certain of our decision, but that I am having a moment and needed encouragement. 

It's funny, I know the answer to my post, and I know exactly what I wanted to hear, and I actually expected to have all positive encouragement on the post. 

Not so. 

There were a couple of encouraging posts, and one that was what I was looking for, reminding me about the hormones being pumped into me right now and that it doesn't help the situation. She reminded me that God will provide and support me, etc. That was what I needed to hear. (Even though I already knew it - I just needed to hear it from someone who had been there, done that) 

I was appalled at so many of the responses though. For every positive post, there were two telling me to just give up. They told me that if I am overwhelmed now, that I should not have more kids. Even when given the facts about the $27k spent and the 7 months invested, and the five embryos waiting for and depending on us, I was encouraged to just give it all up for my sanity and happiness. 

I went in, needing encouragement for the future that lies ahead, that I KNOW is going to be hard, and I woke up to comments telling me that I should just drop the dream. The lives hanging in the balance that we have agonized over and fought for and I have endured physical and mental torture for were so easily dismissed by these women. 

I just don't get it. Is there not anything sacred in my generation? Is there nothing worth doing, even when it is hard, exhausting and overwhelming? Do people not do things anymore out of conviction, or because it is the right thing to do? 

The philosophy that one's happiness is paramount to all else is so incredibly flawed and actually sickening. In this specific situation, it was suggested that I just abandon my children to fate while I ditch everything I have been working for, because it was going to be hard. 

That is the response the world gives. No wonder millennials are dropping out of church in record numbers. No wonder we are seeing a surge in unemployed vagrants who don't want to "give up and work for the man at a corporate job." (actually quoted from an episode of tiny house hunters I just saw recently) No wonder this generation has a hard time recognizing and embracing truth.

Without a safe place to ask questions, where truth and scripture are used, garbage advice is given. The will of the masses bends minds and sways hearts. Satan uses that mindset to convince people there is no truth and to justify a selfish and self-serving lifestyle. 

Waking up to these comments not only appalled me but made my heart SO sad. It put me in a bad mood and I was short with my husband before he left for work. I am calling him as soon as I am through here to apologize for my attitude this morning. 

I just don't understand it. I don't get it at all. 

In the end, truth will prevail. Truth will win. Morals that change and bend with the changing fashions and follow the wind will come to an end. God can not be stopped by the will of the masses. Truth can not be stopped. 

We will live by our convictions, convinced we are doing what is right, even though we know it is going to be incredibly difficult. I may have breakdowns, I may need lots of encouragement and hugs, but we will do it and we will get through it with God's help and with the support of our friends and family who also believe in truth. 

FET: Everything You Didn't Know You Wanted To Know

What is FET?

When a couple is ready to use their embryo(s), they are thawed and transferred to the female's uterus at the appropriate point in her menstrual cycle. This process is called a frozen embryo transfer (FET). A patient preparing for an FET has blood testing and ultrasound scans that enable the physician to identify the appropriate point in her cycle to transfer the embryo(s).

We are going to be doing a medicated Frozen embryo transfer (FET), otherwise known as a programed FET. This means I will take a course of hormone medication that ensures the lining of my uterus is prepared to receive the thawed embryos.

While an FET is cheaper than IVF, and it is not IVF proper, it is the final puzzle in many IVF cycles. The embryos used in the FET process were harvested from a previous fresh IVF cycle. (Our April cycle)

Healthy embryos from a fresh IVF cycle that are not transferred (in our case, it was a 'freeze all' cycle) can be cryopreserved (frozen) and then stored until they are ready to be used. The process is really amazing, and I am trying my best to also write about it, even though I do not actually understand it all.

In the past, as recently as about 10 years ago is what I understand, the standard practice was to 'slow' freeze the embryos. This process worked, but the success rates weren't that great because there was often ice crystal formation inside the embryo. The newer process of vitrification (Stay tuned, I am going to write about that later) has improved the success rates, as it is more of a 'flash' freezing process. This process has improved the outcomes for frozen embryos. Couples using their snowflake babies can usually expect success rates equal to or better than fresh IVF cycles.  I'm not 100% certain of this theory, but the thought is that an embryo that makes it through the freezing and thawing process is a strong embryo, and a lot of REs automatically do assisted hatching on FETs, which also increases the chances of a positive pregnancy.

What is the Process?

Preservation of Embryos

Before you can have an FET, you have to go through a fresh IVF cycle. In this cycle, the eggs are grown and then harvested. These eggs are then fertilized by one of several techniques. In our case, it was ICSI. Any eggs successfully fertilized become embryos and those are grown for five to six days before the cryopreservation process is performed. These frozen (snowflake) embryos can be stored (at a rate of $50/ month) for at least 10 years or until a couple is ready to use their embryo(s).

Medicated FET

In a medicated (also commonly referred to as a "programmed" FET), the patient takes a course of hormone medication that ensures that the patient's endometrium (lining of the uterus) is prepared to receive the thawed embryo(s).  

Natural FET

"Natural" FETs use blood testing and ultrasound to plan the embryo transfer. Natural FETs require minimal or no medication. 

Transfer and Post-Transfer

When the physician judges that the FET patient's endometrium is ready, the embryo transfer is scheduled. On the day of the transfer, the patient's embryo(s) is thawed and transferred by the physician into the uterus. Embryo transfer is an outpatient procedure that does not require sedation and typically has no side effects. A blood test is done about 10 days later to check for pregnancy. If positive, another test it done one week later to confirm pregnancy. 

At our last appointment I asked my Dr. about the general timeline of an FET cycle. Once we do the baseline ultrasound, (which was originally scheduled for July 14th) he said it is anywhere from 6 to 10 days until the transfer is done. Most of the time though, if during that ultrasound, everything looks good, the transfer is scheduled for one week later. 

Because of the polyps that were found last week, we are having to delay this entire process to allow my endometrium to heal before attempting a pregnancy. LUCKILY, it should only bump our baseline back by about a week as long as everything looks good. 

How Successful is an FET?

Studies from around the world have shown that IVF pregnancies following a frozen embryo transfer are more similar to natural pregnancies than fresh embryo transfer cycles resulting in:

• Increased implantation rates
• Increased ongoing pregnancy rates
• Increased live birth rates
• Decreased miscarriage rates
• Lowered risk of pre-term labor
• Healthier babies

“Since frozen embryo transfers occur a significant amount of time after a woman’s ovaries were stimulated with medications, the hormone levels in the body have had time to return to normal, which mimics a more natural conception process,” says William Schoolcraft, M.D., medical director of CCRM. “This process appears to have a positive impact on the health of the baby.”

It seems that lengthening the time between administering the drugs and achieving a pregnancy lowers the risk of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS), a potentially fatal complication that can be triggered by taking certain fertility medications that stimulate egg production. 

In situations where a Dr. sees warning signs that a woman is at risk for OHSS (high estrogen levels and follicle numbers, rapid weight gain, fluid in the pelvis, etc.), he may recommend freezing all available embryos rather than proceeding with a fresh transfer, as pregnancy. This is exactly why we were not able to do a fresh transfer with our April cycle. Mine was not a severe case, but had I continued with my treatment and put more hormones in my system, or become pregnant, it could have gotten worse. 

What About Future Cycles?

Following a fresh IVF treatment cycle, subsequent FET cycles are less costly for patients. Expenses of both medication and treatment are less than in a fresh cycle. Costs of treatment are reduced since there are fewer monitoring visits, and there is no need for egg retrieval, insemination, or embryo culture.

FET cycles are easier because you do not need surgery (the egg retrieval) or anesthesia. At the start of your FET cycle, estrogen and some other drugs are used to prepare the uterine lining. Daily intramuscular progesterone is added later in the cycle, closer to the transfer.

This means that when we get ready to transfer more babies, we will still have to have blood work done, ultrasounds to check the health of my uterus, etc. which will cost about $6k, and take about two months or so. This seems like a lot of time and money, but compared to doing a fresh IVF cycle, it is a bargain. 

So, What's Our Plan?

As with all plans, they are subject to change and are dependent upon God's plan for our lives. We are approaching our future, especially when it comes to our family, prayerfully and carefully. We are not dead set on any one idea, but are leaning towards the following. 

We do not want to continue this FET cycle process for years and years. We do not desire to have children after I am 40. Considering this, and the fact that we have five embryos, which we do plan to attempt to use, we have considered the following schedule: 

Transfer two embryos in July 2017 (March-April 2018 Due Date)

Transfer two embryos the Fall of 2019 (May-June 2020 Due Date)

Transfer one embryo around December 2021 (September 2022 Due Date) 

This seems like a super crazy baby schedule, but I have peace about it. While, the thought of that many children overwhelms me at the moment, I know I will have the strength and energy to do what I have to do when the time comes. With this schedule, we will not do any transfers until the previous child(ren) are at least 18 months old, and they will be well over two before giving them any younger siblings. 

We have considered transferring one embryo in the middle, instead of two, but we decided against that. We figured while we are in the throws of having twins, have two of everything, etc. we would just keep up the momentum (assuming all the embryos live and result in a live birth.) When we have that last single baby, it will be easy to have only one little one, with lots of help from older siblings. 

We may decide to add some more time in between the transfers if we think we need to, but we will prayerfully make that decision when we get there. 

The Love of God Poured Out

"And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." (NLT)

After two exhausting days, you would think that I would be sound asleep, but instead, I am awake for the 5th time since going to bed at 9:30. I have finished my third cup of water and have taken some melatonin and used lavender oil. Before they kick in, I have to tell you guys a story of God's unfailing love and how he spoke to me this weekend through a miracle and through the actions of several of his Saints.

Thursday was our Friday. Getting the news of the polyps (you can read about it here) that afternoon wasn't a good note to start out a stressful and long weekend. As much as I tried to 'be cool' about my diagnosis, and give it over to God, I was stressed about it.

I stayed up late Thursday night preparing for the garage sale we have been planning to have. I was partly dreading the alarm going off at six, so I couldn't sleep, (logical, right?) and partly, I was praying (worrying to God is more like it) about these polyps and what it could mean. Most likely they are benign. There is only an incredibly low chance there is anything more to them. ( I just can't bring myself to even type the 'C' word.) Cam and I briefly talked about 'what if' and I only voiced my concerns about it to my mom and one very close friend. Despite being incredibly busy all weekend, and not really having time to think about it much, the thought hovered over me like a little rain cloud.

The first part of this story (miracle) is that some family recently moved, and instead of giving all their stuff they didn't want to a charity of some kind, or having a garage sale themselves, they gave us ALL their stuff. It was enough (good, quality stuff for the most part) to fill up about half of our garage when packed tightly. Both our parents also gave us some of their things to sell in this big sale. They said we were helping them out by hauling their old stuff off, but I can not thank them enough for their generosity. They truly made a difference in our lives.

Garage sales are always hit and miss, but this one had a pretty constant stream of people coming in from before we were technically open the first day until we were packing it in on Saturday afternoon. There was a threat of rain, but instead of pouring down and squashing our efforts, it held off until we were completely through, had everything cleaned up and were in the middle of a celebratory Chinese buffet dinner with our best friends who had sat with us for most of the day. (we know how to have a good time!)

Despite being humid and sticky, the weekend went off without a hitch. We worked hard and got sun burned, but we made some really good money. Also, we sold every single item we had put in the garage sale. We didn't have to haul anything off, or put it in our garage and store it.

At the end, we were practically giving stuff way, and we sold some nice things for WAY less than we probably should have, but we felt good about it. Probably we were so ready for it to be over, that we were just desperate for the stuff to be gone.

When we were close to being done, a lady came in who had come the day before, and was really wanting our precious moments we had for sale. While they have value to some people, finding those people is not always easy. She knew all about them, and was still an avid collector. She was an incredibly sweet person who loved her Jesus, and her tiny personality just bubbled over. She only came up to about my rib cage, and her smile was genuine and her eyes sparkled. When she came back, I offered her every figurine (still in the box) for $5. I knew it was basically giving it away, but I wanted the to go to someone who would appreciate them and not just be donated.

She just about cried when I made the offer, and it took some assuring to let her know I was serious. She paid me with a twenty and refused the change. She said she knew that that was still a steal and that she wanted me to have it. She said that she hoped it blessed me and my sweet family. She also bought a couple more items we had.

Shortly later, we called a friend who has a booth at a local market to come buy everything we had left. We told her she could take it all for $40. We had a piece of furniture and some other things that made it a good buy for her, and it saved us from having to haul it off.

After we got her SUV loaded up, we stood on the drive talking. She told me that she had been praying for us and that she felt the Lord has spoken to her the day before. She was driving and we came to her mind. She prayed for us, and she said she felt like the Lord was telling her she needed to invest in our lives and the lives of the babies (she stressed babIES). She said that He had told her exactly how much he was to give to us.

She proceeded to hand me a $100 dollar bill, on top of the $40 she had paid us for the stuff. I refused at first, saying the things ones says. I have never been good at accepting things like that, and I never know how to react. Of course, my second response was to cry. She told me that I could not refuse HER a blessing, and that when God told her to do something, that she needed to be faithful.

She then shared her story of having a cancer scare and the removal of her cysts, and how God had worked in her life and given both her husband and her incredible peace even in the midst of surgeries and intense emotions.  We stood on my drive hugging, praying and crying. She prayed peace over the situation and over our lives. She prayed for our babies. To know we have people in our lives, even beyond family, that are praying for and even loving our babies we don't even have yet is such a sweet and awesome thing.

She told me she appreciated how I share about life and how I share my story. She affirmed that some day I will see my heavens babies and that they are (were) LIFE.

Her husband, who had been taking to Cam, stepped in and told me that sometimes God works through others and tells them to bless people, not for the physical blessing it's self, but for confirmation that He is there. For confirmation that the prayers are being heard. They affirmed that we are doing what we need to do and are following what we feel God is calling us to.

We had been praying and had asked here and in person for people to pray over the situation. We had asked for finances to work themselves out. We had been stressed about this upcoming surgery and how much we know it is going to cost in addition to all the other extra expenses of this unexpected frozen cycle.

After they left, we went inside, showered and then totaled up what we had made. After we took the starting till out, we PROFITED just over $1600.00. That is INSAINE. I have never had such a successful garage sale in my life.

Guys, GOD IS FAITHFUL. I wish I had more words, and that my oils and melatonin weren't kicking in so I could write his love for us. The lyrics from The Love Of God keep coming to mind.

The love of God is greater far

Than tongue or pen can ever tell

It goes beyond the highest star

And reaches to the lowest hell 

The guilty pair, bowed down with care

God gave His Son to win

His erring child He reconciled

And pardoned from his sin 

Could we with ink the ocean fill

And were the skies of parchment made

Were every stalk on earth a quill

And every man a scribe by trade 

To write the love of God above

Would drain the ocean dry 

Nor could the scroll contain the whole

Though stretched from sky to sky 

O love of God, how rich and pure!

How measureless and strong!

It shall forevermore endure

The saints' and angels' song

Thursday when we were at the clinic, we went ahead and paid for our actual FET procedure. We put it on our credit card so we could earn the points. It was JUST OVER $1600.00.

I am typing with tears streaming down my very tired and droopy face. I am completely overwhelmed and feel so undeserving. God provided. The donations from our family and the extra cash given to us from faithful people completely and almost exactly covered the cost of the procedure.

Yes, we still have so much coming up, but I have no doubt that He will provide for us.

We have been trying to stick to a pretty strict budget and have been using cash for everything. This cash will give us our budget money for just over three months while we are having to pay for all these unexpected expenses.

I have had prayers answered before, and I have seen miracles, but it never ceases to amaze me. Just as my friend said, This is affirmation that God is faithful and that He will take care of us. Even if I am tempted to worry, I can never forget that.

I am not glad we have medical issues that have lead us on this crazy path. I wish we didn't have to go through what we go through, but I am eternally grateful for the experiences and for the chances I have had to see God's hand at work because of it.

I don't know what the future holds. There are going to be days that I will be overwhelmed, but I feel now, more than ever, that we are doing what God has planed for us. This life is crazy and it takes twists and turns we are not expecting, but God knows all about them and isn't surprised by any of it.

Tonight I pray that each of you have a chance to be so blessed and humbled that you sit in your dark living room, soaking the front of your shirt with tears because  you just can't keep it in. My key board is wet from me wiping my tears while trying to type this.

I truly feel I was not able to sleep because I needed to put this testimony of God's love and faithfulness out there for the world to see. I am going to bed now, and hopefully I get some rest.

Good night friends, and God bless.

Polly Polyps

Before I begin telling you about the new twist in the plot of our baby journey, let me give you some great news. 

1) Our clinic gave us a 20% discount off of the FET procedure because we are repeat customers. That is awesome.
2) We were asking for prayers from friends and family last week because we were waiting for our insurance to authorize a medication we have to take. These estrogen patches are $400 out of pocket, or a simple $10 co-pay. We got news yesterday that our insurance did approve it!!!
3) With some other fancy saving techniques, like using what we have, and making sure I know everything being sent to me, we only paid $692 for our medications which we were quoted at being $1500.

Isn't that all great news? I love it when things work out in our favor once in a while.

Now, for that plot twist.

Not doing the transfer in April has opened a whole giant can of worms that we were 100% not expecting or planning for. We had thought we were going to transfer some embryos, maybe pay for some to be frozen for later use. That was NOT what happened.

Because we postponed the transfer, here are some things that, in true domino-effect, had to happen:
1) I have to be on birth control for two months and all the lovely side-effects that go with it.
2) Cam and I both have to take an antibiotic (Again) because it has been 6 months since we took one before. This is to make sure we are not giving each other STD's. Even though we KNOW that is not the case, we have to take it any way.
3) I have to do the FET process and everything that goes with it, including the $3k+ bills that go with it. (after discounts and refunds from previous cycles)
4) With a $6k deductible (none of the fertility treatment payments count toward it), we HAD hoped to have our baby in the same year as the IVF procedure, and all the prenatal care, etc. That's not going to happen. Everything will go back to $0 about two months before the birth. That's unfortunate.
5) I had to have another SIS/TT trial transfer ultrasound that cost us $895 on top of the other costs mentioned. This ultrasound is to make sure nothing is wrong with my uterus. They also map my uterus to make sure they know the best place to put the embryos on transfer day.

I am going to admit I was annoyed that I had to do all this, some of it for the second time in six months. I went into the appointment a little upset about it. I was paying almost $1k for a seemingly unnecessary procedure that takes less than ten minutes to complete.

As this was my third SIS/TT ultrasound I felt like an old pro. I knew that when they said, "Full bladder" they don't mean to drink a 44oz. water before coming in. I knew what to expect and that it was going to be painful, but not horribly so. I knew to expect menstrual-like cramps for the rest of the day.

When my Dr. finished the procedure, I was ready to say a quick thank-you and get ready to clean all the gel off my belly, etc. and get on my way. Instead of hurrying to the next patient, he stayed to tell me that he had found there polyps on my uterus.

Yup. This silly and redundant ultrasound actually found something. 

Turns out, I actually needed to have it done. They had told me it is better to have it and not find anything than to not have it and end up needing it. I said, "well, I'm perfectly healthy. We have male-factor infertility, you won't find anything, but I will do what I am told."

They were quick to assure me the polyps can be taken care of, but that it could not be done that day, and not in the clinic. I will have to have surgery (Hysteroscopy) later this month to have the poly polyps removed. This is not a major surgery, but it is incredibly overwhelming for me. 

Without the surgery we can not transfer any embryos, and all we have worked for can't happen. With the surgery, we have to come up with another several thousand dollars we were NOT planning on.

The good good news is that we caught the polyps in time, and our FET timeline won't be significantly altered. Our Dr. estimated that our timeline might get pushed back about a week. In the grand scheme of things, that is nothing. 

I really don't mean to sound grumpy or to be using this platform as a digital complaint box. I am a blessed woman, who is loved and I know that God will supply all my needs. Things look kinda gloomy right now and it just seems this process will never end. I feel like we have been in this endless ground hogs day loop of fertility treatments, setbacks and more treatments. Every step closer we get to actually getting a baby, we are pulled back several steps. 

I want to say, "It's not FAIR!" I want to throw myself on my bed and cry. I want to hit something. But, I don't. I can't. My crazy little life keeps going, even when I am overwhelmed and hurting. My son needs me, and I have to be able to care for and focus on him. 

No, it is NOT fair. While, "Why us?" goes through my mind in times like this, I am reminded that these things happen and they might as well happen to us. "Why NOT us?" 

If you are praying for us and lifting us up during this process, we appreciate you and we still covet those prayers. Please pray that the finances work themselves out. Pray for our attitudes and for my spirit. I am feeling a little crushed right about now. Pray for the surgery, that it goes well and is successful. Also, I am praying that nothing else goes wrong. Not sure I can handle another set-back right now.