Shining A Light, Even When It Is Difficult

To say the last two days have been hard is an understatement. I have experienced the entire range of emotions and have managed to live through them. 

Without going into the usual detail, I will tell you that after what I thought was another positive ultrasound appointment Monday morning, I got a call that afternoon letting me know they were canceling my cycle. We will not be doing a transfer this cycle after all. 

Once again, I spent the day anticipating news from our clinic. Once again, I checked the portal more times than I should have. I was encouraged to see some lab results, and to my untrained eye, the numbers looked good. I had about doubled my estrogen levels, my progesterone was going up and the lining had grown thicker since my last visit. I just knew there was nothing that could stop us now. 

I was regrettably wrong. Once more, a call that should have brought good news instead brought devastation. 

I managed to hold myself together during the call, fighting waves of nausea and dizziness while trying to pay attention to what was being said on the other end of the line. My life felt like it was again unraveling, and quickly. After getting off of the phone, I sank to the kitchen floor and called Cam. I had already begun to cry and when I heard his voice I lost it. I managed to choke out enough words to let him know about the cancelled cycle.

He left work right then and came home.

I didn't move from that spot on my hard, cold floor. I couldn't move. I was frozen and overwhelmed. I bawled my eyes out. I cried and screamed. I pounded the floor in anger and frustration. My body shook with sobs. There were no coherent thoughts or  actions. I just melted into the floor, feeling like the world was sitting on my shoulders. 

When Cameron got home, he helped me to sit up and held me. We cried together and talked. He cleaned me up as I was covered in tears and snot. I had made a pool on the tile that took four paper towels to clean up. (yeah, it was an ugly cry) 

I am devastated. I most recently wrote about how tired I am and that I just couldn't take another setback. This journey has now extended to almost 9 months. I have calculated four different due dates and heaven has gained six little babies. I have had 110 shots, taken 147 evil birth control pills. I have had two egg retrieval surgeries and one polyp removal surgery and more blood draws and invasive ultrasounds and taken more pills than I care to tally. 

I am exhausted. I am discouraged and I am, to be honest, a little angry. Enough is enough. 

At this point, if we did not already have five embryos we are responsible for and already are in love with, I would quit. If I didn't believe there was valuable life in the lab in Tulsa, I would throw in the towel and call it a day. 

Believing the way I do and living by my convictions even when it is incredibly hard is… incredibly hard. I can see why many people choose to believe that there is no life represented in an embryo or an unborn baby. It is much easier to believe that way. When there is no life, there is no guilt or responsibility. When life isn't at stake, decisions are able to be made with one’s own desires as the only consideration. It would be easier and far less complicated to not believe the way I do.

However, I do believe that there is life created, and I love and value those little lives. God allowed those lives to be and that alone is a miracle. Not at any point would I consider giving them back and not allowing them the best chance of living.  Galations 6:9 comes to mind when I question myself: “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”

Sometimes I am tempted with little whispers of self doubt. I question my beliefs and if they are worth all I am going through. Matthew 5:14-16 says, “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

I have to dare to stand out. My viewpoint may not be the most popular (I know it isn’t) but it could have an impact on others.

I am called to be the light of the world, not matter what, no matter how hard the situation I am going through is. 

My life, and this blog are a light I am shining. I believe in life. I have a responsibility to share that message of life in every way and on every platform I have available. God is able to do immeasurably more than I ask or imagine, and I can not help but be in awe of His unfailing love for me or stop sharing about it. This time of my life is hard. This season is long, and it never seems to end, but I serve a God who controls the wind and the waves. 

Read all of Job 38 here

I know nothing of God’s plans for my life, but I know my calling. It is to share God’s light and love with as many people as I can. It is to live for Him and do what I feel He is calling me to do. no matter how hard it gets, or how much my calling or view conflicts with the world. 

My pain is huge and real. I still find myself crying at random things. My heart is heavy and I feel like I am walking through a bit of a fog right now, but God is the “lamp unto my feet and the light unto my path” and nowhere can I turn that He is not there. He is using my story to impact people around the world. I am able to share from a very real place about LIFE. This does not take away my pain, but it gives purpose to my pain, and that in turn helps me to deal with it. It gives me a direction and a way to cope. 

I am exhausted and at the end of my rope, but I know that God will sustain me. I know that in the end all things will work out according to His plan for me, and that is enough. It is enough for today and it will be enough for tomorrow.