I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always
~Robert Munsch

The book, Love You Forever has been my favorite book since childhood. My little paperback copy has been gone through thousands of times. It was read to me so often as a child that I had it memorized before I could make sense of the letters on the page. As I grew, I read and recited it to my baby sister. I remember her crawling into bed with me and asking, for the one millionth time, for me to read it to her. I took my much-used copy to college with me, and now it sits in an honored position in my home. For my nephew's first Christmas, I bought a copy for him from Hallmark. This was a special gift for me to give him, since his mother is the same little girl that would sit and listen to me read that same book over, and over again. Because of busy lives and the hours that separate us, I knew that I would not get to see Carter as much as I would like to, so this purchase was an emotional gift that probably meant more to me to give than I could even admit. Thanks to technology, I was able to record myself reading this sweet love story to another generation.

Yesterday, an article about that book came across my homepage feed, and of course, I had to read it. This article discussed the parenting style represented in this book (which I had never considered before) and actually criticized it to some degree. I was on the verge of closing my browser, and not finishing the article on principle, until the language started to change, and the author brought to light something about the book I was unaware of.
The inspiration behind this fantastic book is one of such heartache, and profound love, even beyond the story it's self. The author wrote the book for his two still born children.

If you know my story you can see why this might have struck a chord with me. I bawled after reading about his struggle after his family's tragedy. Only those in my very inner circle know that I have lost a baby. No, I did not have it long; I didn't even know I was pregnant when i lost it. Knowing how I felt during that time in my life, and using my imagination and empathetic heart, I can't help but put myself in the shoes of the author. I read the book again after my education, and I saw it with new eyes. It is a beautiful tribute to the lives of his two babies who never had a chance to take their first breaths.

If you would like to listen to the author read his story, and sing the song he struggled with for so long, follow the link below.
Love You Forever

I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle.
~Jane Austen

As I sit here, contemplating my life and evaluating myself, I have come to understand that I am a selfish person, and that it is alright. That statement was only 26.5 years in the making. For a few months now, my husband and I have been attending the "Celebrate Recovery" meetings at our church. I am not ashamed to tell you that I went reluctantly at first. Boy, am I glad that I fought the urge to run from myself. This experience has given me the courage I needed to be able to take a long look inside myself and evaluate myself in the most honest terms. I am fearful of the future, I fear failure, I have approval addiction, anger issues and I am codependent. (Here is the definition, in case you, like me have never heard that term before: It often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others)

I would never have defined my life by that term in the past. Yes, for years, I have struggled with what I thought were the "normal" struggles of a respectfull, caring person. Questions plagued me like, Where do others needs end and mine start? Is it ok to say "no", even if it is the answer I really want to give? How will others view me if I don't do what is expected of me? The list could go on and on. Don't get me wrong, I am not painting the picture of myself as a subservient girl, worn down with the worry of caring for others. Outwardly, you may never have known my struggles. I just chose not to even put myself in situations where I could feel pressured to be deeply involved, or care to much.

"Celebrate Recovery" (CR) has helped me to define my feelings and fears, and given me tools to combat them. As I said, I am a selfish person, and it's ok. It's ok to focus on me once in a while. It's ok to to admit that I have needs and feelings, and they are no less important than anyone else's. My time is valuable, and it is ok to say no if I want, to to any event, even those that are offered by loved ones. This new freedom does not give me carte Blanche to be rude, or unsociable, but it makes it ok to be who I really am without fear. Once I understood this, some of my other struggles made more sense. I still struggle, but I remind myself daily that it is ok to be selfish.

I had to put my heart out there for you to fully understand the struggle I am going through right now. As I have mentioned before, Cam and I are unlabele to have children of our own. We are researching all our options, and adoption seems to be the best course of action. (We will try iui, etc as well) We are looking to adopt out of DHS care. We would love a beautiful baby we could take home from the hospital, but we simply can't afford to pay the $40,000.00 it takes for the adoption. (Seriously, that is about average for an adoption not done through DHS) Part of the process is deciding what limitations or deformities, if you will, you are willing to accept in your future child. As a selfish person, (well, maybe, lets call it ideal) I want to check "none of the above." Out of bravery, or that deep need to not disappoint anyone, I check a few boxes that are not serious illnesses. I feel pretty good about myself -a little charitable even. Out of curiosity and longing, I then go to the sites that show waiting children that are needing families. Not one of them do I even have the desire to take home. Yes, they are all sweet kiddos, who need love and care, but not from me. Most if them are mentally challenged, and about half of them are bound to a wheel chair. I have no problems with children like this, and I feel for them. At the risk of being taken wrong, I do not want to be their mother.

There lies my struggle. Yes, it is ok to be selfish, but how far does that go? I want to be a mother, and am unable to do so naturally. These children are parent less, some of them given up because of ailments they were born with. It is not their fault. They did not ask for the life they are having to live. I am sympathetic to that. Do my sympathies end at simple heart pangs for the helpless children, and is that enough? Is it ok that a good thought Sent their way is enough for me? Is it selfish of me to desire my "prefect" child?
I am so torn.

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths."
~Walt Disney

During the month of December I get a wonderful Christmas present from my company. I only have to work from 9am to 3pm. The extra two hours of freedom a day has been overwhelming in the past. What to do with that time has caused such inner turmoil that I give up trying to think of what to do. I then end up spending my afternoons on the couch, watching a movie that you could not pay my husband to watch with me. I then feel awful because I go to bed at night and realize that I have been off work for 7 hours, and I did not get anything accomplished. For some of you, an afternoon on the couch is an accomplishment in its self. But I come from a heritage of perfectionists who, if they knew how I spent my valuable free time would blush. I have a grandfather that is constantly cleaning. He will literally take your pizza plate to the kitchen if there is nothing on it... even if you just picked up your slice to take a bite. He has a very clean house as a result, but his grand kids have very messy hands.

Well, once again, December is here, and I am determined to not waste any of my afternoons off. I have a whole list of things I want to accomplish, and I plan on actually following through with those things. (thanks to my kitchen command center I mentioned in my previous post - also something I have done with one of said afternoons) Last night I experimented with a new recipe. I LOVE Chinese food, but as much as I enjoy cooking, I have never attempted to make it. The frozen food section of my local grocery has a great selection of Chinese food, and all I have to do is warm it up. Thank you PF Chang's... I love you. Yesterday, my dear friend and I were talking about what to make for dinner, and she mentioned that she loves to make Asian food, and that her grandmother, who is Japanese had taught her as a child. This inspired me. I printed off some recipes and headed to Walmart. After buying more sauces, and vinegars than I knew existed, and some wonton wrappers, I was an Asian food expert in-the-making.

My two dishes of choice were crab rangoons, and lettuce wraps. They are both quite easy, but here are some tips I came up with based on my experience: Just because you really like crab does not mean that you should put more crab than required in the filling. This is a mistake. Also, the wonton wrappers burn quite easily, so do not have your oil to hot, and don't put to many in at one time. I pan fried mine this time, but I am going to try baking them using a muffin tin, or pulling out the deep fryer and seeing if that method helps me any. Here are the recipes I used.
Crab Rangoon
Lettuce Wrap

I forgot to take pictures, so I will include a pic. that my friend took of her rangoon experience.

“There was nothing medieval people liked better, or did better, than sorting out and tidying up. Of all our modern inventions I suspect that they would most have admired the card index.”
~ C.S. Lewis, The Discarded Image

I really love the idea of being organized. I am always making lists, and thinking of ways to improve my daily functions. I wish I could tell you I actually followed through with those lists, crossed off each task one by one, and went to bed at night happy. If I told you that, I would be lying to both you and myself. I tend to loose the lists, forget what I wated to organize, loose intrest and go to bed thinking of the same to do's night after night.

I recently had a Christmas party at my house which forced me to come face to face with those haunting lists. Of course, I was not able to get everything accomplished in a week that I would have wanted. I was however able to hit the high notes and manage to impress all my guests with my skills. One of my favorite projects was a jewelry organizer. We painted our master bed and bath a few months ago and since then I had been using one of the spare beds as a jewlery exhibit - classy, I know. Since I have more jewelry than the average gal, I needed no ordinary organizer. So, I went to Hobby Lobby and Lowes. An hour and a half later, my guest bed was clear of the sparkly debris, and my bathroom was graced with the super functional display.

After recovering from the party and putting my house back to rights, I was really enjoying the feeling of my casa being so clean and tidy. I knew however that this phenomon was going to be short lived. As I said before, my intentions are noble, but my follow-through is sometimes lacking. I dug deep into my creative inner being and also my pinterest board, and came up with an idea that is sure to work - at least for a few days. To Hobby Lobby I went. A 50% off sale, an ugly frame and a can of spray paint later, I was on my way to an organized life. With a little help from The Creativity Exchange and their FREE printables, I now have a "Command Center" in my kitchen. The idea is to Cross off the permanet list daily, and not watch TV, knit, or go to bed until all of them have been done. There is also room for other important things, like a reminder to find your brother-in-law a Christmas gift.

“I never said, 'I want to be alone.' I only said 'I want to be let alone!' There is all the difference.” ~ Greta Garbo

I am not one of those girls who follows the exploits of England's Royal family. I have never swooned over either of the Princes, I did not stay up all night to watch the wedding, and I don't really care which dress she wore to what garden party. I however do catch myself reading an article or two about them while waiting in the check out line at the grocery store, and have to admit, I think that Kate is one of the most stunning people I have ever seen. The idea of a modern day, real life rags-to-riches Cinderella story does intrigue me. What sickens me is the press that follows them everywhere. I think of how William's mother died, and I can't help but hate the press because of it. I know that as a public figure, you will never have much in the way of privacy, but I do feel sorry for them.

Lately, with the "Royal Pregnancy" I have been paying a little more attention because they are in the headlines more often. I saw an article on facebook the other day, and I could not help but click on the link and see what was going on. The article sickened me. There are actually people out there that are pressuring the couple to abort their child!! WAY to far people! you can talk about a woman's right to choose all day, but pressuring her to abort and calling William a selfish person because the speculation is that he is forcing her to keep the baby is absolute poppycock.

I believe in the sanctity of life, and any life, no mater how small, is life. No baby should die because of a mother's selfishness. To an even greater degree, who would have the audacity to tell Kate that she needs to kill off the future King or Queen living in her womb? I am quite sure Anne Boleyn would roll over in her grave if this were to happen. The article I read kept saying that they are so young, and they have their whole lives ahead of them. They need to travel, see the world, and live a little before settling down. This made me laugh out loud. We are not talking about Ronald and Sue, who live down the street in a 5th floor walk up. We are talking about a Prince and Princess of ENGLAND. While, I am sure they will be great parents, they will not be without help in raising any little royals that they make. As far as the traveling goes, it is their job. William, at least has been around the world since childhood. Most people would love to go to half the places the royal couple have been.

Kate, I know you will never read this, but I just want to say that you hold your head up, keep eating those crackers to keep the nausea down, and press on. This too will pass. I would give you a hug to support you, but I would be shot by the secret service, so I guess I will not spend the money on a plane ticket to England.

"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon"
~Doug Larson

I have struggled with weight all my life. I have been on so many crash diets, loosing 10 lbs. and then in one weak moment I would eat a whole bowl of cookie dough and gain 15. In one of my most recent attempts, I tried to cook healthy... it may be great for some people, but for this Okie girl who was raised on beef, potatoes, and butter it was a nightmare. I did have one recipe that I was exteremly pleased with. Of course, I found it while mindlessly scrolling through miles of pinterest board.

Caulifouwer pizza dough sounds about as appetizing a bar of soap, but is really quite surprising. There are a ton of recipes out there, so just choose the one you can follow. (the ones with lots of pictures are my favorite) The whole thing takes about 40 Minutes, not including clean up. That takes me another 40 minutes because I have to use every dish in my kitchen to boil water. Luckily for me, I have a husband that is more than slightly OCD, and makes a great sous chef.

The one I chose to use I found here: recipegirl.com
Helpful tip, make sure to grease the pan really well. The cauliflower tends to stick.
My pizza toppings of choice:
Basil pesto
Pine nuts
Dried tomatoes
Grilled Chicken seasoned with Cavanders all purpose greek seasoning
A little fresh parmesean
Mozzarella

For extra flavor, mix olive oil and Cavanders and put on the crust before baking.

"I may be crazy, but it keeps me from going insane"
-Waylon Jennings

I am 25 years old, married, and have a good job, where I am relatively importnat in my small corner of the company. What drives me crazy is that point at the corner of my dreams and reality. Sometimes they collide, and I am thrown for a loop. Where do I really exist in the daily activities of my life? What am I meant to be? What am I supposed to do? I am sure you remember as a child wanting to be a ballerina one week, and a super hero the next. Two completely different skill sets are required for both occupations. I am sure most ballerinas do not have x-ray vision, and I am positive that the Hulk would look pretty silly in a tutu. Does that mean that there is no room for those two worlds to collide? What would it look like if I took all my dreams and meshed them up into one bundle? Of course, the answer is simply Life. But what does that mean? What does that look like? I obviously can't run a photography studio, be a successful author, run an art gallery, Be a super crafter, open a kitchen gadget store, and be a professional stage performer all at the same time.

I have recently been struggling with my life, and what my role is to be. What character am I to be playing for most of my waking hours? All of us have many roles, but the primary one is usually what we are defined by. Hopefully, we throughly enjoy that role, and revel in that definition. What if you do not claim a primary role? What if your life is as ADD as your mother claims you are? Most of my friends are happily playing the role of mother, which requires so many sub-roles that they are to busy to even think about their definition. Unfortunately, even though I would love to play that role myself, it is just not in the cards for my husband and me. With that viod in my heart, I have been trying to fill it, and I have not landed on any one thing that seems to jive. Of course, I adore being a wife to my awesomely wonderful husband. He is such a kid at heart that sometimes I feel as though I am a mother of a very big boy. But, despite Cam's playful personality and love of practical jokes, he is pretty independent, and does not need me as much I need to give.

Having throughly gone through the process of trying to figure this out, I have come to one conclusion. I will never figure it out. No matter what your role, you are always thinking, what if, and could it be different. Since I am not going to be decorating a nursery any time soon, or trying to decide which brand of rash cream has the highest ratings, I am making the consious decision to not dewll on the what if's. Just because I did not get the role that I had been wanting, that does not mean that my acting carrerr is over. No, I do not have to be the best in all of the fields that I love, but I will give it a shot and see if I can at least hit the target. I may not open a bakery, but I can try new recipees and make cam be my gunea pig. I may never get to be a published author, but I will blog about this crazy life I lead, and maybe you too will see how ADD I can be.