As there is quite a bit to cover, I will do my best to NOT write a book on the topic, but bear with me, as it can't be written Reader's Digest style.
Despite being very open about our journey, and knowing SO many who also experience it, I only have a VERY small group - not a group actually, three ladies, none of which have met each other - who I can talk with when I am struggling or overwhelmed about our infertility and IVF journey. All of them have very different experiences and know me in very different ways. Beyond this blog, as much as I talk about it, and try to advocate for families to have support and love through their infertility journey, I often feel alone.
I have a supportive and loving circle of friends and family who really do try to understand, and do such a great job at listening and making me feel loved, but having that connection of actually knowing the loss and the grief, and not having to explain things is so amazing.
This weekend, I was able to connect with one of my girls. She is an IVF mama who has struggled and we have prayed for each other and cried for each other for years now. I got to talk to her in person about some things. It was amazing. Getting to hash out some struggles we are having and talk about our fears and hopes, and know that she was feeling the same gave me a stronghold and a rope to hang on to.
I'm not saying I am glad that someone else is struggling. I wish no one ever had to deal with infertility and all that it entails. I'm thankful for the connection though. I'm thankful that someone can see my heart and feel my pain, as a mother and understand my hesitations and emotions. We talked with technical, medical terms that we would have to explain to anyone who had not experienced it. It was a free-flowing conversation without the pressure of trying to be understood.
Life is crazy and a little funny. After having that conversation on Saturday evening, I go to church on Sunday and the preacher uses infertility and several stories about it as an illustration in his sermon. I loved it. Although it's talked about in the bible, many times, in the case of Abraham and Sarah, it's focused on the male perspective. (Which, is a valid perspective, and daddies struggle because of infertility too.)
The pastor talked about God's timing and His promises. He talked about the stories of the person who did everything right, and prayed and did IVF and went through such an ordeal, and still had no children to show for it.
I appreciated that. So many times, when we pray, we expect a positive answer. We think that God isn't there, or He is not loving us correctly, or maybe He is punishing us because the prayer wasn't answered in the way we wanted it to me.
God isn't a genie in a bottle. He doesn't say, *Poof* "What do you want?" He is a loving Father, who sometimes say no. Even when it hurts. He also blesses us beyond our wildest dreams sometimes, but for some reason, we tend to remember the hurts far more than the blessings. And, sometimes the blessings are a double-edged sword. They can be painful in their own right, and have consequences we didn't imagine.
The sermon actually made other points, and I'm sure pastor was going for a different message, but this is what I got out of it, and I needed to hear it.
I have been struggling so much lately. I'm stressed and emotional. Along with the rest of the world, COVID has changed so many things for me. I grieve for the state of our world, on so many fronts. I pray for my babies and the world they have to grow up in, which seems to be a foreign land. It's already so different than the world I grew up in.
I struggle with anxiety and a case of over thinking everything. I hash stuff out and plan until I am certain of the outcome, and then I take action. I would like to be spontaneous, but I really need plans and lists to operate off of to be at peace with situations.
Unfortunately, life doesn't have a playbook. It's messy, and constantly changing.
If you have followed our journey, you know that we did IVF for our first two children, and then we had a miracle baby. That baby is such a blessing in our lives, and was so healing to me in so many ways. However, he was not a part of my plan. His life and all it entailed was not factored in. My perfectly timed calendar of events was thrown out the window with the positive pregnancy test.
We have three embryos left. Three embryos that very well meaning people have suggested we don't need or have any use or responsibility toward, because we can now make babies the 'real' way.
The thing is, those are my babies. Those are my promise to God. When I struggled, and threw metaphorical rocks at the sky and cried and questioned God that He would give me NINE embryos, they were my babies. When I came to grips with our reality, and chose to see them as a blessing, shaken down, poured out and overflowing, they were my babies. When I promised God that I would love and care for each one and we would trust Him for their lives, they were my babies. When God gave us baby Charlie and rocked our world, they were STILL my babies.
I promised God I would raise them if He saw fit for them to live. I told Him that even though His yes answer didn't look like what I wanted, I was going to honor their lives. I thanked Him for our blessings, and told Him that if He would provide, we would step out in faith and do everything we could to give these babies life and raise them in OUR HOME. We are convicted and certain that we are called to raise them - not adopt them out.
None of those convictions change, none of our promises are made invalid, because suddenly our lives took a turn we didn't expect.
On that same vein, just because the world is scary to us, and we don't understand it all, that's not a get out of our responsibilities card. We were never promised that living by our convictions would be easy. Actually, I'd argue that we were told that it would be difficult.
I take comfort in my background in communications and go back to my mass media classes and lean on my love of history and all the reading about various periods. I would argue that the players have changed, and the circumstances are different, but there isn't a whole lot MORE scary stuff going on in the world. The difference is that we know about it. ALL of it.
Within seconds, we know about events taking place on the opposite side of the globe. With social media, live streaming and constant input from every electronic device, we can't help but know what's going on.
I would argue that if any given population in history had this same access to 'news,' they would also be living in fear and questioning things.
I read recently that the human brain was not designed to be able to deal with this much input. That having an almost omnipresent capability is causing damage to our bodies and the mental health of our society. I would probably agree.
This gives me comfort and allows me to see things through my logical sense.
Yes, times are scary. Yes, there is bad stuff going on.
There always has been.
Do I question intentionally bringing more babies into this world? Yes. Do I think it's the best idea? I really don't know. All I know is that God and I have a deal going. I am going to stick with my promise, and He is going to stick with His.
With that being said, I have struggled with telling people or not, but here goes. We go in at the end of the month for a consultation with the IVF Dr.
We are scheduled to participate in the August cycle. If everything works out, we will be doing a transfer in late August or early September.
I am questioning our sanity, but not our commitment. We already love those little lives that hold so much potential and are such a big unknown for us.
I'm honestly terrified. I's not going to be easy.
I honestly think that I have some PTSD around our IVF and infertility experiences. For sure, the thought of the hundreds of shots makes me want to be sick.
I am terrified I won't get pregnant and will be devastated if they don't work. I'm terrified they will all work and I'll end up with more babies. Babies are always a blessing, but I'm not going to pretend they are easy or that it's always fun.
At this point, the plan is to transfer two embryos for this cycle. I am both elated and terrified that we have the potential of having twins.
I'd appreciate your prayers and all the good thoughts you can send our way. While this is a very exciting and happy event for us, as stated above, it's very stressful on SO many levels.
We are putting our trust in God and leaning on His understanding and strength, bur cause we are seriously lacking in both for ourselves right now.
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