Believing outside of the box

When we got our infertility diagnosis, it was a hard blow. Something precious was taken from us. We mourned that loss and then pulled ourselves together and found help. (You can read all about that journey in previous blog posts.) We have been incredibly blessed through the process of IVF with our two boys. We truly believe they are our miracles.

We have given them and the whole process of creating them to God. We have praised Him for their lives. We have not remained silent about the miracle of our family. 

I didn’t realize it until recently, but Even though I claimed belief and faith and I said, “I believe God can do anything.” I put him into the neat little box of our diagnosis. I prayed for our babies and our family. I prayed for him to touch our lives and to perform miracles, but it was always within my realm of reality. My reality was a diagnosis of infertility. I was happy and content to have God work within that box. 

After I was resigned to what ‘they’ told me was my life, I settled into it. I became a virtual expert in my diagnosis. If anyone had a question, I had an answer. My identity was who I had become because of my infertility journey. It touched every aspect of my life. I bloomed where I was planted, and I grew roots. 

I would never say I loved our diagnosis, but it gave me a purpose. It gave me a platform. It fit my personality. I’m a planner, a list maker and a person who thrives on order. I need things to happen in a logical and orderly manner. IVF, Although not without its pitfalls, was exactly that. Having our three embryos on stand-by was a comfort and you can believe, I had a plan. I knew exactly when we would use each one of them. I planned my future children -my future life- beautifully. 

At my six week appointment after I had F, I was asked what form of birth control I wanted to use. I actually laughed at my Dr. “I don’t want any. We are diagnosed as infertile. If we did get pregnant, I guess it would be a miracle and we would be thankful for it.” Believe it or not, I was almost indignant that she would suggest I could conceive naturally. Didn’t she realize what we had gone through for the last 4 years? She is an IVF mama too -how could she suggest this? 

The idea of somehow conceiving naturally scared me and I didn’t want it. In my mind it would invalidate all the money we had spent and the time and heartache, etc. of IVF. I felt that if this were to happen, it would somehow cheapen what had come before. 

If someone told me that their cousin’s friend’s brother’s wife had a natural baby after IVF, I almost rolled my eyes. That’s nice. It’s not for us. Don’t you understand our diagnosis? We were told that even surgery would not improve our chances. I can make babies, no problem. The factory is open, and ready for business, but the raw materials are a bit lacking. On a scale of 1-5, 5 being completely infertile in every way, and 1 being a fertility god, we are at a 4. We sat in front of the Dr we love and trust and were told that IVF was our only answer. This was the good news! Previous Dr's had told us there WAS no hope. 

God! He is such a good God! Our ways are not His ways. Our thoughts are not His thoughts. 

Last week we found out - QUITE unexpectedly - that I am PREGNANT!  

We were (still are) in complete shock. This is not just a medical improbability, it is an impossibility. This was not a part of the plan. It was bad timing. I had so many reasons rolling through my head as to why the dark pink double line in front  of me shouldn’t be correct. We bought more tests, believing in the almost impossible chance that it was a false positive. (because, can the $1 Dollar Tree test really be accurate?) We were proven wrong. After three tests (yes, I am still tempted to test again every day because I still don’t believe it) it’s hard to deny that I’m having a baby. (Of course, the symptoms I was denying, blaming them on our 8 month old and his poor sleeping habits, etc. are there, and getting harder to ignore.)

God worked outside the box. SO far outside the box. 

He said, you have trusted me when it fit neatly into your plan, and I have blessed you. You trusted me with your health, and done your job. Good for you. Do you trust me, even when it makes no sense? Can you trust me to do something far more than you have dreamt? 

God doesn’t fit into a box. He is outside time and dimension. 

I'm blown away. Despite having experienced this miracle, I’m terrified. I’m basking in the wonder of what God has done for us, and terrified that my body won’t know what to do on its own. 

This is my third pregnancy, and yet I feel completely at a loss. I didn’t plan for this. My babies will be SO close in age (about 16 months apart) and I’m already tired and overwhelmed with two babies. What was God thinking? 

My box has been destroyed and although I’m thankful for the amazing, life changing experience of it, it’s uncomfortable. It’s going to take a lot of getting used to. I doubt myself and my abilities to function and thrive outside of my box. My plan was set up for optimal happiness and convenience for us. 

That plan has had to be incredibly altered. It’s overwhelming. While we are thankful for this baby, we are still going to use the three snowflake babies God has given us. Our plan to use them has been delayed by about two years. To top it off, we now have to worry about the possibility of another surprise pregnancy thrown into the mix. 

It’s all so wonderful and extraordinary I can’t help but laugh. I’m having to learn to roll with the punches and just enjoy my story as it unfolds. It’s not what I had imagined -not AT ALL- but it’s a good story.  

This last week the boy’s barber posted this on his business page. It was like he had posted it just for me:

“My prayer for you today is that you see the possibilities ahead of you instead of the impossibilities. Matthew 19:26 declares, "With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible." I am praying that God would show you that it's time to dream again - and that with Him, all things are possible.”