Crazy little thing called life

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus ~Philippians 4:6-7

Since my last post (just yesterday afternoon) I have worked myself into a state of extreme worry. I am physically sick because of the anxiety running through me. All my life I have read books, and talked with people, parents, friends, etc. that tell me worry is a sin. Worrying essentially means that you are not laying your cares at the feet of Jesus, and that you don't think he is big enough to handle what you are worrying about.

I don't actually think that at all, so why do I continue to worry, and beat myself up over things that do not need worrying about? I have seen the hand of God at work in so many ways through our infertility, and throughout my entire life for that matter. I have been witness to what can only be described as miracles. I truly believe that there is nothing that can remove me from the love of God, or separate me from him. I know, based on the promises of scripture, that He will never leave me of forsake me. He knows the deepest desires of my heart, and what he has for my future. Why then am I not more willing to give my worries to Him?

The only thing I can think is that if I give them to Him, it will be out of my control. Although we have prayed about it, and we do feel very good about what we are doing, what if we are forcing this? What if we are playing God? What if he has a completely different plan for our lives, and this is His way of getting us to follow the path He has laid out for us? Could I actually give up this dream? I'm not sure I could. All my life I have heard of Abraham and Sarah. They longed for a lifetime for a child. Three years is nothing in comparison to the decades of grief and shame that Sarah carried with her. Going through my current situation, I hear that story with open ears. I can empathize with that couple, and understand the scope of their emotions. I literally shed tears when I think of how they must have felt when she finally held Issac. Then, in an unexpected twist of events, Abraham was asked to SACRIFICE his son. He was not asked to lay down his burden of worry, or to give his Son's life over to the care of God. No, he was asked to literally sacrifice him on an altar. He was asked to spill the blood of his lifelong dream, his most loved "possession", the thing that made him want to get up in the morning. He did it ... or, was willing to. Abraham's willingness to trust God, and God's plan for his life not only saved the life of his child, but cemented the promise that he would be the father of nations. I'm not imagining him completely at peace with the situation. I would think that he was probably shaking, and crying, and maybe even got sick a few times because of what he was going to do. BUT he trusted God. I am in envy of that kind of trust and faith.

I worry that my cycle will not come this month, and that we will have to put off the procedure for another month. This in turn, would cancel the European trip we have scheduled for the end of March. We would also have to start much of the process over, and have to pay for many of the procedures again, which we would make happen, but really can't afford to do. More simply, this would be yet another setback in this process. While, I feel that in general, I have given the grief of the past 3 years to God, I still remember all the setbacks, and the blows my heart has taken. Mentally, I know that I am not prepared for another one. Part of me wants to be angry with God over this. JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN! I know you can! I KNOW YOU CAN! I'm not asking for much, just that my body do what it is designed to do. The other part of me knows that this is not fair. God is in control, and in His infinite wisdom, he is doing what he knows will ultimately be the best for me. I have often heard that God has three answers to prayers: Yes, No, and Later. We get angry and depressed, etc. because we earnestly pray over a situation, and we agonize over it, and we don't think that God answered our prayers for that situation. But, He did. He might not have made the outcome be everything that you had been hoping for, but he did answer the prayer. Had God answered every earnest, heartfelt prayer I have prayed, in the way I thought it should have been answered, my life, and the lives of many others, would be entirely different. I would not have even met Cameron, be living where I do, or have the friends I have.

Another deep worry I have is over the embryos themselves. If this procedure happens, and we do the IVF cycle, they will make more embryos than what we will actually use to get pregnant. No, there won't be 30 of them, but there will probably be about 5 that we have to decide what to do with. We will cryogenically freeze them for a couple of weeks, just in case the first round of IVF does not work. Ultimately, there will be "leftovers" even after a hypothetical second round. I desperately want to do the right thing with these little lives. They are life. They are my children, just as much as the ones that will, hopefully, be growing in me. Do I pay the monthly storage fee, and keep them frozen for a couple of years, just in case we decide to try for a second pregnancy? (They call that a frozen cycle) What then? There will possibly still be some left over. That we could afford a second round of IVF at a later date would be a miracle, but a potential third... that's pretty much a pipe dream. From what I understand, there are three options. We can dispose of them, which I am completely opposed to. We can keep paying for the storage fee until they "expire" and are no longer viable. I hate that option as well, because isn't that just the prolonged (and expensive) version of the first option?

The third option is the lesser of three evils. We could give them up for adoption. There are couples out there who actually adopt embryos because of their own infertility issues. I don't want to sound like Scrooge here, but who gets the money for this? Would we pay for the procedure, the storage, and maintenance of these embryos just to give them away and have some Dr.'s office or agency make a bundle off of us, just because we are out of options? Also, I find it very hard, at this point, to think of another couple raising our baby. It's different than just an egg donation, or a sperm donation, this is our complete DNA, this is US. This life, although very tiny, is wanted. It is already loved by us and it is not even created. While, the blessing to the other family is not lost on me, the oddity of having our biological children out there with people we don't know terrifies me. I can't decide who gets to take my babies home. I don't know if they will be well cared for or loved. It feels like there is no good answer to our situation. I have been told not to worry about what others think of the situation. That I just need to make the decision that I am ok with, and stick with it. It is no concern of any one else. I am trying to take that advice, but it is so hard, when I am not at all sure what my decision needs to be.

AS I said, I have worked myself into a "pit of despair," and I am having difficulty seeing out of it. While, this should be one of the most exciting experiences of my life, all I seem to be able to do is worry. My need to control the situation is literally driving me mad. I put a very brief, vague prayer request on my facebook page last night, asking for help in giving up my worry over an "upcoming situation." (Facebook world does not know what I am going through, and actually, only a hand full of people even know this blog exists)

When I woke up, Philippians 4:6-7 was posted on my page, as well as many other verses and words of encouragement. This led me to some research, looking for further confirmation, or encouragement, from scripture, and other sources. While, I don't usually post this many pictures, and no, it is not good design, These were the most encouraging bits I found, and I feel it only appropriate to share them.