Crazy little thing called life

And they lived happily (aside from a few normal disagreements, misunderstandings, pouts, silent treatments, and unexpected calamities) ever after
~ Jean Ferris, Twice Upon a Marigold

I had yet another appointment today. My first vaginal ultrasound was brutal, and I wanted to die of humiliation. However, after everything I have gone through, this one was a breeze. They took blood from the same bruised place, because that is the only spot they have been able to find a vein the past three appointments. (quite a battle scar there now) During the ultrasound, I was even able to speak and joke with the Dr. They said I have "Beautiful Follicles," and that they were very healthy and big. (they are also painful. Normal ovaries are the size of almonds, but mine are now the size of tomatoes) If you want to know the actual stats, they measured 22 follicles, and the lead one was 24.28mm. My endo. thickness was 13.64 (I am not actually sure what that means. I think it is the lining of my uterus) I left the appointment with, "you have some of the healthiest ovaries I have seen in a long time," and "Check the portal (patient communication website) at three o'clock, for your next instructions." They also gave me another vial of the medication I am on (I used my last one this morning) just in case we had to wait a few more days. {below is my sharps container that is getting quite full}

Telling a person going through IVF to "Wait for further instructions," with the possibility of delays is like telling a child on Christmas morning that they can only look at the gifts under the tree. AAUGH!! I would have wished those hours away if I could have. I took Alicia, (my cousin, who went to the appointment with me), to breakfast, and then came home. Luckily (unluckily..?) I am still very much under the weather from all the crud I have been fighting, and the sinus infection was getting the better of me. With nothing else to do (ok, I could have cleaned the house, but .. meh)I laid down for a short nap. That nap lasted most of the day. Since, it is my birthday, I did get several calls, texts, facebook posts, etc. to amuse me during my intermittent awake times. I kept checking back every time I was awake, just in case they posted early, but hours went by and and there was no news. Finally, around 2:30, I checked, and I actually screamed out loud. On the main screen was my next appointment, and it was asking me to confirm that I would be there. "Egg Retrieval, arrive at 10:30am, Wednesday Feb. 26th"

So far, although, we have had a relatively smooth cycle, things just have seemed to want to go wrong for us. I had calculated that we would have the procedure on Wednesday, and had told some people, but I was not sure that it would really happen. When I saw it in writing, I had the feeling that everything was going to be OK. Things were going to work out just they way we are wanting. Yes, I know that there can still be hiccups, and that we are not safe yet (I don't think I will feel that way until I actually have my babies in my arms) but, I am more at peace. (maybe because I get a break from shots for a couple of days)

To tell you just how elated I am feeling right now is so difficult. I am humbled, and happy, and afraid, and hopeful, and hundreds of other emotions all wrapped up together. I am sure that most mothers, upon finding out they are pregnant have similar feelings. But, to be in this position of infertility, and to have hope within your grasp, after so much waiting, and heartache, it's unexplainable. I spoke with a very sweet person last night who approached me about what I was going through. While, this is the only place that I put all the feelings down, and my struggle is not "facebook official," I do talk with people about it in person, and I don't hide some of my Pinterest pins which have to do with infertility. This wonderful woman, whom I actually don't know that well, but whose family is close with mine, asked if there was something specific that she could pray for. She knew exactly what I was going through, even though we had not spoken. She is in a similar situation, and she said she "thinks about having a baby every single day" My heart broke for her, because, I know exactly how much that hurts. It is a physical, emotional, psychological pain, that you can try to understand, but until you are in the depths of it, you will never fathom. Even my own husband can not quite understand my emotions on the subject, as much as he tries. To tell you that I went from that hurt place, to where I am today, just know, it is WONDERFUL.

I have been accused of living in a fairy tale. I guess, if this were a PIXAR movie, there would be some kind of musical number about now, and a picture montage of a quick pregnancy, and then the next scene would be me holding both of my beautiful babies, smiling up at Cameron, and life would be grand. While, I do yearn for that kind of perfection, I obviously know that all the fairy tales I adored as a child are fiction. However, I do have an issue with people who tell me that "Happily ever after" is only in the stories. The movies and books I read while yes, they end on a high note, are full of challenges, and issues that must be faced and overcome. If, by some miracle, I end up with happily ever after when this is all finished, I will take it. It will be MY happily ever after. There will still be times of sorrow, and there will be challenges along the way, but I choose to live in a world where people can look past their present hurts, and reach for a better goal. If there were no happily ever after to work towards, what is the point. (Ok, heaven, etc. eternal reward, I completely agree, and that is relevant, but that's for another post. I am talking about life on earth, and human happiness, which I know God does not begrudge us)