I am choosing to lay all of those fears, both legitimate, and imagined at the feet of my Savior

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
~Romans 8:28 (NIV)

November 17th, 2016

I woke up this morning needing to pray and sort out my emotions on this whole thing. Yesterday was our first appointment, and I had my first round of blood work done. Things got real, to say the least. This is something I have prepared for. I have prayed about it and shed many tears over it. I am ready for it.

But, I am not.

I woke up, almost feeling like a selfish person for wanting to create this life. Then, it hit me: This is a LIFE. I am not just bringing in a new squishy baby, or simply a sibling for my son. This is a life (maybe two) and I should be scared. The responsibility is incredible. Yes, this little person will be loved, and no, we aren't creating it for our own entertainment, but somehow in all this, despite my firm feelings of love for this person not yet on this earth, I hadn't really viewed it as a life.

I have been imagining and preparing for how our house would need changes for a new baby. I have been thinking about how Henry would love a sibling, and I have been dreading another difficult birth, but all of this is about me, my feelings, or other's feelings. The importance of what we are doing really hit me this morning.

Yes, we have done this before, and I'm sure I had the same realization at some point with my first round, but I don't remember it weighing on me like it does this time. Last time, we went in with no expectations and things got started so quickly (At this point in the process last time, I would already be in the car on the way to my first ultrasound and orr test.) Last time, there was no waiting and wondering or really, much time to think at all. Decisions were made as they were presented to us, and we had really no information or research on the issues to make informed decisions. In a way, the unknown was easier to manage than the now familiar process.

One of the temptations I am facing is comparing this cycle to my last one. That is dangerous. Every cycle is incredibly different. Eery cycle produces so many variables that even the Dr. doesn't have a clue how it will turn out. My expectations are high for this round, because our last one went so smoothly. (In retrospect it didn't feel like it as it was happening) Expectations and comparisons are dangerous in so many areas of life, not just with IVF.

We discussed this in our church small group Sunday night. We talked about being grateful for what we have, because so many people have so much less. I know that many times this is how we view our lives, comparing ourselves on a sliding scale to others and saying, "Well, I don't have it that bad." I didn't think it was wrong to think that way, and really, it isn't. We should be grateful for what we have.

Maybe though, instead of viewing our level of gratefulness in light of someone else's circumstances, we need to thank God for where we are right now in our own lives, compared to no one else. Living a life with a grateful heart and without a grumbling spirit to me, takes the comparison factor completely out of the equation. I am not happy or fulfilled in direct proportion to someone else's level of happiness. I can't look at my neighbor who drives a beat up old truck and say, well, that makes me thankful for my 14 year old yukon - it's old, but it still looks great.

Sometimes, yes, other's situations remind us to be grateful for what we have, but we can not depend on the comparison for our daily dose of gratefulness. I am working to be grateful for who I am in Christ every day, for no other reason than the Cross. In light of Christ's sacrifice for me, and my privilege to be His child, nothing else matters, and I am thankful and grateful for my life because of my life.

Yes, the temptation is great to complain about having to do IVF again. Right now, I could have a long list of complaints, purely based on another person's success at getting pregnant 'the old fashioned way.' My sister recently announced her 4th pregnancy. Yeah, for an instant, I was tempted to be jealous. I admit, there have been many fights between my sister and myself, which resulted in heartache and separation, all stemming from my jealousy of her ability to get pregnant. We spent a couple of years as strangers and had virtually no relationship because of hurt feelings and feelings of guilt on both sides. Looking back, that is one of my biggest regrets. I wish I had known then what I know now.

When she announced this pregnancy, I simply moved past the hurt of another pregnancy and chose to simply be happy for my sister because of no other reason than I love her and all of her beautiful children. Ranking our happiness or gratefulness on a scale with others also means that when others get more than you, or are seemingly happier than you, your own happiness, dependent on the comparison of theirs, decreases. I know, like I said, I have been there. My sister and I were able to have a quiet moment together after she announced, and I was heart broken when she told me her first thought was of me when she knew she was pregnant. She cried and regretted her pregnancy in the light of me not being able to get pregnant. She didn't want to tell me, not because she didn't want to share with me, but because she didn't want to hurt me.

I get it. Based on my reactions in the past, and our previous relationship, I can understand her hesitation. I am also blessed that she loves me enough that she hurt for me even in her joy. However, I am incredibly sad that I have lived in the past in a way that would take some of the happiness and excitement out of someone else's situation because of fear of how I would react. Think about it.

I think this theory, this way of thinking about my life is part of what has me questioning this IVF cycle. Despite really wanting another baby, I AM happy. I am not dependent on this new child to make me happy or to complete myself. It took me a few minutes to think through the emotions and the mom brain fog I seem to always have, but I finally figured it out.

I have to approach this IVF cycle with fresh expectations and anticipating a new life for the sake of the new life, not as a quantifier to any happiness or relationships that already exist. I love this new baby for who it is and will be, not for what it can bring to my life. This takes a lot of the fear out of the situation for me, from a parenting perspective. There is still plenty of fear of the unknown, the procedure its self and the chance of failure. I am choosing to lay all of those fears, both legitimate, and imagined at the feet of my Savior and try to simply believe that "All things work together for the good of those who are called according to His purpose."

January, Here we come!!

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”
~Lamentations 3:22-24

November 16th, 2016

Today, we had our initial consultation for our IVF session. Wow. Even though we didn't really learn anything new, it is so good to finally have hat over with and have a bit of a schedule to go by. I showed up with my notebook and list of questions, and I didn't really need them. I love our Dr. He is matter-of-fact and straight forward. Despite the giant list of labs he ordered for us, he said that there were a lot of tests, (genetic, etc) that are already in the system and that we won't be repeating. I'm all about no paying for tests again, so thats great.

Our lab orders we were given today are really un fair. Cam had a list of 5 items or so, and I had about 2x that many. I will say, after our first IVF, I had iron veins, and I had almost gotten over my fear of needles. I was shocked to go in to the lab today and have sweaty palms. I began to dread it, but the wait wasn't long. I warned the Phlebotomists (fancy name for the nurse who takes your blood) that I am a hard stick and that I hate needles. She felt around both arms until she found a good vein and got me on the first stick. I did close my eyes for it, but it wasn't all that bad. Some of my tolerance for blood draws must have lingered even after 3 years. This nurse was amazing. My blood was flowing slowly, but she filled all 5 vials of blood from that initial stick. I am actually pretty proud of myself for watching them fill up.

We don't have an exact date yet for our January cycle, but we were told that we would be able to go in January.

A blessing that we were not expecting, is that insurance (not the same one we had before) is covering a lot of the ultrasounds, blood work, etc. the first time around none of that was covered. We will see what happens when our provider gets the bills and processes them. I bet we end up with a letter saying we owe something other than the co-pay. BUT, I am happy for any help we are getting that we were not expecting. As this is an incredibly expensive procedure, and help is welcomed.

God has all of this in His capable hands and it will work out as He sees fit.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
~Jeremiah 1:5 (NIV)

November 16th, 2016

This morning, I find myself pacing the floors, trying to keep my nervousness and excitement in check. I have attempted to clean the kitchen, but am even too distracted to accomplish that task. Earlier, I had a couple of errands to run, including taking the dog to the groomer. It was only after completing some errands and heading to the groomers that I realized I had left the dog at home.

Today is the first of many Dr.'s appointments for our 2nd attempt at IVF. We had thought we were together on the decision to not do it again, but after much discussion, prayer, and looking throughly at our options, we decided to do the procedure. We had a plan in place, which included a Dr.'s visit in January, followed by a possible March cycle. We sat on that decision, praying and talking about it for several weeks. These weeks, I have been working on dropping some extra baby weight I never lost with H, and I have been in the final weeks of weaning him. On a side note, It has now been 3 days since he last nursed, and I am glad to be done, and also really sad that he is one step closer to being a big boy.

Monday of this week, Cam and I talked about the IVF procedure again, and decided it was time to call in and make our appointment. Cam said to, "Make it as soon as possible." Thinking it would be much like the first time, and we would have to wait months for he appointment, I was shocked when we were offered a Wednesday appointment, for that same week. There was a cancelation right before I called, and the time slot was mine if I want it. Of course, I texted Cam, asking if he really meant 'as soon as possible', and then took the appointment. I asked the nurse / scheduling lady about the possibility of doing a January cycle, since we would have plenty of time to do all the testing, etc. required before the procedure. She was confident that, if the Dr. agreed, we would be able to do a January cycle.

JANUARY!!! I could be pregnant as early as the end of January! In my mind, I have been preparing to do a March cycle, and to be pregnant by the end of March. Pushing the timeline up by 2 months means I will be nearly through my first trimester by the time I had originally planned on getting pregnant.

I am blown away. What a fantastic (Yeah, really early) Christmas present.

We have been preparing our hearts, minds and yes, my body, for twins. As hard as it would be to have two babies, we both feel that transferring two embryos is the best decision for our family. We would have transferred two with H, but he was the only embryo we had. All it took was one beautiful, healthy blastocyst to make our perfect little boy. We would be content with one again, but we are preparing ourselves for the possibility of a multiple pregnancy.

Of course, there is that possibility too, that this procedure will not work. I am aware of the statistics and the chances of a positive pregnancy. However, I have a great feeling about all of this. God has all of this in His capable hands and it will work out as He sees fit. If this procedure does not work, I know I will be devastated, but I will move past the grief and give God the glory for the wonderful life we have and the Son he has already blessed us with.

The first time we had this appointment, almost 3 years ago, we went in expecting to pick out a sperm donor from a book. (Not sure if that is actually how it is done, but I've seen it in movies, so it must be accurate) This time, we are feeling much more confident, and like old pros at this IVF thing. We are looking forward to seeing the Dr. we both loved and highly respect, who was able to help us get Henry. We are optimistic and excited about this appointment.

Hopefully we leave the appointment with as much enthusiasm as we have going into it. This is the beginning of a long line of Dr.'s appointments, blood draws, surgeries, ultra sounds, shots and other painful and emotionally, (not to mention financially) draining procedures. We are going into it with our eyes wide open. There might be more anxiety, knowing what to expect, than there was the first time, blindly doing what we were told. This time, I am armed with a notebook full of questions and expect good answers. The fist time, there weren't many questions, because we didn't have a clue what we were getting into.

Adult friendships are hard. Like, REALLY hard.

"...I'm already divided between a husband, two kids, my job, my chores and the 10 minutes I desperately wish I had to unwind. If we could skip the small talk and fall in friendship-at-first-sight, I might have a chance at that Carrie Bradshaw gaggle of besties. Until then, I'll be the one at the movies by myself, hoping an equally lonely 30-something with great shoes plops down beside me."
~Ashley Austrew

Making friends has never been easy for me. Some would blame it on being homeschooled, but I can say with confidence that is not the reason. I am ...unique? I'm the introverted extrovert who puts on the good show for a crowd but tends to hold people at arm's length. I'm just odd. I have a fun, but twisted personality and very few people earn the right to be a part of my inner circle. I'm the quiet one they always say to watch out for. Once I feel comfortable enough around someone to unleash all the wonderfulness I have inside, they might not be able to handle it.

I've had some very close, fantastic friendships over the years and I still treasure those people, but as much as I want to cling to my college friendships or to my high school ones even, they were for a season, and THAT'S OK. Not every friendship, even the really good ones, are meant to last a lifetime. This is a hard-learned lesson for me. Once I do let you onto my world enough to really know me, my expectation is that you remain there forever. Many tears have been shed over the years when those expectations have not been met.

Actually, that expectation has only held up once for me. I met my closest adult friend when I was in third grade. Despite not living near one another since adolescence and only actually seeing one another in person a hand full of times since then, she is my person. She gets me. We are the same kid of weird and twisted. Despite being raised apart, we are eerily similar in many ways. There was a brief time when as adults we only lived an hour apart. This was heaven. I got to know her kids and husband and really fall in love with her family - right before she moved across the country.

My experience of an absentee best friend has warped my ability to have close friendships with people near me. I don't know what it is to have a friend just drop by to see me. I've only met a friend for coffee twice in my adult years and I've never kept a friend's kids. For that matter, Because they live across the state, I've never even kept my own sister's kids. Shoot, with the exception of my absentee friend, I haven't even gone shopping with a friend since college. My expectation of a perfect friendship is the ability to send a text, rather it is good, bad, happy, sad, or simply a picture of how incredibly horrible I look that day, and expect an appropriate, gratifying response and reciprocation. As a person who has known me 99% of my life, I can be as weird as I need to be and know that I won't scare her off. I love our relationship, but I need more. She has supported me through the worst life has thrown at me, and I love her like a sister, but I need physical arms to hug me. I need another mom who has also waded through a discarded diaper and it's contents that day to site with me, have that cup of coffee and just laugh. Is that even real life? Does that exist? Can I expect that from an adult relationship?

Adult friendships are hard. Like, REALLY hard. Now that I am a mom, I find that they are even harder. The only place I see people is at bible study, and while it is nice, and I enjoy the ladies, they don't know me and I really don't know them. I feel like asking one of them to a coffee date would be much like a high school boy asking a girl who is way out of his league to prom. I have no experience in this area. Besides, in order to have a conversation over my favorite beverage, and actually really enjoy it, both of us would have to find someone to watch our kids -and that's just too much work. A park date could work, but the few times I've tried to meet moms at the park have turned into them enjoying one another and me, and my anxiety, trailing my son making sure he doesn't kill himself on the crazy equipment. (Or run into the street chasing the tractor that is mowing the green space - yes, he has tried to do that) I guess I could try the unthinkable and have someone into my home, but I can't guarantee how clean it will be, or that there won't be a dog poop on the playroom floor. I feel like having a first mom date at my house would be like going to 2nd base with a stranger. *No thank you* Going to their house is even more out of the question. I would hate to end our date forking over cash for the family heirloom my son managed to break.

Besides, I mean, how do you DO it? What does it look like? Do you have one 'date', decide it's not a relationship you are willing to pursue, and not call them back? *AWKWARD* Do you move through your circle of moms, speed dating until you find your person, leaving behind you a trail of moms thinking you are completely and utterly weird? Do you forgo that idea of your mommy BFF, and settle for anything that has a pony tail and can drink coffee?

All of this has been going through my mind today. As I sat pondering it, I began to question why I feel such a need for affirmation and love from a source I can't even define. Do I need companionship that understands the phase of life I am in right now? Do I need someone I can be weird and childish with? Am I just looking for a person who can help me justify making that second pot of coffee (because I drank the first pot before noon - by myself) Am I looking for a built-in friend for my son? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe there is a bit of truth in all of those reasons. No matter the reason, I came to the conclusion that no human can satisfy me in the soul satisfying way I need. Only my Heavenly Father can be everything I need. I don't know when, or even if, I will even find someone I can truly be MBF (Mom Best Friends) with, and I'm ok with that.

Just like other areas of my life, being ok with it doesn't mean I won't occasionally regret it or have days where I wished it weren't that way, but I am overall ok with God's plan and timing. He has a purpose for my life and my relationships, and it is bigger than I can even imagine. Worrying and obsessing over it won't change anything. I was reminded today how thankful I am for my one dear friend who loves me and how lucky I am to have her in my life.

God bottles up the prayers of his saints to be distributed when they are needed

"To be a Christian without prayer is no more possible than to be alive without breathing."
~Martin Luther

Our pastor has been doing a sermon series on prayer. He covered why we need to pray and how to pray. He started an initiative for being ONE at ONE as a church. We pause at 1pm, pray the Lord's Prayer and then pray about anything else we need to for a minute. This is simple, yet effective. There is a great sense of camaraderie and unity in knowing we are all praying at once. Last week, as the series finale, the church was invited to share about answered prayers. It was amazing to hear so many stories of God working in the lives of our congregation.

As I sat there listening, I felt impressed to share my story of answered prayer. I knew I needed to share, but I was incredibly nervous. I can speak in front of people, I've done it all my life, but speaking of something so personal always makes me cry. I couldn't cry in front of everyone - how embarrassing. As an added challenge to sharing, we were asked to keep it under 2 minutes. Trying to fit my testimony into two minutes and to keep it on the subject of answered prayer and not get off topic seemed nearly impossible.

As I sat, wringing my hands and waiting for my turn at the mike, I tried to think of what I would say but my mind went blank. The person before me was nearing the end of their time and I was tempted to panic. Instead, I whispered a quick prayer for the right words and stepped up to the mike. That I was even able to form an intelligent sentence was in itself answered prayer. Here is what I shared, or something like it:

"I come from a praying family. I have always been told that God bottles up the prayers of his saints to be distributed when they are needed. I am incredibly thankful for those prayers. I was going through a rough patch. When we were married a year, my husband had a terrible car accident. To this day he suffers from his injuries. This resulted in enormous strains, physically, emotionally and financially. Add to this, a diagnosis of infertility, and It felt like my life was spiraling out of control. At the risk of sounding like a spoiled child, my life was nothing like I had ever imagined it. I felt trapped. I was depressed and at the end of any rope I might have had.

One day I sat, just holding a bible that was given to me by my great-grandfather. I didn't know where to open it to, I just held it. I opened it to the front cover and read the note he had written to me. It told of how proud he was of me and reminded me that he had prayed for me every day of my life, something he had told me many times through the years. I remember breaking down and sobbing. I don't think I ever did open the bible to read it that day. I called my mom to tell her about that note and how grateful I was for it. I needed prayers and love more than I could say, and I really believe that those daily prayers prayed by a faithful man of God were poured out on me even when I didn't have the faith myself to carry me through or to even pray.

Nothing drastic changed immediately, we looked into adoption and foster care and found out that, at least for the time, those options were not for us. We wanted to pursue fertility treatments, but could not afford them. We continued with life as best we could. Fast forward quite a while, and we received a settlement from the wreck. That money was enough to pay off our medical debts, get IVF, make a nursery and go on a much-needed vacation. Praise God, our IVF worked, and on the first try. Our little boy is almost two.

Through the process there were many answered prayers, and I did learn to pray myself, but I truly believe that it was the prayers of faithful grandparents, parents and other loving family and friends that got us through."

It felt wonderful to share my story, in person, and to see people's reactions and feel encouraged. Sharing on my blog is great, and I have been told that I have helped many people and I know God can use written words, but to stuff down the fear and to share what God has done with a group of your peers and fellow believers is completely different. Online I have a certain anonymity and I get to carefully choose my words and craft sentences to fully convey my meaning. In person, I just have to be real. I have to trust that the words coming from my lips are correct and true. In person, emotion is conveyed that gets lost in print.

After walking back to my seat, I felt more a part of the church body. I shared a piece of my heart with them, and they didn't throw it back at me. They rejoiced with me and I even saw some tears in the congregation. Being a part of a church body is about so much more than just attending service once a week. Church is family. Church is a body of people united in a common purpose and in prayer for one another. I am so grateful to be a part of such a church.

We have to really make our health a priority

Health & fitness is something I really aspire to, but sometimes I really want that cheeseburger... or a nap. A group of friends I have begun to get involved with encouraged me to get a membership at the local YMCA. They all love the classes and the childcare that comes as a membership benefit. Almost reluctantly, I joined. I only took advantage of the cardio rooms for a couple of weeks until some of those moms urged me to join them in the classes. Talk about being outside of my comfort zone! Despite how nice and wonderful the instructor was, and how much I tried not to compare myself to the ladies in the class, I felt like a fish on land. Keeping up was brutal and I struggled to breathe. Despite my desire to walk out and never go back, I have actually made it a couple of other times. (YEAH me!!) I have even started to attend an Aqua Bootcamp once a week. It kicks my booty, but I really like the class.

My husband and I are both making serious strides to improve our health. We have been making (slow) progress for about a year now, but we know we have to really make our health a priority. We have tried to eat much healthier (and cleaner) foods, and have eliminated a lot of gluten from our diets. We have also made huge efforts to rid our home of many dangerous chemicals and toxins. While we are loving the results, we aren't just doing this for the sake of doing it. Nutrition (and over all health) plays a large role in reproduction and we are trying to give ourselves the best chances possible of conceiving. We know, we have been told we can't do it 'naturally' but, I'm not one to give up.

Here are some of the ways we are helping ourselves that you might want to also implement.

1. BOUNTIFUL BASKETS
I LOVE this co-op! You can order up to three of the conventional baskets at a time, and there are always fantastic add-ons, like sourdough bread, cases of blueberries, kits for making pie, etc. There is the option for purchasing a 100% organic basket, and instead of the $15 charge for the base basket, you pay I think an extra $10. All the products are significantly cheaper than purchasing the same product at the grocery store. Right now they are working to Bring Bountiful Local. Optimizing their routes and using local produce vendors, so they have temporarily halted the program while they improve it. I can't wait to get my next basket.

2. MY LOCAL FARMER'S MARKET
After I get my Bountiful Baskets on Saturday, I love to go to the local farmer's market for anything else I might need. Not only do I get a chance to fill my fridge with yummy, locally grown food, but I get to support local farmers and artisans. Even if I don't end up purchasing much, a trip to the market is always a fun experience. There are local crafters and artisans and the live music is usually pretty good.
I did try growing a container garden a few years ago, but after nursing 175 plants from seeds, I ended up harvesting a couple handfuls of veg and decided it wasn't worth my time. Some day I will live where I can have a nice, big garden.

3. MY FITBIT
It seems silly, but that little tracker really keeps me on my toes (literally.) I am usually in a competition with at least my mom and sister, and it keeps me accountable for my activity level. A couple of times I have been challenged by some dedicated runners who are in training, and I am proud to simply be in the top 3 or 4 of that group - winning isn't even an option. I usually average 13k steps a day when not in a challenge, but I set my goal at 9k. I know this is reverse psychology, but it works. I get a little encouragement and reward from my tracker as it buzzes on my arm, saying, "You can do it, you are almost there!" I am just a *little* competitive and I have gone on more walks / runs simply to get steps than I ever did before using the tracker.
Also, I had used a separate program for tracking my calories, weight, etc. but have recently switched to only using my FitBit app. I have a 16GB phone, and I never have enough storage on it - too many pictures of the kiddo - so it was nice to streamline my health apps.

4. WATER
Another feature I love about my FitBit tracker is that I can track my water intake. I try to get about 70oz. per day. Sometimes I do it, some days I don't. I should probably get more than that, according to the link above. (And I'm a nursing mama.) When I am drinking all the water I need, I don't have the cravings I would have without the water. My muscles feel better and I actually have more energy.

5.OUTSIDE
Despite the HOT HOT HOT summer we have had, my son and I have spent a lot of time outside. We are usually at the park, a friend's pool, or the local public pool. My son is a water baby and begs to go swimming. Not only is this good for my muscles and skin (I love that I am tan for the first time in years!) But we are getting our vitamin D in the most natural way possible. My mom's Dr. told her that getting outside for only 20 minutes per day without sun block (which we don't use as a rule) is fantastic for your health.

6. SUPPLEMENTS
We are currently taking a magnesium supplement morning and night, as well as our Young Living supplements. We have found that we love the supplements listed below. We sometimes switch them out for other options, and admittedly, sometimes we forget to take them, but when we are diligent to take our supplements on the schedule we have created for ourselves, we feel much better. Several of these are specifically for the gut. In all my research, I have found that the gut is incredibly important factor in our over all health.
Life 5 Probiotic
Essentialzyme
Essentialzymes-4
Digest + Cleanse
Balance Complete
NingXia Red & NingXia Nitro

What have you found helps you in your health goals? Feel free to share below!

Walking through a medical emergency or a lingering health condition wasn't what I signed up for.

"A marriage isn't defined as good when it simply lacks problems or when arguments are non-existent and issues are scarce...
A good marriage is to be seen as two people with the settled conviction that they will work through all and every issue in the healthiest way possible.
Reality is, two sinners WILL have issues but they CAN work through them, IF they are simply willing."
~Jackie Hill Perry

I have been doing some research on infertility and specifically on dealing with your partner's infertility. There are many great resources out there. I was actually shocked at how much there is if you know where to look. In my research, I came across several message boards and discussion groups dealing with the issue. After several hours of reading on the topic from many sources, I feel completely emotionally drained and morally disgusted. The number of people who would support a couple divorcing over the issue of infertility is shocking.

When I took my marriage vows, I naively promised to honor and cherish my husband for better or for worse, through sickness and health. I vowed to cling only unto him until death do us part. Neither one of us pictured our lives as anything other than 'normal.' As young, healthy people, we didn't plan for a major health crisis. I think we honestly pictured making chicken soup, snuggling under the covers and laughing at red, runny noses. At worst, we may have thought of nursing each other through a bad flu. (If we even gave it thought at all)

Walking through a medical emergency or a lingering health condition wasn't what I signed up for.

In our almost six years of marriage, we have gone through an incredible list of challenges. Two car crashes, both involving hospitalization, one involving multiple procedures, surgeries, and lingering complications. We have dealt with a whole list of marital issues, and even separated for a short while because of them. Not long after feeling like we were in a good place in our marriage, we went to the Dr. for help getting pregnant (after a couple of years of trying on our own). After many moths of testing and waiting, an infertility diagnosis wasn't what we were wanting.

After everything we had gone through, we should at least be able to make a baby. We deserved it. It seemed everyone we knew kept popping out babies left and right. Maybe we weren't doing it right. We tried everything. Positions, timing, diets, prayer, etc. Nothing worked. To add to the diagnosis, after further testing, we found out that it was male factor infertility. We were told that we should not only abandon our attempts at getting pregnant, but that we should immediately get on birth control. In the unlikely event that we were to conceive, we could end up with an unhealthy or disfigured baby. At worst, I would get pregnant, but it wouldn't be viable and would result in miscarriage. (Turns out, I have probably been pregnant many times but miscarried before I even knew) at best, we could end up taking care of a damaged child for the rest of our lives.

What a disheartening thing to hear. Not only can we not have kids, but we had just been told that we SHOULDN'T. Where do you go with that? How do you process it? A diagnosis is supposed to give you hope. Finally having a name for the invisible foe you have been battling is supposed to give you strength and a plan of attack, not bring you to a grinding halt and dash all hopes. Where was the hope? Where was our silver lining?

We both dealt with this news in our own way. I sunk into spiraling depression. I felt pulled deeper into it every single month I got my 'gift'. (Who ever thought to call it that?!) There was no hope. I even began to doubt God. If he really loved me, he would give me the desires of my heart. I had suffered enough, it was time for him to make a miracle happen. He didn't. (Not when I wanted it, or how I pictured it anyway.)

Through it all, despite the hurt and the anguish, I never wanted to divorce Cameron. Life wasn't turning out how I had pictured, but it was our life. I'm not saying I was a saint. We both had our moments of weakness. We fought and we yelled and we cried. I entertained those 'what if' thoughts, wondering how my life would have turned out had I married someone else, but I never once wanted to leave my husband.

Yes, being a mom has always been my lifelong dream. Even as a kid, I knew that if I were a mom, I could be happy with my life. I had other goals and aspirations, but always, those were second to motherhood. If I couldn't have that, my life as I had always envisioned would crumble. The foundation of who I thought I was would shift. How could I possibly handle it? Could I deal with a hurt this big?

I could, and I did. The thing is, I married my husband because I loved him. Yes, I dreamed of the future we could have together, but I was not promised anything when we got married other than him. I was not guaranteed a nice house, expensive shoes or vacations. I was simply guaranteed a life with this man, however long I was blessed to have him. That's it, nothing more.

Had I simply approached our union as a legally binding and confusing sperm donor program, yes, I would have divorced him. Who wouldn't? He couldn't fulfill his part of the contract.

HOWEVER, despite the fact that it is extremely difficult to implement, as christian wives, we are called to love our spouse even more than we love our children, and I really think that even means those hoped-for children I had dreamed of. Yes, you read that correctly. We should actually put the needs of our marriage and our spouse above that of our children.

I see my husband as much more than a sperm donor. When I married him, the two of us became one flesh. He is not infertile, WE are. WE are in a 50/50 partnership in this, shouldering the pain together. We are so blessed to be able to raise our son together and we couldn't imagine our lives without him. Had our IVF cycle not been successful, we would have been devestated. We would have probably had counseling and yes, there would have been struggles. We would have made the next step and faced the tough decisions TOGETHER.

We were one of the fortunate couples that had success with IVF. We had no guarantees going into it. The odds were against us. At the end of our cycle we only had one embryo. All our hopes were resting on this one baby that only had a 30% chance of implanting and completing our family. Because of this, we cemented in our minds that no matter what, we would be together. We loved each other and wanted a life together. No, it wouldn't look like we had pictured in our minds. Life is crazy, and it is hard to figure out, but we would figure it out together. Not raising our biological child was a real possibility for us, and it was scary and unknown, but we could do it... TOGETHER.

I can see others reading this and saying, "Yeah, but you got your baby. You aren't infertile any more. You are living your dream. What about me? You don't understand how bad it hurts to not get that baby. You can write about the 'high road' you *would* have taken had your IVF not worked, but you will never know how you would have actually handled it." I understand your feelings, and I mourn with you that you are not able to have children. However, I still struggle daily with our infertility. My son is 20 months old, and I long for him to have a sibling.

I see my friends and family produce multiple babies and I have to fight jealousy. I endure innocent remarks, asking when we are going to have another. I still want to run out and buy pregnancy tests when I'm a day late. (ok, maybe I have actually done it more than once.) I still want to snuggle all the new babies and my heart breaks with each pregnancy announcement I see or hear. This pain doesn't cheapen my love for my son, but there will always be an ache and a small part of my heart that yearns for something that only a miracle from God can provide.