Adult friendships are hard. Like, REALLY hard.

"...I'm already divided between a husband, two kids, my job, my chores and the 10 minutes I desperately wish I had to unwind. If we could skip the small talk and fall in friendship-at-first-sight, I might have a chance at that Carrie Bradshaw gaggle of besties. Until then, I'll be the one at the movies by myself, hoping an equally lonely 30-something with great shoes plops down beside me."
~Ashley Austrew

Making friends has never been easy for me. Some would blame it on being homeschooled, but I can say with confidence that is not the reason. I am ...unique? I'm the introverted extrovert who puts on the good show for a crowd but tends to hold people at arm's length. I'm just odd. I have a fun, but twisted personality and very few people earn the right to be a part of my inner circle. I'm the quiet one they always say to watch out for. Once I feel comfortable enough around someone to unleash all the wonderfulness I have inside, they might not be able to handle it.

I've had some very close, fantastic friendships over the years and I still treasure those people, but as much as I want to cling to my college friendships or to my high school ones even, they were for a season, and THAT'S OK. Not every friendship, even the really good ones, are meant to last a lifetime. This is a hard-learned lesson for me. Once I do let you onto my world enough to really know me, my expectation is that you remain there forever. Many tears have been shed over the years when those expectations have not been met.

Actually, that expectation has only held up once for me. I met my closest adult friend when I was in third grade. Despite not living near one another since adolescence and only actually seeing one another in person a hand full of times since then, she is my person. She gets me. We are the same kid of weird and twisted. Despite being raised apart, we are eerily similar in many ways. There was a brief time when as adults we only lived an hour apart. This was heaven. I got to know her kids and husband and really fall in love with her family - right before she moved across the country.

My experience of an absentee best friend has warped my ability to have close friendships with people near me. I don't know what it is to have a friend just drop by to see me. I've only met a friend for coffee twice in my adult years and I've never kept a friend's kids. For that matter, Because they live across the state, I've never even kept my own sister's kids. Shoot, with the exception of my absentee friend, I haven't even gone shopping with a friend since college. My expectation of a perfect friendship is the ability to send a text, rather it is good, bad, happy, sad, or simply a picture of how incredibly horrible I look that day, and expect an appropriate, gratifying response and reciprocation. As a person who has known me 99% of my life, I can be as weird as I need to be and know that I won't scare her off. I love our relationship, but I need more. She has supported me through the worst life has thrown at me, and I love her like a sister, but I need physical arms to hug me. I need another mom who has also waded through a discarded diaper and it's contents that day to site with me, have that cup of coffee and just laugh. Is that even real life? Does that exist? Can I expect that from an adult relationship?

Adult friendships are hard. Like, REALLY hard. Now that I am a mom, I find that they are even harder. The only place I see people is at bible study, and while it is nice, and I enjoy the ladies, they don't know me and I really don't know them. I feel like asking one of them to a coffee date would be much like a high school boy asking a girl who is way out of his league to prom. I have no experience in this area. Besides, in order to have a conversation over my favorite beverage, and actually really enjoy it, both of us would have to find someone to watch our kids -and that's just too much work. A park date could work, but the few times I've tried to meet moms at the park have turned into them enjoying one another and me, and my anxiety, trailing my son making sure he doesn't kill himself on the crazy equipment. (Or run into the street chasing the tractor that is mowing the green space - yes, he has tried to do that) I guess I could try the unthinkable and have someone into my home, but I can't guarantee how clean it will be, or that there won't be a dog poop on the playroom floor. I feel like having a first mom date at my house would be like going to 2nd base with a stranger. *No thank you* Going to their house is even more out of the question. I would hate to end our date forking over cash for the family heirloom my son managed to break.

Besides, I mean, how do you DO it? What does it look like? Do you have one 'date', decide it's not a relationship you are willing to pursue, and not call them back? *AWKWARD* Do you move through your circle of moms, speed dating until you find your person, leaving behind you a trail of moms thinking you are completely and utterly weird? Do you forgo that idea of your mommy BFF, and settle for anything that has a pony tail and can drink coffee?

All of this has been going through my mind today. As I sat pondering it, I began to question why I feel such a need for affirmation and love from a source I can't even define. Do I need companionship that understands the phase of life I am in right now? Do I need someone I can be weird and childish with? Am I just looking for a person who can help me justify making that second pot of coffee (because I drank the first pot before noon - by myself) Am I looking for a built-in friend for my son? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe there is a bit of truth in all of those reasons. No matter the reason, I came to the conclusion that no human can satisfy me in the soul satisfying way I need. Only my Heavenly Father can be everything I need. I don't know when, or even if, I will even find someone I can truly be MBF (Mom Best Friends) with, and I'm ok with that.

Just like other areas of my life, being ok with it doesn't mean I won't occasionally regret it or have days where I wished it weren't that way, but I am overall ok with God's plan and timing. He has a purpose for my life and my relationships, and it is bigger than I can even imagine. Worrying and obsessing over it won't change anything. I was reminded today how thankful I am for my one dear friend who loves me and how lucky I am to have her in my life.