I will trust in him and not allow this process or any medication to steal my Joy

Tonight, I was forced to go face to face with something dark and sinister. I had a dream like I have never had before. I won't describe it, but I was forced to do horrible things, and watched death and destruction in a manner and on a scale that is unimaginable. When I finally was able to wake up and get away from the dream, I was so frightened I was shaking uncontrollably. Not just my limbs, but a tremor shake in my organs and muscles. I have been awake for a while now and I am still not able to get the shaking to stop. I have never been this frightened in my life.

I laid in bed, trying to pray, but my mind was too tormented.  I woke up my husband and told him to hold me and to pray for me. This helped, but I was not able to get back to sleep. The images and general feeling of that dream are still too close to close my eyes.

I decided to get up and try to do some reading. I looked up verses for comfort and specifically for bad dreams. I prayed for God to be with my family and for me to trust in Him and to surrender them into His hands. One of the things I read that really helped me was this quote:

"Rest in God’s unfailing love, commit your life into God’s hands, and go forth in joy – Don’t let anything steal your joy!" ~Jolly Notes 

My mom has always said that happiness is an emotion, but joy is a lifestyle. Joy. I have not had JOY. I have been trying to trust and trying to put all of this in God's hands, but I have held on to it, obsessing about it and trying to control every aspect of it. I have let this process steal my joy.

Now, that does not mean I have been going around completely sad. I am quite good at faking happiness. I think I am just getting so dragged down in the emotions of what is going on that I have allowed my brain to think I am happy, but it hasn't been reaching my heart. For a couple of weeks now my husband has been asking me if I am ok, and has been commenting that I am sighing a lot, etc. He is concerned about it. I was at the point of being annoyed with him even. This morning, I told him that I don't even notice it (I really don't) and that it is nothing. However, it is quite possible that my body is showing signs that my brain is not recognizing.

I feel completely out of control. My child, my family, this IVF process, stressful situations, I have prayed over them, for them etc. I have in word given them to God and surrendered them to His care. However, I have not let go. I have clung to them tightly.

This is hard. As a parent, as a patient going through IVF, as a citizen of a fallen world, it is hard to love something or want something so fiercely and to 'let it go.' Of course, I have daily physical responsibility for these things. I am held accountable for what I do with them. But, I am actually commanded not to worry. That is my biggest problem. While I know worry is a sin, it is the area of my life I struggle with more than anything. My mind, creative and imaginative, conjures up 'what if' and 'maybe' worlds all the time. Without conscious or deliberate thought, I am suddenly in an imaginary situation and trying to think myself out of it. How should I react, or what should I do.

Maybe some of this is a good thing as a parent. Maybe I am just being prepared. However, having this happen all the time, and causing panic, almost as if I am in that situation and then causing worry and fear to come into my life about a situation that has never happened and could never happen is wrong.

I had such a strong reaction to this dream that my bowels are upset. I feel like I could throw up and I am still shaking. It is very difficult for me to feel I have given all over to God when I still have the physical symptoms. That is why this IVF process is so difficult. As with any health related issue, you pray about it, and you try to 'let go and let God' but you still have to give a large part of your brain to it. I recently read that IVF is physical and mental torture, and I am convinced that is about right.

These strong dreams, the feelings I have been having of anxiety and a little depression are partly just me. The other 90% of it I believe is the medication. Before getting on this medication (it is just birth control) I had a really good handle on my anxiety. I really felt pretty good about it. I was noticing that I hadn't been having as many symptoms, etc. Since being on this pill for about half a month, I have noticed a climb in my symptoms.

The other day I burst into tears for no reason. There was also a situation at Christmas that wasn't pleasant, and yes, it wasn't perfect, but I reacted to it much more strongly than I think I would have without the medication. I am not saying that the medication is an excuse, exactly the opposite. Because I have this issue, I feel like it is my responsibility to fight even harder. Satan will use any avenue to get into my head and to steal my joy.

Here is an article I found that explains a little what BCP can do to a woman as far as mental health is concerned.

For women who are already experiencing mental health problems before taking contraceptives, it can be a gamble to starting taking pills with hormones.                           ~ EmpowHer.com

I call them crazy pills for a good reason. However, God is bigger than this tiny white pill, and I will not let it control my life. I can get through this stage of IVF and move on. I will not let it drag me down. I will continue to give my life and that of my family to God, even if I have to do it 100x a day. I will trust in him and not allow this process or any medication to steal my Joy.