Great Expectations

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, …"
~Charles Dickens, A Tale Of Two Cities

For my literary friends, please forgive me the purposeful confusion of the two Dickens references that have been made so far. I love both these books and thought that many lessons from both of them were applicable for what I am going to talk about. I won't go into a literary analysis and compare and contrast in this post though. This is a post from the heart.

We are in the process of waiting to start our IVF cycle. Really, we have been waiting to start this cycle since the birth of our son, just over two years ago, but the final countdown has begun and time is nearly standing still as we anticipate the start of this cycle.

As I have said before, sometimes I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then. knowing how it should go and just exactly what kind of pain and emotional trauma I am voluntarily and gladly putting myself through makes me question my own sanity if I take time to really consider it.

This waiting time isn't good for my health. I am still trying to get some extra weight off and most days I do great, but I am a stress eater. Without even realizing I was stressing out about this upcoming cycle, and before I could give it much conscious thought, I had consumed a bag of pretzel sticks (they are gluten free, so that makes them healthy - right?) and a whole bowl of crasins and almonds (a great snack I love to make). I then gain a ton of weight from water retention (salty snacks! UGH!) and get depressed about the water weight, so stress out about it and turn once again to the snacks. I'll go great for a few days, lose that weight and head toward my goal before I start the process over.

While I wait and dream and plan, I can't keep from making decisions about what room the new baby (or babies) will have. I'm not even pregnant, and I am stressing about putting all the kids in one nursery, making two nurseries or having three rooms, ready for our three kids. I stress about the changes that will come to our lives, and in those times, I question rather I actually want to do IVF again. Yes, as set as I am on this, and as much preparation, emotionally, financially, and other wise we have done, some days I still doubt our decision.

One day this week I was going through a hard time emotionally, dealing with all these thoughts and also with some looming work for a client that was stressing me out, and I was suddenly struck with the realization that, if this cycle goes as planned, I will be the mother of three kids under three years old. I was tempted to take a nap, or get into the fetal position just thinking about that. I mean, I knew this all along, but I had never thought of it in that light. Friends, your prayers are coveted as we go through this process, and especially if we get twins. It is going to be crazy town at our house.

While, there are many horrible expectations (and expecting them is incredibly stressful) there are so many GREAT EXPECTATIONS. This time of waiting really is the best of times and the worst of times. For every frightening and negative thought, I assure you, there are at least double the good ones. Many of the thoughts and doubts I am having most mothers experience at the possibility of adding to their family, IVF or not.

Here is where those worries are unique to IVF: This time before your cycle officially starts has been compared by many IVF families as being worse than the TWW. (Two Week Wait - See my glossary of terms in my previous post for a ton of great fertility related abbreviations and definitions) While I am trying to enjoy this calm time before the IVF storm begins, It is difficult to not waste it with anxiety. I know that as soon as I get dear AF, my life will be forever changed, no matter the outcome of the procedure.

It is difficult not to get caught up in all this. It is good for me to stop for a while, reflect and to remember that life is going on outside of my own conflict. Friends, please, don't think I am selfish. I do care about you, and I do try to listen to you and what you are going through I care about those things - but be patient with me. If I always change the topic and bring it back to me and my upcoming IVF, or life with three kids, etc. I am not meaning to dominate conversation with my own life. I promise. It's just that I am so completely consumed with all of this and dealing with so much right now that it is incredibly hard to not talk about it or not relate it to just about anything anyone 'in the real world' has to say. Give me grace as I go through this process. I know you might be frustrated with me, but I promise, this will not last forever.

If you never have to experience this, I am incredibly happy for you, but as many who have similar situations as mine will attest, waiting is really what IVF is all about. You wait for your cycle to start (where we are now) then, you wait for your meds to get here and for your trial transfer. You wait for your retrieval and for news on your little embryos. You anxiously wait for news as to when you will have your transfer and then after that, you wait for your Beta Test (pregnancy test.) This is about a month and a half (at least) full of nothing but waiting, only interrupted by Dr.'s appointments (SO MANY DR's APPOINTMENTS!) Passing time is only marked by which medication you are on and your medication schedule.

To go back to Dickens, I literally feel like I have England and France, Paris and London inside me. The contrast of the two are at war with each other and something big is about to happen. At the same time, I am Pip after moving to London. I am doing my best to live in a world that I don't fully understand and expecting such great things from my future. (And, I promised there would be no literary comparison... oops)