I will trust in him and not allow this process or any medication to steal my Joy

Tonight, I was forced to go face to face with something dark and sinister. I had a dream like I have never had before. I won't describe it, but I was forced to do horrible things, and watched death and destruction in a manner and on a scale that is unimaginable. When I finally was able to wake up and get away from the dream, I was so frightened I was shaking uncontrollably. Not just my limbs, but a tremor shake in my organs and muscles. I have been awake for a while now and I am still not able to get the shaking to stop. I have never been this frightened in my life.

I laid in bed, trying to pray, but my mind was too tormented.  I woke up my husband and told him to hold me and to pray for me. This helped, but I was not able to get back to sleep. The images and general feeling of that dream are still too close to close my eyes.

I decided to get up and try to do some reading. I looked up verses for comfort and specifically for bad dreams. I prayed for God to be with my family and for me to trust in Him and to surrender them into His hands. One of the things I read that really helped me was this quote:

"Rest in God’s unfailing love, commit your life into God’s hands, and go forth in joy – Don’t let anything steal your joy!" ~Jolly Notes 

My mom has always said that happiness is an emotion, but joy is a lifestyle. Joy. I have not had JOY. I have been trying to trust and trying to put all of this in God's hands, but I have held on to it, obsessing about it and trying to control every aspect of it. I have let this process steal my joy.

Now, that does not mean I have been going around completely sad. I am quite good at faking happiness. I think I am just getting so dragged down in the emotions of what is going on that I have allowed my brain to think I am happy, but it hasn't been reaching my heart. For a couple of weeks now my husband has been asking me if I am ok, and has been commenting that I am sighing a lot, etc. He is concerned about it. I was at the point of being annoyed with him even. This morning, I told him that I don't even notice it (I really don't) and that it is nothing. However, it is quite possible that my body is showing signs that my brain is not recognizing.

I feel completely out of control. My child, my family, this IVF process, stressful situations, I have prayed over them, for them etc. I have in word given them to God and surrendered them to His care. However, I have not let go. I have clung to them tightly.

This is hard. As a parent, as a patient going through IVF, as a citizen of a fallen world, it is hard to love something or want something so fiercely and to 'let it go.' Of course, I have daily physical responsibility for these things. I am held accountable for what I do with them. But, I am actually commanded not to worry. That is my biggest problem. While I know worry is a sin, it is the area of my life I struggle with more than anything. My mind, creative and imaginative, conjures up 'what if' and 'maybe' worlds all the time. Without conscious or deliberate thought, I am suddenly in an imaginary situation and trying to think myself out of it. How should I react, or what should I do.

Maybe some of this is a good thing as a parent. Maybe I am just being prepared. However, having this happen all the time, and causing panic, almost as if I am in that situation and then causing worry and fear to come into my life about a situation that has never happened and could never happen is wrong.

I had such a strong reaction to this dream that my bowels are upset. I feel like I could throw up and I am still shaking. It is very difficult for me to feel I have given all over to God when I still have the physical symptoms. That is why this IVF process is so difficult. As with any health related issue, you pray about it, and you try to 'let go and let God' but you still have to give a large part of your brain to it. I recently read that IVF is physical and mental torture, and I am convinced that is about right.

These strong dreams, the feelings I have been having of anxiety and a little depression are partly just me. The other 90% of it I believe is the medication. Before getting on this medication (it is just birth control) I had a really good handle on my anxiety. I really felt pretty good about it. I was noticing that I hadn't been having as many symptoms, etc. Since being on this pill for about half a month, I have noticed a climb in my symptoms.

The other day I burst into tears for no reason. There was also a situation at Christmas that wasn't pleasant, and yes, it wasn't perfect, but I reacted to it much more strongly than I think I would have without the medication. I am not saying that the medication is an excuse, exactly the opposite. Because I have this issue, I feel like it is my responsibility to fight even harder. Satan will use any avenue to get into my head and to steal my joy.

Here is an article I found that explains a little what BCP can do to a woman as far as mental health is concerned.

For women who are already experiencing mental health problems before taking contraceptives, it can be a gamble to starting taking pills with hormones.                           ~ EmpowHer.com

I call them crazy pills for a good reason. However, God is bigger than this tiny white pill, and I will not let it control my life. I can get through this stage of IVF and move on. I will not let it drag me down. I will continue to give my life and that of my family to God, even if I have to do it 100x a day. I will trust in him and not allow this process or any medication to steal my Joy.

PGS is a serious decision you will have to make when going through IVF

PGS testing.This is something I honestly didn't hear much about when we did our first IVF cycle. This time, it seems to be everywhere.

Preimplantation genetic screening (PGS) for aneuploidy is a powerful genetic test that may be performed on embryos during IVF treatment to screen for numerical chromosomal abnormalities. PGS is performed on a small embryo biopsy prior to transfer and identifies which embryos are chromosomally normal.

Last time they recommended Cam and I get tested for cystic fibrosis. Since neither of us are carriers, that was all the genetic testing they were concerned with. It was a simple blood draw before we did IVF. This time, we were asked if we were wanting to do any other genetic testing. We had the option to have PGS and we had to sign a paper saying that we were not wanting any other testing done on our embryos. It could be that we are a couple years older (I'm still in my twenties though) or that it is more mainstream now.

PGS is a serious decision you will have to make when going through IVF. If, like us, you believe that all life is sacred, you have to approach the PGS testing from this perspective: will the results make any difference in the end if I use the embryos or not? For us, the answer was no.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."Jeremiah 1:5

We couldn't just create these lives and then discard the ones that were not perfection. I understand the there is a LOT of money and time involved in the process. The argument for being financially responsible is out there. I get it. However, this test costs about $5k. In my book, that $5k could go a long way toward another round of infertility treatments, etc. However, this can open you up to spending way more money than you would have, so that argument almost negates its self.

As I said, PGS is a big thing right now. Lots of ppl ask about PGD/PGS on the support groups I am a part of. One of the ladies found this article and posted it. It is a very concise list of pros and cons.

READ THE ARTICLE HERE

After reading the article, I am even more convinced that we came to the right conclusion to not do PGS testing. We are under 35 with no known issues beyond a non-genetic male factor fertility issue.

Research has shown that taking embryos out to day 5 blastocyst (most dr.'s -ours included - do day 5 transfers) indicates a genetically strong embryo. I can't help but think that the few cells they take to test could be normal, but cells left behind could still be abnormal in that embryo. If you choose to do this testing, you are paying for something that's not 100% accurate. (as stated in the article) 

I have read stories of people who are devastated because they get this testing done on their three embryos and two come out with a flaw and one doesn't make it through the process. They end up with nothing to transfer. They have lost one baby and chosen to discard two. To me, that is unthinkable and (in my opinion) shows little regard for human life. 

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb."~Psalm, 139:13

To me, no matter how the sperm met the egg, God allowed the life to be created. ALL life, even life that begins in a lab, is created by God. Yes, it could be devastating to go through IVF only to end up with a sick or disabled child, but that is what God gave you. It is no less devastating when the life is created naturally. However, I know many down syndrome children that have been an incredible blessing to their parents. I know children that were given a 0% chance of living outside the womb that are alive and thriving. If they were created through IVF, and their parents had chosen to do PGS, they may not have had a chance to meet this incredible person. 

"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine."~Isaiah 55:8

From what I have seen, many couples choose to do this testing in hopes that it increases their chances of pregnancy and decrease the chance of miscarriage. HOWEVER, based on what I have read and the posts from IVF mamas I have seen, this is not the case. "Never implanted, and didn't work" seem to be the case many times. I feel that having this test, spending the extra $ ($5k is on the cheap side. doing testing on 3+ makes it incredibly expensive) sets couples up to think that they are guaranteed a baby. The heartache of having a 'perfect' embryo not make it and feeling there is nothing else that can be done would be incredible. 

I believe it is for this reason that many RE's I have read about are actually encouraging couples with little to no risk factors to not get the testing. For one thing, the testing makes a fresh transfer impossible. You would have to do a frozen transfer (FET). With the 20% chance of destroying the embryo in the testing process and the 35% chance they won't survive the freezing and thawing process, your chances of a successful IVF have significantly gone down.

Especially if you are dealing with very few embryos, this is something to consider. We had 3 embryos when we did it the first time, and two of them didn't make it to day 5. We only had one embryo that we could have done testing on and frozen for an FET. We got pregnant with our perfect son with that one embryo. Had we done testing, there would have been a 55% chance that he would not have survived the process. We would have been taking a huge risk with the life of our baby. 

IVF success rates have increased in recent years, from the 10% success rates in the 80s. However, it is still not guaranteed and the success rates are still (to me) too low to add more risk factors. 

"Women with top chances of IVF success have per-cycle success rates of 40% or higher, while the majority of women have per-cycle success rates of 20-35%. Having this perspective may help you think about trying more than one cycle, and feel less discouraged if the first one doesn't work." ~Resolve

While we are on the subject of statistics, lets talk accuracy. As stated in the article above, the test does not mean that you are guaranteed a healthy child. In the same way you can get a false 'positive' you could also get a false 'negative.' You could be tossing a perfectly healthy embryo that has a good chance of surviving based on a flawed test. Yes, the chances of that are probably low, but it happens.The new protocol is to do PGS (day 5) not PGD (day 3) testing and to only take trophectoderm cells (cells that should only be the placenta). They don't take the inner cell mass which becomes the embryo. As they are testing only the placenta, and not the actual baby that makes me question how much it reflects the baby. Also, they could (in theory) take an abnormal sample that could then divide off to be the placenta, not the embryo. 

As I said, there are too many ways the test could be wrong, and, while I am choosing to use IVF to help build our family, I really want to leave as much of it to God as possible. 

Here is where I * MIGHT* advocate for PGS testing:IF you are older, have known genetic issues or had multiple unexplained miscarriages, you could get this testing so you know exactly what you are dealing with. (while considering the risks above) 

HOWEVER, As I said before, our decision was based on "would this change our minds and would we use this embryo?" our answer is no, and yes. We would approach the pregnancy as high risk from the beginning and take all precautions, etc. to help ensure a successful pregnancy. If God has this life for us, we would do everything we could to take care of it.

With these same principles in mind, we did not get any testing done while I was pregnant with H, and we plan to do the same with any future pregnancies. We will get ultrasounds, and if all looks normal, we will proceed as if everything is fine. If there seems to be a legitimate concern and more testing is needed, we may get it as a diagnosis, but only so we know how to prepare for and take better care of our baby. We absolutely will NOT terminate a pregnancy based on any tests. If we have preterm labor and the baby does not survive, at least we know that we did everything we could for this life. I would be sad, but I would be able to live with a clear conscience. 

This has been a bit of a heavier post. I have tried to include links to the info I have talked about. Some of my sources are private. Some of my information is gleaned from reading extensively on message boards and Facebook groups about the subject. Most of this post is opinion, and from my very specific Christ-centered worldview. I will not apologize for this. This blog is for me. Yes, I hope that others who are experiencing infertility are able to get help from it, but in the end, I am writing it as a way to cope with my infertility and to document the process.

Having said that, as with all things, I am not telling you what you should do. I am gathering up facts and opinions and telling you what we have done with them in our own journey. Approaching IVF from a christian perspective is different. Some of the decisions and issues you will face that are not hard decisions for others will be extremely difficult for you. 

I am writing this blog and sharing my story not to tell you what to do but to provide a resource that might be counter-cultural and help you to make your decisions. 

Looking at the sleeping face of my son, I feel so inadequate for such a huge task

"The Son of God became a man to enable men to become sons of God."
~C.S. Lewis

I wrote this two years ago after a long first month of taking care of my infant son. Never before had Christmas felt so real to me. As I was laying in bed writing this on my phone I was in awe of how close I truly felt to God because of my new role as a mother. 

Merry Christmas friends! 

•   •   •   •   •   •

This Christmas has so much more meaning for me now that Henry is here. When I was pregnant with him, I was in awe of the miracle growing inside me. The kind of love a parent has for a child is understandable, but not fully comprehended until you are a parent. 

Being a mom is an incredible joy, and a huge responsibility. That Mary was chosen to be the mother of God's Son is amazing. She and Joseph kissed the face of God, changed his diapers, and held tiny fragile hands that would perform miracles. 

A parent dreams of what their child will become, and hopes they can train them, and give them the best version of themselves they can be. Looking at the sleeping face of my son, I feel so inadequate for such a huge task, and I can imagine Mary, on similar long nights, feeding a fussy Jesus who finally falls asleep on her Brest. It's dark, and she is alone and having an incredibly intimate moment, listening to the sleeping sounds, feeling the tiny movements and watching the sleeping face of God.
The phrase, "Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart" has so much more depth of meaning as a parent. 

Finally, I think of the sacrifice God made for me. He sent his Son to die an incredibly painful death, that I can have eternal life with Him. Again, that sacrifice is not lost on any human. Before becoming a parent, it is a powerful thing that God did this. After becoming a parent, it's unimaginable. 

Even being God, and knowing how it would turn out, to know what he would suffer as a sacrifice would be torture. Even as much as I love my friends and family, if I was asked to give Henry over to certain death to save them, I'm almost positive I could not do it. 

The gift of love God gave us on that first Christmas is enough to bring me to my knees. It changed the world, and brought hope and love to mankind. This Christmas my heart is full with the knowledge of that gift. I hope it remains that way far beyond December 25th.

Maybe I'm just cheap, but I really don't want to pay for a service I am not going to get

This was one of my Facebook posts this week: 

Well... this just happened.
This week the IVF train is really picking up speed.
Our medications have been ordered. We are waiting to hear back from some prescription discount places to see if we qualify and then we will be paying for the meds as well. The deadline for all payments is Dec. 27th.  

If you are praying for us, please pray that we qualify for at least the minimum discount of 25%. Our out of pocket expense for the medications is about $3400.00 (which is great, considering it could have cost $5,000+.) Any discount would be amazing. It would be awesome to qualify for the 50% or even better yet, the 75% discount, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

As I said in a previous post, we did qualify for the 25% discount, which saved us about $1k off our medications. This isn't as much as I wanted to qualify for, but I am not complaining. getting a $1k discount is amazing and I am incredibly thankful for it. 

One thing I had mentioned in my previous post is to always be your own advocate. We were originally quoted $10,530.00 for our IVF procedure. When we got the bill, it was $100 more than that. I tried several times to contact the office, trying to confirm that we didn't have to pay that exrtra $100. I already knew that the extra fee came from the $100 patient education class that we are not required to take (because we are old pros). Maybe I'm just cheap, but I really don't want to pay for a service I am not going to get. 

Since I had never heard back from the office, we went ahead and got our cashier's check for the whole amount. I took it to Tulsa and hand delivered it to the clinic yesterday. When handing over a check this large, it is hard to let go. As much as I want this IVF cycle to happen, it was hard to give it up. While I was there, I spoke to them about the extra $100. I did hold up the line a bit, but luckily, I had my son with me and he was being *ADORABLE* he had on a jingle bell bracelet and was shaking it and singing jungle bells. In some instances, that could be considered rude to let a kid do that in a waiting room, but in an infertility waiting room, he was a complete hit. Everyone loved him. (I digress... back to the $100.) 
They agreed that I should not have to pay that amount, and my account was credited for the amount. There will be more expenses after IVF is over, so this worked for me. 

Worrying about $100 might seem silly to some. I know that I have been guilty of just paying medical bills and not actually looking at what I'm paying for. However, money is tight while we are going through this procedure, and if I can save $1k here, and $!00 there, it really starts to add up! 

There have been many times in this process that I have had to ignore that voice inside myself telling me to not be annoying

There are several things I feel I need to write about, but I am not sure of a good way to present them. Being a list person, I have decided to just go at it that way. It may not be the best blog post ever, but I will get the information across.

1. Progesterone In Oil (PIO) - see my post about IVF terms to learn more about this and more.
The first time I did IVF, I was terrified of this shot. Okay, I was pretty scared of all the shots, but this baby sat there for weeks, in my IVF meds box, taunting me. It is a LARGE, 2" needle, and I'm not exactly sure of the gauge, but it ain't small.

Once I finally started to take those shots I realized that they weren't that bad. I mean, they weren't pleasant, but I easily survived them. I did end up with a nasty itchy and bumpy rash on both of my hips. (they say it is your bottom, but it is more like lower back/ hip area.) I have enough info that I need to do a whole post about that shot, but I will save that for another time.

The prescription I was originally given was for PIO in sesame seed oil. This is a thicker oil and it really has to go in slow and be warmed up really well in your hands in order to make it a more pleasant experience. After a couple of weeks of this shot is when my rash developed. It was really pretty nasty. I was at my parent's house, and I was going crazy. I called the Dr. and they gave me a new prescription for PIO in olive oil. This was MUCH better. It still caused some irritation, but it was not half as swollen, etc. Wearing my jeans was actually an option, where before, I dreaded getting out of my yoga pants.

This time, I asked for olive oil to begin with. Well, that put a kink in my prescriptions. They used a different specialty pharmacy this time, and they do not carry PIO olive oil. They were having to try to find an alternate option for me, which was holding up the process. They offered me another alternative, but it was over double the cost of the original prescription. NO THANKS. In an effort to just move the process along, I told them to just give me the sesame seed oil. I guess we will deal with the rash when we get there. I'm going to be praying that I don't get it this time.

2. Medication discount programs
We were told to apply to two discount programs. They both have the same basic application process and qualifications, but they said that you can apply for both in hopes that one gives you a better discount.

The two programs are DesignRx First Steps and Compassionate Care. I didn't remember applying for these the first time, but I guess I did. I just had to renew my application by sending in the first two pages of my ta return. (1040) TOP TIP: They do not need your social security number, bank account or routing information or your federal tax id (PIN) number. They just need to see the numbers that have to do with your financial situation. However you can, before sending, I would recommend blacking out that information. I opened mine in photo shop and put little boxes over the information to block it out. It's not that I don't tryst the company, but that is super sensitive information, and I like to take precautions. 

These programs are AMAZING! If you qualify, you are able to save up to 75% off of the cost of your fertility medications. Now, don't be silly, like me, and think that because you are guying a medication for a fertility treatment that it is a fertility medication. There are I think only 3 actual fertility medications and they are what you will get the discount on. 

After many attempts to get our information to the compassionate care program, and several phone calls to them, we finally gave up trying to apply. I'm sure it was a fluke, and they are a great company. We just couldn't seem to connect with them. 

We did get everything in to First Steps, and we had approval from them within 24 hours. We didn't get that big 75% discount, but we did get 25% off old two of our medications. The two meds are what drives up the cost at the pharmacy stage of IVF, so I am very happy and thankful for even that 25% off. 

3. Be a squeaky wheel
If you have ever dealt with a stressful medical situation, you know that you are your own best advocate. It is your job to stay on top of everything, and you don't have to wait for some office to contact you. 

There have been many times in this process that I have had to ignore that voice inside myself telling me to not be annoying, and made myself push for what I want. Instead of waiting for the pharmacy to call me to confirm the prescription, I called them, and it was a good thing I did  (See list item one.) 

Faxing in paperwork and then calling in a few hours to confirm the receipt is not over kill. It is making sure your cycle doesn't get delayed or canceled because of some stupid clerical error. I'm not saying that clinics are irresponsible, or that they don't care about you -our clinic does a pretty good job of putting up with me and taking care of my needs. I am saying however that no one cares about your situation as much as you do. Even those doing a bang up, super job are simply doing their job, and sometimes you are not the priority. 

Being on top of things, knowing and understanding your financial obligations, etc. Calling and talking to people with any questions you have, even when they seem silly, can save you a lot of time and even money in the end. I have saved us over a thousand dollars so far and lots of time by being the squeaky wheel. 

4. Facebook groups can be a nightmare 
Stay away from them. Really. I must say that I am a part of at least three IVF groups, and they are a good place to vent and to feel like you are understood. For that reason, they are good things. People, especially when they feel incomplete or damaged, as is sometimes the case with infertility need to feel like they are not alone and are a part of a community of people who completely get them. 

HOWEVER

They can be so incredibly depressing. It isn't a good idea to be a part of a group and just post your own stuff and never participate with other's posts. Even if you tried that, you can't avoid the newsfeed posts of members. Out of curiosity, you scroll through the group page and some days it is encouraging, but most days it makes me want to curl up in a ball. Miscarriages, failed IUI's, IVF's, depression, negative pregnancy tests, and all other matter of depressing content seem to dominate. 

Even on days when the good posts, IVF baby pictures, ultrasound images, positive tests and the like abound, it can be depressing. If you are struggling with infertility and especially if you have come to the point that you are considering IVF, you do not need me to explain this one. 

The groups can be a good thing. They can be a great source of encouragement and they have helped a lot of people. BUT, if you are like me, and you struggle with anxiety or you obsess over things, it might be better to stay away from them. 


These four items are just a small bit of the list I could come up with. They are not earth shattering or revolutionary in the least. However, if you are going through IVF or considering IVF for your family, these and many other issues are going to be what consume you. If you are going through infertility or IVF treatments, I would be happy to talk to you about it. I know I could not have made it the first time without the support of some friends who had been in the situation. 

It is sometimes hard to find things to be grateful and thankful for in this process

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.~William Arthur Ward

December 20, 2016 - CD 11
Yesterday I had my trial transfer and saline infused ultrasound. We also had our financial counseling appointment. I was in pain the entire length of the counseling, which thankfully was not long.

The last appointment I had, they had a difficult time finding my veins and I had to be stuck multiple times. It was an early appointment and I hadn't had enough water yet. I wasn't going to let that happen this time. I also had to have a full bladder for the trial transfer, so I chugged water all morning before my appointment.

About 5 minutes from the clinic, my body really needed to get rid of that water. We got there, checked in and took seats in the waiting room. Our 10:45 appointment turned into an 11:05 appointment and I was sitting in the waiting room trying not to cry.

I'm sure there was a lot of information I glazed over at our financial appointment, but between H being a little unruly (ok, he was pretty good, just loud) and my urgent need to relieve myself, my brain couldn't take in all that was being said.

We finished that appointment, and promised to pay about $16,300 by Christmas. (*YIKES!*) We already knew how much it was going to be and were prepared for it. Had it been a complete shock, I would have still been non-pulsed by it because I was concentrating on not wetting my pants.

When I finally got to the examination room, I was a bit put off because I was dressed in heavy winter clothes and had my cell phone in my pocket and about 5 lbs of water inside me, which made me look like I was SO much heaver than I actually am. Yes, I've gained weight because of recent holiday food indulgences, but not THAT much! (*double YIKES!*)

It felt like an eternity before the Dr. came in to perform the procedure. I had a cold speculum shoved up there, a catheter filled with saline shoved up there and injected into my uterus. There was lots of poking and prodding and pushing from the outside too from the ultrasound.

I did my best to talk through it and concentrate on talking and not the pain going on in my nether regions. This procedure is no joke. It wasn't horribly painful, but it was way worse than a PAP. Oh, and I also had to pee so bad. I seriously thought I might go right on the table in front of the Dr.

Here's the good news:
While I was enduring this pain, and discussing the merits of YETI coolers vs. the many cheaper versions (yes, a fascinating conversation to have while your lady bits are exposed to two people and you are trying to forget about it) the Dr. Said to the Ultrasound Tech: "Oh my, look at that." Of course, That was enough to make me momentarily forget that I was in pain. I was expecting to hear him say there was scar tissue from my first pregnancy and delivery, etc. I was bracing myself for the bad news. Instead, he continued: "That is beautiful. Textbook perfect uterus."

Of course, I was relieved to hear that there was nothing to stand in the way of this IVF cycle. I must admit too, that I was kinda proud to have such an ideal organ. Had I not already been pretty puffed up with urine, I would have found a place for pride.

I don't know the exact stats on the issue, but I have to think that with my really good follicle count and my Mary Poppins uterus, our chances of a successful cycle should be way better than average. We do have severe male factor infertility, but that is pretty much taken care of at the fertilization phase of the procedure. We don't have issues with my fertility or my ability to carry a baby.

It is sometimes hard to find things to be grateful and thankful for in this process, but I was reminded that we have 'the best' form of infertility (If there is such a thing.) Yes, MF infertility is the only thing I can think of where someone else has to get treatment for your issue, but it is treatable -and relatively easily. I am grateful that we don't also have female infertility issues to deal with.

I have much more to say on the issue, but I guess I will save it for another post.
This is Christmas week, and there is a LOT I have to get done. Remember friends to find time to think about why we are celebrating CHRISTmas. This time of year can be more stressful than fun or relaxing. Stop, breathe and thank God for sending His Son to live among us so he could eventually save us from our sins.

One more hoop to jump through that gets us a little closer to our goal

12/13/16 - Cycle Day 4

Taking medications for an STD you know you don't have seems a little odd, but that is just another step of IVF that we have to do. One more hoop to jump through that gets us a little closer to our goal.
Today I filled Z-packs for both Cam and myself. The purpose is to treat chlamydia  - you know, just in case you are lying and the infectious disease labs didn't detect it.

I also picked up my birth control pills, which I will begin taking in the morning. I am supposed to only take the active pills, so I put an 'x' on all the blisters that I am not to take. I finally found out exactly what they are intended for in the IVF process:

• Helps to shut down the ovaries so that they are not stimulating prior to your IVF cycle. They are usually started on Day 3 of your menses and last for 2 to 6 weeks. Birth control pills also help us with the flexibility in scheduling your cycle.

• Lupron protocol: you will start BCP’s on day 3 of your menses and continue on them for several days after you start Lupron.

• Ganirelix & Micro Lupron protocol: you will start BCP’s on day 3 of menses and stop them on the day prior to starting stimulation medications. 

I'm not sure yet which protocol I will be on, but I was on the Ganirelix protocol last time.

Today I also received a message from our IVF coordinator with our consent forms, check lists, a sample timeline (which is actually pretty close to what I came up with in the last post) and patient education information. 

We still have to pay for our IVF cycle and the medications before the end of December, and attend the online education they offer on the IVF cycle, but other than that, we are all set! 

I am getting more excited every minute. The anxiety I have had is still there, lurking in the background, but I must say, having something productive to do, a checklist to work off of and complete has made today much better.

Also helping me to cope with my anxiety is my knitting, I said before that I have been teaching myself to make socks. I am almost through with my first one! I have no idea if it will fit, but... it has helped me pass the time. I had to watch a lot of YouTube videos in order to understand the pattern, so I think I am going to write a post about it - just in case any of my friends decide to give it a try. (It is quite relaxing) 

**UPDATE**
I didn't feel this warranted a post on its own. 
I HATE BCP PILLS!! 

I really hate them. I feel bloated and like I could toss my tacos at any minute. I also have a weird, almost dizzy headache that won't go away. I just keep telling myself that it is worth it and it will not last long. I've only taken three pills and I would really like to just be able to skip this part. (Of course, I won't as silly as it seems, it really is a vital part of the process.) 

"It is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it, it better be worth it, I hope it's worth it, it WILL be worth it..."