The Frozen Four

They froze our embryos yesterday. At this point we will never know for sure what happened, but we went from having 'unofficial, not supposed to know' information, saying we still had nine embryos to 'officially' having only four. 

Four is still a good number and we are thrilled to have this many. Four is what we had thought it would be since last Tuesday (retrieval day), and were prepared for. I feel a little silly having written a long post about taking care of nine children, but I don't at the same time. I'm not saying God was testing me, but what if he was? What if he was doing the same test to me that he did to Abraham? He knew the ultimate outcome, but he asked something of Abraham that Abraham didn't think he was capable of doing. He, although hesitant, did as God asked, and in the end God stepped in and rewarded Abraham's faithfulness and trust in Him. Just a thought. 

So far, my four little survivors are perfectly average. All four of them have received the ranking of 4BB. This isn't as good as I would have liked to see (Man! They aren't even born yet and I'm already pressuring them to get good grades!) but not as bad as it could be.

I have heard and read many stories of even poor quality embryos leading to a successful pregnancy. Currently I am researching the cryopreservation process as well as frozen transfers. I hope to have a post or two written about those subjects this week. 

I am not going to write a long, mushy post about this, because I think I have made it clear how I feel on the subject, but I do feel I need to at least mention my five new heaven's babies. Yes, I am sad I will never get to meet them here on earth, and yet, I am glad they are resting with God and their three siblings already there. I always pictured my heaven's babies as Henry's guardians. I know that the theology isn't sound, but it makes me feel good. At this point, Henry and his siblings have a whole team of guardians up there, watching out for them. 

We won't hear any more information on our embryos, the frozen transfer, etc. for at least a couple of weeks. If you are praying for us, we are asking that God keeps us calm and centered during this long waiting process. We were prepared to be through with the process entirely already, and be on the way to a pregnancy test, so this extra waiting period is slightly torturous. I would also ask that you pray for us financially. This new procedure we were not expecting to have done comes with a large price tag. It isn't as much as a fresh IVF cycle, but it is enough to cause stress and anxiety. 

If God Brings You To It, He Will Bring You Through It

It is finally time to put a stop to one of the most used christian sayings I can think of. I have used it many times and thought it was correct and appropriate. "God will not give you more than you can handle" is one of the biggest lies and stumbling stones for many christian walks. 

If God never gave you more than you can handle, or kept more than you can handle from coming your way, life would look pretty grand, wouldn't it? Imagine a life where you are in complete control of your finances, emotions, health, relationships, etc. Your world would be ordered and perfect. Depression, anxiety, and a vast number of other issues would all but disappear. It really sounds like a world I want to live in, but it does not exist. 

In a world as I described above, there is no real need for God, or at least people wouldn't see the need for Him. God is so often described as a shelter, a refuge, a strong tower, a help in time of need. All of these things imply that when you are at the end of what you can handle, in steps God and his steadying hands support you. 

I am not implying that he is sitting in Heaven, feet up on a foot stool of stars, picking his teeth and watching us move about, only stepping in when we are needed. Some see Him that way, and it saddens my heart. 

Consider parenting. We love our children so much we would literally die for them. We strive to teach them and to raise them to not be little jerks, and to  hopefully be a contributing member of society. We want to keep them from harm, but sometimes the only way to do that is to let them experience a little pain. They have to live their own lives and make mistakes and do things we don't agree with, but that is how they learn.

When my son was learning to walk, I didn't coat him with bubble wrap and line all the furniture with pillows. He fell, he got bumps and bruises and even a couple of bloody lips. Every time he fell, I was there. I assured him he was okay and encouraged him to continue trying, that he was not finished with his learning. Eventually, we got through that phase, together. 

Believing that God will not give me more than I can handle means that when I get to the end of what I can handle on my own, there isn't anyone there to lean on. Believing that philosophy means that, technically, I believe that God has somehow left or abandoned me, sitting back and forgetting about me when things are too tough to take in my own power. Believing this gives Satan too much credit. If God does not give us more than we can handle, then the thing we are going through must be from Satan or even some kind of punishment from God. Believing that also means we think that as God's people we are not going to have to face really tough situations - and we all know that's not true. Yes, some can handle more than others, but does that somehow imply that if you have many hard trials that you are somehow closer to God? 

You see, there are SO many flaws with this saying that is far too overused. 

"If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it" is my preferred saying. It implies a God who is there, beside you, never leaving your side. He walks and talks with us and guides us through even the toughest situations. We really can rely on Him, and when we are in a situation in which we feel beyond our abilities, we know that we have a friend to turn to who knows far more than we do, and can provide help and wisdom when we need it. 

This saying is still encouraging and helps when we are feeling like there is more than we can handle, but the imagery in it is so much better. Not giving you more than you can handle looks to me like a person with a giant pack on his back, and a God who is slowly putting one more rock on, gauging when the person's legs with buckle under him. Then, at the last minute, he steps in and saves the struggling person. Bringing you to it and through it implies to me a boy scout leader, teaching and directing as his students learn new concepts and ideas, some harder than others. He is always there for questions or to offer help or advice, but He can't do all the work for the kids. When they are hiking, or camping, he has the map and guides the kids, when needed, but lets them try to figure things out. 

Of the two sayings, one describes a God who is a dictator and one who is a leader. One reflects free will (He is leading, but we still have to make the decisions to follow, even when we know it is going to be hard) and the other, burden. One reflects the true heart of the Gospel and the other, salvation based on works and one's ability to DO things. 

I am not saying if you use the first one, you are somehow spreading false doctrine, it is a common phrase today, but I choose to not use it and instead try to use the second one. I believe we are all called to be intentional, and that includes the words that come out of our mouth. Sometimes the most innocent of statements can stick with a person. 

Richly Rooted In God's Promises

While our decision about what to do with all our embryos has not changed - we are quite resolute in our decision- we (I) find it a little hard to swallow when I think of all those little embryos. My throat closes off a bit and I am overwhelmed at the thought that I am responsible for all those souls. What do we do with them all?! Our plan is to keep attempting a transfer, two at a time, every time we have a baby (babies) about 18 months old, so our kids will be at least two years apart.

This plan makes sense, and we made it thinking that we would have four, possibly five embryos available, and factoring in the risks, that we would logically only have 2 or three actual live births from all those embryos. It was the ethical and responsible thing to do. It was the smartest financial decision as well, as we can not afford to continue paying for our kids to stay on ice into eternity. We already know that we would never destroy the embryos and have reached the unified and prayerful decision that we do not want to adopt them out.

The thing is I am struggling a bit right now. My heart and brain are sending me conflicting and confusing messages and I'm experiencing a little emotional overload. I am the one who always wanted a large family. I prayed for it and have shed so many tears over what I thought was the death of that dream. At one time I actually saw myself marrying young, maybe even to someone who already had a kid, starting off my adult life as a mom and just cruising along from there. Of course, I had this glorified idea of motherhood (I think I was about six or seven when I wanted this) that was far more fabulous than reality and may have been influenced by The Sound of Music. I have since dialed back the dream a bit, but one thing I knew for sure was I always wanted a minimum of three kids. Four was a prefect number in my mind. Wouldn't you know, I ended up falling head over heals with a man who wasn't sure he ever wanted kids and hadn't had much exposure to them.

You always want what you can't have, and maybe, just because I wanted a family so badly, he eventually came around and we both wanted to be parents with everything in us. By the time our son actually arrived, Cam was an old pro at the kid thing. We had nephews by then that adored their uncle, and he was in love with those little boys. Even as much as he loved them, nothing prepared him for fatherhood.

My husband has come into his own since becoming a father. He lights up when our son is in the room and delights in being his parent. For not really liking kids and not thinking he would enjoy being a parent, he is (and I am not exaggerating) one of the best dads out there. When our son was a couple of days old, and I was still in a fog of nursing and giant diaper underwear, he looked at me as he was holding H and told me in all seriousness that he thought we should have six or seven kids. I went from desiring a large family to choking on my own saliva and trying desperately to put the brakes on that idea.

Of course, I want another child. I would not be going through all of this if I did not truly love being a mother and want another baby. However, more than a large quiver full of kids, I was resigned to and satisfied with the idea of having Henry and a younger sibling for him. I had accepted our diagnosis, mourned the loss of my large family and moved on. With each cup of coffee that gets me through my day as a stay at home mom, the idea of having just two kids was planted deeper into my soul.

You see, while I am completely sold out for my son, and I love him with my entire being, I am not as good of a mother as I imagined I would be. Taking care of other's kids and being the fun sitter or nanny is one thing - you can enjoy them and go home. Being with your own offspring who pick up all your habits, good or bad, and bring out the worst in you just as you are trying desperately to give the best you have to them is utterly exhausting. Add maintaining a semi-clean home and making something besides pizza rolls for dinner, and I don't have the emotional energy to shower, let alone do anything else. AND I only have ONE kid!

Nine. That number just keeps ringing in my ears over and over again like a church bell. Right now there is a real possibility that I could have nine more babies. I do have nine babies. I take that back; I am the mother of a grand total of 13 children. Three of them are in heaven and I will never hold them. One of them is here, snuggling with his daddy watching cartoons as I write, and nine are in a dish in a lab in Tulsa with a very uncertain and cold future ahead of them. They go into the freezer tomorrow.

Wrapping my mind around this, and cementing our decision, despite recent developments is hard. Picturing myself surrounded with kids brings on both sweet, warm feelings, and a little clammy sweat at the same time. This truly is not my decision. When I put this in God's hands and said, Thy will be done, I didn't put a clause on there that said, IF things so as I planned them. When we asked for a miracle from God, and asked Him for an amazing outcome for this cycle, He delivered.

His answer isn't exactly what I thought it would be, but I truly feel He is the one orchestrating this entire thing. We have chosen to take a position of LIFE during this process, and I have written many posts centered on that subject. We have said that our goal is to honor life and to present infertility and IVF treatment from a christian worldview of sanctity of life. We have said that we would raise and love any child that God gave us through this process. There is NO way I could go back on that now. Yes, when we said that, we may have fully believed what we were saying, but we made the assumption that God's plans for us were the same as ours. I'm sure He gets a good laugh several times a day because His people make that mistake a LOT.

In my mind I was not only putting limitations on, but actually believing in a limited God. This was not something intentional, or even something I thought about until tonight as I sit here digesting the news. I believed He could give me a baby, but rather I chose not to believe, or rationalized it or any number of things, I did not think He would do something this amazing. Scientifically, the fact that all nine are still here, statistically, that none of them expired is a miracle.

Right this second, the thought of having several children scares me. I am an independent, private person (yes, I am private, even though I do not seem to have any trouble sharing all on a blog) who likes to do things my way. Having that many kids, likely a set or two of twins means not only would I feel out of control, but I would have to accept a lot of help from others. That is hard for me to do. I am honored and blessed by their desire to help, but actually accepting the help is something I rarely do and am not entirely comfortable with.

The good thing is, I have quite a bit of time to think this all through. I won't go in for my first frozen transfer for about another month, and then there are still a couple more years until we try for another transfer. I recently read that you have the energy you need for what you need to get done. Right now I know about being the mom to one, and that is my normal. When this new baby (babies) come, that will be the new normal. There will be an adjustment period, but God will provide the energy and strength needed as I need it. Also, my husband will keep me supplied with a bottomless coffee pot...

God never changes, and His steadfast love is new every morning. His mercies have no end. Because of that beautiful promise from Him, we are going to keep our promise in return. No matter how many babies He has for us, one or nine, we will love them, raise them and teach them to know Him. It is our promise and our calling - one we never expected in a million years. We will stay rooted in the knowledge that His plans are not ours and that He knows what he is doing. It may be hard, and we might not always feel in control, but we know that we are doing the right thing, and that is all that matters.

**EDIT -  7/19/17
This post was written the evening we found out we had nine embryos that had survived to day five in the lab after IVF treatment. The next day they froze the embryos and we ended up with five surviving snowflake babies. Every word of this post remains true, even though the number of potential children has been reduced.

We transfer two of those embryos next week and we are both excited and nervous for what our future holds. We know that our loving God has a plan for us though, and we are clinging to the promise that He will never leave us.

If you want to read more about our story, please check out some of my other posts about our infertility and IVF journey.
**

Nine Lives

This afternoon we got the call we have been waiting for. It was odd, and it freaked me out, but it was nice to get information. 

I was making dinner when the clinic called me. While I say we were waiting for the call, we were not actually expecting a phone call, but an update on our online portal. We were told to look for information on Sunday for how many embryos were successfully frozen and their grades.

Receiving the call initially sent me into panic mode. We are operating on a 'no news is good news' point of view, so a phone call usually doesn't bode well. I about dropped the phone when the voice on the other line said she was calling to schedule our transfer, and that we should be in the clinic at 9:45 tomorrow morning. My throat thickened and I had several tears on standby, thinking we had somehow misunderstood and had messed everything up.  I told the IVF coordinator that I was not on any of the medications and had not been taking progesterone shots. I said we were told we would be doing a frozen transfer in June or July. It took a little bit, but after some assurance that they really do know what they are doing, (which I do not doubt - they are great) but I was somehow still on her list, but that was okay - no harm done - she apologized and then went ahead and gave me some info about our little embryos. Not sure she was actually supposed to do this, but it is our information about our children, and it was available and in front of her, so...

I was expecting her to tell me that we were lucky to have three or four and that she was hopeful about our chances. Instead, she blew me away. Out of the nine eggs that were successfully fertilized and became embryos on Tuesday evening, we have... *Drum Roll Please* ...NINE remaining.

That's right. Not a single one has 'expired', stopped growing, etc. This has never happened for us. Out of nine fertilized in 2104, only three actually 'took' and we only had one left on the day of transfer. We were realistically expecting to have four, maybe five left at this point. To have nine remaining is nothing short of a miracle.

The other two times we have been in this situation, at the brink of transfer (this time freezing) day, we have been cautiously optimistic, but that's about it. Last time we didn't even get to the clinic before learning we didn't have a single embryo to transfer. The time before, we went to the clinic expecting to transfer two but ended up with only one. We transferred that one, even though it was not the best quality. (that one little embryo ended up being our son, Henry)

Not only do we have more than we know what to do with this cycle, we have some really healthy little fighters to boot! Three of the embryos are what they call compacted and looking like perfect blastocysts (see image above). Three more are just behind those, looking like they are going to catch up and will probably be perfect little embies. She didn't really say anything about the other three, but I am assuming they are somewhere lower on the scale, but obviously still hanging on and will probably be viable as well.

God really does deliver in impossible situations. He went beyond our wildest expectations and gave us so much more than we asked for. Actually, we are a little overwhelmed at how well it has all gone. From writing about rotten eggs to having more embryos that we know what to do with has been quite the journey for me emotionally and spiritually. I was feeling sorry for myself and tempted to doubt God's plan for us. He sure showed me.

"I will make them and the places surrounding my hill a blessing. I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing."~Ezekiel 34:26

We will still get an update tomorrow, letting us know about our little embies. Tomorrow's update will include more specific grading information about the individual embryos. I feel like I can really let them go, and let them get frozen (did you see what I did there) with a sense of peace about our future family.

Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome

Stimulated ovaries with large follicles. 

Here is the Facebook post I made this afternoon. Just like I never expected to be on this infertility journey, I never gave a thought to having Ovarian Hyper Stimulation. (OHSS). I guess I have to be thankful for it because it is those overactive ovaries this cycle that got me so many eggs and allowed for our nine little embryos. 

"OHSS is crazy stuff. I don't have all the symptoms of the severe version, but from what I understand, I'm between moderate and severe. I have tried to stay away from google because when you look up the symptoms, at the bottom of this list (most of which I have) is death. Yes, death -try not to let that freak you out!
In an effort to not sound like a panicking hypochondriac, I downplayed my symptoms and described it with as much humor and levity as I could manage when I sent my dr an update. His nurse replied that I hade made her laugh out loud in the office. Goal accomplished. Unfortunately, there isn't much I can do to make things better except take pain pills, drink lots of water and get rest as much as possible. Shortness of breath from my swollen organs pushing on my diaphragm is ok as long as I can get a good breath by leaning back and not sitting straight up. Pain is to be expected and is 'normal' as long as it can be controlled by my (narcotic) pain killers.
Not being able to stand fully upright because of pain from swollen ovaries and other organs being choked by excess fluids is all within the realm of normal for OHSS.
The constpiation (and gas😐)from the strong pain meds (even drinking lots of water doesn't keep that away) adds to all the bloating and general uncomfortable feeling as well as making my bum really sore (😳Tmi).
This is the first time I've experienced OHSS and I'm grateful I haven't had to deal with it before. I'm also grateful that we have nine embryos. This means that likely we will never have to do the stimulation / retrieval phase of IVF again, even if we try to have another baby in the future. We are expecting to have several little embryos in the freezer."

As I said above, there isn't a lot that can be done unless symptoms become life-threatening, so I just have to sit and monitor my symptoms. I feel better when I am able to lay flat and not move much at all. I was able to take a long rest this afternoon, so I feel better than I did this morning. It is a rainy, gross day and H  decided to take over a two hour nap, so I took full advantage of it.  

If you are going through IVF treatment, your Dr. will look for symptoms of OHSS and will be on top of it. It is your job to monitor symptoms at home and let your clinic know if you have any changes or new symptoms. It is uncomfortable and not much fun at all, but while it CAN get bad, most cases are nothing to worry about  - you just have to be diligent and not over do it. 

My nurse told me that symptoms and even new symptoms may occur / continue up to 10 days after the HCG trigger shot. It is excess HCG that is believed to cause OHSS. This is the reason they delayed my transfer and decided to go with a frozen cycle in a couple of months. Pregnancy increases the HCG in your body and could make OHSS even worse. Attempting a pregnancy while having OHSS symptoms could lead to other complications. 

What is OHSS? 

Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) is a medical condition affecting the ovaries of some women who take fertility medication to stimulate egg growth. Most cases are mild, but rarely the condition is severe and can lead to serious illness or death.

What are OHSS Symptoms?

With severe ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, you might have:

• Rapid weight gain — such as 33 to 44 pounds (15 to 20 kilograms) in five to 10 days
• Severe abdominal pain
• Severe, persistent nausea and vomiting
• Blood clots in legs
• Decreased urination
• Shortness of breath
• Tight or enlarged abdomen

Read more here

How long can it take for OHSS symptoms to subside? 

OHSS symptoms usually appear a few days after ovulation. Symptoms usually resolve within two weeks, unless pregnancy occurs.

With God All Things Are Possible

God's people must have been lifting up a mountain of prayers on our behalf because the news we got this morning could only be described as a miracle! 

To break down this chart, we had 11 eggs harvested. Out of that 11, one had to be tossed. There were 10 that had ICSI performed on them (were injected with a sperm with a needle.) Out of that 10, 9 little embryos are growing and have potential to be babies in our arms. NINE!!

Out of the three egg retrievals we have done and the three results we have waited for, this is the most encouraging report we have ever had. Out of 11 eggs when we did IVF with Henry, only three fertilized and only one made it to transfer day. Having 9 to start off with really increases our odds and gives us hope that this can be a successful cycle. 

I'm not entirely sure what the next few weeks will look like as I have never done a frozen transfer before, but I feel much more relaxed about the whole process now that I have this wonderful news. 

When I got the message about our little Embies, I called Cam and told him to start looking for the van he wanted, that we were the proud parents to 13 babies. (three heaven babies, Henry and 9 in the clinic right now)

We are not 100% sure what the future looks like for any frozen (snowflake is what the IVF world calls them) babies we have, but we see ourselves attempting a frozen transfer every couple of years until they are all used. I can't stand the thought of just letting them remain frozen with no plan for their future. We arrived at that conclusion a long time ago and feel a real peace about it. God created these lives, and if He wants them to live, He will make it happen. 

Thank you again for all the prayers and love you have shown us. I truly believe that it is the prayers sent up that got us to the place we are today. 

Egg Retrieval, April 18 2017

Obligatory hospital picture before going back for retrieval. 

A quick update between naps: 

This morning started off early. I laid in bed, thinking positive thoughts and trying to pray for the day that was ahead of us. I was awake before the alarm and didn't have a reason to get out of bed. When you are having surgery, not only do they not care what you look like, but they mandate that you look about as bad as you can. No cosmetics, perfumes, sprays, etc. I did put my hair in rag rollers last night, just to help me feel a little 'put together' but other than brushing my teeth and braiding my hair, nothing else could be done. I couldn't even have a cup of coffee, and to me, that is pretty vital to my basic survival. 

The morning was made sweet though by great snuggles from a certain little boy. The busy little man who is normally a daddy's boy wanted to only snuggle with mommy this morning. He gave me so many hugs and kisses and we sang songs and talked. When we finally rolled out of bed, my heart was full and I was ready to get the day started. I think that his sweet, tender heart knew mommy needed a little extra love this morning.

When we left, our son all but pushed us out the door. He was excited to get to spend the day with Grandma. I always hate leaving him, but it is much easier when I know he is taken care of and having a blast. This afternoon, In between naps, I have snuck into the kitchen or living room where he is playing with Grandma and now Grandpa too, and I am kindly informed that I am not needed. It is so cute and funny I can't even get my feelings hurt. 

The drive took a little longer than planned because there was thick fog all the way to Tulsa, but we got there in plenty of time and with no issues. Our egg retrieval went well. There was nothing significant to report and I guess that is a good thing. I was singing hymns as I was coming out of anesthesia. I blame my mother for that - she has a similar story. Cam recorded me. I was singing He Lives! It must have really been on my heart to have been singing it without truly knowing it. 

1 I serve a risen Savior,

he's in the world today;

I know that he is living,

whatever men may say;

I see his hand of mercy,

I hear his voice of cheer,

and just the time I need him

he's always near.

Refrain:

He lives, he lives,

Christ Jesus lives today!

He walks with me and talks with me

along life's narrow way.

He lives, he lives, salvation to impart!

You ask me how I know he lives?

He lives within my heart.

Cam took great care of me while waiting for word from the Dr. He helped to get me dressed and is actually a pretty great nurse. When the Dr. came to see us, we were anxiously waiting for news. As always, he didn't beat around the bush. They retrieved 11 beautiful little eggs this time and he was very pleased. They were hoping for 8-10, so this is a great number. (11 is also the number of eggs we retrieved when we did IVF for H.)

Then, with tact and yet no beating around the bush, he told us we won't be doing a fresh transfer on Sunday as we had planned. Instead, we will be doing a frozen transfer some time in June or July. This was not something we were expecting (or wanting to hear), but we are trusting that he has our best interest in mind and that he knows what he is doing. The idea of a frozen transfer hasn't been even a blip on my radar, so this came out of nowhere. Yes, this messes up OUR timeline, but we know that GOD's timeline is what matters. 

I am showing symptoms of ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome (OHSS) and they want to give my body some time to recover, reduce the swelling and also give me a rest before a pregnancy. I have been through the ringer and had SO many chemicals, medications, surgeries, stresses, etc. that they want to let me have a couple of normal (ish) months before doing the transfer. This will also give my uterine lining a better chance to get nice and thick before doing the transfer. 

Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) is a medical condition affecting the ovaries of some women who take fertility medication to stimulate egg growth. Most cases are mild, but rarely the condition is severe and can lead to serious illness or death. 

A frozen embryo transfer (FET) is a cycle in which the frozen embryos from a previous fresh IVF or donor egg cycle are thawed and then transferred back into the woman's uterus.

I am not sure exactly what goes into a frozen transfer (FET) but as you can imagine, I am itching to start learning about it and you know there will be at least one post about it coming up. I did manage to ask a few questions about it as the nurses were ushering me out the door. I did find out that there isn't as much medication that goes in to an FET, and also that the success rates of FETs are actually better than fresh transfers. Sometimes I feel like an old pro at this IVF thing, so throwing in something new, while a little unnerving and unknown, is also a little exciting. I always love an excuse for some good research. 

Now I will be able to say I have really experienced everything IVF can throw at me.
A Successful Fresh Transfer
A Cancelled Fresh Cycle
A Failed Fresh Cycle
A Frozen Transfer

One thing I do know is this next 5 days is no different (other than no shots) than if I were doing a fresh transfer. I will be looking for an update either tonight or tomorrow morning on how many of the 11 eggs were fertilized and how many actually 'took'. Because of my experience in February, I also know that I will not receive any further news from the clinic until they are ready to freeze the embryos. I just have to wait, trust and keep my mind distracted from constant worry about my little babies in Tulsa. It is going to be odd not having a fresh transfer after this wait. Having to wait not only days, but weeks and maybe months until I can finally have my babies in me is both scientifically amazing and emotionally draining. 

IVF Math

When you are going through IVF you turn into a bit of a mathematician. You are constantly calculating cycle days, bank account balances and medication dosages. Today, I am calculating how annoying and persistent I will be with my clinic. (Yes, there is a formula for that)

Yesterday, (Wednesday) after our morning appointment, there was a bit of confusion with our patient portal and I thought we were through with our Follistem medication. I was happy on one hand because that meant two less shots every day. On the other hand I was really sad because there were three unopened vials sitting in my fridge. At $500/ vial, that was $1,500 essentially wasted. This made me really thankful that I had decided to only order four vials this time (I had 1.5 left over from my Feb. cycle) instead of the seven I was prescribed. When we did IVF in 2014 I had no clue what I was doing and had no data to go off of and ended up with two and a half unused vials that I tossed nearly three years later. It was so hard to throw that much money in the trash, so I just kept it in the fridge. Not sure what I thought I was going to do with it.

After speaking with our IVF nurse I was relieved to find out that we will continue our shots through at least tomorrow morning (Friday.) This got me to thinking and I started worrying that I was not going to have enough medication in case I had to continue shots. In steps IVF math. (I always liked word problems in school)

Q: I have 2 full vials @ 600 units. I have one opened vial that has had 225 units used, so I have 375 units left in that one, for a total of 1,575 units. I know I have to do 150 units tonight, so that leaves me with 1,425 units after tonight's shot. 

I have to have two shots daily for a combined 350 units/ day. Based on these numbers, how many days of shots do I have left in the fridge, and do I have to order more? 

A: 1425/350=4.07
I should have 4 days of shots left in the fridge, not counting today. That, based on the current dosage gets me through Monday. There is .07 for sure left in the vial and there could be a little over fill as well, so I could, in theory squeeze out about a half a dose or so if I needed to.  

Here is the kicker, I HAVE to know if I will need to continue shots past Monday no later than 3pm (cut off for shipping of medications from the pharmacy) on Friday. Typically, I do not get that information from the clinic until 4pm or later. Yesterday it was actually 6pm. Also, the pharmacy does not ship to deliver on either Sunday or Monday, so in order to have my medications for a potential Tuesday morning shot, I HAVE to have my order in before the Friday deadline. I also have to pay a $20 rush fee to get the over night delivery on Saturday. I think I would rather pay the extra $20 IF I need the medication than to pay $500 now and NOT need the vial.

I will go to my appointment tomorrow and remind them that I have to know ASAP, and as the time gets closer to the deadline, will become more persistent. If I have no answer by 2pm, crazy lady will be released, and she will get the job done. That is how you calculate your annoying factor when doing IVF.

Another calculation you do during IVF is appointments. WILL we or WON'T we have an appointment on __ day, and CAN we make plans? You are provided a basic calendar of events but told that it could change based on appointment results. However, during a cycle, "Ultrasound and blood work appointments will be scheduled for days 5,7 & 9 and then every day or two until you take the trigger injection." This tells me that I should have a Sunday (day 9) morning appointment, but no one knows for sure (yes, I have called them already...).

So, will we or won't we get to go to spend Easter with the cousins in western Oklahoma? If we do get to go, I have to know before the shipping deadline so I can change the delivery address and have the medications shipped to Cam's parent's house or someone else in town that will be around to get it for us.

This is just a little bit of the constant mental stress that goes on during IVF. Nothing is an island and it seems every SINGLE thing in your life is connected to IVF. For example, just going to appointments is stressful. Most of the time Cam is able to go, but there have been a couple of times he can't go, so I have to ask someone else to go with me to watch H while I get my ultrasound. Children are not allowed to go past the waiting room, so someone has to watch him. My options are limited as I have to pick from a selection of people who are both a) not working and b) physically able to watch and control my son in an environment where he is expected to be quiet and not run out the automatic doors and into the busy Tulsa streets.

Rotten Eggs Stink

April 12, 2017 - IVF cycle #3 for baby #2

This morning we had our Day 5 ultrasound. This means an early morning for all of us, which means our schedule is off and we have an odd, sleepy day. Maybe this is part of what I am feeling now, the effects of an early morning, but I am also struggling to maintain a positive attitude.

When you are laying on the little bed and getting an invasive ultrasound, it is never incredibly comfortable. If, during that time the Dr. is making faces and noises that do not sound promising, it is hard to not be concerned. After trying to ignore the feeling of dread, I broke down and asked him about it. He said there were a good number of eggs, but there were a lot of them that are already too big and some more small ones that are trying to pop up. You would think bigger is better, but in IVF, that's just not the case.

This time, as with our February cycle, there is a 'spread' in the size of eggs and the Dr. is concerned with the quality of this crop of eggs. Considering Sunday is Easter, and egg retrieval should be Monday or Tuesday, can I say that my Easter eggs are rotten? (dark humor...?)  He hinted at an earlier retrieval, just as we had to do last time.

I am trying not to jump to the worst-case situation, but it is hard to keep my mood positive. I feel like we are right where we were two months ago. I feel like there isn't much hope for this cycle, like this has been a big waste of time and finances. I am also a little depressed because all this time, I have thought that IVF was the perfect answer for us because Cam was the only one with fertility issues. My body was fertile and there was nothing wrong with me. That is not the case. It was my body all three times this attempt that kept us from getting pregnant. As much as I want to, I don't seem to be able to make a baby right now.

I keep reminding myself that all it takes is one good egg to make a baby, and that it isn't over yet. The cycle has not been canceled yet, and that is a good thing. I keep trying my very best to remind myself that God is in control and that He is not done yet. I keep trying to distract myself and not dwell on what could happen.

I have cried off and on today. On the way home from the Dr. Cam and I were both a little quiet, both taking in the information in our own way. Regardless of the outcome, this cycle is almost the end of a phase in our lives. Unless a miracle happens, or we decide in a couple of years to attempt IVF again, this is our last IVF cycle. We can't afford another cycle and emotionally, I am not sure I could do it again in the foreseeable future. What ever the result in the next week or so, this part of our lives is over.

I am trying not to be disappointed with our lives. This is not what I wanted for my life. Don't get me wrong, I ADORE my son, and I am incredibly thankful for him, but I desperately want him to have a sibling. Having lots of kids was my dream.

I'm sorry for the depressing post. I maybe should have waited for some space and perspective before writing, but as I have really tried to be honest and open about the process, I am sharing this with you as well.

If you are praying for us, please pray with us that I can maintain a positive attitude and that we can be hopeful for what is to come. Pray for that one egg - that's all it takes - and that we have a successful egg retrieval.

Without His sacrifice, there would be no hope

Last night at bible study, we were talking about Palm Sunday and the significance of Christ's sacrifice and that He stayed 'on mission' and went to the Cross, His ultimate goal, despite temptation to give the people what they wanted in the form of an earthly ruler. He asked for the cup to pass from Him, but prayed that in the end God's will be done.

He could have easily given the people what they wanted, but He and His Father knew that what they wanted was not what they truly needed. A worldly kingdom easily passes away, and rulers are temporary and forgotten. What the people thought they wanted was a man in a castle, commanding an army of men. What they got was a Savior on a cross, single handedly defeating Satan's army. The fortress that is our Lord is so much stronger and provides lasting protection against Satan, our enemy. By staying on mission, Jesus was able to defeat sin and death in a powerful blow that would ring out for eternity.

Sometimes it is hard to step back from our own little world and wants and needs and be a 'big picture' person and understand that what we want isn't always  what we need. Our own narrow minded, little picture views tend to get in the way and can even be foot holds for Satan to undermine us with.

I find it interesting that as we were talking about this in our discussion that we began to talk about our shortcomings and all the ways we fall flat as Christians and feel defeated, just when we seem to be going the right way. It seems the more we try to do what we know we need to do, the more we are tempted to stray. I'm not saying that we are thrown huge stumbling blocks, but we are subtly undermined - with excuses to not attend a bible study that would be encouraging, or an encounter that gives you a bad taste in your mouth for the rest of that day.

When I think of Satan's attempts to take down the body of Christ, there are the HUGE and obvious, horrible things, like the attacks in Alexandria yesterday, where worshiping christians were attacked and killed. However, those can be used for the Glory of God. May will come to Christ because of the very attempt to silence Him. Satan knows that. He uses tiny, sometimes 'innocent' distractions, excuses, bad moods and petty arguments, etc. to bring down the stronghold that should be the body of Christ. Most of these can not be been by others and may not even be noticeable and recognizable as challenges or stumbling blocks at the time.

I was thinking about that yesterday and the word undermining kept coming to mind. Of course, there is the typical definition of undermining that everyone thinks of, and it is applicable, but I think of the actual etymology and root of the word.

Modern Undermining Definition: verb (used with object), undermined, undermining. to injure or destroy by insidious activity or imperceptible stages, sometimes tending toward a sudden dramatic effect. to attack by indirect, secret, or underhand means; attempt to subvert by stealth.

Etymology of Undermining: Undermining was originally a method for bringing down a castle wall by digging a tunnel under the wall, then collapsing the tunnel. (I would add, that this can not be seen from the ground level - it all happens under ground, invisible to those above)

Countermining: A counter mine is a mine dug to allow defenders to attack miners, or destroy a mine threatening their fortifications. 

It doesn't take very many conversations with me to discover I have some what of a passion for history. I absolutely love that no event is an island. Everything one does, every thing that happens has a ripple effect and can effect history significantly for good or for bad. I also love understanding history and the 'back story' of so much of the world and politics, culture, religion and even the reason we use the words we use. Bear with me as I entice (or bore) you with a bit of history.

Undermining is a concept taken from medieval warfare. The undermining of a castle wall or tower was one of the most feared events by medieval land owners and Lords.

In order to undermine, they would dig a subterranean passage under the walls or tower of the castle for the purpose of gaining access or to collapse the structure.

Mining was in response to the stone keeps, towers, and walls that could not be burned or battered down with primitive siege engines. While digging the tunnel, the sappers would build wooden supports. After completing the tunnel, kindling mixed with hog fat, would be placed near the wooden supports. After the placement of all the flammable material the men would be ordered to leave the tunnel, with the exception of the torchman. He would set the tunnel on fire and run for the tunnel opening. As the wooden tunnel supports burned they would collapse, the stone walls, or towers would also collapse. 

At times, the tunnel would collapse pre-maturely and trap all who were doing the tunnel work. Mining was a very risky type of employment, and not for the faint of heart. Countermining was often the only defense against the mining attack, and in order to counter mine a tunnel, you had to dig deeper and you had to dig several tunnels, not knowing exactly where the enemy tunnel would be. The goal was to collapse the enemy tunnel before his could reach your castle walls. 

In order to countermine, you had to think ahead and be prepared. You had to be aware of the weaknesses of your castle and know where the enemy would most likely attack. Because medieval people were nearly constantly at war, they knew that attacks were almost inevitable, and often would have countermines prepared for the attack that was sure to come in the future. Another way they defended against the effects of countermining was by building strong round towers that were more able to stand firm even when undermined or even hit with trebuchets. 

The name of the LORD is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.~Proverbs 18:10

Tie them on your fingers as a reminder. Write them deep within your heart.~Proverbs 7:3 

Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.~Deut 11:18

Being prepared ahead of time, when we relate this back to our Enemy, Satan, is to know what the Sword of the Spirit (the bible) has to say. It means being ware of yourself and your own weaknesses, and surrendering them to the Lord and asking for fortification that you can stand and stand strong against the attacks that WILL come your way. It is recognizing that the enemy is out there and he is real. It is knowing that you are not alone and the army of the Lord is behind you. It is being open with your fellow members of the Body of Christ and allowing them to stand with you in your struggle or weakness, and being in prayer together and for one another. 

Being prepared is making sure you have a firm foundation for your faith and standing strong on that foundation, even when the world around you seems to be crumbling. 

“Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”~Matthew 7:24-27

“Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I tell you?  Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.”~Luke 6:46-49

Another way to protect against undermining was to build your castle on solid ground that could not be excavated using primitive tools. Dover Castle is a medieval castle in Dover, Kent that is a great example of building a castle on rock. It was founded in the 11th century and has been described as the "Key to England" due to its defensive significance throughout history. It is the largest castle in England and is one of few that are described as completely 'intact'. It was never successfully undermined or overtaken. It was used for centuries as a military stronghold and even played a strategic role in WWII and was a planned fortress escape during the Cold War. 

Because of the solid rock it was built on, attempts were made to undermine it but it always successfully defended its self against invasion. There was hand-to-hand combat, but it was never overtaken. It has stood the test of time as a fortress and as a symbol of a great nation. 

Thank you for indulging my love of history. The information may have been a bit much, but I hope you see the importance of the history and the significance of understanding the meaning. Military history and strategy is not just for medieval kings and Lords, it is for God's people as well. We are fighting a spiritual battle every day that we have no hope of wining except for using the 'battle plans' and 'weapons' given to us in God's word. If we bind the Word of God on our hearts and prepare our lives for following the Lord, we will be prepared for what comes our way. Some days we may feel defeated or scared, or not capable of fighting on our own, but that is where our fellow believers come in and lift us up. "Where two or more are gathered in My name, there I am also!" In the end, we must never forget that God is on our side. The same Jesus who died on a wooden cross, was buried and raised again, who defeated sin and satan is at our front, back, and flanking both of our sides and is fighting for us. He has charge of armies of angles who are God's warriors and are fighting for us even when we do not realize it. 

The significance of Jesus dying on the cross and staying on-mission is to give us tools to defeat satan and to be able to have hope for an eternity with Him. Without His sacrifice, there would be no hope. Had he simply given the people what they wanted, he would have literally been King of the Jews, and no one else. Salvation and hope for the future would not even be a concept. Grace and salvation based on the blood of Jesus would not be either. Any forgiveness would only be done by man and by blood shed of an animal.

Our entire social structure and lives as most of us know it would be unimaginably different had it not been for the Cross. Human rights issues, Health Care, Education, Economic Development, Democracy, Science, etc. has all been either a direct result of christianity or furthered because of it. 
Check out this website for a great list of good things that have developed out of the christian faith. 

As we go into Holy week, and we reflect on the importance of Jesus' death, I am incredibly thankful for the life I am able to live because of it. 

Honorable Service

For better or for worse, one thing I know about myself is I am a tough love person. I am empathetic and I love others, but I tend to err on the side of discipline, order and reason. Decisions aren't made as much out of emotion, but facts. Things done for others are because I truly feel a need to do them, never just because others are doing them or because someone else tells me they think I need to do x.

Maybe this is a bit of stubbornness and independence, I don't know. Most of the time this serves me well. I have done things for others and when I do, it is usually done in private as much as possible. Sometimes the person I've served doesn't even know I am the one who served them, let alone the rest of the world. When people make a big show about their service, it hits me the wrong way. It makes me want to not serve or to participate because it seems it is done for the accolades, not for the act of service in and of its self.

Often, when I feel called to service, my logical mind says, "They won't even notice the little I can do" or "I'm too busy," or "I'm not in the place financially right now." I use reason and logic to get out of doing something when it's not an obvious need. As a self-reliant person who hates asking for help, helping others in ways I am not usually comfortable receiving help is awkward to me.

The reason I tell you this is because I want to be clear that while, I don't do it often, I do give and I do serve. However, I have recently been feeling like I could do more. We have been studying honorable service at church for over a month now. We are studying what it looks like to serve the Lord and the many areas of life that touches. One of the ways to serve the Lord is to serve and bless others. Sometimes, when you feel the need, not just when they ask for help. Sometimes service is just doing something unexpected and kind for someone. I am learning to look for those little ways I can begin serving others on a regular basis and not just when a real need arises.

One of the ways I feel I serve is by writing this Blog. Most of the posts are about our infertility journey, and I feel a burden to share that journey as hope and encouragement for others in the same situation. My goal is to help raise awareness so others do not feel alone in their infertility journey. I also want to be a part of the change in conversation that takes infertility from a taboo subject of conversation to an open and honest topic. I want to change the view from just creating life to honoring and valuing life, even in the smallest form. Infertility is more than just a medical diagnosis and subsequent treatment. It is a life-changing issue that touches every part of your life. It is financial and emotional trauma. It is physical torture and marital problems. It is stress and exhaustion and hope and even failure. Many times there is no explanation and many couples do not make it through the process together.

I want to help change people's view of infertility and treatment. I want to be that voice of experience that says you can not only make it through infertility, but you can thrive in and through it together, as a couple with God as your support and your guide. I want to stress the importance of not thinking of this as making an embryo - a clump of cells- but of creating LIFE, and valuing said life as if were already a child. Infertility from a christian worldview is different and does not have to be as depressing. Yes, there are still hurts and I still cry, but I know the one who has the plans for my life in the palm of His hand, and I know that even if I don't see it, He is not done with me yet.

I know I have helped several couples by sharing our story, and this in turn blesses me more than I can say. There have been times it was hard to write out my emotions. It has been hard to be open and honest with how I am dealing with this IVF round that never seems to end. Getting through the day and keeping my family together is an accomplishment some days. Finding time to write and to share from my heart what is happening in our private lives is sometimes difficult. Most of the time I feel silly for writing. I sometimes forget about the people I have helped and wonder why I keep going.

I am not saying that we are perfect in any way - far from it. But I have been faithful in this task I feel He has put before me. I have continued to write, even when it is hard. I have looked for ways to serve others, (even in my own, small ways - baby steps) and I am working on my heart in relation to finding new ways to serve. I have found that God rewards His faithful people.

As you know by now, IVF is not cheap. On top of IVF, I have had some minor heath issues (headaches mainly) that we have been treating with chiropractic visits 2x/ week. We just found out today that our house needs four piers (the corner has decided to take a walk and go down the hill a bit) and the list goes on. When it rains, it pours. We are managing, and we would never ask for help in a million years. God has provided for us, and we are hanging in there. Some weeks, it is harder than others, but He is faithful, and we are taken care of and have never been in real need.

I got a design job last week that gave us money were not expecting. This weekend, we were unexpectedly given some $ by a family member. It paid for our trip to my parent's house plus some. THEN, when we got home from that trip, we had a card in the mail. It was from some cousins who told us they were praying for us and felt lead to help us financially with our IVF cycle. Enclosed was a check. I hesitate to even tell you about this, because I am not sure if I should. We looked at that check, and I cried. We are undeserving, and humbled and thankful for the blessing that check was to us. My first thought was to call them and tell them we couldn't accept it, but that didn't seem like the right thing to do.

They said that they had prayed about it and felt lead to help us. We had been praying that God would help us through all of this and show us how we are to proceed. Our cousins showed us what Honorable Service is. They followed what they felt God was leading them to do and they blessed us more than they could  have imagined. They were also an example to me of serving others - something I've already said I have been struggling with and finding ways to try to do so.

Please do not think that I am saying that I believe in a health/ wealth / prosperity gospel. I have never subscribed to that theology, and I think that technically, it is opposite of what I believe. We are promised nothing more than that God will be near His faithful during the trials that WILL come our way. He never says that we won't see the trials, but that He will be with us through them. He could have prompted someone to simply send an encouragement card, and that would have been touching and having the reminder that we have people praying for us would have been amazing.

He didn't though. He provided for our need, even when we didn't ask for help. He knew what was coming our way and provided for us. It was because of cousins who were faithful to God that He was able to work. This is such a good reminder that God is a big picture person. When we feel prompted to serve, even if it isn't something big, like a check, we should do it. Our actions and thoughts really do have an impact on others, even when we don't see it. I am reminded of the many times I have had little prompting to do something for someone and used that logic, or my busy schedule as an excuse not to follow that prompting. I wonder how many blessings I have robbed God of giving because I didn't listen to that voice? I'm not saying I need to give everything up and live in a hut so I can take care of everyone, but taking that happy hour Dr. Pepper to that friend, just because, or buying that flower and surprising someone... those things matter too. Lord, help me to listen when you call me to service in the future.