It is through the darkness that the light shines the brightest.

Going through loss and grief is never something you want to do or plan for as a part of your life. We are often tempted (I know I am) to question it and the God who allowed it to happen. Somewhere along the line I think the message was perverted and people began to believe that if you trust and follow God that bad things won't happen. Even people of great faith have made those claims. Death, destruction, war and pain are a part of life on this earth, and while I believe that God is powerful enough to take away those things, He won't. It is a result of the fall in the garden of Eden. Only when we die and are joined again with God will we see that promise of perfection fulfilled. Until that time, we have to live by faith and trust in God, even when it is hard to do.

Having said that, I fully believe that God works in miraculous and wondrous ways every day in the lives of his people. I choose to see those miracles in life that others might call 'coincidence'. My IVF process (both this one and the one in 2014) alone has been full of these little miracles. They do not take away the pain in the world, or the heart ache of loss, but they serve to remind me and to strengthen my faith. These little things that I choose to label as miracles and to give God glory for are what gives me strength and fortifies the foundations of my faith for those times when I am tempted to doubt God. It is through the darkness that the light shines the brightest.

Friday the 27th of January I woke up after sleeping well (unmedicated)  for the first time in several days. I had gone to bed in a good place emotionally and spiritually and woke excited for a fun weekend with family. I was shocked and surprised to find that dear aunt flow had visited me in the night. This was a completely unexpected kind of drop-by visit and I was actually concerned. I contacted my Dr. (who wasn't concerned) and who gave me a little sliver of hope. If I continued to bleed, they would consider this day one of my cycle. This information raised a lot more questions in my mind, but as it was a Friday, I would have to sit on those questions until Monday when everyone was back in the office.

We dedicated Henry this weekend, and my family drove up to be there for it. I was incredibly thankful for the distraction so I was not tempted to dwell on what was going on with my body and our IVF cycle for a couple of days. We had twelve people in our house for two days and it was a crazy mess. We went bowling and had so much fun! I love having my family around and seeing the relationship H has with his cousins. Watching him play and seeing his imagination at work as he and his cousin went hunting for monsters and dinosaurs was adorable. I think they bagged several. (WHEW! I was glad to get those out of my house. :D )

Sunday I was proud to have my family stand with us as we dedicated H to the Lord. We promised before the church family to raise H to serve, honor and love God. They pledged to help us to do so and our family did so as well. Knowing that I have a circle of family and friends who support us in our decision to raise H with Christian values and to follow the Lord is something incredibly powerful.

I woke up early this morning, Monday January 30th, (still bleeding BTW) and checked to see if I had any messages from my Dr. I was fully expecting to have to go to Tulsa for an ultrasound and blood work. This is what happened last time, so I wasn't completely crazy for thinking that. No news was waiting for me. I wouldn't get any news from them until about 8:45am, which was a little difficult, but I am learning to wait.

To my surprise, I wouldn't have to have another ultrasound. This was great news as I was not looking forward to paying for it again. They told me they were working on a flow sheet for my cycle and asked for a medication inventory to make sure I had enough. They didn't specifically state that I was going to be starting another cycle, but they definitely said enough that my hopes were raised. I was also told to start birth control pills today.

After a call to my husband and my mother, telling them the good news, I snuggled my son for a while and did some laundry. I then checked back with my portal messages, hoping to have more information, and I was not disappointed. They had my flow sheet ready to go with directions on medications, etc. I am officially back in an IVF cycle! They considered the 28th (Saturday) the first day of the cycle. I take BCP until the 9th and then go back in for an ultrasound and blood work on the 10th.

This is not what I had planned, it is one month almost to the day behind the schedule I had originally planned for, but it is reality, and I am thankful for it. I am also extremely thankful that I will only have to be on those dreaded pills for 11 days total. (vs. the 30 days I was on it before) As an added blessing, I had 14 BCP pills left from last month, so I do not have to mess with getting more medications. We will have to pay for this upcoming ultrasound and blood work, but everything else from then on should still be covered by our original IVF payment.

I totally feel this is a miracle. I've never in my life had two periods in one month, but I did this month. This means I was able to join the earlier IVF cycle and not have to wait until April. This means I will still get to be pregnant at the same time as my sister. Yes, it won't be as long as I had planned, but I will get that experience.

I truly think we sometimes limit God to our own understanding and doubt Him because we see through our limited earthly, human vision. If he wants something to happen, it will. He has shown that to me this month. This entire month as been about trust and faith and "leaning not on my own understanding".

No, things are NOT what I had planned. I was hoping for a September / October baby. Instead, I will probably have another November baby (possibly two!) This means five of my parent's eight grand babies will be November babies. Add that to Thanksgiving and some more family birthdays, November is going to be a crazy mess for years to come. I was trying to avoid that. God thought it would be fun for us to have a moth full of celebrations. My brother called it the party month. Why not?

God knows the plans He has for us. They are not always what we have in mind, but that does not make them any less perfect. On the contrary, His plans are often so much better than ours. I think My body was too sick and weak to handle the IVF process and medications in January. God allowed them to cancel the cycle but he also Provided for another cycle way sooner than anyone would have dreamed.

I had said I would praise God through all circumstances but this was hard.

It seems I haven't written in ages, but it has only been a couple of weeks. Since my last post, in which I was preparing to begin the stimulation phase of our IVF cycle,  a lot of life has been lived. I am just now in a place where I have some time and energy to get some thoughts into print.

There is a lot of information, so I guess I will go in chronological order. Sorry for the length.

I feel I can not make this blog post without at least mentioning the passing of my aunt. My last day of visiting my parents we got a call that aunt Judy had died. We were sad of course, but we celebrated that she was finally free from her disease. Judy had ALS, a horrific disease that slowly paralyzed her. Her funeral was such an encouragement to me. It came just as I was in the middle of our IVF cycle, and just before the cycle was canceled. My uncle (and cousins, who spoke) was a great example of strength to me. He was able to speak at the service for his wife and tell how he was praising Jesus through it all. He talked about continuing his call to be a minister, etc. He also spoke about Judy and what she was able to accomplish with her life despite her fears and human limitations and failings. It really spoke to me about trust in the Lord and his timing and strength. Fear and trust are big struggles for me and to have it talked about in the life of a woman who was always so strong and confident (to me) encouraged me.

The day after the funeral my husband came home saying he was not feeling well. This was a Friday. By Saturday morning, I was not feeling 100%, but wasn't convinced I was sick. Saturday afternoon we sent H to his grandmas house, and he ended up staying there with only the briefest of visits home until Tuesday afternoon. For a mama who had only spent a few hours away from her baby, this was its own form of torture. However, Cam and I were SO sick we would not have been able to care for him, so we were grateful for the help and grandparents who were willing to adjust their plans and schedules to take care of him.

Sunday morning, the 15th,  despite both of us being sick, I started my stimulation injections and oral medications. One pill and two shots per day. These medications and their side effects would not help me get any better the next several days. After being sick and away from my child for 4 days, I finally went to the dr. After sitting miserably for what seemed to be hours, I finally saw the dr. Turns out, I had a fever of 102.8 and a sinus infection! They scheduled me for a flu test. While we were sitting in the room, waiting for the Dr. to get tests ordered, etc. We got a call that our child was also sick. I broke down and cried right there in the office. I was hormonal, sick, overwhelmed and exhausted. I was having hot flashes that rivaled any menopausal woman and I was DONE.

After much shuffling and my first ever flu test (wow! that is an experience!) and a dr.'s appointment for H, we all tested positive for the Flu. Hundreds of dollars later in Tamiflu (which I only learned after isn't that great and I probably wouldn't have taken it) and hours of Cam dealing with the pharmacy and insurance, etc. (despite him not feeling well either) we were all home together, snuggling on the couch.

Being the proactive, nervous person I am, of course, I got in touch with my IVF Dr. as soon as I had my diagnosis. I did hear back from them pretty quickly that they *might* cancel my cycle because of the high fever, my weak body, etc. but I had no definitive answer. Cam still gave me my shot that night and the next morning, just in case we were able to continue our cycle. I was hoping against hope, praying, crossing my fingers and pacing the floor by the time I got the call from our Dr. on Wednesday morning. It was not what I wanted to hear. They canceled my cycle and told me that I would most likely not be able to do it again before April.

What a blow. The phrase about kicking a man when he is down comes to mind. I had posted on Facebook about not being able to handle any more, and then my son gets sick and we get our diagnosis of the flu. Then, the next day our cycle gets canceled. I cried and cried. I would cry as soon as I woke up from a nap (which I did a lot ) and would cry myself to sleep. The smallest of things would turn on the tap for more tears. This only added to the horrible headache that wouldn't go away (partly because of the sinus infection and fu... so, not fun)

I immediately felt depressed and miserable. While, no, I was not pregnant yet, I really felt like I had just lost a baby on top of everything else. I had been planning for this baby. I had calculated the due date and had done all the things you do when you are expecting. I had been in the process of making this baby since NOVEMBER! I had prayed for what I was convinced was going to be my baby. By the time this baby was going to be here, I was going to feel like I had been pregnant for a whole year. I had begun hormone injections, etc. I had planned to be pregnant already when I turned 30 in February. Now, I was going to turn 30 and not only would I not be pregnant but I would most likely be on birth control, which makes me a miserable human being.

While I had said I would praise God through all circumstances, this was hard. Saying you will give God glory for a situation you really don't think will happen is easy. Actually putting that into practice is difficult. My heart was numb and broken. Every plan I had made for this baby and my family was gone. I didn't feel God had abandoned me, but I felt so crushed by the weight of my own expectations.

One of the biggest expectations that I was looking forward to most was being pregnant at the same time as my sister. She is due in April and I was so excited to be able to share in the pregnancy experience with her. That this was not going to happen was just too much. This was my only shot at this dream. She is on her fourth pregnancy, and has no plans for a fifth. (number four wasn't planned either...)

Looking back, I don't think that giving God praise excludes you from being human and grieving loss. Praising even when you are hurting and feeling crushed under the weight of your circumstances is hard, but I think, normal. Praising God for what you know will come after the storm is what matters. Knowing that there will be a rainbow is encouraging. Just because we know and trust that God has a plan does not mean that you will not experience pain and disappointment along the way. It is how you act in the pain that matters. I cried and I mourned, but I knew, even in the very middle of my pain that my story was not over. I knew that there was hope. My heart still hurt and I still questioned why (inquisitively, not acquisitively - there is a difference) but I knew who held my heart and I knew I would move on.

I was working on moving on and dealing with my pain. I was making new plans and praying for this new batch of eggs that would be that new baby I was hoping for. We stayed in the house for another week after getting sick, just to make sure we didn't give our illness to anyone else. It was tiring and we were getting cabin fever, but it was for the best.

Henry and I had our first outing with other people on Thursday the 26th. We had a full day planned including a breakfast date, bible study and lunch with some family (who are also our friends - we love our family!) At bible study, I got to meet a new friend, which is always fun. I also got the opportunity to tell about our experience and what had gone down since I had been at bible study last. One of the ladies in the study has actually gone through IVF as well, so at least one person really understood what I was talking about.

We moved past talking about IVF into the meat of the study. It was just what I needed to hear and what I think my heart needed at the moment for that final push to move past the grief of our canceled cycle.

"For we live by faith, not by sight."
2 Cor. 5:7

We talked about having faith in God despite our own limitations.

"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
1 Cor. 15:58

We prayed to be able to be an example to our children and to world that believing in God and in his timing and perfect plan is not in vain. Believing in something bigger and better than we have planned is never a bad thing. Being able to let go of our plans and trust in God's is hard but necessary.

"The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves. But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin."Romans 14:22-23

Lastly, we talked about the implications of "Everything that does not proceed from faith is sin."  Making plans and living your life is not a bad thing. Trusting that God is a vital part of a medial procedure and that no matter what, He is in control of it is good. However, Being a nervous wreck and not being able to fully let go of the process and give it to God is not. To think of it in the terms of it being a sin if it does not come from and proceed from a place of faith and trust in God is huge.

This had a big impact on my thought process and my healing process. That evening I went to bed in a good place emotionally for the first time in almost two weeks. Things weren't going just as I had planned, and the waiting was going to seem so long, but I knew that my God had it under control. My faith set me free from the worry about tomorrow.

To save you from a post that never ends, I will leave it here and finish the story on the next post.

Pray, Wait, Trust

Tomorrow I start my injections. I have watched the training videos and I have the medications and needles all ready to go. There is nothing more I can do right now except wait, and trust that this is going to come out the way it is supposed to.

The stimulation phase of IVF can last anywhere from nine to fourteen days. Because every one of these days in this period is filled with some form of injections, pills, blood draws,  waiting and more waiting, it can seem like an eternity. At this point we have been waiting (sometimes not so patiently) since early November to start this cycle.  We are now just starting the actual process but actually SO close to the end. It is January 14th, and we are probably going to have the entire procedure completed before the end of the month.

After all this time, you would think I would be an expert at waiting, but I am NOT. I need constant reminders to slow down and to trust the Lord. My strength comes from Him and goodness knows I need as much of it as possible to get through what I am going to be going through.

I have decided to compile a list of verses to get me through this waiting period. I know I made a similar post recently, but that's ok, one can never have too many scriptures to turn to.  I am choosing this day to serve God and to find delight in His word and His promises to me.

Even if, in the end we do not end up with a baby, I will praise Him because He has sustained me through this process.

1. But you, oh Lord are a shield for me, my glory and the one who lifts up my head.
    Psalm 3:3

2. I will walk by faith even when I can not see.
    2 Corinthians 5:7

3. Be still and know that I am with you.
    Psalm 46:10

4. Do not be afraid for I am with you. Don't be discouraged , for I am your God. I will strengthen you    
    and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
    Isaiah 41:10

5. But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me.
    2 Timothy 4:17

6. When you've done everything you can do, that's when God will step in and do what you can't do.
     2 Corinthians 12:10

7. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.
    Psalm 37:7

8. People can plan what they want to do but it is the Lord who guides their steps.
    Proverbs 16:9

9. The Pain that you have been feeling can't compare to the joy that is coming.
    Romans 8:18

10. God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing. All you need is faith.
      Joel 2:5

11. Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.
      Luke 1:45

12. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer.
      Romans 12:12

13. Wait my daughter until you learn how the matter turns out.
       Ruth 3:18

14. Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You.
      Psalm 143:8

Surviving IVF Together

Infertility and fertility treatments can be incredibly stressful and has historically have lead to the demise of many, many previously good marriages. I have talked about this before, so you know my thoughts on this issue. To me, like any other challenge facing a couple, it should be dealt with and faced together.

The challenge though is knowing how to make this happen. How do you navigate the unknown when you are so full of emotions? What does it look like to come together and support each other during this time?

"The experience of difficulties to conceive can have a profound effect on a couple’s relationship, and this is unique to each individual couple. Most are unprepared for the emotional upheaval of facing and accepting their situation, and the subsequent treatment."
~IVF.com/AU

Men and women react to infertility differently. Women are seen as the ones to guard the emotions and take responsibility for the feelings and emotions of their husbands and families. If like me, you bottle all your feelings for months, holding them in check, you will eventually explode. My husband says that he expects an emotional eruption every few months and prepares for it. I was almost offended about this at first, but then I realized that I am not alone, and actually, this is almost normal, and many women feel this way. With IVF it is even worse. With all the medications and the emotional turmoil, the financial responsibility, the constant appointments, etc. those blowups happen more often. I do try to get my emotions under control and work them out for myself before I get to that blow up point, (and this blog really helps me) but it doesn't always happen.

Men, or at least my husband, is the provider, the protector. While he is probably more open than a lot of men, trying to have a good, deep conversation about our emotions is not exactly easy. He tries, and he sympathizes with my over emotional state but he does not truly empathize or understand. He is the logical one who's way of supporting and helping me is to solve my problems. The issue is that, especially where infertility is concerned, he can't help. He can't change it.

These two viewpoints clash... more than I would like to admit. I don't need a knight in shining armor, I need a shoulder to cry on. He doesn't need me to feel his emotions for him or try to dig them out with a spoon. He needs me to understand that he cares very deeply about what is going on, even though he doesn't get emotional about it.

"Once a couple has been confirmed Suitable for IVF, participation in treatment is a relief; however, partners often rate the technique itself as highly stressful, with women generally experiencing this stress to a greater degree than men. Women handle treatment stress quite differently than men: a 2006 study revealed that they seek to support and talk about the difficulties, where as men distance themselves or engage in problem-solving behavior. The stress can actually get in the way of IVF success because it reduces both sperm quality and the chance of an embryo developing inside the womb."
~ IVF & Ever After by Nichola Bedos

I usually don't do anything only half way. My emotions are no exception. Often Cam can get overwhelmed with my intense emotions, just as I tend to not understand him and his view point. Even though it is not required by Cam, I feel I need to take responsibility for most of the IVF process, as well as the emotional aspects. I am often tempted to obsess over our IVF cycle and have everything planned for and laid out to the very best of my ability. As all of this tumbles about my head and spills out of me, all over the house in the form of notes and charts and medications and I know he thinks I am slightly crazy and obsessed. 

Luckily, he has learned to keep those thoughts to himself. (OK, we have already established he is good at that) However, sometimes I wish he could read my mind. Sometimes, despite my over-organization and preparation, I feel out of control and don't know how to ask Cam for what I need from him. Heck, most days I don't even know what I need, so putting it into words seems almost impossible.

With one of us trying to solve a problem seemingly unsolvable and one of us trying to
organize away the problem, we get on separate wavelengths. I'm not saying there is constant discord and strife, don't let me paint a picture of a house of constant mourning. However, there are days when our (ok, my) emotions get too big for me to hold all on my own. This is when we both set aside our own persons and come together as a couple, clinging to each other. In the end, we are not going against each other, but are fighting together against this infertility foe. 

On the days when it isn't so obvious what we need, on the 6 days a week that we are just living life, there are things we can do to help each other get through the IVF process. We are a team, a partnership and we have a single goal in mind. 

COMMUNICATIONHonestly, a lot of my communication happens on this blog, which he reads, but we do talk. We pray together before bed and it helps to know how the other person is feeling in the moment, and not just over all. Dream together and enjoy the process. It doesn't have to be all gloom and doom, shots and blood draws. You can dare to dream big. Voice your dreams for your future out loud to one another and laugh and cry together.  

ASK, DON'T ASSUMEGuys, don't assume there is something you can fix, try starting with a hug (and maybe some chocolate) and then go from there. Girls, don't assume your husbands are going to understand why you are crying over the carrots you are cutting up for dinner. 

HUSBANDS, YOU ARE WANTED (NEEDED)Even when you feel like you aren't needed, you are. Through most of the process, everything is going to be about your wife. Your contribution, beyond financial won't take too long and beyond being a little embarrassing, isn't painful (although, your bank account might hurt a little.) Please, don't think your responsibility ends there.
Your bride needs you to support her through out the entire process. She needs to feel like this is as important to you as it is to her and not something she has to deal with on her own. Adjust your work schedule as much as possible so you can attend as many of the appointments as you can. Offer to administer her shots and keep track of them. And when she's tired, overwhelmed and anxious and just needs to burrow into a pillow mound with dark chocolate and Netflix, let her. Don't get frustrated with her or feel helpless. Make her a cup of tea, give her a hug and tell her you appreciate what she is doing for you, your family and your future. (And bring her more chocolate)

YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT A WOMANAs much as he may try to understand you, you did not marry a woman. If you need someone to talk with about every single little detail (and your husband has tried to listen to it, but doesn't respond in the gushing emotionally supportive way you had hoped) be thankful for all of his other good qualities and go for coffee with a good friend. You can not expect your husband to shoulder all of your emotional needs all on his own during this time. He has his own (even if it doesn't seem so) emotions to deal with. 

SHARE THE PROCESSThis one is harder for me. Cam takes care of most of the 'office' work in our family, bills, etc. BUT, when it comes to baby stuff, and IVF, that is my territory. I make the appointments, I keep track of the medications and bills. He is happy to let me do it, and it gives me a sense of control in this process that is so out of control. Share about the concerns and also your hopes (there are a lot of those) you have for your IVF. Dream together and laugh together about your visions of your future.
Allow your husband to administer your medications. You may hate him at times because he keeps stabbing you with a needle, but it is so nice to have him involved. 

DON'T PLAY THE BLAME GAMEOne thing I think I learned quite early in the process is that it didn't matter why we were having to get treatments. I had to let go of the fact that I am 'fertile Myrtle' and I have to go through all of this treatment because my husband has an issue. It doesn't matter. It just doesn't. I am getting treatment for an issue he has, and it is ok. If he had cancer, I would gladly take treatments for him if I could. This is much easier than chemo and has a much better end goal.
My husband is very sweet, and he is super sensitive to my emotions. I'm not sure if this comes naturally, or if he works at it, but he always knows when I need a hot bath and some peppermint tea. During this process he is so kind to me. He actually hates giving me the shots every day. He hates that he is the reason I have to go through this process. However, he does it. He never shrinks away, even when the needles are large and my back side is running out of places to administer medication. 

USE YOUR WORDSDecide before you ever start the process if you are going to share about it. Consider that one of you may want to be more private than the other. If one of you doesn't want to share and your spouse does, make a compromise and tell only close friends and family. One suggestion I have some across is to make a secret group on fb for posting updates about your IVF cycle.
Adding the stress of secrecy to this already painful and emotional process is unwise. In our first IVF cycle, I had this blog, but it was not posted publicly, and no one except a few close family members knew I was writing it. I also talked in person with my family and friends. I am a one who uses more than my fair share of words a day (shocker) and I needed to share my story. I needed to talk about everything going on and process it with those who love me. I'm not sure Cam actually shared with anyone outside family, but I know that he talked about it with his parents and best friend.
Do not set unrealistic sharing expectations.  I have read about a lot of people not telling even their parents about their IVF journey. This is crazy to me. Most of the time this ends in some kind of argument or misunderstanding because someone said or did something that put the IVF couple on edge or some such thing. Much of this could be avoided if you are open to begin with. This will not assure you people will always respond with understanding or in a sensitive manner, but at least everyone is on the same page.

Here are a couple of resources I have found helpful in understanding the roles of both husband and wife in the IVF process. I know you feel alone in your struggle. Ironically, almost everyone who goes through this process also feels this way. Reading these documents and recognizing so much of what I feel and think was reassuring. 

I found Nurturing Your Relationship During Fertility Treatment by IVF Australia full of great information. I encourage everyone going through an infertility treatment to read it. There are a lot of great ideas for surfing this IVF thing and even coming out a stronger couple.

This presentation is more concise and to the point, but still informative.

Remember, you are not alone. Even on the darkest of days, you have each other and you have God. Together, the three of you can get through anything.

What they don't tell you about IVF

My first IVF cycle was almost a surprise. There was no buildup, no waiting for my period to start, etc. (Read through past blog posts for more of my story) Even our consultation (three years ago today btw) was supposed to be for a sperm donor and we were prepared to leave not really having made any progress or plans. Because of this, I didn't have time to know what could go wrong, or research the snot out of the procedure, medications, etc. I just lived it.

In one sense, that was easier on me. I just went with the flow and did what I needed to do as it was presented to me. I didn't have a road map to go by and didn't know what to expect.

This time, I am a seasoned veteran and -for better or for worse- I have expectations based on my experience and the research I have now done. The following is a (LONG) list of things I am glad I know now.

ENJOY!

1. When they say IVF costs __ amount, they are talking about the IVF procedure proper. This does NOT include testing before the procedure, medications, prenatal care at the clinic, etc. The additional cost for IVF on top of the IVF procedure can be about $10k. Be prepared. 

2. You will have to be on BCP for anywhere from two weeks to a month. This seems counter-productive, but it is important. 

3. Even though insurance won't cover IVF, clinics (ours any way) require it to be on file. We did get about $1k covered in testing, blood work, etc. so, that was a nice surprise. 

4. In the spirit of #3, you will be booked for more than one appointment at a time. Our clinic has an online patient portal platform for communications, etc. with us. This is where we can see upcoming appointments and view instructions, etc. On here, I see that I am booked for four appointments. My understanding is that insurance might cover the cost of blood work or an ultrasound, so this is simply a billing code issue. I only have one appointment but I have 4 things happening. 

5. BCP is killer. I have never reacted well to BCP, and this time is no exception. Headaches, mood swings, anxiety, and the list goes on. 

6. Make room in your fridge for your meds. You will get a huge box of meds sent to you. All your medication will be paid for and delivered to you at once. You will have these lovely boxes of meds taunting you and waiting for you in your fridge while you wait to start stims. 

7. Ask for numbing cream. Ice helps some, but it actually makes the skin tighter, which can make the shot hurt more in the end. My dr. gave me lidocaine cream for my injections, and I loved it. I put it on and put a little patch over it and let it sit for about 30 minutes before getting my shot. I still ended up with sore and swollen haunches, but the numbing cream really helped. 

8. You will swell. IVF weight gain is a real thing. before I was through with the procedure, I looked like I was already a couple of months pregnant. When you inject medications in your tummy, you swell. 

9. You will be tired. SO tired. Add the tired to the headaches and nausea and you will want to crawl into a small hole. My first IVF, I did just that. I was home alone most days and I binge watched Netflix and stayed in bed on my bad days. This time I have a toddler to take care of, so I won't be able to do that. Sad. 

10. Follistem medication is super easy to administer, and you feel like a secret agent or a spy when you use it. It comes in a cool zipper case with an injection pen. These are the only shots I can do for myself. 

11. Even if you are wonder woman and can do your shots yourself, let your husband do it. (If he wants to) there isn't much he can do to help you through this time. He will feel helpless and like he is a little out of the loop on this whole process. Having Cam give me my shots and be involved daily in this way helped him to feel more in on the whole process and made me feel better about not being in it alone. It gave me a sense of camaraderie with him that we were going through it together. 

12. Some shots hurt and burn when going in. The shot its self usually isn't that bad. The medication entering your body is what burns. There isn't much you can do for this. Just be brave. This too will pass. 

13. Progesterone shots. These are super thick. When you do these shots, be sure and warm up the oil a bit before you administer it. I have heard of some people drawing it up into the needle and then putting the safety cap back on it and then warming it up. You can rub the syringe between the palms of your hands or, you can put it in your bra between your boobs for a few minutes. You laugh, but it works. Even after you warm it, inject this medicine slowly. Do not try to do it too fast. 

14. You will leak. I ruined a set of amazing sheets and a blanket because my injection site leaked. After the PIO injection, I always put a cotton ball over it and also a large band aid. Some days this was enough. Some days it wasn't. If you are afraid of ruining good bedding, use cheap stuff, or sleep on a puppy pad. seriously. Those are the same thing as the bed liner things used in the hospital but are much cheaper. 

15. Set an alarm so you never forget your meds. It is hard to think of a reason you might forget your meds, but, believe me, it does happen. I never missed a shot in my first round, except for one PIO shot, which I didn't forget, but missed entirely because I was locked out of my London flat (we were visiting some friends) and was forced to stay in a hotel. I was sick that I had missed my shot but it was ok. The dr. wasn't worried. 

16. Constipation. As with early pregnancy, constipation will haunt you. I was great friends with raisin bran and prune juice and I ate a lot of fruit to try to unblock my system. All those hormones do horrible things to your colon and it protests. Colace was also a great friend during this time. It was the recommended medication for me from my RE. 

17. Try to rest. knowing that I am in for a crazy couple of weeks, I am currently at my mom's house just hanging out with my family for a few days. (I have my baseline day after tomorrow) I am actually not getting as much sleep as I would at home, but it is good rest for my spirit. It has really helped me for time to pass quickly as we are having fun and to be able to play with my nieces and nephews and to relax. When I get home I plan to do as little as possible. 

18. Get ready to feel pregnant. Mood swings, nausea, hot flashes, bloating, constipation and weight gain, sore boobs, etc. are all symptoms of the medications. When you are in the 2ww, and you are having every sign of pregnancy it can be torture not knowing if you are truly pregnant or not.

19. Piggy-backing on the last point, resist the temptation to do a HPT before 14 days. If you trigger with ovidrel, like me,  (This is hCG that triggers ovulation) it can stay in your system for about 14 days. Your body eliminates approximately half of the hCG that is in your system every 23-25 hours, so after 14 days, it should be completely gone. Having all the symptoms and testing too early and getting a false positive would make a negative beta (blood test) unbearable.

20. Relax and try not to freak out. In this process, part of your rational brain seems to disappear, and you are playing a high-risk game while on a hormone roller coaster that makes you crazy. Don't over analyze every single thing that comes your way. If you have questions, ask your dr. Write them down and ask him. You can use online groups for encouragement and support, and they can be useful for answering questions. HOWEVER, do not depend or rely on this information source. Every cycle and patient is unique and what worked for one person might not work for you.

21. Don't freak out about your beta numbers. As long as your dr. doesn't seem concerned, rely on his expertise. Don't ask for other's beta numbers and try to compare them to your situation. This does no good and can add unnecessary stress to and already stressful situation.

22. I know we covered this already, but ASK QUESTIONS. No question is stupid. Go to your email patient portal, phone, text, etc. and ask those questions. The person answering them is paid by your Dr. to do so. You are not being a bother or causing more work for someone. If you have a concern, voice it. Now, if you find you are calling several times a day, you might consider keeping a running list of questions you can ask all at once or when you go to your next appointment.

23. Don't worry about what others think. Share your story publicly, or not - it is totally up to you. Be prepared for varied responses, but  NEVER let someone's opinion make you feel bad about your choice to do IVF. You and your spouse, and your medical team (hopefully with a lot of prayer and discussion) have started this process, and it is for you, not for anyone else. If you would like to share but are scared about other's reactions, I encourage you to share. Send me your story and I will publish it on here (even anonymously if you like)  Embrace the positive comments and those who are supporting you, and ignore the rest. There are far more people out there that care about you and are pushing for you than the opposite.

24. There is a vampire living at your clinic. I am convinced of this. They took enough blood from me to feed the Cullen family for a year. While, I ended up bruised and sometimes feeling really weak, it is necessary and totally worth it. If you are scared of needles, as I am, do this:
Pump and squeeze the fist of the arm they are going to do the draw on. While doing that, raise the opposite foot and point the toe. Concentrate on this and slowly and intentionally breathe out. Your brain will have so much to process that you won't really notice the needle. I used to close my eyes on top of all of this, but I am now actually able to watch the vials fill. I still can't watch the stick, but I have come a long way.

I think I could go on for quite a few more points, but I think I will leave you with just one more.

25. PRAY. Remember, that God has not forsaken you. Even on the days when you are crawling into your pillow fort with Downton on the tv and a pile of dark chocolate near by, God is there. He cares for you and he wants the best for you. He knows the plans He has for you and will work for you. I'm not saying that guarantees you a baby, but I am saying that with God on your side, what can you fear?  Be strong. Be bold. Be confident and rest in the loving arms of your father who is carrying you through this valley of life.

If you have been through this, feel free to comment with any tips you have. I always love hearing from you! 

The geek in me was thrilled

Some developments came about today. Nothing huge, but when you are incredibly tired of waiting, anything is a development.

We got the bill for Cam's blood work today! This is exciting for me as I have been watching the mail for it. I have been tracking everything meticulously on a spreadsheet, and I had missing data for that line item. The geek in me was thrilled to be able to fill in those cells.

In the original quote for our IVF, I was told that this blood work can be up to $800 each. Planning for the worst, that is what I had put as the cost. The bill I received said that his blood work was less than $60 and the cost to us was $12! That is a heck of a lot better than $800.

Essentially, we just got another $800 knocked off of the cost of our IVF. This is incredible!

The other far lesser development is that I had to refill my birth control prescription today. On one hand I was sad because that means more pills, but on the other hand, I was encouraged to know that there are only seven pills left to take!

I made a countdown calendar out of my pills and blacked out all the pills left over that I don't have to take. (I will be saving these for later in the off-chance that I have to use them again, but I'm praying I never have to use them.) When I take that last pill that means I'm so much closer to my goal. The last pill I take means I have one day until my baseline ultrasound and blood work appointment.

Around the time of your expected period, (which is controlled by BCP in this case and scheduled by the RE) a transvaginal ultrasound scan will be performed to examine your ovaries. This procedure is used to ensure your ovaries are not producing eggs at the moment (are suppressed - the reason BCP is taken) . It also measures your serum estradiol level.  In some cases, women may develop cysts.  If a cyst is detected, therapy may not continue until your cysts resolve on their own (usually in about a week). If your baseline ultrasound is normal, you will begin stimulatory medication.

In case you are wondering about the procedures for IVF, this is a great resource I have found that has them all neatly lined up, including where we are now (suppression, waiting on baseline) and what we have left to do. 

Basically, they will look at my uterine lining as well as do what is called an antral follicle count. (it looks at all the tiny follies that may respond to treatment.) This gives the RE an idea if I will respond to treatment well. They also look for any large cysts on my ovaries which can cause problems.

As with the day 2 ultrasound (ok, it was day 4 for me this time) It doesn't hurt and it's pretty quick. I also have to wrap my mind around having another ultrasound while potentially bleeding. Of course, at this point, it doesn't really bother me. By this point I have been through so much, it is just one more thing checked off of my list. 

For a first-timer, don't worry about the bleeding. Generally they put a sheet over your legs and dim the lights and do everything by feel under the sheet - they care about what is on the ultrasound monitor, not what's going on between your legs. 

The one thing I am really not looking forward to is the blood work. This appointment starts the long line of appointments in which there are a couple of vials drawn each time. This isn't as bad as it once seemed, but is not pleasant by any stretch of the imagination.

If this appointment goes well, I will begin stims a  day or two after. I will be on those for 9-12 days, during which I will have appointments and blood draws every other day. As soon as my tests show that I am where I need to be, I will be told to trigger (a shot that triggers ovulation.)

So, you can see that the baseline appointment really is a huge milestone in the IVF process. Once you reach this point, the bulk of the waiting is over and a couple of weeks of craziness ensues.

In an effort to try to take my mind off of the *SLOWLY* passing time, I have decided to go see my parents for a few days. Relaxing at my childhood home and watching my son play with his cousins is a great distraction for me. If you are going through this process, I would recommend you also find a place you can go to relax and unwind during this time. A simple, low key weekend away before the craziness of IVF starts is wonderful.