Shining A Light, Even When It Is Difficult

To say the last two days have been hard is an understatement. I have experienced the entire range of emotions and have managed to live through them. 

Without going into the usual detail, I will tell you that after what I thought was another positive ultrasound appointment Monday morning, I got a call that afternoon letting me know they were canceling my cycle. We will not be doing a transfer this cycle after all. 

Once again, I spent the day anticipating news from our clinic. Once again, I checked the portal more times than I should have. I was encouraged to see some lab results, and to my untrained eye, the numbers looked good. I had about doubled my estrogen levels, my progesterone was going up and the lining had grown thicker since my last visit. I just knew there was nothing that could stop us now. 

I was regrettably wrong. Once more, a call that should have brought good news instead brought devastation. 

I managed to hold myself together during the call, fighting waves of nausea and dizziness while trying to pay attention to what was being said on the other end of the line. My life felt like it was again unraveling, and quickly. After getting off of the phone, I sank to the kitchen floor and called Cam. I had already begun to cry and when I heard his voice I lost it. I managed to choke out enough words to let him know about the cancelled cycle.

He left work right then and came home.

I didn't move from that spot on my hard, cold floor. I couldn't move. I was frozen and overwhelmed. I bawled my eyes out. I cried and screamed. I pounded the floor in anger and frustration. My body shook with sobs. There were no coherent thoughts or  actions. I just melted into the floor, feeling like the world was sitting on my shoulders. 

When Cameron got home, he helped me to sit up and held me. We cried together and talked. He cleaned me up as I was covered in tears and snot. I had made a pool on the tile that took four paper towels to clean up. (yeah, it was an ugly cry) 

I am devastated. I most recently wrote about how tired I am and that I just couldn't take another setback. This journey has now extended to almost 9 months. I have calculated four different due dates and heaven has gained six little babies. I have had 110 shots, taken 147 evil birth control pills. I have had two egg retrieval surgeries and one polyp removal surgery and more blood draws and invasive ultrasounds and taken more pills than I care to tally. 

I am exhausted. I am discouraged and I am, to be honest, a little angry. Enough is enough. 

At this point, if we did not already have five embryos we are responsible for and already are in love with, I would quit. If I didn't believe there was valuable life in the lab in Tulsa, I would throw in the towel and call it a day. 

Believing the way I do and living by my convictions even when it is incredibly hard is… incredibly hard. I can see why many people choose to believe that there is no life represented in an embryo or an unborn baby. It is much easier to believe that way. When there is no life, there is no guilt or responsibility. When life isn't at stake, decisions are able to be made with one’s own desires as the only consideration. It would be easier and far less complicated to not believe the way I do.

However, I do believe that there is life created, and I love and value those little lives. God allowed those lives to be and that alone is a miracle. Not at any point would I consider giving them back and not allowing them the best chance of living.  Galations 6:9 comes to mind when I question myself: “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”

Sometimes I am tempted with little whispers of self doubt. I question my beliefs and if they are worth all I am going through. Matthew 5:14-16 says, “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

I have to dare to stand out. My viewpoint may not be the most popular (I know it isn’t) but it could have an impact on others.

I am called to be the light of the world, not matter what, no matter how hard the situation I am going through is. 

My life, and this blog are a light I am shining. I believe in life. I have a responsibility to share that message of life in every way and on every platform I have available. God is able to do immeasurably more than I ask or imagine, and I can not help but be in awe of His unfailing love for me or stop sharing about it. This time of my life is hard. This season is long, and it never seems to end, but I serve a God who controls the wind and the waves. 

Read all of Job 38 here

I know nothing of God’s plans for my life, but I know my calling. It is to share God’s light and love with as many people as I can. It is to live for Him and do what I feel He is calling me to do. no matter how hard it gets, or how much my calling or view conflicts with the world. 

My pain is huge and real. I still find myself crying at random things. My heart is heavy and I feel like I am walking through a bit of a fog right now, but God is the “lamp unto my feet and the light unto my path” and nowhere can I turn that He is not there. He is using my story to impact people around the world. I am able to share from a very real place about LIFE. This does not take away my pain, but it gives purpose to my pain, and that in turn helps me to deal with it. It gives me a direction and a way to cope. 

I am exhausted and at the end of my rope, but I know that God will sustain me. I know that in the end all things will work out according to His plan for me, and that is enough. It is enough for today and it will be enough for tomorrow. 

Chasing My Unicorn (Transfer Day)

I am sorry for the long absence from blogging. I have been updating my Facebook page but have not had the energy to sit and piece my thoughts together for a proper blog post. For those of you following who are interested and have been wondering what's going on, this is for you. If you want, hop over to Facebook and like my page so you don't miss out on any of my updates.

It has been almost a month since I last blogged, and longer than that since I actually talked about the procedure we are going through. Honestly there hasn't been a lot going on. I've been on medications and that's about it. The uneventful reality of fertility treatments. You can go for long periods of time without change and then all of a sudden, there is so much going on it is hard to take it all in.

For over a month now I have been on Lupron injections once a day. These are not too bad, but do give me headaches. Because of the candida diet I am on right now, I am not supposed to have caffeine, but I cheat and have a couple of cups of my beloved black coffee every day. It is the one thing that actually helps the headaches. Tylenol, etc. does nothing to touch these bad boys, and if I get one I am good for nothing for the entire day. It is a cheat that is entirely worth it, and I am happy to do it because, let's face it, life without my coffee would be pretty bland.

On top of the lupron, I am on estrogen patches. I started out with one patch on July 6th and have increased to four patches now. I change these every other day. These babies pack a powerful punch. Since starting them I have had several bad days. Situations and issues that would simply annoy me or rub me the wrong way before estrogen have made me have small breakdowns. I find myself crying at the slightest provocation and I get emotionally and physically exhausted much easier than I should. I am a hot natured person, and the hormones do not help. I am sweaty and gross much more than I would like to be. This makes the patches slip and slide and lately I have been having a hard time keeping them on. I am thankful for the candida diagnosis I received last month and the incredibly strict and healthy diet I have been on because I think it has given me a boost to help combat some of these symptoms. If I were turning to sugar and carbs I am sure I would not only weigh a lot more, I would have depression issues again, etc. (Side note, if you have not noticed, I am ALL ABOUT the candida diet. You should check it out. I have created a pinterest board of inspiration if you are interested.)

I also take a baby aspirin every day, which isn't bad at all until I cut myself shaving and then I bleed like a stuck pig. (excuse the colloquialism) The other medicine I have been on is a viagra suppository that I have to take vaginally every morning. This does... absolutely nothing. (Sorry honey) It may contribute to the bleeding when I get cut, but that's about all the symptoms I can detect from it. Besides being a little messy and awkward, it is pretty benign.

I did have surgery this month (the 20th) to remove three uterine polyps (which were, thankfully, benign.) This set our FET transfer cycle back by about 5 days. Everything went well and I am polyp free. It did end up costing us about $8k out of pocket, which isn't any fun, but it is what it is. What's another $8k? *sarcasm* The irony of this is they charged me $130 for a pregnancy test they insisted I take before the procedure. I assured them I was not pregnant and if I was it was a miracle and they needed to call a news station, but they HAD to have that pregnancy test result in the records before I could have the procedure. I awkwardly peed in a cup with all my IV cables hooked up, etc. which was quite an act. They dipped a .50 cent test into the urine and waited three minutes while talking to me. Sure enough, it was negative. (imagine that) This cost me $130. I won't go into how I feel about that, but let's just say that in my estrogenated state, I was more than displeased when I saw the bill. 

We have spent quite a bit of time at my parent's house. This has helped to pass the time that seems to want to creep along. Every day of waiting and anticipating feels like a week. Mom and dad put up a pool and H and I enjoyed swimming several times a day. We have also been enjoying a friends' pool here in town with Cam's mom. H and I are both tan and blonde and are enjoying the summer, despite the heat. 

That's the general, Reader's Digest version of events the last month or so. Now, on to the current goings on. 

Yesterday we had our long-awaited lining check ultrasound. If my life were a movie, this would be the iconic date circled in bold red marker on my calendar. It would have arrows pointing to it and exclamation marks, etc. This is the appointment that was to be the catalyst, the jumping-off point for the downhill slide of the FET cycle. This appointment marked the beginning of the long-awaited end. Almost eight months of treatments, medications, heartaches and hopes were all going to be fulfilled and justified at this appointment. 

The appointment was one of the quickest ones I have had so far. They managed to get my tiny veins to cooperate and I only had to be stuck once for the blood draw. I didn't have to wait long for the Dr. once I was in the room, and the ultrasound was a really quick one. It took me longer to get undressed and dressed again than to do the ultrasound. The words, "Perfection" and "This is exactly what I want to see" came out of the Dr.'s mouth. I was told to check my portal for updates. I left the office on top of the moon. Transfer day was going to be less than a week away. 

At one of our appointments last month I asked our Dr. about the general timeline for an FET schedule. He said that at the linking check, if everything looked good, transfer would be about 6 to 8 days later. I did the math, chose a date in the middle and have been telling people my transfer would be about the 26th of July. This made sense to me based on my LMP and the ovulation timing, etc. I calculated my due date off of that timeline. I began making childcare arrangements and planning family visits with visiting relatives around that timeline. The 26th, in my mind's calendar was covered in glitter and brightly glowing. It was a magical, unicorn date... TRANSFER DAY. 

I was riding on a bit of a high yesterday because of the good news we received. After all the setbacks and cancelations and failures, we just needed something to go right for us. We needed to feel like we were making forward momentum and not being dragged ever backwards. We finally had that. My body was doing just what it needed to be doing, and we would actually be able to stick to the timeline. 

Being the obsessive person I am, I might have checked our portal a couple of times an hour for an update yesterday. I knew I would be told to start progesterone shots as well as several other medications that prepare my body for receiving the embryo. I knew what would be coming, I just needed the okay to begin the new treatment. I was relieved when Cam's mom invited us to go swimming at a friend's house. I would have an excuse to get out of the house, relax and ignore the portal for a couple of hours. 

While we were swimming, I got a missed call from the clinic. Excited and hopeful, I called them right back and all but danced on the pool deck while waiting for the right person to come on the line. Excitement turned to tears with only a couple of words. They needed to know what pharmacy they should call another medication in to. I guess the glowing report I had received wasn't all I thought it had been. They need my lining to develop more than it has, so they prescribed me Estrace, another estrogen medication. I take this, along with all of my other medications until Monday.

Instead of a transfer on the 26th, I have another ultrasound on the 24th and we go from there. This is another delay of about 4 days or so. I have no way of knowing at this point.

I hear you laughing a bit at my dramatic recounting that lead up to ONLY a 4 day delay. Four days is nothing! Four days isn't worth being worked up about. 

Four days is an eternity. 

Add up all the delays and cancelations and rescheduling together and it almost equals a typical pregnancy gestational period. I have been pumped full of medications and not had a break from pregnancy hormones in my body since November, when we started this process. I am tired. I am discouraged and I am struggling to believe I will ever be pregnant. Every time I feel I have a grasp on what I want, it fades out of sight. Every delay means more medications, more money, more stress and more waiting. I am so tired of the waiting. 

Transfer day really is my unicorn. I'm beginning to question if it exists for me. I was at transfer day once before this year. I was on the way to the clinic. I had followed all the instructions and I was excited to receive the little life I had prayed for and agonized over. We got a call on the way to the clinic that our little embryo had not survived and we would not do a transfer. I can not describe the feeling. A miscarriage, a death, the crushing of my hopes and dreams. 

Infertility treatments are a roller coaster of emotions and you never know if you are going to go for a loop, a vertical drop or a sharp turn. You are in the pitch black and even the experts cannot assure you of what is going to happen. The track changes mid-ride. The anticipation and the dread battle with the excitement and never go away. Nothing you can do will distract you from the fact that you are on the ride and you could experience change - good or bad - at any moment. Four more days of this torture is four days too long. I have been on this coaster for months and I am ready for something a little less thrilling. I need stability for a while. I need progress. Starting the ride over again and again on a seemingly endless loop this year has about done me in. 

Yes, pregnancy - especially a twin pregnancy-  is an adventure in and of its self, but at least it is a change of scenery. There is more of a road map for it and it is a bit more predictable. There is forward progress, marked my visible changes in my life and my body. It is more of a public event and people know how to be involved in a pregnancy. Even the kindest, most loving family members do not understand or know how to be involved with fertility treatments. You feel alone and misunderstood and vulnerable most of the time. Infertility is isolating and depressing. 

As I read back through what I just wrote, I think I did a good job describing the emotions and the reality of what is going on. I do not write to get sympathy or attention. I write because I feel it is my calling. Others going through this need to know that they are not alone. They need to be able to relate to someone who actually gets it. Family members of infertile couples who do not know how to express their feelings need to be able to read our story and understand what their loved ones are going through. Our fellow infertile couples also need to know that there is hope. 

Despite all my anxiety and yes, even depression, etc. I have hope. Ephesians 3:20 says, "Now to Him who is able to do infinitely more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us..." I know that I have the God of the universe caring for my eight little babies in heaven. That same God is looking out for my five frozen embryos and already knows their future. He also has my son's precious life in His hands. Even on the hardest of days I know I can turn to Him. I serve a God who creates and orchestrates life and cares about His creations. 

Living with this firm foundation under me and depending on the stability it gives puts a spin of power and hope on a situation that would otherwise be hopeless. There is power in the blood of Jesus, and I know that it covers me and all of my children. The blood washes me clean and gives me a bigger picture view of the process. I still hurt and I still grieve and I am very much human, but I cling to the promises I have through my relationship with Jesus Christ. 

I tell my story to honor God and share how He has been faithful to us and been the light we needed even in the darkest and scariest of situations. When we get to the end of ourselves, He is ALWAYS there to sustain us and lift us up. He has sent us support and encouragement through family and friends. He has shown us love in physical, tangible ways and emotional, spiritual ways. He is always there, always able, and always enough. "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

1. 
   
   Would you be free from the burden of sin?
   There’s pow’r in the blood, pow’r in the blood;
   Would you o’er evil a victory win?
   There’s wonderful pow’r in the blood.
   
   
   Refrain:
   There is pow’r, pow’r, wonder-working pow’r
   In the blood of the Lamb;
   There is pow’r, pow’r, wonder-working pow’r
   In the precious blood of the Lamb.
   
   
   Would you be free from your passion and pride?
   There’s pow’r in the blood, pow’r in the blood;
   Come for a cleansing to Calvary’s tide;
   There’s wonderful pow’r in the blood.
   
   
   Would you be whiter, much whiter than snow?
   There’s pow’r in the blood, pow’r in the blood;
   Sin-stains are lost in its life-giving flow;
   There’s wonderful pow’r in the blood.
   
   
   Would you do service for Jesus your King?
   There’s pow’r in the blood, pow’r in the blood;
   Would you live daily His praises to sing?
   There’s wonderful pow’r in the blood.