"What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!" ~Stuart Townend
It's been a while since I posted anything. I have had several amazing moments since my last post, but I will not try to remember them all, or bore you with the minute details. The biggest thing to happen: We found out 'Baby J' is a BOY.
At 17 weeks, we were a bit let down, because we were expecting an ultrasound from the Dr., and we were planning a great gender reveal party, etc. BUT, no ultrasound was done at the appointment. It would be over a month until I would have an ultrasound from the Dr. Being the impatient people we are, we were discussing our feelings about not knowing the sex of the baby. We were in the car, on the way to Copan to hang out with his parents at the campground. Cam mentioned something about getting an ultrasound from a baby place, and not the Dr. I told him I thought it was to expensive. However, I looked up the nearest location, which was in Owasso. Seeing that you could get a great deal, we decided to give them a call, just out of curiosity. We tried to book an appointment for the next day, but one was not available. "We do have another option for you though." The lady on the phone said. "We just had a cancellation, and we can get you in at 6 tonight. Would that work??" We took the appointment, turned the car around, and headed that way. We were in Copan already, so we made it just in time for our appointment. We looked like hillbillies. We had not planned to go to the Dr., we were dressed for a night of camping and fishing.
The technician was not even phased by our appearance, and we were treated wonderfully. I was told to drink lots of fluids so we would for sure be able to see the sex of the baby. I took that quite literally, and I downed a route 44 ice water on the way to the appointment. I was about to burst. We went into the exam room, and immediately got things started. She pressed the wand onto my abdomen, and thought I would explode. I took one for the team though, and held myself together for the examination. The very first thing we saw when the image appeared on the giant screen in front of us was the baby's man parts. We laughed about him not being shy, and Cam was very proud that his son was so 'endowed'. That was a surreal moment for me. Of course, I loved the baby before, and I thought of it as being alive, and human. This experience, knowing that I had a son, being able to picture a specific person in my daydreaming, that was amazing. I experienced instant bonding with this tiny life. I'm not sure I can describe the exact emotion I was feeling, or successfully communicate to you the complete awe and wonder that came over me, but it was an experience I will never forget.
It was so unexpected, and out of the blue. Everything about our pregnancy up to this point had been planned and calculated, literally down to the minute. Shots and pricks and probes, tests, schedules and analysis. While it was just as meaningful as other pregnancies, the whole thing had an almost sterile, mechanical feel to it. It was so wonderful to have something spontaneous happen. To wake up that morning, expecting a normal day, and to go to bed that night, knowing I would be having a boy. It was special, just between Cam and me. No one else knew we were doing it, no one was expecting news, or calling us for results. It was just us. Up to this point, it was not about this child specifically, but about simply creating life. It was about maintaining this life. I don't think I even admitted this out loud, but I expected to loose the baby. I knew something would go wrong with the pregnancy. When we paid for the procedure, we chose the 'insurance' buy one, get one plan. This meant that if I miscarried the baby, I would have 6 months to be able to do the procedure again, for free. Considering the price of IVF, it seemed a smart option. After all, most people do not have success on their first try. I would think in my mind, if something goes wrong, just let it happen early. Let me loose this baby in the 6 month window, so I can start again. While, I was in love with the life inside me, and I was not wanting anything to happen to it, part of me did not believe it could last. It was to good to be true. After everything I had been through, after the letdowns and challenges of the past year, it was hard to let myself really think of this baby as a person. What if I lost it?
That June day, when I saw my baby, when we got those little blue bracelets, and cam and I looked into each other's eyes, I knew. I knew it would be ok. I knew we would be keeping HIM. He was so active, and actually cute. He has a button nose, that is absolutely adorable in the profile pictures we have. He has long limbs, and most of all, he is perfectly healthy. Yes, both of us were a bit disappointed we were not having a girl ( - someone in our family needs to have a girl, there are 10 baby boys in our family right now, and Jannie is the only girl {and, she is adopted}) but it didn't matter. My dreams of pink, while still there for some day, receded to the back of my mind. Almost instantly, I pictured our life with a boy. I pictured Cam teaching him to golf, and to be a gentleman. I pictured sporting events, and me being 'that mom' in the stands. My whole world just automatically shifted, and my SON became the center of it.
We went through a couple of names before deciding on Henry Boyd Jarrett. Of course, I had to ask my dear friend's permission to use the name, her son is named Henry as well. I was not sure of the name for us, but Cam loves it, and I didn't dislike it. Cam was excited to be able to call his son "Hank," and I nearly had a heart attack. Hank is the name of an old man with no teeth left, playing banjo on the porch of a run-down gas station. That would not be the name of my sweet little boy. I was not going to allow it. However, both our moms liked the nickname, and several people referred to him as Hank. A few weeks went by, and wouldn't you know it... I actually called him Hank without any prompting. I still think of him as Henry, and I will use that name most of the time, but I will not cringe when he gets called Hank. After all, I actually like banjo music.
Yesterday was the 24 week mark in our pregnancy. I had not had feelings of worry over Henry since finding out he was a boy. It was a relief though, knowing that if something happened, and he was born early he would most likely be ok. Of course, all first moms over-analyze the changes happening in their bodies, but that is normal worry. I have had such a feeling of peace about it all. All of my stress is over taking care of a baby - meaning, I KNOW he is going to be here, and ok. I still stress about doing everything right, and I research every aspect of birth, and taking care of a newborn. I have a birth plan completed, and I have read three separate baby books, not to mention the hundreds of articles online. I have always loved learning, and learning and researching something you are interested in is actually a lot of fun. Cam has always called me 'Data' (from Star Trek) because of my knowledge of random things, but he is now saying I might as well just go to school and become a Dr. because I know so much about the subject already. Some would call me obsessive, and I might be, but I don't care. Knowledge is power, and I want to be 'Super Mom.' (ok well, not really, but... kinda?)
Having said that, I will tell you, I am terrified. My research helps reassure me that I will theoretically know what to do with this kid, but I keep picturing the changes and the great unknown of parenthood, and I get sweaty palms. Of curse, I will have help, and I know that my instincts will kick in, it's not like I have never taken care of a baby before. That does not negate my fear of change, or the unknown. I voiced those fears to Cam, and he surprised me. He is not scared even a little bit. He has the personality that just goes with the flow. No sense in worrying about what may happen. We will deal with things when they come up. He is so good for me. Opposites really do attract, and it is for situations just like this.
