No Longer A Slave

This morning I woke early and spent some time alone in the quiet house, waiting for everyone else to wake up. I put off checking for information about our embryo, afraid to get news, good or bad, while I was alone. After the house began to stir, I did check the portal, and there was no news.

It is now 4:30pm and I have checked several more times still with no news. This is making my nerves on edge and absolutely exhausts me. My brain and body both feel like they can't take any more. exhaustion was several hours ago - I'm now just running in zombie mode. I remember getting updates every day when we did IVF with our son, so I am trying not to read anything into not hearing from them today. 

I am trying to remain calm and to remember to be thankful for what we have. I keep watching my son and reminding myself that no matter what happens, he is ours to keep. God has already given us one miracle baby and I will always be thankful for him. Nothing can cheapen or take that away from me.

Today at Church, the first song we sang spoke directly to my heart. As much as I love to sing, I couldn't make a sound come out. I just stood there, mouthing the words with hands raised high and tears streaming down my face. It has helped me today and I have gone over the lyrics many times when I start wanting to pace the floor or wring my hands in anxiety. 

"No Longer Slaves"

You unravel me with a melody
You surround me with a song
Of deliverance from my enemies
'Til all my fears are gone

I'm no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God

From my mother's womb
You have chosen me
Love has called my name
I've been born again
Into your family
Your blood flows through my veins

I'm no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God

I am surrounded
By the arms of the father
I am surrounded
By songs of deliverance

We've been liberated
From our bondage
We're the sons and the daughters
Let us sing our freedom

You split the sea
So I could walk right through it
My fears were drowned in perfect love
You rescued me
And I could stand and sing
I am a child of God...

You split the sea
So I could walk right through it
You drowned my fears in perfect love
You rescued me
And I will stand and sing
I am a child of God

Yes, I am
I am a child of God
I am a child of God
Yes, I am
I am a child of God
Full of faith
Yes, I am a child of God
I am a child of God

I'm no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God

We recently dedicated our son, and we were reminded that he was already God's before we made the public decision to give him to God. We were just acknowledging what we have known all along, that we are giving to God what is already His. Today, as one of the pastors prayed, he asked us to lay down what was keeping us from full fellowship with God. He reminded us that what we have and what we wish for, our past and our future belong to God, and that if we surrender it all to Him that we are just giving back and releasing control of something that was never ours to begin with. That wasn't the exact words used, but it was the message I heard. 

Through all of this process, I have prayed for this little life. I have cried over it and I have worried about it. I had not however surrendered it to the Lord - not fully. That is a hard one. Laying my first and best offering at the feet of Jesus and letting go of my tight-knuckled grip on it is almost more than I can do. I want to. I really do. I am working on it. 

I just don't know what that looks like right now. 

Not knowing, not having a plan and feeling like the remainder of our lives are in limbo over this tiny little life is overwhelming to say the least. I don't know how to go through this without worry or anxiety. Many times in the bible we are commanded to not worry or to be anxious. I have even made word art of many verses and placed them around my home to remind me. I wish I were strong and didn't so easily slip back into anxiety and fear.

As a child of God, I don't have to live by fear. I can walk in confidence knowing Him and all the promises in His word. I can claim those promises for myself and my family. I do. I claim them. Sometimes though, my strength fails me and my faith is weak. That is when the rest of the body of Christ sustains me through prayers, etc. I have so many people praying for me and my family - for this tiny little life. I was reminded many times today of those people praying for us. I am thankful for this. SO incredibly thankful. There is no way we could make it through this without our family and extended family of God. That is the beauty of a community of faith.