Embryo Update, DAY 1

This morning I forgot to be anxious to check my portal for news about our embryos. I woke up and played with four babies, had breakfast and hung out with my family. It wasn't until about 9am that I remembered I might have news.

The login process seemed to take forever as I was excited to see how my teeny little babies were growing. When the screen finally popped up, my heart leaped in my chest - there WAS information waiting for me.

This was not what I wanted to see.  Not only are my hopes of twins dashed, but I am very worried about even having a baby to transfer on day 5 (Wednesday.) Simply based on last time, they recovered 11 eggs, ICSI on 9 of them and three fertilized. By day 5, only one was left to transfer, the rest had 'expired.' 

Getting news every morning, presented so matter-of-factly on a database is so anticlimactic to a procedure that takes so much from me. Last time I mourned each death of each embryo as daily the number decreased. 

Each cycle is so different. I know that. I keep telling myself that it only takes one. I keep telling myself that God can grow this precious little life and that He loves and cares for it. I know all of these things. I know them in my head. I know them in my heart. This did not keep me from retreating to my room and having a good cry. 

Expectations are dangerous things. 

In my mind, I just knew that because I was being so open about our cycle, and giving praise to God through all we were encountering along the way, and trying to see the good even when it was hard, that some how I would get just what I wanted. I was operating under the incorrect guise that God was my genie in a bottle. He is not. 

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face." Job 13:5

I have nothing left to do but to pour out my heart to God in prayer for this tiny life. I feel almost selfish spending this much energy caring for and loving and worrying about this life that I have yet to meet. A mother's love, a mother's heart does not always do logical things. I have family fighting for the life of their teenage son, and I can't compare our situations, but I can empathize and easily place myself in their shoes. In  my world view, a child is a child, no matter how small. This life is desperately loved, cherished and hard-fought for.

This same family I mentioned is what is truly giving me strength right now. They reminded their friends through a recent post to think of "What are you afraid of?" What am I truly afraid of? Instead of simply being anxious and nervous in general, I thought specifically about what fears are haunting me and named them.
Here I go:
1. I am afraid that this baby will not make it to transfer day
2. I am afraid of the loss of all the finances and not having the ability to try again
3. I am afraid that my heart can not take the emotional roller coaster of loosing this embryo and trying again.
4. This would be baby #3 to have held in my heart and not my arms. Emotionally, mentally, that is a blow I am not sure I can take.
5. I am afraid of feeling like a failure.
6. I am afraid of the future. I desperately want H to have a sibling, and my arms long for another baby. I have no idea what that looks like if this embryo does not make it.

I know I should not go immediately to the negative of the situation. I know that. However, that seems to be my mode of operation. My first instinct is to think of everything that can go wrong. Usually, I process those things, and I am prepared for them when the time comes. If things do go right, I have even more reasons to celebrate the miracle I know happened. I realize this might not be the healthiest way to process things, but it seems to work for me.

When I was alone in my room, praying for this life and crying my heart out to God, my husband came in and hugged me tight and told me it was going to be ok. My mom then came in and we all talked and they let me cry and talk about my fears. Then, we all group hugged in the middle of my bed and prayed. We prayed for the future, we prayed for this tiny life and that God would keep his hands on it and help it to be strong and healthy.

I am so blessed to have the encouragement of friends and family who share my view of the sanctity of life and understand the emotions I am going through. To lose a life, no matter how little is difficult. I am thankful for the Love of my Father in Heaven. He never leaves me or forsakes me. He never sleeps or slumbers. His ways are not my ways and although I can not see His plan, I choose to trust His loving heart and know that He has more for me than I can comprehend.

In the end, it is not over yet. Tomorrow is another day, and I will get more information about this child. I will get a report that looks much like what is above, and we will go from there. We are not guaranteed good news, but neither should we automatically expect the news to be bad. There is hope. My faith is bigger than a mustard seed and my baby is much smaller than that. I am not expecting to move mountains, just to sustain a life. I am hoping and praying and choosing to believe that this is possible and WILL happen.

For now, I am pregnant until proven otherwise.