It is through the darkness that the light shines the brightest.

Going through loss and grief is never something you want to do or plan for as a part of your life. We are often tempted (I know I am) to question it and the God who allowed it to happen. Somewhere along the line I think the message was perverted and people began to believe that if you trust and follow God that bad things won't happen. Even people of great faith have made those claims. Death, destruction, war and pain are a part of life on this earth, and while I believe that God is powerful enough to take away those things, He won't. It is a result of the fall in the garden of Eden. Only when we die and are joined again with God will we see that promise of perfection fulfilled. Until that time, we have to live by faith and trust in God, even when it is hard to do.

Having said that, I fully believe that God works in miraculous and wondrous ways every day in the lives of his people. I choose to see those miracles in life that others might call 'coincidence'. My IVF process (both this one and the one in 2014) alone has been full of these little miracles. They do not take away the pain in the world, or the heart ache of loss, but they serve to remind me and to strengthen my faith. These little things that I choose to label as miracles and to give God glory for are what gives me strength and fortifies the foundations of my faith for those times when I am tempted to doubt God. It is through the darkness that the light shines the brightest.

Friday the 27th of January I woke up after sleeping well (unmedicated)  for the first time in several days. I had gone to bed in a good place emotionally and spiritually and woke excited for a fun weekend with family. I was shocked and surprised to find that dear aunt flow had visited me in the night. This was a completely unexpected kind of drop-by visit and I was actually concerned. I contacted my Dr. (who wasn't concerned) and who gave me a little sliver of hope. If I continued to bleed, they would consider this day one of my cycle. This information raised a lot more questions in my mind, but as it was a Friday, I would have to sit on those questions until Monday when everyone was back in the office.

We dedicated Henry this weekend, and my family drove up to be there for it. I was incredibly thankful for the distraction so I was not tempted to dwell on what was going on with my body and our IVF cycle for a couple of days. We had twelve people in our house for two days and it was a crazy mess. We went bowling and had so much fun! I love having my family around and seeing the relationship H has with his cousins. Watching him play and seeing his imagination at work as he and his cousin went hunting for monsters and dinosaurs was adorable. I think they bagged several. (WHEW! I was glad to get those out of my house. :D )

Sunday I was proud to have my family stand with us as we dedicated H to the Lord. We promised before the church family to raise H to serve, honor and love God. They pledged to help us to do so and our family did so as well. Knowing that I have a circle of family and friends who support us in our decision to raise H with Christian values and to follow the Lord is something incredibly powerful.

I woke up early this morning, Monday January 30th, (still bleeding BTW) and checked to see if I had any messages from my Dr. I was fully expecting to have to go to Tulsa for an ultrasound and blood work. This is what happened last time, so I wasn't completely crazy for thinking that. No news was waiting for me. I wouldn't get any news from them until about 8:45am, which was a little difficult, but I am learning to wait.

To my surprise, I wouldn't have to have another ultrasound. This was great news as I was not looking forward to paying for it again. They told me they were working on a flow sheet for my cycle and asked for a medication inventory to make sure I had enough. They didn't specifically state that I was going to be starting another cycle, but they definitely said enough that my hopes were raised. I was also told to start birth control pills today.

After a call to my husband and my mother, telling them the good news, I snuggled my son for a while and did some laundry. I then checked back with my portal messages, hoping to have more information, and I was not disappointed. They had my flow sheet ready to go with directions on medications, etc. I am officially back in an IVF cycle! They considered the 28th (Saturday) the first day of the cycle. I take BCP until the 9th and then go back in for an ultrasound and blood work on the 10th.

This is not what I had planned, it is one month almost to the day behind the schedule I had originally planned for, but it is reality, and I am thankful for it. I am also extremely thankful that I will only have to be on those dreaded pills for 11 days total. (vs. the 30 days I was on it before) As an added blessing, I had 14 BCP pills left from last month, so I do not have to mess with getting more medications. We will have to pay for this upcoming ultrasound and blood work, but everything else from then on should still be covered by our original IVF payment.

I totally feel this is a miracle. I've never in my life had two periods in one month, but I did this month. This means I was able to join the earlier IVF cycle and not have to wait until April. This means I will still get to be pregnant at the same time as my sister. Yes, it won't be as long as I had planned, but I will get that experience.

I truly think we sometimes limit God to our own understanding and doubt Him because we see through our limited earthly, human vision. If he wants something to happen, it will. He has shown that to me this month. This entire month as been about trust and faith and "leaning not on my own understanding".

No, things are NOT what I had planned. I was hoping for a September / October baby. Instead, I will probably have another November baby (possibly two!) This means five of my parent's eight grand babies will be November babies. Add that to Thanksgiving and some more family birthdays, November is going to be a crazy mess for years to come. I was trying to avoid that. God thought it would be fun for us to have a moth full of celebrations. My brother called it the party month. Why not?

God knows the plans He has for us. They are not always what we have in mind, but that does not make them any less perfect. On the contrary, His plans are often so much better than ours. I think My body was too sick and weak to handle the IVF process and medications in January. God allowed them to cancel the cycle but he also Provided for another cycle way sooner than anyone would have dreamed.