I had said I would praise God through all circumstances but this was hard.

It seems I haven't written in ages, but it has only been a couple of weeks. Since my last post, in which I was preparing to begin the stimulation phase of our IVF cycle,  a lot of life has been lived. I am just now in a place where I have some time and energy to get some thoughts into print.

There is a lot of information, so I guess I will go in chronological order. Sorry for the length.

I feel I can not make this blog post without at least mentioning the passing of my aunt. My last day of visiting my parents we got a call that aunt Judy had died. We were sad of course, but we celebrated that she was finally free from her disease. Judy had ALS, a horrific disease that slowly paralyzed her. Her funeral was such an encouragement to me. It came just as I was in the middle of our IVF cycle, and just before the cycle was canceled. My uncle (and cousins, who spoke) was a great example of strength to me. He was able to speak at the service for his wife and tell how he was praising Jesus through it all. He talked about continuing his call to be a minister, etc. He also spoke about Judy and what she was able to accomplish with her life despite her fears and human limitations and failings. It really spoke to me about trust in the Lord and his timing and strength. Fear and trust are big struggles for me and to have it talked about in the life of a woman who was always so strong and confident (to me) encouraged me.

The day after the funeral my husband came home saying he was not feeling well. This was a Friday. By Saturday morning, I was not feeling 100%, but wasn't convinced I was sick. Saturday afternoon we sent H to his grandmas house, and he ended up staying there with only the briefest of visits home until Tuesday afternoon. For a mama who had only spent a few hours away from her baby, this was its own form of torture. However, Cam and I were SO sick we would not have been able to care for him, so we were grateful for the help and grandparents who were willing to adjust their plans and schedules to take care of him.

Sunday morning, the 15th,  despite both of us being sick, I started my stimulation injections and oral medications. One pill and two shots per day. These medications and their side effects would not help me get any better the next several days. After being sick and away from my child for 4 days, I finally went to the dr. After sitting miserably for what seemed to be hours, I finally saw the dr. Turns out, I had a fever of 102.8 and a sinus infection! They scheduled me for a flu test. While we were sitting in the room, waiting for the Dr. to get tests ordered, etc. We got a call that our child was also sick. I broke down and cried right there in the office. I was hormonal, sick, overwhelmed and exhausted. I was having hot flashes that rivaled any menopausal woman and I was DONE.

After much shuffling and my first ever flu test (wow! that is an experience!) and a dr.'s appointment for H, we all tested positive for the Flu. Hundreds of dollars later in Tamiflu (which I only learned after isn't that great and I probably wouldn't have taken it) and hours of Cam dealing with the pharmacy and insurance, etc. (despite him not feeling well either) we were all home together, snuggling on the couch.

Being the proactive, nervous person I am, of course, I got in touch with my IVF Dr. as soon as I had my diagnosis. I did hear back from them pretty quickly that they *might* cancel my cycle because of the high fever, my weak body, etc. but I had no definitive answer. Cam still gave me my shot that night and the next morning, just in case we were able to continue our cycle. I was hoping against hope, praying, crossing my fingers and pacing the floor by the time I got the call from our Dr. on Wednesday morning. It was not what I wanted to hear. They canceled my cycle and told me that I would most likely not be able to do it again before April.

What a blow. The phrase about kicking a man when he is down comes to mind. I had posted on Facebook about not being able to handle any more, and then my son gets sick and we get our diagnosis of the flu. Then, the next day our cycle gets canceled. I cried and cried. I would cry as soon as I woke up from a nap (which I did a lot ) and would cry myself to sleep. The smallest of things would turn on the tap for more tears. This only added to the horrible headache that wouldn't go away (partly because of the sinus infection and fu... so, not fun)

I immediately felt depressed and miserable. While, no, I was not pregnant yet, I really felt like I had just lost a baby on top of everything else. I had been planning for this baby. I had calculated the due date and had done all the things you do when you are expecting. I had been in the process of making this baby since NOVEMBER! I had prayed for what I was convinced was going to be my baby. By the time this baby was going to be here, I was going to feel like I had been pregnant for a whole year. I had begun hormone injections, etc. I had planned to be pregnant already when I turned 30 in February. Now, I was going to turn 30 and not only would I not be pregnant but I would most likely be on birth control, which makes me a miserable human being.

While I had said I would praise God through all circumstances, this was hard. Saying you will give God glory for a situation you really don't think will happen is easy. Actually putting that into practice is difficult. My heart was numb and broken. Every plan I had made for this baby and my family was gone. I didn't feel God had abandoned me, but I felt so crushed by the weight of my own expectations.

One of the biggest expectations that I was looking forward to most was being pregnant at the same time as my sister. She is due in April and I was so excited to be able to share in the pregnancy experience with her. That this was not going to happen was just too much. This was my only shot at this dream. She is on her fourth pregnancy, and has no plans for a fifth. (number four wasn't planned either...)

Looking back, I don't think that giving God praise excludes you from being human and grieving loss. Praising even when you are hurting and feeling crushed under the weight of your circumstances is hard, but I think, normal. Praising God for what you know will come after the storm is what matters. Knowing that there will be a rainbow is encouraging. Just because we know and trust that God has a plan does not mean that you will not experience pain and disappointment along the way. It is how you act in the pain that matters. I cried and I mourned, but I knew, even in the very middle of my pain that my story was not over. I knew that there was hope. My heart still hurt and I still questioned why (inquisitively, not acquisitively - there is a difference) but I knew who held my heart and I knew I would move on.

I was working on moving on and dealing with my pain. I was making new plans and praying for this new batch of eggs that would be that new baby I was hoping for. We stayed in the house for another week after getting sick, just to make sure we didn't give our illness to anyone else. It was tiring and we were getting cabin fever, but it was for the best.

Henry and I had our first outing with other people on Thursday the 26th. We had a full day planned including a breakfast date, bible study and lunch with some family (who are also our friends - we love our family!) At bible study, I got to meet a new friend, which is always fun. I also got the opportunity to tell about our experience and what had gone down since I had been at bible study last. One of the ladies in the study has actually gone through IVF as well, so at least one person really understood what I was talking about.

We moved past talking about IVF into the meat of the study. It was just what I needed to hear and what I think my heart needed at the moment for that final push to move past the grief of our canceled cycle.

"For we live by faith, not by sight."
2 Cor. 5:7

We talked about having faith in God despite our own limitations.

"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
1 Cor. 15:58

We prayed to be able to be an example to our children and to world that believing in God and in his timing and perfect plan is not in vain. Believing in something bigger and better than we have planned is never a bad thing. Being able to let go of our plans and trust in God's is hard but necessary.

"The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves. But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin."Romans 14:22-23

Lastly, we talked about the implications of "Everything that does not proceed from faith is sin."  Making plans and living your life is not a bad thing. Trusting that God is a vital part of a medial procedure and that no matter what, He is in control of it is good. However, Being a nervous wreck and not being able to fully let go of the process and give it to God is not. To think of it in the terms of it being a sin if it does not come from and proceed from a place of faith and trust in God is huge.

This had a big impact on my thought process and my healing process. That evening I went to bed in a good place emotionally for the first time in almost two weeks. Things weren't going just as I had planned, and the waiting was going to seem so long, but I knew that my God had it under control. My faith set me free from the worry about tomorrow.

To save you from a post that never ends, I will leave it here and finish the story on the next post.