Surviving IVF Together

Infertility and fertility treatments can be incredibly stressful and has historically have lead to the demise of many, many previously good marriages. I have talked about this before, so you know my thoughts on this issue. To me, like any other challenge facing a couple, it should be dealt with and faced together.

The challenge though is knowing how to make this happen. How do you navigate the unknown when you are so full of emotions? What does it look like to come together and support each other during this time?

"The experience of difficulties to conceive can have a profound effect on a couple’s relationship, and this is unique to each individual couple. Most are unprepared for the emotional upheaval of facing and accepting their situation, and the subsequent treatment."
~IVF.com/AU

Men and women react to infertility differently. Women are seen as the ones to guard the emotions and take responsibility for the feelings and emotions of their husbands and families. If like me, you bottle all your feelings for months, holding them in check, you will eventually explode. My husband says that he expects an emotional eruption every few months and prepares for it. I was almost offended about this at first, but then I realized that I am not alone, and actually, this is almost normal, and many women feel this way. With IVF it is even worse. With all the medications and the emotional turmoil, the financial responsibility, the constant appointments, etc. those blowups happen more often. I do try to get my emotions under control and work them out for myself before I get to that blow up point, (and this blog really helps me) but it doesn't always happen.

Men, or at least my husband, is the provider, the protector. While he is probably more open than a lot of men, trying to have a good, deep conversation about our emotions is not exactly easy. He tries, and he sympathizes with my over emotional state but he does not truly empathize or understand. He is the logical one who's way of supporting and helping me is to solve my problems. The issue is that, especially where infertility is concerned, he can't help. He can't change it.

These two viewpoints clash... more than I would like to admit. I don't need a knight in shining armor, I need a shoulder to cry on. He doesn't need me to feel his emotions for him or try to dig them out with a spoon. He needs me to understand that he cares very deeply about what is going on, even though he doesn't get emotional about it.

"Once a couple has been confirmed Suitable for IVF, participation in treatment is a relief; however, partners often rate the technique itself as highly stressful, with women generally experiencing this stress to a greater degree than men. Women handle treatment stress quite differently than men: a 2006 study revealed that they seek to support and talk about the difficulties, where as men distance themselves or engage in problem-solving behavior. The stress can actually get in the way of IVF success because it reduces both sperm quality and the chance of an embryo developing inside the womb."
~ IVF & Ever After by Nichola Bedos

I usually don't do anything only half way. My emotions are no exception. Often Cam can get overwhelmed with my intense emotions, just as I tend to not understand him and his view point. Even though it is not required by Cam, I feel I need to take responsibility for most of the IVF process, as well as the emotional aspects. I am often tempted to obsess over our IVF cycle and have everything planned for and laid out to the very best of my ability. As all of this tumbles about my head and spills out of me, all over the house in the form of notes and charts and medications and I know he thinks I am slightly crazy and obsessed. 

Luckily, he has learned to keep those thoughts to himself. (OK, we have already established he is good at that) However, sometimes I wish he could read my mind. Sometimes, despite my over-organization and preparation, I feel out of control and don't know how to ask Cam for what I need from him. Heck, most days I don't even know what I need, so putting it into words seems almost impossible.

With one of us trying to solve a problem seemingly unsolvable and one of us trying to
organize away the problem, we get on separate wavelengths. I'm not saying there is constant discord and strife, don't let me paint a picture of a house of constant mourning. However, there are days when our (ok, my) emotions get too big for me to hold all on my own. This is when we both set aside our own persons and come together as a couple, clinging to each other. In the end, we are not going against each other, but are fighting together against this infertility foe. 

On the days when it isn't so obvious what we need, on the 6 days a week that we are just living life, there are things we can do to help each other get through the IVF process. We are a team, a partnership and we have a single goal in mind. 

COMMUNICATIONHonestly, a lot of my communication happens on this blog, which he reads, but we do talk. We pray together before bed and it helps to know how the other person is feeling in the moment, and not just over all. Dream together and enjoy the process. It doesn't have to be all gloom and doom, shots and blood draws. You can dare to dream big. Voice your dreams for your future out loud to one another and laugh and cry together.  

ASK, DON'T ASSUMEGuys, don't assume there is something you can fix, try starting with a hug (and maybe some chocolate) and then go from there. Girls, don't assume your husbands are going to understand why you are crying over the carrots you are cutting up for dinner. 

HUSBANDS, YOU ARE WANTED (NEEDED)Even when you feel like you aren't needed, you are. Through most of the process, everything is going to be about your wife. Your contribution, beyond financial won't take too long and beyond being a little embarrassing, isn't painful (although, your bank account might hurt a little.) Please, don't think your responsibility ends there.
Your bride needs you to support her through out the entire process. She needs to feel like this is as important to you as it is to her and not something she has to deal with on her own. Adjust your work schedule as much as possible so you can attend as many of the appointments as you can. Offer to administer her shots and keep track of them. And when she's tired, overwhelmed and anxious and just needs to burrow into a pillow mound with dark chocolate and Netflix, let her. Don't get frustrated with her or feel helpless. Make her a cup of tea, give her a hug and tell her you appreciate what she is doing for you, your family and your future. (And bring her more chocolate)

YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT A WOMANAs much as he may try to understand you, you did not marry a woman. If you need someone to talk with about every single little detail (and your husband has tried to listen to it, but doesn't respond in the gushing emotionally supportive way you had hoped) be thankful for all of his other good qualities and go for coffee with a good friend. You can not expect your husband to shoulder all of your emotional needs all on his own during this time. He has his own (even if it doesn't seem so) emotions to deal with. 

SHARE THE PROCESSThis one is harder for me. Cam takes care of most of the 'office' work in our family, bills, etc. BUT, when it comes to baby stuff, and IVF, that is my territory. I make the appointments, I keep track of the medications and bills. He is happy to let me do it, and it gives me a sense of control in this process that is so out of control. Share about the concerns and also your hopes (there are a lot of those) you have for your IVF. Dream together and laugh together about your visions of your future.
Allow your husband to administer your medications. You may hate him at times because he keeps stabbing you with a needle, but it is so nice to have him involved. 

DON'T PLAY THE BLAME GAMEOne thing I think I learned quite early in the process is that it didn't matter why we were having to get treatments. I had to let go of the fact that I am 'fertile Myrtle' and I have to go through all of this treatment because my husband has an issue. It doesn't matter. It just doesn't. I am getting treatment for an issue he has, and it is ok. If he had cancer, I would gladly take treatments for him if I could. This is much easier than chemo and has a much better end goal.
My husband is very sweet, and he is super sensitive to my emotions. I'm not sure if this comes naturally, or if he works at it, but he always knows when I need a hot bath and some peppermint tea. During this process he is so kind to me. He actually hates giving me the shots every day. He hates that he is the reason I have to go through this process. However, he does it. He never shrinks away, even when the needles are large and my back side is running out of places to administer medication. 

USE YOUR WORDSDecide before you ever start the process if you are going to share about it. Consider that one of you may want to be more private than the other. If one of you doesn't want to share and your spouse does, make a compromise and tell only close friends and family. One suggestion I have some across is to make a secret group on fb for posting updates about your IVF cycle.
Adding the stress of secrecy to this already painful and emotional process is unwise. In our first IVF cycle, I had this blog, but it was not posted publicly, and no one except a few close family members knew I was writing it. I also talked in person with my family and friends. I am a one who uses more than my fair share of words a day (shocker) and I needed to share my story. I needed to talk about everything going on and process it with those who love me. I'm not sure Cam actually shared with anyone outside family, but I know that he talked about it with his parents and best friend.
Do not set unrealistic sharing expectations.  I have read about a lot of people not telling even their parents about their IVF journey. This is crazy to me. Most of the time this ends in some kind of argument or misunderstanding because someone said or did something that put the IVF couple on edge or some such thing. Much of this could be avoided if you are open to begin with. This will not assure you people will always respond with understanding or in a sensitive manner, but at least everyone is on the same page.

Here are a couple of resources I have found helpful in understanding the roles of both husband and wife in the IVF process. I know you feel alone in your struggle. Ironically, almost everyone who goes through this process also feels this way. Reading these documents and recognizing so much of what I feel and think was reassuring. 

I found Nurturing Your Relationship During Fertility Treatment by IVF Australia full of great information. I encourage everyone going through an infertility treatment to read it. There are a lot of great ideas for surfing this IVF thing and even coming out a stronger couple.

This presentation is more concise and to the point, but still informative.

Remember, you are not alone. Even on the darkest of days, you have each other and you have God. Together, the three of you can get through anything.