Can I Deduct IVF Expenses on My Taxes?

If you haven't figured it out yet, you will - IVF is VERY expensive. Our first experience in 2014 was our learning experience. We didn't keep track of our expenses every well, but we know we spent about $25k on IVF. (YIKES!) This time we were a little more savvy. We kept detailed spreadsheets on our expenses and knew what we could say 'no thank you' to and what was actually a necessity. I will write a post about that soon and provide that spreadsheet for you. 

One of the areas we learned a lot about this time vs. last time was how to deduct our IVF (medical) expenses on our taxes. Our medical expenses for IVF in 2016 were about 15k, and this did not include some of the items we could have taken the time to calculate from the list below. This meant that we went from almost no refund at all, to about $4k coming back to us! As we are doing more IVF in 2107 and have a lot of medical expenses coming our way this year, we will need that unexpected refund. 

PLEASE NOTE, I AM NOT A TAX EXPERT

You need to do your own research on the topic before claiming anything on your taxes. The Laws could vary by state, but this 10% rule seems to be legit, and I know it worked for us. Also, remember, this is for ALL medical expenses, not just IVF related expenses. We only figured in the IVF expenses because they were easily calculated, but we will be keeping better record for our 2017 taxes. 

How I kept track: 

• I keep a spreadsheet with our expenses, receipt numbers, dates, etc. that I can easily reference back to and keep a running total. 
• I have a folder with all our IVF paperwork, including all bills, etc. In case there is ever any questioning of our expenses I can easily get to the item in question. 
• I didn't keep track of mileage, (should have) but if you wanted to, just write your appointments on the calendar with the location of the appointments. Figure out the round trip mileage for those appointments and write it under the appointment (this should be easy because it will be the same for most appointments.) 

You can deduct your medical expenses if they are more than 10% of your adjusted gross income (AGI)

Here is a good explanation from H&R Block on exactly what you can deduct:

For any medical condition, it includes the cost of:

• Diagnosis

• Cure

• Mitigation

• Treatment

• Prevention

• Items needed for the above purposes, including:

1. Equipment
2. Supplies
3. Diagnostic devices

• Cost of medical care from any of these types of practitioners:

1. Acupuncturists
2. Chiropractors
3. Dentists
4. Eye doctors
5. Medical doctors
6. Occupational therapists
7. Osteopathic doctors
8. Physical therapists
9. Podiatrists
10. Psychiatrists
11. Psychoanalysts giving medical care
12. Psychologists
13. Other qualified medical practitioners

• Transportation costs to and from medical care. If you drive your own car, the deduction is 23 cents per mile in 2016.

• Prescription medicines

If you want to deduct medical expenses, they must alleviate or prevent a physical or mental defect or illness. You can't deduct expenses that simply benefit general health, like vitamins or a vacation.

The Chains That Bind Me

If you know me in person, you know I pretty much never leave the house without my bangles, a watch (it is just for looks and doesn't even have batteries in it) earrings, a necklace or two, my glasses and my rings. These things are not essential to my life, (ok, the glasses are - I can't see without them) but they make me feel put together and complete my pretty simple wardrobe of plain tunics, cardigans and 'old lady' flats.

This week I was not feeling well, I had a headache for five days straight and collapsed into bed as often as I could manage. During one of these desperate attempts at some sleep, I crashed with all my jewelry on. Despite being incredibly tired and in need of rest, I could not get comfortable. Metallic clanking, chains choking me, earring posts poking me and rings strangling my fingers. I took off one piece at a time, too tired to mess with taking it all off. When I was done, I was without a single accessory. I was comfortable and I was free to sleep.

I have been thinking about that this week when I get some quiet time. Hebrews 12 again came to mind as I was contemplating unnecessary chains that bind me.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who by faith have testified to the truth of God’s absolute faithfulness], stripping off every unnecessary weight and the sin which so easily and cleverly entangles us, let us run with endurance and active persistence the race that is set before us..."~Hebrews 12:1 

There is nothing wrong with my jewelry, I find it tasteful and it gives me confidence. However, I thought about the metaphorical chains that bind me daily. As I try to live for the Lord and do what I feel he has asked me to do, I have small things that, mostly, I have allowed into my life that hold me back. As I try to rest in God's promises, there are little pokes and uncomfortable prods from areas of my life that I have not taken the time to get rid of. Areas that I hang on to, that keep me from being all I know I can be, and all I know God has for me.

"He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains."Psalm 107:14

“Let us break their chains and throw off their shackles.”~Psalm 2:3 

I suffer with Areas of self doubt,  jealousy and even some anger problems. Those are just the beginning. Fear is a large area I  constantly battle. I wear it, not like a pretty gold necklace, but as a heavy chain around my shoulders, weighing me down. There are times life is hard to live with this fear binding me, and much sleep has been lost because of it. The fact that it is still there is no one's fault buy my own. I keep putting it at the feet of Jesus and picking it right back up. It is uncomfortable, but it is familiar, so I go back to it ALL the time.

Just as I put on the pieces of jewelry to prepare for the day, and then take them off again at night, I need to be in the practice of putting on the armor of God every morning to be equipped to fight those areas that hold me back. Every night, I need to take off anything that has managed to attach its self to me and lay it at Jesus' feet. I have the ritual already in place with my accessories, so why not add some meaning to it? 

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit,which is the word of God.And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."
~Eph 6:10-18

As with my jewelry, it serves a purpose, and has its place. Sometimes fear and some well-placed worry or burden is not a bad thing. When we wear it longer than we need to, or try to use it keep it on when we should have laid it aside is when it becomes an entanglement and an issue. In this crazy world and in this crazy little life I live, there are times I can't help buy worry. It is what I do with that worry that counts though. I can choose to layer my shoulders with heavy chains, or I can lay them down daily before they are forged into something ugly I carry around with me.

What are the chains you wear? Can you take them off and place them at the feet of Jesus before they bind you?

What To Do When IVF Fails

I admit it, although I did have moments of doubt, I was pretty convinced we would have a successful IVF cycle this time. Our first IVF went so smoothly my expectations of what was going to happen were a bit warped. Even my Dr. admitted he was expecting a pretty easy ride because of how well it went before.

When we had our canceled cycle in January because I was SO sick with the flu and ran a high fever, I thought, "Ok. That's it. We have had our bad luck. Karma (not that I believe in it) says I get good luck next time." Unfortunately, that's not how life works. Our February cycle failed and it was devastating.

Here are some things we did that helped me through the process. Hopefully this helps someone else.

Don't Spend Too Much Time Alone
Even if you are an introvert, I encourage you to be around people. Yeah, if you have been open about what is going on, you will have to answer some questions and have people be a little careful about your feelings, but that's ok. You are loved and others are showing their love and support by acknowledging the pain you are in. In my experience, once those initial questions are asked and answered, everyone relaxes and things feel normal.

After our recent failed cycle, my parents drove across the state to come see me. They took my family out for dinner and then my son and I went home with them. I hated leaving my husband after all we had just been through, but I also didn't want to sit at home alone while he was at work. We had planned to go to my parents just a two days later for my nephew's birthday, so it only made sense.

Not everyone has that option, but I do encourage you to find ways to not be alone too much. For me, I tend to feel sorry for myself and get a little too introspective if left alone right after something like this happens. I need a distraction.

Follow Up
The idea of starting another cycle might be overwhelming for you, and that's ok. If you are wanting to continue to try for a baby, do not put off at least scheduling your follow up appointment. Getting answers and talking to the Dr. can help you to have some closure on your failed cycle.

We chose to turn our transfer appointment into a follow up consultation with our Dr. We got a few answers to some questions we had come up with in general. By the time we left the clinic, our Dr. had a new protocol written for us and we had a plan in place for another cycle.

It seems quick to already be anticipating another IVF cycle, but in reality, it isn't. A typical IVF cycle, with all three phases (suppression, stimulation and retrieval / transfer) takes about two months total. Add the two weeks of waiting for my menstrual cycle to start, indicating the beginning of that two months and it can seem like forever.

Waiting too long can also mean that you have to repeat some very expensive tests instead of 'skipping' ahead of that part. There are some CDC required labs that are super expensive that have to be done yearly for all IVF participants as well as ultrasounds, PAPs, etc. Also, as in our case, if you have any medications left over, and finances are a factor, if you start right away, you can use those medications before they expire. Every penny counts, and the medications are super expensive.

Do Something Fun or Different
This one could have been rolled into the first suggestion, but I thought it needed some extra attention.
This time is a sad one, but it does not have to be depressing. Find something to celebrate, even if it is a Tuesday, and get out of the house. Go see a movie on a week night or go to a new restaurant you haven't tried. Really, this is all about distraction, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Know that it is ok to move on and to live your life to the fullest even when your little one can't. Mourning is important (see below) but so is living. Now, this might not be the time to finally go sky diving, but do something, even if it is small.

Don't Blame Yourself (or anyone else) 
Your failed cycle is NOT your fault. I'm assuming you are a reasonable person who did what the Dr. told them and followed your instructions. Believe it or not, we overheard two of the nurses taking and there was a client they were very frustrated with because they were not cooperating and kept doing things they were told not to and not doing things they were told to. I'll assume you are not one of these people. If you are, well... best of luck.

You or your partner have a medical condition and it is not your fault. No matter your diagnosis, this is something beyond your control. Medical science is an amazing thing, but even it has limitations. We can pray and hope and do everything we are told to do, but sometimes it is just not enough. Even though the success rates seem to be trending higher every year, IVF is still a big gamble and sometimes we lose the bet. There are SO many factors to consider. To try to pinpoint one reason a cycle failed would be impossible. Sometimes everything seems to go right until the very end and the blastocyst just stops developing. No one is to blame, not even your Dr.  - they are invested in your success, and every failure reflects their success rates, and possible future clientele.

Don't try to understand why it didn't work. Just come to grips with the fact and find ways to move on. That sounds really insensitive, but I promise, it is not. Obviously, do everything your Dr. suggests. Get further testing if you need to and develop a new plan, but don't try to micromanage and direct your failed cycle. There is nothing you can do about it. Spend your energy concentrating on the future and the next cycle (if you are going that route.)

Talk About Your feelings
I've said this a million times on this blog, but don't bottle up your feelings. Find someone, even if it is only (especially?) your spouse and tell them how you feel. Not everyone is willing or able to write a blog about their experience, and that is ok. You don't have to be eloquent or even that coherent, but get your thoughts out.

Allow your spouse to talk about their feelings and support them as they are hurting as well. One of the sweetest and closest times with my husband in a while was in the car just after we found out our cycle had failed. We shared our hopes and cried together. He told me how proud he was of me and that he admired how strong I was. (I don't feel strong - He is the strong one, and I lean heavily on that strength on a daily basis.) I won't go into our entire conversation, but it was a good one. Some of it was sad, but it was so great to be able to openly share with each other. Despite the sad occasion, it will be a memory I will cherish for a long time.

Cry, be sad, even angry for a short while. Write your feelings in a journal or even better, write a letter to someone special who has been praying for you. Most of my writing on this blog is directed towards those who share my faith and there are certain things I take for granted, and one of those is that there is a group of people praying for your success and for your hearts during this process. Let those people know how you are doing and give them specific areas they can pray about for you.

As I was so open about our experience, I was shocked to find out how many people we had lifting us up in prayer. One of our posts for urgent prayer during a difficult part of the process reached over 2,000 people just on Facebook! Add that to our church family, actual family, friends and friends of friends and family, and I know we had that many PLUS people standing with us. I truly believe that I am able to be where I am emotionally right now because I shared my feelings and allowed people to be able to pray when I sometimes was not able to myself.

Mourn your loss
IT IS OK TO MOURN. You lost a child, even if that child was tiny. God loves you and He loves that little baby. Rest in the fact that your child is in the arms of Jesus and picture it there. I picture it with our other two heaven babies and find comfort that they have each other. I'm not sure how theologically accurate that is, but it helps my heart. I picture my great grandparents and other friends and family in heaven who get to love on them.

To me, This part is especially important in today's culture. In a society that says it is okay to end the life of a baby in the womb, and says that it is not life, someone like me who morons the life of an embryo is probably considered a freak. I'm sure there are a good number of people who would laugh my whole experience off.

Someone else's values and feelings DO NOT negate or dictate yours. As christians we are called to be in the world but not of it. We are called to be a peculiar people and to stand for our values and beliefs, even when it is odd to the rest of the world. Mourning and not being ashamed of the real love you had for this CHILD is not only important for your heart to begin to move on, but it is taking a stand for life in the face of today's culture.

Invest In Your Existing Relationships
Mourning and being introverted and introspective is normal and even good to a certain degree. HOEVER, do not forget there is an entire world out there beyond the hurt you are feeling. Your family and friends are waiting for you and care about you. Many of them are also hurting for you and even themselves. Your parents, for example have just heard that the grand baby they were hoping for is no longer going to be here by Christmas.

Love on your circle. Find ways to show love to others. For me, that was going home with my parents and spending some time with my siblings and their families. I got to babysit my niece one afternoon, and that was the most time I had spent with her one-on-one. It was a balm to my heart and watching her chubby little legs as she practiced walking was adorable. My nephew turned five while I was there and I helped prepare for his party. These are little things, but they are great for turning your attention from inward to outward focus.

If you do not have a large circle to love on, concentrate on your spouse. Show your husband how much you love and appreciate him. Turn to each other in your pain. I am going to get personal here, but have sex. Seriously. With infertility this act of love can become nothing but a chore. With IVF it becomes not only a chore, but painful and (I'm going to admit it) a bit of an annoyance. I love my husband deeply, but I am sore and my clothes don't fit and I feel fat and like a giant blob - intimacy is the last thing I want. This is exactly why I say to do it. Give that gift to your husband. In the end you will both benefit.

Don't Forget About Yourself
Self care is a bit of a buzz phrase right now, and I'm not sure I agree with the idea 100% that you deserve the self care all the time and to indulge in self care as often as you can, HOWEVER, after IVF, you get a license to indulge a bit, especially after a failed cycle.

Find something that makes you happy and do it. For me, it was taking long, hot baths with epsom salts, essential oils and the hallmark tv app on my phone. After IVF you might not be able to afford a weekend to the spa, but you can find little things to do to help your mind and body feel better. Here is a little list for you with some of my favorite ideas:

• Do something for no other reason than it makes you happy
• If you use essential oils, diffuse something that makes you happy. (I have been wearing stress away constantly and really think it helps) 
• Have a good laugh
• Indulge in a good book just for fun
• Take a nap (every day if you have to)
• Take a long bath with a face mask on. When you get out you will feel like you have been to the spa.
• Get a pedicure
• Buy yourself an adult coloring book and use it
• Allow yourself a good cry
• Eat crab rangoons (or whatever your food indulgence is) 
• Buy a journaling bible and start using it 
• Start a good bible study (like this one) 
• Buy yourself a piece of art (like this one - I love it and plan to purchase it. It is also the art used in this post cover photo.)

A failed IVF cycle is not the end of the world (although it might feel like it for a time.) Rather you are going to keep trying, or this was your last attempt, know that God has a plan for you, and His work is not yet done in you. You may not know what that looks like right now, but you will. Keep praying about it and believing that He has wonderful things in store for you. 

When IVF Fails

Our little embryo we prayed for and hoped would be our new family member didn't make. Yes, IVF failed us, but God didn't. 

Wednesday, as we were on the way to the clinic, we prayed out loud together for this process and for this little life. We prayed that we would be prepared for all outcomes and that our hearts would be able to handle whatever happened. We promised that no matter what the result of the transfer, that we would praise God through it. 

About five minutes later, we stopped to get some gas and coffee. While I was in the station getting our coffee, Cam got the call we had been dreading getting. It was the clinic, and they were calling to tell us that we didn't have an embryo to transfer. Our little 'Embie' had not made it. When I got back in the car, Cam had the job of telling me. At first, I thought he was trying to be funny, but I knew he wouldn't be that cruel. His expression wasn't a joking one. It was true, Everything we had hoped for, everything we had planned on and sacrificed for was now over. With a single phone call, our future as we imagined it was changed. 

That might sound dramatic to some, but it is true. Having two kids was a reality we were prepared for and moving toward, and suddenly, it was not an option. The rooms we were preparing to update to get ready for this new family member would stay the same for now. The place in our hearts that this little life would fill was suddenly an open and painful hole. 

It wasn't just an embryo we lost. It was a life. Yes, it was the tiniest of lives, and it hadn't had a chance to live, but it was life. It was wanted and loved. It was more than a day 5 embryo, it was my baby. Since November I had been poked and prodded. I have been on medications that made me incredibly sick. I have gained 20 pounds and had SO many dr.'s appointments. Emotionally, and even chemically, I was pregnant. Emotionally, this was not a day 5 embryo loss, but a 4 month pregnancy miscarriage.

It was hard to hear, but there was nothing we could do about it. We went ahead and kept our appointment with our Dr. just so we could discuss with him the next steps in the process. Sitting in the waiting room, waiting for our appointment was surreal. Usually, there are several other couples in the waiting room, and it is a bustle of activity. It felt abandoned, and was too quiet. The water fountain wasn't even on. I checked in with the receptionist and she reminded me I needed a full bladder for transfer - she didn't know I wouldn't be having one.

We met with the Dr. who didn't have a lot of answers for us. He said that this was a really odd cycle and it was just a "bad bunch of eggs." He said that female fertility issues were not a concern at this point just based on one bad cycle. We will have to try again before we think in that direction. We asked about other options and if we were candidates, and the short answer is no.

I'm not exactly sure of what scale he is referring to, so I was having trouble looking up more details, but he said that our semen analysis shows a morphology rate of 4. According to him, there are 5 levels, 1 being normal and great, 5 being complete infertility, and the cut-off for even doing IVF (donor sperm would be the only option.) Because of this, any other option would not be successful. He explained that there is nothing that can be done for sperm quality, only quantity. You can do things to increase sperm count and make them swim better, etc. but there is nothing that can be done about the morphology issue.

As of now, my Dr. wrote me a new protocol, using different medications, and we will begin our third IVF cycle (since trying for baby #2) in April. I am tired and I am discouraged, but I am hopeful for the future. We think it is better to start again right away while I am used to being a pin cushion. We also have a couple of medications we have left over from this last cycle we won't have to buy again and there are some other benefits of pushing ahead right away vs. waiting.

This upcoming cycle might be the hardest one yet, having had two failed cycles previously. I'm not sure that I have the strength to try it again if this one does not work. However, I have faith that God will provide for us. We have had SO many people praying for us and standing with us through this process. We can feel those prayers and know how vital they have been in this process. Thank you to those of you who have prayed for and loved on us through this journey. We truly appreciate it.

To Rest or Not To Rest

"He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD."

"Whether bed rest is necessary, and for how long is still an issue of debate. When IVF first started, patients were rested strictly flat on their backs for 24 h. Subsequently embryo transfer became an outpatient procedure, with most women having only a few minutes rest."~ Oxford Academic

There is SO much debate around the issue of resting or remaining active after your embryo transfer. I'm not sure anyone really knows the right answer, so there are a LOT of opinions floating around. What I am about to put is solely my own two cents, based on my reading and experience.

Personally, I am going to rest. When we did our first IVF, I was not working and I didn't have any kids to take care of. I came home from transfer, took a nap and watched TV. I wasn't on bed rest by any means, but I definitely didn't go on a jog or go shopping at the mall. That resulted in our son, so I did something right.

I recently talked to a friend who has done IVF several times, and she advised rest. Out of the six total IVF attempts she has had, two were successful. The only factor that was the same in both cycles was that she rested after transfer. Of course, there could be many other variables she didn't account for, or didn't think of, but based on her experience, rest it is.

Survey found on BabyCenter.com

Quotes about bed rest from moms around the internet:  

"My clinic recommends taking it easy for a week. So no going to the gym, running and exhausting things like that. I was also told not to get too hot as this could damage the embryo. My advice would be to take it easy, but there is no need for total bedrest..." 

"My dr said to take it easy for the first 48 hours. I was pretty strict about the first 24, I didn't get up for anything other than the bathroom. After 24 hours implantation should have take place so I still was relaxed but I moved to the couch and was a little more active. After going through everything the last thing you want is for the embryo not to take because you couldn't just rest for a few days! "

Now, I am not sure I believe that being a complete couch potato is the answer. (Although, having my husband watching the toddler and being brought lunch on a tray in bed sounds like a wonderful vacation.) There is evidence that increased blood flow to the uterine lining can actually help implantation. I don't plan to be a complete bum, but I do want to give this little life the best possible chance of making it.

Here is how it is going to work for us: Cam's mom is going to watch our son at our house while we do the transfer and until either my mom can make it to our house, or Cam gets off work. I plan to come home from the clinic, take a nap and then the rest of transfer day, and the one after, taking it really easy. I will not be picking up my son or carrying a laundry basket (my husband's words.) I think I will be writing or doing some knitting while I rest. It's the perfect time to finish that pair of socks I started many moons ago.

We are lucky to have a circle of family and friends who are willing and wanting to help us, especially with our son. Having him taken care of takes most of the physical pressure off of me. I have been working to get all the laundry caught up and getting the house in decent condition so that I won't be tempted to work during my two days of rest.

As with any topic, I am sure if one wanted to, you can find just as many statements against what I just wrote as I found to support it. That's fine. As I stated, this is anecdotal and purely an opinion piece. Do your research and do what feels right to you. Every single IVF cycle is different, and every mother's body is different. Fitness, health and activity levels do play a part in IVF success, as well as age and your specific diagnosis.

There are some other things besides rest I plan on doing to try to help my little embryo along. Hopefully I can get time to write that down for you in the next day or so. Most of these are 'wives tales' in the fertility world, but I'm totally willing to try them.

Embryo Update, DAY 3

Day 3 post retrieval was the most stressful day so far.

We were anticipating communications from our clinic on Sunday and did not receive any. Then, none came on Monday either. When we did IVF in 2014, we got daily embryo scoring emails with updates on the number and quality grading of each embryo. This really helped to keep our anxiety levels down since we knew what was going on.

After a sleepless night and a morning of trying to work and not being able to concentrate, Cam and I both called the office and also left messages on our portal. No one was responding. After many failed attempts to gain information, Cam actually told them that he was going to drive to the clinic and camp out in the waiting room until he could find out what was going on. At that point, the receptionist did offer to take a note to the nurse, which I guess she ended up doing. We had a phone call and a message on our portal very shortly after that. I kinda felt bad about being pushy, but our lives felt as though they were hanging in limbo, and the only people who could help were not being very accommodating. We just wanted a simple yes, or no to our question: do we still have an embryo?!

I guess they did some policy changes and in just the couple of years since we had done it, they no longer consider it best practice to disturb the growing embryos, taking them out of the incubator to grade them.

We read all of the paperwork, and it never explicitly stated we would get information, but it never said we would not either. I think we kinda 'got in trouble' for not reading the papers throughly, but I promise, we did. We just read them with a preconceived idea of what was going to happen, therefore our brains filled in the gaps where info was lacking. Not good. Below are the two places that we were told that we would not be receiving daily grading. Personally, I think it is a little vague.

Our nurse did contact our Dr. and the Embryologist for us and they took a look and graded our embryo. As of about noon, we have a grade 3, 5 cell embryo. Based on the info they provided, I am not sure if that is actually good or bad, but at least we know. Everything I can find online seems to be opposite of what our clinic uses. I remember it was the same last time as well, so I did expect this.

After we finally got information fro the clinic, and were assured that we would be contacted if something happened to little 'Embie' I felt better. HOWEVER, the anxiety was still there, and will be probably until I get that positive pregnancy test.

I have a horrible habit of eating my feelings. Nervous eating is one of my very worst bad habits. Between all the random food I was shoveling in and all the medications I was on, my digestion was ALL kinds of messed up. I was bloated and gassy and miserable. My haunches hurt from the progesterone injections and I just wanted to take a bath. Soaking in a hot bath with some essential oils and a good audio book sounded like heaven. Just kidding. From the egg retrieval to the positive pregnancy test, baths are not recommended. Sad day.

For now, it is just more waiting. We will get a call Tuesday afternoon to schedule our transfer on Wednesday. Over half way there!!!

No Longer A Slave

This morning I woke early and spent some time alone in the quiet house, waiting for everyone else to wake up. I put off checking for information about our embryo, afraid to get news, good or bad, while I was alone. After the house began to stir, I did check the portal, and there was no news.

It is now 4:30pm and I have checked several more times still with no news. This is making my nerves on edge and absolutely exhausts me. My brain and body both feel like they can't take any more. exhaustion was several hours ago - I'm now just running in zombie mode. I remember getting updates every day when we did IVF with our son, so I am trying not to read anything into not hearing from them today. 

I am trying to remain calm and to remember to be thankful for what we have. I keep watching my son and reminding myself that no matter what happens, he is ours to keep. God has already given us one miracle baby and I will always be thankful for him. Nothing can cheapen or take that away from me.

Today at Church, the first song we sang spoke directly to my heart. As much as I love to sing, I couldn't make a sound come out. I just stood there, mouthing the words with hands raised high and tears streaming down my face. It has helped me today and I have gone over the lyrics many times when I start wanting to pace the floor or wring my hands in anxiety. 

"No Longer Slaves"

You unravel me with a melody
You surround me with a song
Of deliverance from my enemies
'Til all my fears are gone

I'm no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God

From my mother's womb
You have chosen me
Love has called my name
I've been born again
Into your family
Your blood flows through my veins

I'm no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God

I am surrounded
By the arms of the father
I am surrounded
By songs of deliverance

We've been liberated
From our bondage
We're the sons and the daughters
Let us sing our freedom

You split the sea
So I could walk right through it
My fears were drowned in perfect love
You rescued me
And I could stand and sing
I am a child of God...

You split the sea
So I could walk right through it
You drowned my fears in perfect love
You rescued me
And I will stand and sing
I am a child of God

Yes, I am
I am a child of God
I am a child of God
Yes, I am
I am a child of God
Full of faith
Yes, I am a child of God
I am a child of God

I'm no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God

We recently dedicated our son, and we were reminded that he was already God's before we made the public decision to give him to God. We were just acknowledging what we have known all along, that we are giving to God what is already His. Today, as one of the pastors prayed, he asked us to lay down what was keeping us from full fellowship with God. He reminded us that what we have and what we wish for, our past and our future belong to God, and that if we surrender it all to Him that we are just giving back and releasing control of something that was never ours to begin with. That wasn't the exact words used, but it was the message I heard. 

Through all of this process, I have prayed for this little life. I have cried over it and I have worried about it. I had not however surrendered it to the Lord - not fully. That is a hard one. Laying my first and best offering at the feet of Jesus and letting go of my tight-knuckled grip on it is almost more than I can do. I want to. I really do. I am working on it. 

I just don't know what that looks like right now. 

Not knowing, not having a plan and feeling like the remainder of our lives are in limbo over this tiny little life is overwhelming to say the least. I don't know how to go through this without worry or anxiety. Many times in the bible we are commanded to not worry or to be anxious. I have even made word art of many verses and placed them around my home to remind me. I wish I were strong and didn't so easily slip back into anxiety and fear.

As a child of God, I don't have to live by fear. I can walk in confidence knowing Him and all the promises in His word. I can claim those promises for myself and my family. I do. I claim them. Sometimes though, my strength fails me and my faith is weak. That is when the rest of the body of Christ sustains me through prayers, etc. I have so many people praying for me and my family - for this tiny little life. I was reminded many times today of those people praying for us. I am thankful for this. SO incredibly thankful. There is no way we could make it through this without our family and extended family of God. That is the beauty of a community of faith.