What To Do When IVF Fails

I admit it, although I did have moments of doubt, I was pretty convinced we would have a successful IVF cycle this time. Our first IVF went so smoothly my expectations of what was going to happen were a bit warped. Even my Dr. admitted he was expecting a pretty easy ride because of how well it went before.

When we had our canceled cycle in January because I was SO sick with the flu and ran a high fever, I thought, "Ok. That's it. We have had our bad luck. Karma (not that I believe in it) says I get good luck next time." Unfortunately, that's not how life works. Our February cycle failed and it was devastating.

Here are some things we did that helped me through the process. Hopefully this helps someone else.

Don't Spend Too Much Time Alone
Even if you are an introvert, I encourage you to be around people. Yeah, if you have been open about what is going on, you will have to answer some questions and have people be a little careful about your feelings, but that's ok. You are loved and others are showing their love and support by acknowledging the pain you are in. In my experience, once those initial questions are asked and answered, everyone relaxes and things feel normal.

After our recent failed cycle, my parents drove across the state to come see me. They took my family out for dinner and then my son and I went home with them. I hated leaving my husband after all we had just been through, but I also didn't want to sit at home alone while he was at work. We had planned to go to my parents just a two days later for my nephew's birthday, so it only made sense.

Not everyone has that option, but I do encourage you to find ways to not be alone too much. For me, I tend to feel sorry for myself and get a little too introspective if left alone right after something like this happens. I need a distraction.

Follow Up
The idea of starting another cycle might be overwhelming for you, and that's ok. If you are wanting to continue to try for a baby, do not put off at least scheduling your follow up appointment. Getting answers and talking to the Dr. can help you to have some closure on your failed cycle.

We chose to turn our transfer appointment into a follow up consultation with our Dr. We got a few answers to some questions we had come up with in general. By the time we left the clinic, our Dr. had a new protocol written for us and we had a plan in place for another cycle.

It seems quick to already be anticipating another IVF cycle, but in reality, it isn't. A typical IVF cycle, with all three phases (suppression, stimulation and retrieval / transfer) takes about two months total. Add the two weeks of waiting for my menstrual cycle to start, indicating the beginning of that two months and it can seem like forever.

Waiting too long can also mean that you have to repeat some very expensive tests instead of 'skipping' ahead of that part. There are some CDC required labs that are super expensive that have to be done yearly for all IVF participants as well as ultrasounds, PAPs, etc. Also, as in our case, if you have any medications left over, and finances are a factor, if you start right away, you can use those medications before they expire. Every penny counts, and the medications are super expensive.

Do Something Fun or Different
This one could have been rolled into the first suggestion, but I thought it needed some extra attention.
This time is a sad one, but it does not have to be depressing. Find something to celebrate, even if it is a Tuesday, and get out of the house. Go see a movie on a week night or go to a new restaurant you haven't tried. Really, this is all about distraction, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Know that it is ok to move on and to live your life to the fullest even when your little one can't. Mourning is important (see below) but so is living. Now, this might not be the time to finally go sky diving, but do something, even if it is small.

Don't Blame Yourself (or anyone else) 
Your failed cycle is NOT your fault. I'm assuming you are a reasonable person who did what the Dr. told them and followed your instructions. Believe it or not, we overheard two of the nurses taking and there was a client they were very frustrated with because they were not cooperating and kept doing things they were told not to and not doing things they were told to. I'll assume you are not one of these people. If you are, well... best of luck.

You or your partner have a medical condition and it is not your fault. No matter your diagnosis, this is something beyond your control. Medical science is an amazing thing, but even it has limitations. We can pray and hope and do everything we are told to do, but sometimes it is just not enough. Even though the success rates seem to be trending higher every year, IVF is still a big gamble and sometimes we lose the bet. There are SO many factors to consider. To try to pinpoint one reason a cycle failed would be impossible. Sometimes everything seems to go right until the very end and the blastocyst just stops developing. No one is to blame, not even your Dr.  - they are invested in your success, and every failure reflects their success rates, and possible future clientele.

Don't try to understand why it didn't work. Just come to grips with the fact and find ways to move on. That sounds really insensitive, but I promise, it is not. Obviously, do everything your Dr. suggests. Get further testing if you need to and develop a new plan, but don't try to micromanage and direct your failed cycle. There is nothing you can do about it. Spend your energy concentrating on the future and the next cycle (if you are going that route.)

Talk About Your feelings
I've said this a million times on this blog, but don't bottle up your feelings. Find someone, even if it is only (especially?) your spouse and tell them how you feel. Not everyone is willing or able to write a blog about their experience, and that is ok. You don't have to be eloquent or even that coherent, but get your thoughts out.

Allow your spouse to talk about their feelings and support them as they are hurting as well. One of the sweetest and closest times with my husband in a while was in the car just after we found out our cycle had failed. We shared our hopes and cried together. He told me how proud he was of me and that he admired how strong I was. (I don't feel strong - He is the strong one, and I lean heavily on that strength on a daily basis.) I won't go into our entire conversation, but it was a good one. Some of it was sad, but it was so great to be able to openly share with each other. Despite the sad occasion, it will be a memory I will cherish for a long time.

Cry, be sad, even angry for a short while. Write your feelings in a journal or even better, write a letter to someone special who has been praying for you. Most of my writing on this blog is directed towards those who share my faith and there are certain things I take for granted, and one of those is that there is a group of people praying for your success and for your hearts during this process. Let those people know how you are doing and give them specific areas they can pray about for you.

As I was so open about our experience, I was shocked to find out how many people we had lifting us up in prayer. One of our posts for urgent prayer during a difficult part of the process reached over 2,000 people just on Facebook! Add that to our church family, actual family, friends and friends of friends and family, and I know we had that many PLUS people standing with us. I truly believe that I am able to be where I am emotionally right now because I shared my feelings and allowed people to be able to pray when I sometimes was not able to myself.

Mourn your loss
IT IS OK TO MOURN. You lost a child, even if that child was tiny. God loves you and He loves that little baby. Rest in the fact that your child is in the arms of Jesus and picture it there. I picture it with our other two heaven babies and find comfort that they have each other. I'm not sure how theologically accurate that is, but it helps my heart. I picture my great grandparents and other friends and family in heaven who get to love on them.

To me, This part is especially important in today's culture. In a society that says it is okay to end the life of a baby in the womb, and says that it is not life, someone like me who morons the life of an embryo is probably considered a freak. I'm sure there are a good number of people who would laugh my whole experience off.

Someone else's values and feelings DO NOT negate or dictate yours. As christians we are called to be in the world but not of it. We are called to be a peculiar people and to stand for our values and beliefs, even when it is odd to the rest of the world. Mourning and not being ashamed of the real love you had for this CHILD is not only important for your heart to begin to move on, but it is taking a stand for life in the face of today's culture.

Invest In Your Existing Relationships
Mourning and being introverted and introspective is normal and even good to a certain degree. HOEVER, do not forget there is an entire world out there beyond the hurt you are feeling. Your family and friends are waiting for you and care about you. Many of them are also hurting for you and even themselves. Your parents, for example have just heard that the grand baby they were hoping for is no longer going to be here by Christmas.

Love on your circle. Find ways to show love to others. For me, that was going home with my parents and spending some time with my siblings and their families. I got to babysit my niece one afternoon, and that was the most time I had spent with her one-on-one. It was a balm to my heart and watching her chubby little legs as she practiced walking was adorable. My nephew turned five while I was there and I helped prepare for his party. These are little things, but they are great for turning your attention from inward to outward focus.

If you do not have a large circle to love on, concentrate on your spouse. Show your husband how much you love and appreciate him. Turn to each other in your pain. I am going to get personal here, but have sex. Seriously. With infertility this act of love can become nothing but a chore. With IVF it becomes not only a chore, but painful and (I'm going to admit it) a bit of an annoyance. I love my husband deeply, but I am sore and my clothes don't fit and I feel fat and like a giant blob - intimacy is the last thing I want. This is exactly why I say to do it. Give that gift to your husband. In the end you will both benefit.

Don't Forget About Yourself
Self care is a bit of a buzz phrase right now, and I'm not sure I agree with the idea 100% that you deserve the self care all the time and to indulge in self care as often as you can, HOWEVER, after IVF, you get a license to indulge a bit, especially after a failed cycle.

Find something that makes you happy and do it. For me, it was taking long, hot baths with epsom salts, essential oils and the hallmark tv app on my phone. After IVF you might not be able to afford a weekend to the spa, but you can find little things to do to help your mind and body feel better. Here is a little list for you with some of my favorite ideas:

• Do something for no other reason than it makes you happy
• If you use essential oils, diffuse something that makes you happy. (I have been wearing stress away constantly and really think it helps) 
• Have a good laugh
• Indulge in a good book just for fun
• Take a nap (every day if you have to)
• Take a long bath with a face mask on. When you get out you will feel like you have been to the spa.
• Get a pedicure
• Buy yourself an adult coloring book and use it
• Allow yourself a good cry
• Eat crab rangoons (or whatever your food indulgence is) 
• Buy a journaling bible and start using it 
• Start a good bible study (like this one) 
• Buy yourself a piece of art (like this one - I love it and plan to purchase it. It is also the art used in this post cover photo.)

A failed IVF cycle is not the end of the world (although it might feel like it for a time.) Rather you are going to keep trying, or this was your last attempt, know that God has a plan for you, and His work is not yet done in you. You may not know what that looks like right now, but you will. Keep praying about it and believing that He has wonderful things in store for you.