When IVF Fails

Our little embryo we prayed for and hoped would be our new family member didn't make. Yes, IVF failed us, but God didn't. 

Wednesday, as we were on the way to the clinic, we prayed out loud together for this process and for this little life. We prayed that we would be prepared for all outcomes and that our hearts would be able to handle whatever happened. We promised that no matter what the result of the transfer, that we would praise God through it. 

About five minutes later, we stopped to get some gas and coffee. While I was in the station getting our coffee, Cam got the call we had been dreading getting. It was the clinic, and they were calling to tell us that we didn't have an embryo to transfer. Our little 'Embie' had not made it. When I got back in the car, Cam had the job of telling me. At first, I thought he was trying to be funny, but I knew he wouldn't be that cruel. His expression wasn't a joking one. It was true, Everything we had hoped for, everything we had planned on and sacrificed for was now over. With a single phone call, our future as we imagined it was changed. 

That might sound dramatic to some, but it is true. Having two kids was a reality we were prepared for and moving toward, and suddenly, it was not an option. The rooms we were preparing to update to get ready for this new family member would stay the same for now. The place in our hearts that this little life would fill was suddenly an open and painful hole. 

It wasn't just an embryo we lost. It was a life. Yes, it was the tiniest of lives, and it hadn't had a chance to live, but it was life. It was wanted and loved. It was more than a day 5 embryo, it was my baby. Since November I had been poked and prodded. I have been on medications that made me incredibly sick. I have gained 20 pounds and had SO many dr.'s appointments. Emotionally, and even chemically, I was pregnant. Emotionally, this was not a day 5 embryo loss, but a 4 month pregnancy miscarriage.

It was hard to hear, but there was nothing we could do about it. We went ahead and kept our appointment with our Dr. just so we could discuss with him the next steps in the process. Sitting in the waiting room, waiting for our appointment was surreal. Usually, there are several other couples in the waiting room, and it is a bustle of activity. It felt abandoned, and was too quiet. The water fountain wasn't even on. I checked in with the receptionist and she reminded me I needed a full bladder for transfer - she didn't know I wouldn't be having one.

We met with the Dr. who didn't have a lot of answers for us. He said that this was a really odd cycle and it was just a "bad bunch of eggs." He said that female fertility issues were not a concern at this point just based on one bad cycle. We will have to try again before we think in that direction. We asked about other options and if we were candidates, and the short answer is no.

I'm not exactly sure of what scale he is referring to, so I was having trouble looking up more details, but he said that our semen analysis shows a morphology rate of 4. According to him, there are 5 levels, 1 being normal and great, 5 being complete infertility, and the cut-off for even doing IVF (donor sperm would be the only option.) Because of this, any other option would not be successful. He explained that there is nothing that can be done for sperm quality, only quantity. You can do things to increase sperm count and make them swim better, etc. but there is nothing that can be done about the morphology issue.

As of now, my Dr. wrote me a new protocol, using different medications, and we will begin our third IVF cycle (since trying for baby #2) in April. I am tired and I am discouraged, but I am hopeful for the future. We think it is better to start again right away while I am used to being a pin cushion. We also have a couple of medications we have left over from this last cycle we won't have to buy again and there are some other benefits of pushing ahead right away vs. waiting.

This upcoming cycle might be the hardest one yet, having had two failed cycles previously. I'm not sure that I have the strength to try it again if this one does not work. However, I have faith that God will provide for us. We have had SO many people praying for us and standing with us through this process. We can feel those prayers and know how vital they have been in this process. Thank you to those of you who have prayed for and loved on us through this journey. We truly appreciate it.