Let's Normalize The Infertility Conversation

I debated sharing this picture because, well, let's be honest... It isn't very flattering. I could pick my body apart and complain about those love handles. However, as I looked at it, it really showed the messy reality of IVF. Nothing about it is neat and tidy. Nothing about it is flattering. If you choose to go through it you are automatically one of the toughest and bravest people I know.

The picture above is of my 'targets' Cam has to use to give me my progesterone shots. Those little squares are where I will get shots every night until March 13th. If, We get a positive pregnancy test at that point, I will continue to get nightly shots until I am 10 weeks pregnant. Those love handles will swell even more and will be covered in bumps and bruises. They will itch and be so sore clothing will sometimes hurt to wear.

I share this picture because IVF isn't pretty. Sometimes it gets messy and nothing about it is glamorous. Even when you do everything right, sometimes things go wrong. This year has taught me that like nothing else can. We had a canceled IVF cycle and we are currently clinging to hope that our little embryo in the Tulsa lab is still dividing and growing strong.

I shared earlier today in my post about our day one embryo update about my 'tribe' my wonderful support group. I can not emphasize enough the need for such a group in your life, especially if you go through something like infertility or IVF.

It is so tempting to hold everything close to the chest and not share what is going on. I mean, sex is hard to talk about. Your own body betraying you and not working the way it was designed is not only heartbreaking, but can be embarrassing. To top it off, if you do share, people automatically expect you to have the answers to questions they will have. You won't. Unless you are like me, and actually like research, most people will not have those answers. People's questions can intimidate and scare you off from sharing.

This is another reason I share this picture. I want to normalize the conversation about infertility and IVF. If you look around you, you will be shocked to find that about one couple out of every four you know probably struggle with some kind of infertility. That is a shocking number, and yet we all feel alone. We all feel like we are the only ones going through it.

Sex is so normalized in our culture. We can't escape it. I mean, they try to sell you a hamburger with it! (And there is nothing sexy about stuffing your face with a giant messy hamburger) Yet, when you talk about it in the most basic scientific terms, if you mention sperm and semen analysis, or transvaginal ultrasounds, people get embarrassed and clam up. It is difficult to speak about infertility without talking about these things. It is what it is.

Even if you do not have a large, open group whom you feel comfortable discussing these things with, please, find someone to be your ear. Find someone who will see things from the same worldview of sanctity of life and who can appreciate what you are going through. If you do not have that someone, please contact me. I will be happy to be that person for you. I will be happy to listen.

Back to the questions people ask... It is unfortunate that even at the many appointments you go to, education about your diagnosis is not something that is ever focused on. It is up to you to educate yourself about what is going on with your body. I encourage you to do so. This blog is a good place to start, but please, do not stop here. Find other sources of information and research until you feel comfortable talking about your diagnosis. When people do ask you questions, you will be prepared to answer them and it will feel good. You will feel that you have some kind of handle on your situation.

Knowing what is going will not make things turn out the way you want, but you will be able to face what you are going through armed with knowledge and you will be better prepared for what you are going to have to come up against.

Embryo Update, DAY 1

This morning I forgot to be anxious to check my portal for news about our embryos. I woke up and played with four babies, had breakfast and hung out with my family. It wasn't until about 9am that I remembered I might have news.

The login process seemed to take forever as I was excited to see how my teeny little babies were growing. When the screen finally popped up, my heart leaped in my chest - there WAS information waiting for me.

This was not what I wanted to see.  Not only are my hopes of twins dashed, but I am very worried about even having a baby to transfer on day 5 (Wednesday.) Simply based on last time, they recovered 11 eggs, ICSI on 9 of them and three fertilized. By day 5, only one was left to transfer, the rest had 'expired.' 

Getting news every morning, presented so matter-of-factly on a database is so anticlimactic to a procedure that takes so much from me. Last time I mourned each death of each embryo as daily the number decreased. 

Each cycle is so different. I know that. I keep telling myself that it only takes one. I keep telling myself that God can grow this precious little life and that He loves and cares for it. I know all of these things. I know them in my head. I know them in my heart. This did not keep me from retreating to my room and having a good cry. 

Expectations are dangerous things. 

In my mind, I just knew that because I was being so open about our cycle, and giving praise to God through all we were encountering along the way, and trying to see the good even when it was hard, that some how I would get just what I wanted. I was operating under the incorrect guise that God was my genie in a bottle. He is not. 

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face." Job 13:5

I have nothing left to do but to pour out my heart to God in prayer for this tiny life. I feel almost selfish spending this much energy caring for and loving and worrying about this life that I have yet to meet. A mother's love, a mother's heart does not always do logical things. I have family fighting for the life of their teenage son, and I can't compare our situations, but I can empathize and easily place myself in their shoes. In  my world view, a child is a child, no matter how small. This life is desperately loved, cherished and hard-fought for.

This same family I mentioned is what is truly giving me strength right now. They reminded their friends through a recent post to think of "What are you afraid of?" What am I truly afraid of? Instead of simply being anxious and nervous in general, I thought specifically about what fears are haunting me and named them.
Here I go:
1. I am afraid that this baby will not make it to transfer day
2. I am afraid of the loss of all the finances and not having the ability to try again
3. I am afraid that my heart can not take the emotional roller coaster of loosing this embryo and trying again.
4. This would be baby #3 to have held in my heart and not my arms. Emotionally, mentally, that is a blow I am not sure I can take.
5. I am afraid of feeling like a failure.
6. I am afraid of the future. I desperately want H to have a sibling, and my arms long for another baby. I have no idea what that looks like if this embryo does not make it.

I know I should not go immediately to the negative of the situation. I know that. However, that seems to be my mode of operation. My first instinct is to think of everything that can go wrong. Usually, I process those things, and I am prepared for them when the time comes. If things do go right, I have even more reasons to celebrate the miracle I know happened. I realize this might not be the healthiest way to process things, but it seems to work for me.

When I was alone in my room, praying for this life and crying my heart out to God, my husband came in and hugged me tight and told me it was going to be ok. My mom then came in and we all talked and they let me cry and talk about my fears. Then, we all group hugged in the middle of my bed and prayed. We prayed for the future, we prayed for this tiny life and that God would keep his hands on it and help it to be strong and healthy.

I am so blessed to have the encouragement of friends and family who share my view of the sanctity of life and understand the emotions I am going through. To lose a life, no matter how little is difficult. I am thankful for the Love of my Father in Heaven. He never leaves me or forsakes me. He never sleeps or slumbers. His ways are not my ways and although I can not see His plan, I choose to trust His loving heart and know that He has more for me than I can comprehend.

In the end, it is not over yet. Tomorrow is another day, and I will get more information about this child. I will get a report that looks much like what is above, and we will go from there. We are not guaranteed good news, but neither should we automatically expect the news to be bad. There is hope. My faith is bigger than a mustard seed and my baby is much smaller than that. I am not expecting to move mountains, just to sustain a life. I am hoping and praying and choosing to believe that this is possible and WILL happen.

For now, I am pregnant until proven otherwise.

RETRIEVAL DAY

Yesterday I got to wake up on my 30th birthday and not have coffee and not get to use any concealer for the large bags under my eyes. It was retrieval day. The culmination of all the shots and medications and the day that would set the tone for the remainder of our IVF cycle. 

We got there early and so we had to sit in the pre-op room for longer than usual, but we talked to our sweet nurse to pass the time. One thing I am thankful for in this process is the friendly staff at our clinic. They really are top-notch. 

The only 'glitch' -and it was minor- was that I mentioned that I think I am allergic to the sesame oil in the progesterone medication I was to be starting. I described my reaction to it last time, hives, itching, redness and lots of swelling, and they had to rush around to try to find an alternative for me. I feel bead because I have had my medications since December and I could have mentioned it before. I really didn't think it was that big of a deal though. I thought I would use it again this time and see how I reacted. I only mentioned it really because I wanted to give them a heads-up in case I needed another option. They were concerned about me having a more serious reaction to it and going into anaphylaxis. Oops. As much as I had prepared for all of this, an allergic reaction was not something I had thought about. As I had no other choice, they told me to go ahead and use what I had on hand until Monday when the new medication, in olive oil, could be delivered. I was just told to take some Benadryl with it just in case.  I did this right before bed, and between that and the pain pill, I slept like a rock. 

Retrieval went well. I handled the anesthesia without much nausea, and besides a little grogginess and dizziness that lasted a few hours, there were no issues. It is now Saturday morning, and I have only taken three pain pills, so I really think that the pain is manageable and not that bad. My tummy is bloated and sore, but I can live with that. 

They retrieved 5 eggs, which is not a lot but we are praying it is enough to make a baby (or two.) when we had IVF with H, they retrieved 11. These numbers make me a little nervous, but I'm just praying my heart out that a good number fertilize and are able to grow strong and make it until transfer day.

In between having my retrieval and napping I had so many texts, calls and messages wishing me a happy day and good luck and prayers with our procedure I didn't have time to think about being 30. (I really have dreaded turning 30 for a while now.)

My family took me out to a nice dinner and then we went to my aunt's house for a surprise party. I was truly honored that some of my very favorite people spent their Friday evening celebrating with me. 

My evening to got to end with me taking seven pills and having my first big 'crunchy' (progesterone) intramuscular shot. It wasn't too bad. The dread and anticipation of it was far worse than the shot proper. I iced the area for about 30 minutes before and I think that helped. Last time, they gave me lidocaine and some patches to numb the area before the shot. They didn't give that to me this time, so I'm having to find other ways to make that giant needle not hurt so much. 

Is IVG The Next Big Thing?

It's no secret that I think IVF is a great tool for infertile couples. I hope that I have made it abundantly clear that there are many moral and ethical issues with IVF and that we have had to pray through and research our positions on for the various questions that arise during the process. While we choose to approach it from a position of honoring life, etc. there are many who pervert the process and create designer babies, do gender and chromosomal selection, etc. It is a sad reality, and I am often discouraged that I have to use this tool to get pregnant. However, I do feel that there are many couples who are in much the same situation as us who do not pervert this process and who also seek to honor life and God through the IVF process. IVF in its self is not evil. As with any tool, it can be used for 'evil' and not good.

If you are going through IVF (or know someone who is going through it or considering it) it is not something to take lightly. As with any medical procedure, you should do your research and prayerfully make your decisions and stick with them.

Yesterday, as I was on my eIVF patient portal I saw a news feed with an article with the following title: "New Research Lets Us Make Babies From Skin Cells." Intrigued, I read the article. I must admit, part of me was fascinated with the idea from a purely scientific, theoretical standpoint. That something like this is even remotely possible is cool from a purely scientific standpoint.

HOWEVER, from a moral and ethical standpoint, this new procedure, IVG, has SO many implications. Right in the article it states that it could be a tool for same-sex male couples to create a completely biological child of their own, using DNA and cells ("eggs") made from male cells. This is only the surface of the perversion of life that could happen. Talk about playing God.

My husband and I talked about this and besides seeing the potential for a real life Jurassic Park, the question was raised, if life created this way, does it have a soul. Of course, it is hard to tell, but we decided that yes, it does. It is a perversion of life, but it is life. Just as God will not keep free will from happening, I do not believe that he will keep this from happening, and he will allow the life to be created. Romans 1:24 says, "Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another." 

If you think that IVF has a lot of moral and ethical decisions, think about all the decisions facing people doing IVG. As with most things, there is a softer, more acceptable side, as in the case presented of a cancer survivor getting to have her own biological child when there are no viable eggs left in her body. This is awesome, but I am just not sure that the potential good outweighs the bad that can come from this procedure.

Of course, this research is in its infancy and has only been tested on mice at this point. It will be several years before it becomes a viable practice for humans. However, it will most likely happen in my lifetime. IVF for example, was only introduced to the human public in the 1950's in England. Look where it has gone since then.

The one great takeaway that I got from this article is that I serve an AMAZING GOD. That He would create a being that has enough information in the smallest parts of its being to be able to detangle it and make it into new life is simply mind-blowing.

If you would like to read the article, I have included it below.

New Research Lets Us Make Babies From Skin Cells

Article by June Javelosa about new fertility breakthrough (vitro gametogenesis – IVG) that will allow sex cells to be created from skin cells provided by Futurism. 

As far-fetched as this idea seems, it’s a possibility that scientists are now exploring after they successfully produced healthy mice using a process called in vitro gametogenesis (IVG). This is a revolutionary method involving embryonic stem cells that are reprogramed to become viable sex cells.

In the mice experiment, scientists made early stage mouse eggs from stem cells and grew them in the lab. Once the eggs matured, they fertilized them with mouse sperm and demonstrated that they could also be successfully implanted into a surrogate female mouse.

It’s important to note that the technology is still in its infancy. Creating eggs from skin cells is a possibility, but at this point, there is still some work to be done before it is truly viable in humans. The success of the mouse model, however, illustrates the opportunities that this technique could offer.

Obviously, IVG is revolutionary for the field of fertility medicine. It gives infertile people hope, especially those who are unable to have children because of cancer treatment. For example, collecting skin cells from patients undergoing chemotherapy means scientists can turn them into healthy eggs or sperm in case they become infertile as a result of treatment.

In short, the technique could render egg donors obsolete. For couples undergoing fertility treatments, they no longer have to choose from just a handful of viable embryos, they could potentially select from a bigger pool. It also makes the biological process of conceiving more democratic. Theoretically, the method can be used to produce egg cells from male skin cells, making it possible for a baby to be created from same-sex couples.

Perhaps as a testament to the promise of this technique, experts are already looking into IVG’s possible consequences this early into the study.

For instance, should the procedure eventually become accessible and inexpensive, we could face the possibility of ‘embryo farming,’ which for some, puts a focus on how this method can devalue human life. Perceived advantages, like making it possible for parents to select from a bigger pool of embryos, also has obvious downsides—like high-tech enabled eugenics.

Combined with advances in gene editing technology, it raises ethical concerns regarding human enhancement and designer babies. And with IVG theoretically making it possible for a baby to have three or more genetic parents, it raises questions regarding the legal rights and responsibilities of each parent.

It’s difficult to predict when technology like this will be ready for use in humans. Right now, any efforts to replicate the same results in primates or humans has proved unsuccessful. But the study is steadily moving forward, and as the authors pointed out:

[…] With science and medicine hurtling forward at breakneck speed, the rapid transformation of reproductive and regenerative medicine may surprise us. Before the inevitable, society will be well advised to strike and maintain a vigorous public conversation on the ethical challenges of IVG.

Pregnant by 30

Well guys, It looks like I will be pregnant until proven otherwise on my 30th birthday.

We had another appointment today and we still aren't sure if what we heard was good or bad. The Dr said he saw "4 or 5 follicles that look good." Not sure if he thinks we will only get that many (last time they retrieved 11) or that out of all they get he thinks there are going to be at least 4 or 5 he will be able to fertilize. He hinted at triggering tonight, so i was anxiously trying not to be anxious and forcing myself to not check my portal every three minutes. 

Because it is such a beautiful day, I took H for a picnic at the Lowes parking lot to watch the new shopping center construction. I might as well have taken him to Disney. He was in heaven. We also got groceries and he somehow managed to come home with another new toy, a garbage truck just like one of his favorite TV characters has. Right now he is napping with a garbage truck and a little trash can. I can hear him talking to it and saying, "The recycling is all gone now!"

After our distraction that took a couple of hours, I came home and immediately checked the computer for any news. It was there waiting patiently for me. 

We will continue as we have been tonight and tomorrow morning, but then I will get my trigger shot (ovidril, that tells my body to ovulate) tomorrow night. The retrieval procedure is scheduled for Friday, February 24th. People, that is my 30th birthday. The follicles will be fertilized Friday as well. We will know some time on Saturday how many actually 'took' and are officially embryos (little babies.)

Believing as I do that life begins at conception, by the end of the day on my 30th birthday (a date I have actually been dreading for some time now) I will be pregnant until proven otherwise. No matter how it turns out, we will have created life. The little life (lives) created have no idea how much they are already incredibly loved and wanted. 

I just want to praise God right now for His mercies and guidance through all of this. It has been a difficult process, and it is far from over, but I have felt His hand guiding us. I pray that he keeps his angles around our new tiny lives that will soon be in this world and helps them to grow big and strong to survive the process of getting back into mommy's tummy. 

If you have never thought about IVF before, this is an odd concept for you, but as of Friday evening, I will have children being baby sat by a Dr. while I am an hour away at home. As odd or silly as it sounds, that motherly protective instinct is already there and the idea makes me feel a little odd inside. Because I know there is nothing I can possibly do to hep the process except pray my heart out, I will be doing so. 

Please, if you are praying for us, also pray that those little 'embies' grow as they should and look strong and healthy under the microscope. Pray for me as I will be having surgery, and there is always risk involved. 

IVF, The Stim. Phase: Day Five

Today is day five of the stimulation phase of my IVF cycle. I am really beginning to feel my ovaries at this point.

We started stimulation medications on Wednesday the 15th. I take one oral pill and get two Follistem injections (150 dose each time) each day.  The needles are really small, and the shots haven't been too bad. Yesterday I noticed I am starting to bruise around my belly button, and my jeans are a little snug where I am bloating.

Today, Sunday the 19th of January we had our day 5 appointment where I had a blood draw and an ultrasound. My veins didn't want to give up any blood, despite the large amounts of fluids I had been drinking since waking up. I ended up getting stuck a total of four times before they got the vial filled. This was not their fault, but the fault of my teeny tiny veins and their stubbornness. An early morning appointment (8:15) didn't help anything.

My ultrasound went well. The Dr. said there were a lot of good size follicles on the right side, but some of them were actually looking too big, which means they might not have an egg in them, but could simply be fluid filled. On the left side, he didn't find as many follicles, but they were all a good size. Over all he didn't give much away either way, but seemed to be pleased with my ovaries.

The ultrasound today was much more uncomfortable than it has been in the past. My ovaries are beginning to get really large and as of this morning, I felt like I could feel them. The ultrasound probe pushing on my swollen ovaries was definitely not pleasant. Not incredibly painful, just uncomfortable.

This evening, I feel SO bloated. I am starting to have that full pregnancy feel to my whole abdomen area. I guess, since that is the ultimate goal, I can't complain much.

Tomorrow is exciting in its own way. We get to start doing a second injectable medication, Ganirellix (250 dose) in the morning. This means a total of three shots a day, which isn't exactly something to celebrate, but that means we are just that much closer to the end of the process. We only have five doses of this medication and in theory, should not have to order any more.

What does all of this mean?

If my body does what it is supposed to do, I should be able to do my trigger shot (Ovidrel) on the night of my 30th birthday. Happy Birthday to me!! That means that more than likely, I will be having my retrieval procedure next Sunday, the 26th. THE END IS NEAR!!!

Block Stitch Baby Blanket

BLOCK STITCH BABY BLANKET

I saw this pattern floating around the internet and thought it looked amazing. I was looking for just the right pattern to make my new niece or nephew a baby blanket. That's right, I am about to become an aunt for the 5th time! I have faithfully made a blanket for each of the other babies and I was not going to balk on tradition just because my life has become rather crazy. After all, it is things like this that I will be remembered for, not my clean house or my mad web design skills.

After a quick search, I found out this is called the block stitch. Guys, this is incredibly easy. It is two repeating rows that you do ad nauseam until you are satisfied with the size of your blanket. There really is no 'end' to it, since the DC portion (the white part in my blanket) creates a nice edge on its own.

This pattern is unique (to me) because you only turn your work every other row (only turn when you begin the DC row.) So, you work right to left with white, add a stitch holder to keep your work from unraveling and then instead of turning, you slide your work across your lap and begin again on the right side, adding a colored row. There are all kinds of ways you can join yarns to ensure you have a clean color change, but as you are not adding to a stitch (like when you add a color as you turn your work) this is very different. If you just follow the instructions as presented in the video below, you will have a nice looking blanket, but the tails will be floating on top of the blanket and it will be confusing to weave in your ends. This was the only thing I found difficult about the project.

I did come up with a good method of changing rows so that I set myself up later for easy and seamless weaving.

A sample of what your work will

look like with your foundation row

and one DC row complete. 

After completing the first alternate row

(the rainbow colors in my blanket)and you

have turned your work and are ready to begin your

second DC row, you should hold your work like

this so that your tail goes through the edge stitch.

You do the same thing on the other side of the blanket

when you are working with the other tail.

Just make sure your tail is between your working yarn

and the loop. 

What your work should look like
after you have completed your 2nd
DC row (with tails done as above.) 

A side view of what the tail should
look like if done as shown above.

         

Weaving in the tails is now easy!

Simply go into the next gap above 

where your tail comes out and weave

until you are satisfied it will hold.

This is what your edge will look like
after your tail is woven in. It is clean
and neat. 

The edging I chose to do on this blanket is SUPER simple. The first and last rows of DC serve as the first round of edging for the top and bottom of the blanket. All I did was repeat that same stitch on the sides, doing 3 DC in every space between rainbow colors (see image to left.) On the corners, I did add a ch3 and then join it with a slip stitch to the next side. After all edges had a 3DC pattern, I simply added a sc border to the entire project to give it a seamless look, joining with a slip stitch to finish it off. For the corners on this round, I did 3SC in the corner stitch to give it a nice, sharp edge. 

Here is the video I followed to learn the basic stitch. She explains things really well and I got the hang of it quickly. I didn't finish the video because I forgot to go back to it once I was confident in the stitch.

This entire project took me about three days, but I am a work at home mom of a two year old and there were a lot of distractions. If you have more time to concentrate on your work, I'm sure it would work up a lot faster than that. Below is a picture of my completed project.

I hope this helped you with the block stitch. This is my first instructional post, so I'm quite sure I left something important out. Comment below with questions or tips!