Six Things You Shouldn't Say to Someone Going Through IVF

I don't know if I've said this before, but I dislike blogs that are "__ things not to say to a __". It is as if each sub group of the population has a specific list of requirements that the greater population has to magically know, and IF they don't (or do) these things they are somehow offensive or not PC. I could go on about how I feel about it, but I won't since I am about to write one myself.

I KNOW, how hypocritical! As much as I hate these posts for the general principle behind them, sometimes they are useful. As in, if you have a friend struggling with infertility, going through IVF, etc. read up on it and know how to support them. It is okay to acknowledge their struggle (actually, please do) and here are some things you should probably avoid. I have been through all six of these either online or in person. I can say from experience that these things, while (sometimes) coming from a place of love, can hurt and just add to the stress of the situation.

1. Relax
Infertility is a medical diagnosis, just like any other disease. There are horrible medications, surgeries and countless invasive Dr.s appointments, not to mention the thousands of dollars spent. If relaxing to get pregnant was the answer, it surely would have happened already. Please, never tell anyone to relax. It is almost offensive and kinda downplays the whole struggle your friend is going through.

2. Maybe you will get pregnant on your own while doing IVF
Okay, in all fairness, this has happened. Miracles are still a thing today, and there are some people who have been lucky enough to get a baby that way. This is a rarity, not something that often happens. It's like saying, maybe your brain tumor will just disappear before you have to have surgery. Yeah, it can happen, God works wonders every day, but this isn't something to build your hopes on.

3. I have a friend...
Stop. Hearing about your friend who adopted and then miraculously got pregnant with twins the next month is just another success story that your friend has heard 15 versions of from everyone else. Also, stories of women who have trouble getting pregnant the first time and then have many babies naturally after that don't help anything. They are great stories, and if shared in general conversation as it naturally comes up is fine, but as a form of encouragement or advice, it is not exactly welcome.
Every diagnosis is so different and your other friend could have something entirely different going on. For example, if your friend's husband has severe male factor infertility, nothing besides an act of God or IVF with ICSI will make a baby.

4. Have you tried...
YES, your friend has tried it. If it is in an app, book, blog or podcast, she has tried it. Before having an official infertility diagnosis and all that entails, your friend has used every position and remedy recommended. She has timed intimacy to the minute and has read half a book with her legs in the air. She is way beyond that point. She now knows that the legs up approach is just a wive's tale and that nothing she had tried would help with her diagnosis.

5. Can't you just stop?
If your friend going through IVF is struggling, the best thing you can do is give her a big hug, pray for her (right there, don't just say you will do it) and maybe just let her talk about it for a while. Never EVER suggest she should give up if she is overwhelmed. You can't imagine the pain that causes coming from a stranger, let alone a friend. It seems so logical to some people, just stop the thing that is causing you pain, but it is far more complicated than that. Struggling with your hormones that are raging in ways you can not imagine, trying to ignore the constant nausea, living with highs and lows emotionally, and feeling like there is nothing in-between is utterly exhausting. There will be bad days, the longer the process, the more bad days there will be, but giving up is never the answer. Your friend going through IVF is a rock star, and if she is getting up and getting dressed and trying to be a prat of society, she is doing great. Encourage her in any way you can.

6. Adoption
There are two adoption issues, and I will cover them both.
If a friend is going through IVF she probably has already considered adoption and has either ruled it out as an option for her family, or has decided to try for one of her own first. Suggesting someone 'just adopt' is one of the biggest things that a lot of IVF couples hear. Adoption is not cut and dry simple. It is a long process, sometimes MUCH longer (years longer) than the IVF process and can cost up to about $50k if done as a private adoption. Sometimes people just want to make their own baby, and there is nothing wrong with that. Adoption is wonderful and I applaud people who have gone that route to make their families, but it isn't for everyone, and should not be treated as a bandaid and the sole 'treatment' for infertile couples.

So, your friend is half way through IVF, and she has way more embryos than she bargained for. She is overwhelmed (see number 5) and is struggling with what her future looks like. (Read my previous posts to find out how I feel about this) Do not suggest she give her babies up for adoption. Just. Don't. There may come a day in your friend's life, years down the road when she feels it is the best thing, and if that is her choice, so be it. However, God gave your friend those little babies, and they are all a gift. Cherish them with her. Offer to babysit or hold babies when you are needed, and support the family your friend has been given. Love on your friend and those tiny unborn babies. It will mean the world to her.

The part I dislike most about these types of posts is that it shackles the reader (friend in this case) and makes them feel like there is nothing they can say or do that won't hurt or offend. In a way, that is true. There is nothing you can do in this instance that can help in any tangible way. You can not make your friend or her husband suddenly not have infertility issues. However, there is a lot you can do.

Simply being a good friend is an obvious start. Ask your friend often how she is doing. Ask her what her next medication is or when her next appointment is. Offer to go with her to an appointment. She may not want you in the room, but the company for the drive to the clinic is nice. Treat your friend normally and encourage her to live life as much as possible. When she has bad days, bring her coffee, send her a text or do something that speaks to her. Make her a survival kit (see my post about it here) or go with her to get maternity pants (because she will want them even before she is pregnant because of all the swelling.)

If you are a best friend, most of this is probably obvious to you, and you have been a sounding board as she has gone through the process, this post is redundant for you. This is more for a friend who cares but doesn't know how to react to the situation. The best advice I can give you is to react. Just do it. There is nothing quite as lonely as going through something as huge as IVF and not having people ask about it or seem to care. Always having to be the one to bring up the subject or give the news gets old. It means more than you know to have someone randomly ask you about what you are going through and how you are doing.