Rotten Eggs Stink

April 12, 2017 - IVF cycle #3 for baby #2

This morning we had our Day 5 ultrasound. This means an early morning for all of us, which means our schedule is off and we have an odd, sleepy day. Maybe this is part of what I am feeling now, the effects of an early morning, but I am also struggling to maintain a positive attitude.

When you are laying on the little bed and getting an invasive ultrasound, it is never incredibly comfortable. If, during that time the Dr. is making faces and noises that do not sound promising, it is hard to not be concerned. After trying to ignore the feeling of dread, I broke down and asked him about it. He said there were a good number of eggs, but there were a lot of them that are already too big and some more small ones that are trying to pop up. You would think bigger is better, but in IVF, that's just not the case.

This time, as with our February cycle, there is a 'spread' in the size of eggs and the Dr. is concerned with the quality of this crop of eggs. Considering Sunday is Easter, and egg retrieval should be Monday or Tuesday, can I say that my Easter eggs are rotten? (dark humor...?)  He hinted at an earlier retrieval, just as we had to do last time.

I am trying not to jump to the worst-case situation, but it is hard to keep my mood positive. I feel like we are right where we were two months ago. I feel like there isn't much hope for this cycle, like this has been a big waste of time and finances. I am also a little depressed because all this time, I have thought that IVF was the perfect answer for us because Cam was the only one with fertility issues. My body was fertile and there was nothing wrong with me. That is not the case. It was my body all three times this attempt that kept us from getting pregnant. As much as I want to, I don't seem to be able to make a baby right now.

I keep reminding myself that all it takes is one good egg to make a baby, and that it isn't over yet. The cycle has not been canceled yet, and that is a good thing. I keep trying my very best to remind myself that God is in control and that He is not done yet. I keep trying to distract myself and not dwell on what could happen.

I have cried off and on today. On the way home from the Dr. Cam and I were both a little quiet, both taking in the information in our own way. Regardless of the outcome, this cycle is almost the end of a phase in our lives. Unless a miracle happens, or we decide in a couple of years to attempt IVF again, this is our last IVF cycle. We can't afford another cycle and emotionally, I am not sure I could do it again in the foreseeable future. What ever the result in the next week or so, this part of our lives is over.

I am trying not to be disappointed with our lives. This is not what I wanted for my life. Don't get me wrong, I ADORE my son, and I am incredibly thankful for him, but I desperately want him to have a sibling. Having lots of kids was my dream.

I'm sorry for the depressing post. I maybe should have waited for some space and perspective before writing, but as I have really tried to be honest and open about the process, I am sharing this with you as well.

If you are praying for us, please pray with us that I can maintain a positive attitude and that we can be hopeful for what is to come. Pray for that one egg - that's all it takes - and that we have a successful egg retrieval.