Honorable Service

For better or for worse, one thing I know about myself is I am a tough love person. I am empathetic and I love others, but I tend to err on the side of discipline, order and reason. Decisions aren't made as much out of emotion, but facts. Things done for others are because I truly feel a need to do them, never just because others are doing them or because someone else tells me they think I need to do x.

Maybe this is a bit of stubbornness and independence, I don't know. Most of the time this serves me well. I have done things for others and when I do, it is usually done in private as much as possible. Sometimes the person I've served doesn't even know I am the one who served them, let alone the rest of the world. When people make a big show about their service, it hits me the wrong way. It makes me want to not serve or to participate because it seems it is done for the accolades, not for the act of service in and of its self.

Often, when I feel called to service, my logical mind says, "They won't even notice the little I can do" or "I'm too busy," or "I'm not in the place financially right now." I use reason and logic to get out of doing something when it's not an obvious need. As a self-reliant person who hates asking for help, helping others in ways I am not usually comfortable receiving help is awkward to me.

The reason I tell you this is because I want to be clear that while, I don't do it often, I do give and I do serve. However, I have recently been feeling like I could do more. We have been studying honorable service at church for over a month now. We are studying what it looks like to serve the Lord and the many areas of life that touches. One of the ways to serve the Lord is to serve and bless others. Sometimes, when you feel the need, not just when they ask for help. Sometimes service is just doing something unexpected and kind for someone. I am learning to look for those little ways I can begin serving others on a regular basis and not just when a real need arises.

One of the ways I feel I serve is by writing this Blog. Most of the posts are about our infertility journey, and I feel a burden to share that journey as hope and encouragement for others in the same situation. My goal is to help raise awareness so others do not feel alone in their infertility journey. I also want to be a part of the change in conversation that takes infertility from a taboo subject of conversation to an open and honest topic. I want to change the view from just creating life to honoring and valuing life, even in the smallest form. Infertility is more than just a medical diagnosis and subsequent treatment. It is a life-changing issue that touches every part of your life. It is financial and emotional trauma. It is physical torture and marital problems. It is stress and exhaustion and hope and even failure. Many times there is no explanation and many couples do not make it through the process together.

I want to help change people's view of infertility and treatment. I want to be that voice of experience that says you can not only make it through infertility, but you can thrive in and through it together, as a couple with God as your support and your guide. I want to stress the importance of not thinking of this as making an embryo - a clump of cells- but of creating LIFE, and valuing said life as if were already a child. Infertility from a christian worldview is different and does not have to be as depressing. Yes, there are still hurts and I still cry, but I know the one who has the plans for my life in the palm of His hand, and I know that even if I don't see it, He is not done with me yet.

I know I have helped several couples by sharing our story, and this in turn blesses me more than I can say. There have been times it was hard to write out my emotions. It has been hard to be open and honest with how I am dealing with this IVF round that never seems to end. Getting through the day and keeping my family together is an accomplishment some days. Finding time to write and to share from my heart what is happening in our private lives is sometimes difficult. Most of the time I feel silly for writing. I sometimes forget about the people I have helped and wonder why I keep going.

I am not saying that we are perfect in any way - far from it. But I have been faithful in this task I feel He has put before me. I have continued to write, even when it is hard. I have looked for ways to serve others, (even in my own, small ways - baby steps) and I am working on my heart in relation to finding new ways to serve. I have found that God rewards His faithful people.

As you know by now, IVF is not cheap. On top of IVF, I have had some minor heath issues (headaches mainly) that we have been treating with chiropractic visits 2x/ week. We just found out today that our house needs four piers (the corner has decided to take a walk and go down the hill a bit) and the list goes on. When it rains, it pours. We are managing, and we would never ask for help in a million years. God has provided for us, and we are hanging in there. Some weeks, it is harder than others, but He is faithful, and we are taken care of and have never been in real need.

I got a design job last week that gave us money were not expecting. This weekend, we were unexpectedly given some $ by a family member. It paid for our trip to my parent's house plus some. THEN, when we got home from that trip, we had a card in the mail. It was from some cousins who told us they were praying for us and felt lead to help us financially with our IVF cycle. Enclosed was a check. I hesitate to even tell you about this, because I am not sure if I should. We looked at that check, and I cried. We are undeserving, and humbled and thankful for the blessing that check was to us. My first thought was to call them and tell them we couldn't accept it, but that didn't seem like the right thing to do.

They said that they had prayed about it and felt lead to help us. We had been praying that God would help us through all of this and show us how we are to proceed. Our cousins showed us what Honorable Service is. They followed what they felt God was leading them to do and they blessed us more than they could  have imagined. They were also an example to me of serving others - something I've already said I have been struggling with and finding ways to try to do so.

Please do not think that I am saying that I believe in a health/ wealth / prosperity gospel. I have never subscribed to that theology, and I think that technically, it is opposite of what I believe. We are promised nothing more than that God will be near His faithful during the trials that WILL come our way. He never says that we won't see the trials, but that He will be with us through them. He could have prompted someone to simply send an encouragement card, and that would have been touching and having the reminder that we have people praying for us would have been amazing.

He didn't though. He provided for our need, even when we didn't ask for help. He knew what was coming our way and provided for us. It was because of cousins who were faithful to God that He was able to work. This is such a good reminder that God is a big picture person. When we feel prompted to serve, even if it isn't something big, like a check, we should do it. Our actions and thoughts really do have an impact on others, even when we don't see it. I am reminded of the many times I have had little prompting to do something for someone and used that logic, or my busy schedule as an excuse not to follow that prompting. I wonder how many blessings I have robbed God of giving because I didn't listen to that voice? I'm not saying I need to give everything up and live in a hut so I can take care of everyone, but taking that happy hour Dr. Pepper to that friend, just because, or buying that flower and surprising someone... those things matter too. Lord, help me to listen when you call me to service in the future.