This plan makes sense, and we made it thinking that we would have four, possibly five embryos available, and factoring in the risks, that we would logically only have 2 or three actual live births from all those embryos. It was the ethical and responsible thing to do. It was the smartest financial decision as well, as we can not afford to continue paying for our kids to stay on ice into eternity. We already know that we would never destroy the embryos and have reached the unified and prayerful decision that we do not want to adopt them out.
The thing is I am struggling a bit right now. My heart and brain are sending me conflicting and confusing messages and I'm experiencing a little emotional overload. I am the one who always wanted a large family. I prayed for it and have shed so many tears over what I thought was the death of that dream. At one time I actually saw myself marrying young, maybe even to someone who already had a kid, starting off my adult life as a mom and just cruising along from there. Of course, I had this glorified idea of motherhood (I think I was about six or seven when I wanted this) that was far more fabulous than reality and may have been influenced by The Sound of Music. I have since dialed back the dream a bit, but one thing I knew for sure was I always wanted a minimum of three kids. Four was a prefect number in my mind. Wouldn't you know, I ended up falling head over heals with a man who wasn't sure he ever wanted kids and hadn't had much exposure to them.
You always want what you can't have, and maybe, just because I wanted a family so badly, he eventually came around and we both wanted to be parents with everything in us. By the time our son actually arrived, Cam was an old pro at the kid thing. We had nephews by then that adored their uncle, and he was in love with those little boys. Even as much as he loved them, nothing prepared him for fatherhood.
My husband has come into his own since becoming a father. He lights up when our son is in the room and delights in being his parent. For not really liking kids and not thinking he would enjoy being a parent, he is (and I am not exaggerating) one of the best dads out there. When our son was a couple of days old, and I was still in a fog of nursing and giant diaper underwear, he looked at me as he was holding H and told me in all seriousness that he thought we should have six or seven kids. I went from desiring a large family to choking on my own saliva and trying desperately to put the brakes on that idea.
Of course, I want another child. I would not be going through all of this if I did not truly love being a mother and want another baby. However, more than a large quiver full of kids, I was resigned to and satisfied with the idea of having Henry and a younger sibling for him. I had accepted our diagnosis, mourned the loss of my large family and moved on. With each cup of coffee that gets me through my day as a stay at home mom, the idea of having just two kids was planted deeper into my soul.
You see, while I am completely sold out for my son, and I love him with my entire being, I am not as good of a mother as I imagined I would be. Taking care of other's kids and being the fun sitter or nanny is one thing - you can enjoy them and go home. Being with your own offspring who pick up all your habits, good or bad, and bring out the worst in you just as you are trying desperately to give the best you have to them is utterly exhausting. Add maintaining a semi-clean home and making something besides pizza rolls for dinner, and I don't have the emotional energy to shower, let alone do anything else. AND I only have ONE kid!
Nine. That number just keeps ringing in my ears over and over again like a church bell. Right now there is a real possibility that I could have nine more babies. I do have nine babies. I take that back; I am the mother of a grand total of 13 children. Three of them are in heaven and I will never hold them. One of them is here, snuggling with his daddy watching cartoons as I write, and nine are in a dish in a lab in Tulsa with a very uncertain and cold future ahead of them. They go into the freezer tomorrow.
Wrapping my mind around this, and cementing our decision, despite recent developments is hard. Picturing myself surrounded with kids brings on both sweet, warm feelings, and a little clammy sweat at the same time. This truly is not my decision. When I put this in God's hands and said, Thy will be done, I didn't put a clause on there that said, IF things so as I planned them. When we asked for a miracle from God, and asked Him for an amazing outcome for this cycle, He delivered.
His answer isn't exactly what I thought it would be, but I truly feel He is the one orchestrating this entire thing. We have chosen to take a position of LIFE during this process, and I have written many posts centered on that subject. We have said that our goal is to honor life and to present infertility and IVF treatment from a christian worldview of sanctity of life. We have said that we would raise and love any child that God gave us through this process. There is NO way I could go back on that now. Yes, when we said that, we may have fully believed what we were saying, but we made the assumption that God's plans for us were the same as ours. I'm sure He gets a good laugh several times a day because His people make that mistake a LOT.
In my mind I was not only putting limitations on, but actually believing in a limited God. This was not something intentional, or even something I thought about until tonight as I sit here digesting the news. I believed He could give me a baby, but rather I chose not to believe, or rationalized it or any number of things, I did not think He would do something this amazing. Scientifically, the fact that all nine are still here, statistically, that none of them expired is a miracle.
Right this second, the thought of having several children scares me. I am an independent, private person (yes, I am private, even though I do not seem to have any trouble sharing all on a blog) who likes to do things my way. Having that many kids, likely a set or two of twins means not only would I feel out of control, but I would have to accept a lot of help from others. That is hard for me to do. I am honored and blessed by their desire to help, but actually accepting the help is something I rarely do and am not entirely comfortable with.
The good thing is, I have quite a bit of time to think this all through. I won't go in for my first frozen transfer for about another month, and then there are still a couple more years until we try for another transfer. I recently read that you have the energy you need for what you need to get done. Right now I know about being the mom to one, and that is my normal. When this new baby (babies) come, that will be the new normal. There will be an adjustment period, but God will provide the energy and strength needed as I need it. Also, my husband will keep me supplied with a bottomless coffee pot...
God never changes, and His steadfast love is new every morning. His mercies have no end. Because of that beautiful promise from Him, we are going to keep our promise in return. No matter how many babies He has for us, one or nine, we will love them, raise them and teach them to know Him. It is our promise and our calling - one we never expected in a million years. We will stay rooted in the knowledge that His plans are not ours and that He knows what he is doing. It may be hard, and we might not always feel in control, but we know that we are doing the right thing, and that is all that matters.
**EDIT - 7/19/17
This post was written the evening we found out we had nine embryos that had survived to day five in the lab after IVF treatment. The next day they froze the embryos and we ended up with five surviving snowflake babies. Every word of this post remains true, even though the number of potential children has been reduced.
We transfer two of those embryos next week and we are both excited and nervous for what our future holds. We know that our loving God has a plan for us though, and we are clinging to the promise that He will never leave us.
If you want to read more about our story, please check out some of my other posts about our infertility and IVF journey.
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Very inspiring and intriguing blog post. I am in awe of the miracle that God gave you. I am excited about future, for you and your husband. I definitely understand that parenting can be challenging and rewarding at the same time. As you stated in that season God will give us strength to make it through. It's his will for our lives that must manifest.
ReplyDeleteThank you Calandra!
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