Egg Retrieval, April 18 2017

Obligatory hospital picture before going back for retrieval. 

A quick update between naps: 

This morning started off early. I laid in bed, thinking positive thoughts and trying to pray for the day that was ahead of us. I was awake before the alarm and didn't have a reason to get out of bed. When you are having surgery, not only do they not care what you look like, but they mandate that you look about as bad as you can. No cosmetics, perfumes, sprays, etc. I did put my hair in rag rollers last night, just to help me feel a little 'put together' but other than brushing my teeth and braiding my hair, nothing else could be done. I couldn't even have a cup of coffee, and to me, that is pretty vital to my basic survival. 

The morning was made sweet though by great snuggles from a certain little boy. The busy little man who is normally a daddy's boy wanted to only snuggle with mommy this morning. He gave me so many hugs and kisses and we sang songs and talked. When we finally rolled out of bed, my heart was full and I was ready to get the day started. I think that his sweet, tender heart knew mommy needed a little extra love this morning.

When we left, our son all but pushed us out the door. He was excited to get to spend the day with Grandma. I always hate leaving him, but it is much easier when I know he is taken care of and having a blast. This afternoon, In between naps, I have snuck into the kitchen or living room where he is playing with Grandma and now Grandpa too, and I am kindly informed that I am not needed. It is so cute and funny I can't even get my feelings hurt. 

The drive took a little longer than planned because there was thick fog all the way to Tulsa, but we got there in plenty of time and with no issues. Our egg retrieval went well. There was nothing significant to report and I guess that is a good thing. I was singing hymns as I was coming out of anesthesia. I blame my mother for that - she has a similar story. Cam recorded me. I was singing He Lives! It must have really been on my heart to have been singing it without truly knowing it. 

1 I serve a risen Savior,

he's in the world today;

I know that he is living,

whatever men may say;

I see his hand of mercy,

I hear his voice of cheer,

and just the time I need him

he's always near.

Refrain:

He lives, he lives,

Christ Jesus lives today!

He walks with me and talks with me

along life's narrow way.

He lives, he lives, salvation to impart!

You ask me how I know he lives?

He lives within my heart.

Cam took great care of me while waiting for word from the Dr. He helped to get me dressed and is actually a pretty great nurse. When the Dr. came to see us, we were anxiously waiting for news. As always, he didn't beat around the bush. They retrieved 11 beautiful little eggs this time and he was very pleased. They were hoping for 8-10, so this is a great number. (11 is also the number of eggs we retrieved when we did IVF for H.)

Then, with tact and yet no beating around the bush, he told us we won't be doing a fresh transfer on Sunday as we had planned. Instead, we will be doing a frozen transfer some time in June or July. This was not something we were expecting (or wanting to hear), but we are trusting that he has our best interest in mind and that he knows what he is doing. The idea of a frozen transfer hasn't been even a blip on my radar, so this came out of nowhere. Yes, this messes up OUR timeline, but we know that GOD's timeline is what matters. 

I am showing symptoms of ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome (OHSS) and they want to give my body some time to recover, reduce the swelling and also give me a rest before a pregnancy. I have been through the ringer and had SO many chemicals, medications, surgeries, stresses, etc. that they want to let me have a couple of normal (ish) months before doing the transfer. This will also give my uterine lining a better chance to get nice and thick before doing the transfer. 

Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) is a medical condition affecting the ovaries of some women who take fertility medication to stimulate egg growth. Most cases are mild, but rarely the condition is severe and can lead to serious illness or death. 

A frozen embryo transfer (FET) is a cycle in which the frozen embryos from a previous fresh IVF or donor egg cycle are thawed and then transferred back into the woman's uterus.

I am not sure exactly what goes into a frozen transfer (FET) but as you can imagine, I am itching to start learning about it and you know there will be at least one post about it coming up. I did manage to ask a few questions about it as the nurses were ushering me out the door. I did find out that there isn't as much medication that goes in to an FET, and also that the success rates of FETs are actually better than fresh transfers. Sometimes I feel like an old pro at this IVF thing, so throwing in something new, while a little unnerving and unknown, is also a little exciting. I always love an excuse for some good research. 

Now I will be able to say I have really experienced everything IVF can throw at me.
A Successful Fresh Transfer
A Cancelled Fresh Cycle
A Failed Fresh Cycle
A Frozen Transfer

One thing I do know is this next 5 days is no different (other than no shots) than if I were doing a fresh transfer. I will be looking for an update either tonight or tomorrow morning on how many of the 11 eggs were fertilized and how many actually 'took'. Because of my experience in February, I also know that I will not receive any further news from the clinic until they are ready to freeze the embryos. I just have to wait, trust and keep my mind distracted from constant worry about my little babies in Tulsa. It is going to be odd not having a fresh transfer after this wait. Having to wait not only days, but weeks and maybe months until I can finally have my babies in me is both scientifically amazing and emotionally draining. 

IVF Math

When you are going through IVF you turn into a bit of a mathematician. You are constantly calculating cycle days, bank account balances and medication dosages. Today, I am calculating how annoying and persistent I will be with my clinic. (Yes, there is a formula for that)

Yesterday, (Wednesday) after our morning appointment, there was a bit of confusion with our patient portal and I thought we were through with our Follistem medication. I was happy on one hand because that meant two less shots every day. On the other hand I was really sad because there were three unopened vials sitting in my fridge. At $500/ vial, that was $1,500 essentially wasted. This made me really thankful that I had decided to only order four vials this time (I had 1.5 left over from my Feb. cycle) instead of the seven I was prescribed. When we did IVF in 2014 I had no clue what I was doing and had no data to go off of and ended up with two and a half unused vials that I tossed nearly three years later. It was so hard to throw that much money in the trash, so I just kept it in the fridge. Not sure what I thought I was going to do with it.

After speaking with our IVF nurse I was relieved to find out that we will continue our shots through at least tomorrow morning (Friday.) This got me to thinking and I started worrying that I was not going to have enough medication in case I had to continue shots. In steps IVF math. (I always liked word problems in school)

Q: I have 2 full vials @ 600 units. I have one opened vial that has had 225 units used, so I have 375 units left in that one, for a total of 1,575 units. I know I have to do 150 units tonight, so that leaves me with 1,425 units after tonight's shot. 

I have to have two shots daily for a combined 350 units/ day. Based on these numbers, how many days of shots do I have left in the fridge, and do I have to order more? 

A: 1425/350=4.07
I should have 4 days of shots left in the fridge, not counting today. That, based on the current dosage gets me through Monday. There is .07 for sure left in the vial and there could be a little over fill as well, so I could, in theory squeeze out about a half a dose or so if I needed to.  

Here is the kicker, I HAVE to know if I will need to continue shots past Monday no later than 3pm (cut off for shipping of medications from the pharmacy) on Friday. Typically, I do not get that information from the clinic until 4pm or later. Yesterday it was actually 6pm. Also, the pharmacy does not ship to deliver on either Sunday or Monday, so in order to have my medications for a potential Tuesday morning shot, I HAVE to have my order in before the Friday deadline. I also have to pay a $20 rush fee to get the over night delivery on Saturday. I think I would rather pay the extra $20 IF I need the medication than to pay $500 now and NOT need the vial.

I will go to my appointment tomorrow and remind them that I have to know ASAP, and as the time gets closer to the deadline, will become more persistent. If I have no answer by 2pm, crazy lady will be released, and she will get the job done. That is how you calculate your annoying factor when doing IVF.

Another calculation you do during IVF is appointments. WILL we or WON'T we have an appointment on __ day, and CAN we make plans? You are provided a basic calendar of events but told that it could change based on appointment results. However, during a cycle, "Ultrasound and blood work appointments will be scheduled for days 5,7 & 9 and then every day or two until you take the trigger injection." This tells me that I should have a Sunday (day 9) morning appointment, but no one knows for sure (yes, I have called them already...).

So, will we or won't we get to go to spend Easter with the cousins in western Oklahoma? If we do get to go, I have to know before the shipping deadline so I can change the delivery address and have the medications shipped to Cam's parent's house or someone else in town that will be around to get it for us.

This is just a little bit of the constant mental stress that goes on during IVF. Nothing is an island and it seems every SINGLE thing in your life is connected to IVF. For example, just going to appointments is stressful. Most of the time Cam is able to go, but there have been a couple of times he can't go, so I have to ask someone else to go with me to watch H while I get my ultrasound. Children are not allowed to go past the waiting room, so someone has to watch him. My options are limited as I have to pick from a selection of people who are both a) not working and b) physically able to watch and control my son in an environment where he is expected to be quiet and not run out the automatic doors and into the busy Tulsa streets.

Rotten Eggs Stink

April 12, 2017 - IVF cycle #3 for baby #2

This morning we had our Day 5 ultrasound. This means an early morning for all of us, which means our schedule is off and we have an odd, sleepy day. Maybe this is part of what I am feeling now, the effects of an early morning, but I am also struggling to maintain a positive attitude.

When you are laying on the little bed and getting an invasive ultrasound, it is never incredibly comfortable. If, during that time the Dr. is making faces and noises that do not sound promising, it is hard to not be concerned. After trying to ignore the feeling of dread, I broke down and asked him about it. He said there were a good number of eggs, but there were a lot of them that are already too big and some more small ones that are trying to pop up. You would think bigger is better, but in IVF, that's just not the case.

This time, as with our February cycle, there is a 'spread' in the size of eggs and the Dr. is concerned with the quality of this crop of eggs. Considering Sunday is Easter, and egg retrieval should be Monday or Tuesday, can I say that my Easter eggs are rotten? (dark humor...?)  He hinted at an earlier retrieval, just as we had to do last time.

I am trying not to jump to the worst-case situation, but it is hard to keep my mood positive. I feel like we are right where we were two months ago. I feel like there isn't much hope for this cycle, like this has been a big waste of time and finances. I am also a little depressed because all this time, I have thought that IVF was the perfect answer for us because Cam was the only one with fertility issues. My body was fertile and there was nothing wrong with me. That is not the case. It was my body all three times this attempt that kept us from getting pregnant. As much as I want to, I don't seem to be able to make a baby right now.

I keep reminding myself that all it takes is one good egg to make a baby, and that it isn't over yet. The cycle has not been canceled yet, and that is a good thing. I keep trying my very best to remind myself that God is in control and that He is not done yet. I keep trying to distract myself and not dwell on what could happen.

I have cried off and on today. On the way home from the Dr. Cam and I were both a little quiet, both taking in the information in our own way. Regardless of the outcome, this cycle is almost the end of a phase in our lives. Unless a miracle happens, or we decide in a couple of years to attempt IVF again, this is our last IVF cycle. We can't afford another cycle and emotionally, I am not sure I could do it again in the foreseeable future. What ever the result in the next week or so, this part of our lives is over.

I am trying not to be disappointed with our lives. This is not what I wanted for my life. Don't get me wrong, I ADORE my son, and I am incredibly thankful for him, but I desperately want him to have a sibling. Having lots of kids was my dream.

I'm sorry for the depressing post. I maybe should have waited for some space and perspective before writing, but as I have really tried to be honest and open about the process, I am sharing this with you as well.

If you are praying for us, please pray with us that I can maintain a positive attitude and that we can be hopeful for what is to come. Pray for that one egg - that's all it takes - and that we have a successful egg retrieval.

Without His sacrifice, there would be no hope

Last night at bible study, we were talking about Palm Sunday and the significance of Christ's sacrifice and that He stayed 'on mission' and went to the Cross, His ultimate goal, despite temptation to give the people what they wanted in the form of an earthly ruler. He asked for the cup to pass from Him, but prayed that in the end God's will be done.

He could have easily given the people what they wanted, but He and His Father knew that what they wanted was not what they truly needed. A worldly kingdom easily passes away, and rulers are temporary and forgotten. What the people thought they wanted was a man in a castle, commanding an army of men. What they got was a Savior on a cross, single handedly defeating Satan's army. The fortress that is our Lord is so much stronger and provides lasting protection against Satan, our enemy. By staying on mission, Jesus was able to defeat sin and death in a powerful blow that would ring out for eternity.

Sometimes it is hard to step back from our own little world and wants and needs and be a 'big picture' person and understand that what we want isn't always  what we need. Our own narrow minded, little picture views tend to get in the way and can even be foot holds for Satan to undermine us with.

I find it interesting that as we were talking about this in our discussion that we began to talk about our shortcomings and all the ways we fall flat as Christians and feel defeated, just when we seem to be going the right way. It seems the more we try to do what we know we need to do, the more we are tempted to stray. I'm not saying that we are thrown huge stumbling blocks, but we are subtly undermined - with excuses to not attend a bible study that would be encouraging, or an encounter that gives you a bad taste in your mouth for the rest of that day.

When I think of Satan's attempts to take down the body of Christ, there are the HUGE and obvious, horrible things, like the attacks in Alexandria yesterday, where worshiping christians were attacked and killed. However, those can be used for the Glory of God. May will come to Christ because of the very attempt to silence Him. Satan knows that. He uses tiny, sometimes 'innocent' distractions, excuses, bad moods and petty arguments, etc. to bring down the stronghold that should be the body of Christ. Most of these can not be been by others and may not even be noticeable and recognizable as challenges or stumbling blocks at the time.

I was thinking about that yesterday and the word undermining kept coming to mind. Of course, there is the typical definition of undermining that everyone thinks of, and it is applicable, but I think of the actual etymology and root of the word.

Modern Undermining Definition: verb (used with object), undermined, undermining. to injure or destroy by insidious activity or imperceptible stages, sometimes tending toward a sudden dramatic effect. to attack by indirect, secret, or underhand means; attempt to subvert by stealth.

Etymology of Undermining: Undermining was originally a method for bringing down a castle wall by digging a tunnel under the wall, then collapsing the tunnel. (I would add, that this can not be seen from the ground level - it all happens under ground, invisible to those above)

Countermining: A counter mine is a mine dug to allow defenders to attack miners, or destroy a mine threatening their fortifications. 

It doesn't take very many conversations with me to discover I have some what of a passion for history. I absolutely love that no event is an island. Everything one does, every thing that happens has a ripple effect and can effect history significantly for good or for bad. I also love understanding history and the 'back story' of so much of the world and politics, culture, religion and even the reason we use the words we use. Bear with me as I entice (or bore) you with a bit of history.

Undermining is a concept taken from medieval warfare. The undermining of a castle wall or tower was one of the most feared events by medieval land owners and Lords.

In order to undermine, they would dig a subterranean passage under the walls or tower of the castle for the purpose of gaining access or to collapse the structure.

Mining was in response to the stone keeps, towers, and walls that could not be burned or battered down with primitive siege engines. While digging the tunnel, the sappers would build wooden supports. After completing the tunnel, kindling mixed with hog fat, would be placed near the wooden supports. After the placement of all the flammable material the men would be ordered to leave the tunnel, with the exception of the torchman. He would set the tunnel on fire and run for the tunnel opening. As the wooden tunnel supports burned they would collapse, the stone walls, or towers would also collapse. 

At times, the tunnel would collapse pre-maturely and trap all who were doing the tunnel work. Mining was a very risky type of employment, and not for the faint of heart. Countermining was often the only defense against the mining attack, and in order to counter mine a tunnel, you had to dig deeper and you had to dig several tunnels, not knowing exactly where the enemy tunnel would be. The goal was to collapse the enemy tunnel before his could reach your castle walls. 

In order to countermine, you had to think ahead and be prepared. You had to be aware of the weaknesses of your castle and know where the enemy would most likely attack. Because medieval people were nearly constantly at war, they knew that attacks were almost inevitable, and often would have countermines prepared for the attack that was sure to come in the future. Another way they defended against the effects of countermining was by building strong round towers that were more able to stand firm even when undermined or even hit with trebuchets. 

The name of the LORD is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.~Proverbs 18:10

Tie them on your fingers as a reminder. Write them deep within your heart.~Proverbs 7:3 

Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.~Deut 11:18

Being prepared ahead of time, when we relate this back to our Enemy, Satan, is to know what the Sword of the Spirit (the bible) has to say. It means being ware of yourself and your own weaknesses, and surrendering them to the Lord and asking for fortification that you can stand and stand strong against the attacks that WILL come your way. It is recognizing that the enemy is out there and he is real. It is knowing that you are not alone and the army of the Lord is behind you. It is being open with your fellow members of the Body of Christ and allowing them to stand with you in your struggle or weakness, and being in prayer together and for one another. 

Being prepared is making sure you have a firm foundation for your faith and standing strong on that foundation, even when the world around you seems to be crumbling. 

“Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”~Matthew 7:24-27

“Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I tell you?  Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.”~Luke 6:46-49

Another way to protect against undermining was to build your castle on solid ground that could not be excavated using primitive tools. Dover Castle is a medieval castle in Dover, Kent that is a great example of building a castle on rock. It was founded in the 11th century and has been described as the "Key to England" due to its defensive significance throughout history. It is the largest castle in England and is one of few that are described as completely 'intact'. It was never successfully undermined or overtaken. It was used for centuries as a military stronghold and even played a strategic role in WWII and was a planned fortress escape during the Cold War. 

Because of the solid rock it was built on, attempts were made to undermine it but it always successfully defended its self against invasion. There was hand-to-hand combat, but it was never overtaken. It has stood the test of time as a fortress and as a symbol of a great nation. 

Thank you for indulging my love of history. The information may have been a bit much, but I hope you see the importance of the history and the significance of understanding the meaning. Military history and strategy is not just for medieval kings and Lords, it is for God's people as well. We are fighting a spiritual battle every day that we have no hope of wining except for using the 'battle plans' and 'weapons' given to us in God's word. If we bind the Word of God on our hearts and prepare our lives for following the Lord, we will be prepared for what comes our way. Some days we may feel defeated or scared, or not capable of fighting on our own, but that is where our fellow believers come in and lift us up. "Where two or more are gathered in My name, there I am also!" In the end, we must never forget that God is on our side. The same Jesus who died on a wooden cross, was buried and raised again, who defeated sin and satan is at our front, back, and flanking both of our sides and is fighting for us. He has charge of armies of angles who are God's warriors and are fighting for us even when we do not realize it. 

The significance of Jesus dying on the cross and staying on-mission is to give us tools to defeat satan and to be able to have hope for an eternity with Him. Without His sacrifice, there would be no hope. Had he simply given the people what they wanted, he would have literally been King of the Jews, and no one else. Salvation and hope for the future would not even be a concept. Grace and salvation based on the blood of Jesus would not be either. Any forgiveness would only be done by man and by blood shed of an animal.

Our entire social structure and lives as most of us know it would be unimaginably different had it not been for the Cross. Human rights issues, Health Care, Education, Economic Development, Democracy, Science, etc. has all been either a direct result of christianity or furthered because of it. 
Check out this website for a great list of good things that have developed out of the christian faith. 

As we go into Holy week, and we reflect on the importance of Jesus' death, I am incredibly thankful for the life I am able to live because of it. 

Honorable Service

For better or for worse, one thing I know about myself is I am a tough love person. I am empathetic and I love others, but I tend to err on the side of discipline, order and reason. Decisions aren't made as much out of emotion, but facts. Things done for others are because I truly feel a need to do them, never just because others are doing them or because someone else tells me they think I need to do x.

Maybe this is a bit of stubbornness and independence, I don't know. Most of the time this serves me well. I have done things for others and when I do, it is usually done in private as much as possible. Sometimes the person I've served doesn't even know I am the one who served them, let alone the rest of the world. When people make a big show about their service, it hits me the wrong way. It makes me want to not serve or to participate because it seems it is done for the accolades, not for the act of service in and of its self.

Often, when I feel called to service, my logical mind says, "They won't even notice the little I can do" or "I'm too busy," or "I'm not in the place financially right now." I use reason and logic to get out of doing something when it's not an obvious need. As a self-reliant person who hates asking for help, helping others in ways I am not usually comfortable receiving help is awkward to me.

The reason I tell you this is because I want to be clear that while, I don't do it often, I do give and I do serve. However, I have recently been feeling like I could do more. We have been studying honorable service at church for over a month now. We are studying what it looks like to serve the Lord and the many areas of life that touches. One of the ways to serve the Lord is to serve and bless others. Sometimes, when you feel the need, not just when they ask for help. Sometimes service is just doing something unexpected and kind for someone. I am learning to look for those little ways I can begin serving others on a regular basis and not just when a real need arises.

One of the ways I feel I serve is by writing this Blog. Most of the posts are about our infertility journey, and I feel a burden to share that journey as hope and encouragement for others in the same situation. My goal is to help raise awareness so others do not feel alone in their infertility journey. I also want to be a part of the change in conversation that takes infertility from a taboo subject of conversation to an open and honest topic. I want to change the view from just creating life to honoring and valuing life, even in the smallest form. Infertility is more than just a medical diagnosis and subsequent treatment. It is a life-changing issue that touches every part of your life. It is financial and emotional trauma. It is physical torture and marital problems. It is stress and exhaustion and hope and even failure. Many times there is no explanation and many couples do not make it through the process together.

I want to help change people's view of infertility and treatment. I want to be that voice of experience that says you can not only make it through infertility, but you can thrive in and through it together, as a couple with God as your support and your guide. I want to stress the importance of not thinking of this as making an embryo - a clump of cells- but of creating LIFE, and valuing said life as if were already a child. Infertility from a christian worldview is different and does not have to be as depressing. Yes, there are still hurts and I still cry, but I know the one who has the plans for my life in the palm of His hand, and I know that even if I don't see it, He is not done with me yet.

I know I have helped several couples by sharing our story, and this in turn blesses me more than I can say. There have been times it was hard to write out my emotions. It has been hard to be open and honest with how I am dealing with this IVF round that never seems to end. Getting through the day and keeping my family together is an accomplishment some days. Finding time to write and to share from my heart what is happening in our private lives is sometimes difficult. Most of the time I feel silly for writing. I sometimes forget about the people I have helped and wonder why I keep going.

I am not saying that we are perfect in any way - far from it. But I have been faithful in this task I feel He has put before me. I have continued to write, even when it is hard. I have looked for ways to serve others, (even in my own, small ways - baby steps) and I am working on my heart in relation to finding new ways to serve. I have found that God rewards His faithful people.

As you know by now, IVF is not cheap. On top of IVF, I have had some minor heath issues (headaches mainly) that we have been treating with chiropractic visits 2x/ week. We just found out today that our house needs four piers (the corner has decided to take a walk and go down the hill a bit) and the list goes on. When it rains, it pours. We are managing, and we would never ask for help in a million years. God has provided for us, and we are hanging in there. Some weeks, it is harder than others, but He is faithful, and we are taken care of and have never been in real need.

I got a design job last week that gave us money were not expecting. This weekend, we were unexpectedly given some $ by a family member. It paid for our trip to my parent's house plus some. THEN, when we got home from that trip, we had a card in the mail. It was from some cousins who told us they were praying for us and felt lead to help us financially with our IVF cycle. Enclosed was a check. I hesitate to even tell you about this, because I am not sure if I should. We looked at that check, and I cried. We are undeserving, and humbled and thankful for the blessing that check was to us. My first thought was to call them and tell them we couldn't accept it, but that didn't seem like the right thing to do.

They said that they had prayed about it and felt lead to help us. We had been praying that God would help us through all of this and show us how we are to proceed. Our cousins showed us what Honorable Service is. They followed what they felt God was leading them to do and they blessed us more than they could  have imagined. They were also an example to me of serving others - something I've already said I have been struggling with and finding ways to try to do so.

Please do not think that I am saying that I believe in a health/ wealth / prosperity gospel. I have never subscribed to that theology, and I think that technically, it is opposite of what I believe. We are promised nothing more than that God will be near His faithful during the trials that WILL come our way. He never says that we won't see the trials, but that He will be with us through them. He could have prompted someone to simply send an encouragement card, and that would have been touching and having the reminder that we have people praying for us would have been amazing.

He didn't though. He provided for our need, even when we didn't ask for help. He knew what was coming our way and provided for us. It was because of cousins who were faithful to God that He was able to work. This is such a good reminder that God is a big picture person. When we feel prompted to serve, even if it isn't something big, like a check, we should do it. Our actions and thoughts really do have an impact on others, even when we don't see it. I am reminded of the many times I have had little prompting to do something for someone and used that logic, or my busy schedule as an excuse not to follow that prompting. I wonder how many blessings I have robbed God of giving because I didn't listen to that voice? I'm not saying I need to give everything up and live in a hut so I can take care of everyone, but taking that happy hour Dr. Pepper to that friend, just because, or buying that flower and surprising someone... those things matter too. Lord, help me to listen when you call me to service in the future.

Choosing Wisely: TV Shows for Kids with Concerned Moms

Sometimes, as a parent, I feel like I have failed my expectations for myself. I remember being pregnant and saying, "I will never..." to so many things. I had this perfect view of myself being the parent I thought I could be. I was going to play my heart out with our son every day. I do everything I needed done for the day in that one hour he naps, and somehow manage to make play stations for him with various sensory activities he could do after nap.

My child was never going to eat 'junk' food and he was NEVER going to watch tv during the day. Parents who sit their kids in front of the tv need to prioritize their responsibilities and pay more attention to their children. My expectations of parenthood came from Pinterest boards, mommy groups with people only bragging about the good things they do, and blogs where it is easy to hide the imperfections of your life.  Boy, did I think I was the expert.

I will not hesitate to tell you that I have failed myself miserably. I also have to say that I am mostly sane because of it, so I think it is ok. H gets little to no screen time aside from watching tv, and I do try to limit his time sitting on the couch. However, there are days when I have a deadline or I am not feeling well, or I just have a mountain and a half of clothes to wash and the tv makes a good sitter for him.

I do try to set goals for myself so that I can get my jobs done and still be an attentive mom to my son. On days when I know I am going to be busy, I sit him up with snacks and some recorded tv shows and attempt to get everything done before lunch. I then feed him and put him down for a nap. I know I have about an hour until my work time is over and it is play time. We read, do puzzles, play outside and go on long bike rides. This system isn't perfect, but it is what it is.

Here is the kicker... I hate TV. I really do. You wouldn't know it for all the TV watching I seem to find time for (laying in bed watching Family Feud or Fixer Upper when I am supposed to be sleeping.) I resisted having it in my home for the first 6.5 years of our marriage. We had Netflix, and that was it. The system worked for us until the internet company decided to get greedy and tell us that if we are going to stream content we have to pay $120 / month just for internet! It was cheaper to stay with a lower internet plan and get Direct TV than it was to pay for the internet they said we needed.

My husband is thrilled that we got tv. He now has the Golf channel and his news channels, which he throughly enjoys watching. I love having HGTV, History Channel, Food Network, etc. but most of my TV watching is kids tv these days.

Out of the 100+ channels we now have, there are only about 3 that are cartoon channels, and out of those 3, we only really watch one. I can feel mostly comfortable letting H watch the Disney Channel, but that is the only one. Even that channel has some commercials and a few shows I am not entirely thrilled with. We record two shows from Nick Jr. but I would never just turn on the channel for him to watch.

Blaze and the Monster Machines, Paw Patrol and Mickey Mouse dominate our TV watching and I guess there isn't much wrong with any of those shows. They usually teach a good lesson and are as clean as they come these days. There are a lot of commercials, and like I said, some of them I really don't approve of for my two year old.

As parents, especially parents of toddlers who absorb everything they see and hear, we have to guard what our children are exposed to. I am the mean mom who does not let my son watch anything not seen and approved by me. I am responsible for my son's mind and development and I want him exposed to good things, not a lot of mental 'junk food.'

Recently, I thought of some of my favorite shows as a kid. We watched a lot of VHS tapes from my mom's store when I was young. They were mostly christian based and my parents never had to worry about what we were being exposed to. I went on a search for those shows, just in case they happened to be on some channel on Direct TV.

Surprisingly, I found several of my favorite shows from when I was a kid. They are all biblically based, so I know that not only is my son not seeing anything he shouldn't, but he is also learning bible stories while he is being entertained. I can feel better putting him in front of the TV, and he is starting to like some of them. Nothing quite measures up to Blaze for my monster truck loving kiddo, but I am insisting that he either watch what is on or go play with his toys - his choice.

As an added bonus, most of these are not as annoying as some of the modern cartoons and rather than encourage sass and disrespect for others and especially parents, they encourage politeness, kindness, respect, etc. I really believe that what goes in comes out, and TV is no exception.

Here are some of the shows I  have recorded. If you are in the same boat as me, wanting a better alternative to TV for your kids, I would encourage you to also search for these and record the series.

                                               
What would my childhood have been without Wit's End? Between the VHS tapes we had and the Saturday morning radio show we listened to as a family, snuggling in mom and dads bed, I felt like I knew the characters. I do believe the radio show still airs on Focus on The family. This one airs on Saturdays on the Day Star network. There are several shows before and after for Kids, but honestly, I don't even like them - really lame, so I don't mess with any of their other Saturday morning cartoons. As a bonus, the commercials during this show are all great each one is teaching lessons on kindness, prayer, responsibility, etc. You just can't go wrong here.

I couldn't find McGee and Me! anywhere, but I did find the DVDs on Amazon, and I plan to get them for H some day.  This was a big part of my childhood, and I want H to experience it too. 

I forget what station this airs on, but you can search for it if you want to. I think the one I found is a remake, and they portray them as more 'southern' than I remember, with thick accents. However, the content is just as good as it was when I was a kid, so I can over look the voices being different.

This is actually a GREAT series of bible stories. I think my mom had most of them in her book store for rent when I was a kid, and I'm quite sure no one but me ever got to watch them because I was constantly coming home with one of them.

I didn't watch this as much growing up, but I know enough about it to know it is a good show. I think I saw the same three episodes over and over. This also looks to be a remake of the original, and I haven't actually seen one of the new ones yet, but I look forward to it. If it stays with the original idea, it is probably really great. 

Veggie Tales In The Hose is a newer show on Netflix, and it isn't bad, but I really miss the original TV show that specifically taught Bible stories and lessons. I miss QWRTY who gave the bible verse at the end and reinforced the lesson the kids watched. The Veggie Tales with the classic literature are good too, and I have nothing wrong with them, but my favorite will always be the original version. I was able to record this series but it has not aired yet, so I am not sure which version I will be getting. Any of them are ok, I guess... I am just keeping my fingers crossed for the Veggie Tales of my childhood. 

If you have a great show you record for your kids, or a dvd series you just love, let everyone know about it in the comments. I would personally love to fill up my DVR with great kids shows so I never run out of options for my son.

How In The World Can I Afford IVF?

Yesterday I wrote about deducting your IVF medical expenses on your taxes. Today I am going to attempt another financial post.

A large part of the IVF process is paying for it. The financial stress can be almost as bad as the emotional. Especially at the beginning, it seems you are just throwing out hundred dollar bills to anyone who comes near you. In 2014, we were not prepared enough to ask for a cost breakdown up front. We just paid for everything with cash as we went. Because of a settlement from Cam's wreck a couple of years before, we were able to pay for IVF without taking out any loans. (I count that as one of the miracles in my life and will be forever grateful for God's provision at that time.) Another factor in not having to take out loans was my job. My last day in my management position was only a few days before we had our first IVF  consultation. I actually quit my job partly because of IVF. It was demanding both physically and emotionally and I was being asked to do far more that I was capable of on a good day. I knew I could not do both IVF and keep that job.

I think the financial stress is much more this time because there isn't a large amount of money in the bank account, and I have not worked in over three years. This time we had to get a little creative in paying for IVF and we pretty much know every penny that was spent.

In November, we took out a home equity line of credit. We did not have to use it all, but it's there so we have it as needed. (which is a good thing, since we are on our third cycle in 2017) Our clinic does have a couple of lending companies who work with them, but I was told by a lady in the office that the interest was far too high in her opinion and a personal loan or equity loan from our bank was going to be much better for us.

When we were in the 'should we do IVF again' phase of the process, I called to get a price quote for IVF so I could be prepared for when we decided to make it happen. Surprisingly, they do not give out that information. You only actually get that info when you go in for the financial consultation, and that is right before the actual IVF process, not as you begin the testing phase, (which can cost a bundle as well.)

Being the persistent person I am, I researched the procedures, read back through all my old blog posts about our previous IVF and called back. If they couldn't give out a price quote, I was going to ask specific questions and at least have a good estimate of what I was going to have to pay.

Luckily, I did get someone on the line who was willing to spend some time with me, and she gave me prices for all the items on my list as well as any other procedures I had not thought of. They did not have an actual, consolidated price quote to send me, but they did have the general information. I just had to know exactly what to ask.

I took that quote and built my spread sheet from it. As we had expenses come up, if they were part of the quoted cost, I had a column with that quoted cost in it. If it was something not included in that quote, I put $0 in the quote column so I could see the actual difference in the quoted cost and the actual cost.

Below are pictures of our spreadsheet. I wanted to be able to give you the actual document, but I need to use a different platform for my blog - this one will not allow me to attach documents. The images are small, but if you click on them, they get bigger. If you would like a copy of the actual document for your own use, I would be happy to send it to you. Just comment below and I will get in touch.

PAYING FOR IVF

There are lots of articles out there that tell you how you can pay for your IVF. This one might be a little different than the vast majority of them, in that I am not going to encourage you to ask for money from anyone. Personally, I find it distasteful for a couple to start a Go Fund Me, etc. to pay for an adoption or for IVF. Asking people to give you money for a personal problem is awkward for both you and them and to me, says that you are not prepared financially to take care of and responsibility for the resulting child. As harsh as this sounds, I have talked to a lot of couples, and more people feel this way than you would think. Our infertility is our problem, and ours alone.

Having said that, here are some ways to help pay for your IVF that are practical and don't rely on donations from others.

1. Get a loan
It stinks. No one wants to have to take out a loan, but the fact of the matter is you probably will have to. Shop around and find the best interest rates you can, and get that loan.

2. Save
If you are like us, there isn't a whole lot left over after taking care of our responsibilities each month, but we can all find ways to save money when we are motivated. Even if you only have a few months to save, DO IT. Trim the budget and make it happen. You might not save enough to pay for all of your IVF, but you may be able to pay for a couple of test or ultrasounds, and that is fantastic.

3. Sell your junk
Have a garage sale! You will be having to make room for another little person in your life and in your house, so you might as well start now by getting rid of any 'extras' you have lying around. Doing a garage sale can make you a couple hundred bucks in a single weekend. To make it a bit more fun, ask a friend or two to do it with you. I'm sure you have a couple of friends who need to sell some stuff too. Another option is the BST pages on Facebook. We have been able to sell a lot of our bigger stuff on those pages.

4. Sell someone else's junk
I know... I already said not to ask for donations from people. This is different. When you decide on a date for your garage sale, ask friends and family if they have any items they would like to donate to your garage sale. Even if you are only given a ton of clothes, try to sell them. I have found that a well-organized, clean garage sale with clothing items hung up and displayed can actually make a mint. I usually do $1 on most clothing items on the first day and .25 to .50 on the second day. People will walk out with loads of clothes, and every cent adds up.  If someone has larger items to donate, offer to try to sell it at your garage sale on a commission instead of you getting all the profit - it's a win for everyone!

5. Just say NO
There are a lot of extras you can actually say no to when doing IVF. For instance, I was prescribed a prenatal vitamin that was $80 for a 30-day supply. I opted out of it and instead went with a really good, food-based prenatal I got from Amazon for 1/4 the price. Now, you can't opt out of everything, but you can always ask, "Is this necessary" and decide what to do from there. Another way to save $ is to not do genetic testing beyond the required blood work at the beginning of the IVF testing. PGS, etc. is super expensive, and as I have previously written about, I'm simply not sold on it's merits.

6. Apply for discount programs
We qualified for 25% off of some of our IVF medications through the First Steps discount program. At over $500 / box of medications that only has 4 doses in it, 25% goes a long ways! 25% is the minimum discount. Some people qualify for up to 75% off!

7. Use your credit card
I know, I am sounding like I am advocating for debt here. I promise, I am not. There are going to be lots of payments made, and a lot of $$ spent. If you have a card that earns cash back, USE IT. Pay it off at the end of the month, of course, but get those points on your card. You may only earn a couple hundred bucks, but when you cash it out, you can use it for baby expenses or to make an extra payment on your IVF loan

8. Christmas
Again, I am NOT advocating for asking for money from friends and family. However, if you are in a family that does gifts, and you are asked what you want for Christmas, tell them you want money that will go towards paying for IVF. Our parents and grandparents were more than willing to give us cash instead of gifts (hey, it's way easier to wrap) because they knew it is what we actually needed. This can apply for birthdays as well.

9. Tax refund
As I talked about in my last post, you can possibly qualify for a pretty hefty tax refund because of the medical expenses racked up by IVF. You won't see this refund money for about a year after your procedure, depending on when you do your cycle, but unfortunately, you will still be paying for your IVF - and (hopefully) baby hospital bills by that time. Don't spend that refund on a new TV, or something frivolous, pay down your IVF debt with it.

***EDIT***

I would add one more way to earn some extra money to pay for IVF, one that should have gone on the original list

10. Work
Most of you probably do have jobs already. Even though I don't get a pay check for it, as a SHAM, I have plenty of work to do. Even if you are already working a full time job, you can find ways to bring home more money. Ask your boss if threes opportunity for over time, and take it. If that isn't an option, use your talents. Make things to sell, turn that photography hobby into an income, etc.
For me, this is where it is at. I am hesitant to sell my work or to advertise it because honestly, I lack the self-confidence and don't think I am good enough. BUT, I have worked past that and have been able to make some extra money by just doing things I already love doing.
Just be sure to keep track of what you make for tax purposes.