I am choosing to lay all of those fears, both legitimate, and imagined at the feet of my Savior

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
~Romans 8:28 (NIV)

November 17th, 2016

I woke up this morning needing to pray and sort out my emotions on this whole thing. Yesterday was our first appointment, and I had my first round of blood work done. Things got real, to say the least. This is something I have prepared for. I have prayed about it and shed many tears over it. I am ready for it.

But, I am not.

I woke up, almost feeling like a selfish person for wanting to create this life. Then, it hit me: This is a LIFE. I am not just bringing in a new squishy baby, or simply a sibling for my son. This is a life (maybe two) and I should be scared. The responsibility is incredible. Yes, this little person will be loved, and no, we aren't creating it for our own entertainment, but somehow in all this, despite my firm feelings of love for this person not yet on this earth, I hadn't really viewed it as a life.

I have been imagining and preparing for how our house would need changes for a new baby. I have been thinking about how Henry would love a sibling, and I have been dreading another difficult birth, but all of this is about me, my feelings, or other's feelings. The importance of what we are doing really hit me this morning.

Yes, we have done this before, and I'm sure I had the same realization at some point with my first round, but I don't remember it weighing on me like it does this time. Last time, we went in with no expectations and things got started so quickly (At this point in the process last time, I would already be in the car on the way to my first ultrasound and orr test.) Last time, there was no waiting and wondering or really, much time to think at all. Decisions were made as they were presented to us, and we had really no information or research on the issues to make informed decisions. In a way, the unknown was easier to manage than the now familiar process.

One of the temptations I am facing is comparing this cycle to my last one. That is dangerous. Every cycle is incredibly different. Eery cycle produces so many variables that even the Dr. doesn't have a clue how it will turn out. My expectations are high for this round, because our last one went so smoothly. (In retrospect it didn't feel like it as it was happening) Expectations and comparisons are dangerous in so many areas of life, not just with IVF.

We discussed this in our church small group Sunday night. We talked about being grateful for what we have, because so many people have so much less. I know that many times this is how we view our lives, comparing ourselves on a sliding scale to others and saying, "Well, I don't have it that bad." I didn't think it was wrong to think that way, and really, it isn't. We should be grateful for what we have.

Maybe though, instead of viewing our level of gratefulness in light of someone else's circumstances, we need to thank God for where we are right now in our own lives, compared to no one else. Living a life with a grateful heart and without a grumbling spirit to me, takes the comparison factor completely out of the equation. I am not happy or fulfilled in direct proportion to someone else's level of happiness. I can't look at my neighbor who drives a beat up old truck and say, well, that makes me thankful for my 14 year old yukon - it's old, but it still looks great.

Sometimes, yes, other's situations remind us to be grateful for what we have, but we can not depend on the comparison for our daily dose of gratefulness. I am working to be grateful for who I am in Christ every day, for no other reason than the Cross. In light of Christ's sacrifice for me, and my privilege to be His child, nothing else matters, and I am thankful and grateful for my life because of my life.

Yes, the temptation is great to complain about having to do IVF again. Right now, I could have a long list of complaints, purely based on another person's success at getting pregnant 'the old fashioned way.' My sister recently announced her 4th pregnancy. Yeah, for an instant, I was tempted to be jealous. I admit, there have been many fights between my sister and myself, which resulted in heartache and separation, all stemming from my jealousy of her ability to get pregnant. We spent a couple of years as strangers and had virtually no relationship because of hurt feelings and feelings of guilt on both sides. Looking back, that is one of my biggest regrets. I wish I had known then what I know now.

When she announced this pregnancy, I simply moved past the hurt of another pregnancy and chose to simply be happy for my sister because of no other reason than I love her and all of her beautiful children. Ranking our happiness or gratefulness on a scale with others also means that when others get more than you, or are seemingly happier than you, your own happiness, dependent on the comparison of theirs, decreases. I know, like I said, I have been there. My sister and I were able to have a quiet moment together after she announced, and I was heart broken when she told me her first thought was of me when she knew she was pregnant. She cried and regretted her pregnancy in the light of me not being able to get pregnant. She didn't want to tell me, not because she didn't want to share with me, but because she didn't want to hurt me.

I get it. Based on my reactions in the past, and our previous relationship, I can understand her hesitation. I am also blessed that she loves me enough that she hurt for me even in her joy. However, I am incredibly sad that I have lived in the past in a way that would take some of the happiness and excitement out of someone else's situation because of fear of how I would react. Think about it.

I think this theory, this way of thinking about my life is part of what has me questioning this IVF cycle. Despite really wanting another baby, I AM happy. I am not dependent on this new child to make me happy or to complete myself. It took me a few minutes to think through the emotions and the mom brain fog I seem to always have, but I finally figured it out.

I have to approach this IVF cycle with fresh expectations and anticipating a new life for the sake of the new life, not as a quantifier to any happiness or relationships that already exist. I love this new baby for who it is and will be, not for what it can bring to my life. This takes a lot of the fear out of the situation for me, from a parenting perspective. There is still plenty of fear of the unknown, the procedure its self and the chance of failure. I am choosing to lay all of those fears, both legitimate, and imagined at the feet of my Savior and try to simply believe that "All things work together for the good of those who are called according to His purpose."