Be Careful What You Pray for!

When I wrote my last blog post, only about a week ago, I was gearing up for our next embryo transfer. Little did I know, my world was about to be rocked.

We found out on Wednesday night of this week (July 15th) that I'm pregnant. For real. No joke.

I just keep asking myself, HOW? That might sound funny to you, especially since we have one surprise baby already, who is 10 months old. But, When you are told that there is no hope for you. When you are told that your ONLY chance of conception is through IVF, and that babies are made in labs, you have a very different thought process about the whole conception idea.

Yes, we got our little Charlie, and were shocked by him, but honestly, in our minds, he was a one-off miracle baby. He beat the statistics, and powered through and he was the exception.

We were wrong.

Apparently, we went from a grim infertility diagnosis of never ever having children naturally, and you should give up on that dream, to reproducing like rabbits. Literally, this pregnancy and the last were initiated AS soon as my body started ovulating again. Both were complete surprises.

I have had to do some soul searching and some major reflecting since finding out about this baby. If I am completely honest, I have not reached the place where I can say I am happy about this pregnancy. I have a lot of emotions about it, some good, some bad, but happy about it isn't one of them -yet. I know I will get there. The shock will wear off, and my heart will catch up with my brain.

I JUST got through cementing in my mind and publicly declaring how precious and valuable we feel life is. I talked about our three frozen embryo babies, and how they are still mine, and still loved and still a big part of our future, no matter how much our lives change or what's going on. Our promise to God, and what I feel is His promise to us does NOT change, based on our changing lives.

God and his promises remain the same and they are steadfast, and I will be steadfast as well.

What right do I have to say, "Well God, It's been a good run, but I didn't sign up for this. You blessed me FAR beyond what I could have imagined (on that note, can we slow down the blessings? They are awesome, but I'm tired!) and I am thankful for it, but I can't hold up my end of the bargain any more. I trusted you as long as it was easy, and preached about sticking with something, even if it was hard, but I didn't think it would be THIS hard."

No. I do not want to keep having babies until I am 40. I don't. That was not in my plan. None of this was. I wanted to be THROUGH having babies by the time I was 30, but our parenting didn't even begin until I was almost 28.

 NO. I did not want a half-dozen PLUS kids. Nope. Nada. Not in the plan. Not in MY plan.

I was so ready to prepare my body for this embryo transfer, and move on with that part of our lives. I was ready to stop worrying about them. Stop paying monthly for embryo storage. I had a plan, and even though it was still a long ways off, I could see how things would turn out. I could see the end of the very difficult baby stage.

We drive a vehicle that can hold six kids and two adults. IF all the embryos took, we were prepared to fill that thing up. We were prepared. Now, if they all take, we will have to buy some kind of van. Seven kids and two adults changes EVERYTHING!

With my plan, I would be through having babies by the time I was about 37. That's blown out of the water.

By my plan, we would have timed it out so that we would have a three year old, and 18 month old and a new born. This baby changes things, and I will have three babies under three for over two months. That thought alone terrifies and overwhelms me. I seriously just want to cry. It's not like those couple of months make that much difference, but MY PLAN made sense in my mind, and this surprise from left field has me reeling, even though it's not THAT far from what I thought it was going to be.

I have said that I feel kinda like a reverse Job. Instead of taking away everything I hold dear, I am being given SO MUCH of what I had prayed for, I literally can't handle it. I am having to, like Job, choose to praise through the storms, and the difficulties and say, "STILL I will praise you!"

Do I think I am being tested? I don't know. I can't say. Is my faith and my world a little rocked right now? For sure. But, I am choosing JOY. I am choosing faith over fear, and reaching out in blind FAITH to the one who holds the universe in the palm of His hand.

Have you seen the Heart & Brain comics? Look them up if you haven't. I truly enjoy them.

I picture myself as one of those comics. Brain is typing this, and listing out all the things, trying to logically make sense of things, and rationalizing everything out. He is making a new plan and trying to adjust schedules, etc. and even happy to do so because he sees the situation for what it is.

Heart is drawing abstract drawings in the sand and sighing. *I just can't* It takes a while for him to catch up.

That conflict is normal. I think that's why those comics resonate with so many people. It's ok to struggle and have inner conflict over things. It's ok to be NOT ok. It's ok to be sad, and have a time of adjustment and even mourning for your envisioned plans.

Then, Its ok to just let go, and move on.

I'm not there yet, but I will be. This is the phase of life when I say, and fully understand, "God, I believe! Help me with my unbelief!"

It's not easy, but EVERY DAY, I have to choose my mindset, and say that I choose JOY. When I'm tired, and my emotions are out of control, the joy of the LORD is my strength.

We are not promised a life without conflict and turmoil, but we are promised a friend and a guide as we navigate it. We are not promised that our every desire will be met, and in the WAY we wanted them to be. We aren't promised our plans, carefully strategized, will happen.

We are asked to step out in FAITH and believe in the promises we DO have, and learn to roll with the punches. God's timing and plan are always the best, even when we don't understand it. He is a big picture God, and we see through a dense fog.


I'm not ok yet. But, I will be.