This has been a crazy year of firsts. It has been a year of ups and downs, lots of snuggles and drying tears. It was the best and the worst year of my life. Anyone who has held their baby in their arms and rejoiced at their latest accomplishment while mourning for the quickly passing time knows what I am talking about. I will admit that finding the balance of the two, and not letting myself be depressed has been incredibly hard. I had a conversation with my husband last night, and it went something like this: "So, are all moms like this, and the dads are forced to be the only normal ones?" I laughed and told him "Absolutely."

Mom brain is real. Before having my son, I responded differently to things. I had myself to worry about and that was it. Yeah, there were others in my life, but they were not 100% dependent on me. I could care for them, but I was not their caretaker. Jessica had a good idea of her boundaries and her dislikes and likes. She knew who she was and was comfortable being herself. She could let some things roll off her back that bothered her and ignore other things going on around her. She saw life through a filter she had developed over 28 years. Then comes Mom. Mom is an infant herself. Mom has never experienced any of these firsts either. Mom may be the most educated she has ever been in her life (Because, of course, Jessica can't make a decision without reading at least 3 articles of varying sources and points of view on the subject) and while she is confident in her abilities, she is also the most scared she has ever been. Mom is not as much scared of sickness, etc. but of doing things right. She is scared of the world her son will grow up in. She has nightmares of the future and what her son will experience. Every aspect of Mom's life, including what should be in the 'Jessica' category is affected by 'mom brain'. Mom is seeing through a filter that is new to her. Mom is facing decisions and having thoughts that Jessica never even dreamed of. Mom is testing and experimenting with her boundaries, trying to find out what they are. The hardest part is that just as she thinks she has found them, the child she loves and is concerned about up and changes on her, and all her work has to be reevaluated. To top it all off, Jessica is struggling with mom's new body, etc. Mom lives on coffee and string cheese. Mom has not slept through the night in over a year. Jessica took for granted her alone time and mom is thrilled to just get to use the bathroom alone. It is exhausting. Mom rarely lets Jessica take command, not because she is controlling, but because she always has to be 'on'. Only mom truly knows what 24/7 means.

Sometimes I miss Jessica. Sometimes, I let her come out when the baby is asleep. Yesterday, while the baby was napping, I sat on the couch in my filthy house (seriously, it was BAD) and ate popcorn and watched TV. I could 'hear' mom yelling at Jessica to get up and do the dishes and decide what to make for dinner. She begged to take advantage of the quiet time to get her job done, but Jessica won out. Someday I know that Mom will get the hang of things, and Jessica will be able to shine through more often, but right now, Mom is the star. I think that this is normal. I think that the 'mama bear' part of all of us is what keeps our species alive. This is a season, and it is a relatively short one. (Mom has only been around for less than a year, and she is already giving Jessica gray hair) Mom will never disappear, she is here to stay, but she will not always get to be the one running things. Life will change again, and her child will grow and become more independent. She will have to constantly evolve and find a way to be ok with it. Mom will never stop experiencing firsts, and she will always mourn for time passed.

The 'mom filter' is one I cherish. It's the filter that allows me to read the Tractor book 15 times in a row, (The Jessica filter would love to throw it across the room, or maybe burn it.) It allows me to cook dinner or clean the house with a child literally hanging off of me. Mom isn't just my new job, it is who I am. It is impossible to separate 'Jessica' and 'Mom'. While I dreamed of being Mom all my life, actually experiencing being mom has been different than I expected. Not worse, not better, just different. Even when I was pregnant, my expectations and plans were far from what reality actually held for me. I had an idea of what my mom filter would be, and I thought it was actually pretty strong, but my son was born, and that filter shattered. I have since been developing it every day this entire year. Things I thought would matter to me are inconsequential. Things that never occurred to me before are vitally important. Relationships and boundaries that were fine, or tolerated by Jessica have had to be evaluated and dealt with as Mom. Nothing is the same. This makes life a bit difficult for the "normal" dad and others around this new mom. I understand that and acknowledge that, but it does not change, cheapen or diminish the mom filter and the decisions and boundaries it develops.

One thing that I think all new moms would like people to understand is that despite all the advice, and the love being shown (or piled on) them, they are going to do what is right for them, and their family. Your experiences, filers and boundaries are valid, but they are not that of this new mom. Your love and support may be well meaning, but be given in a way or in an amount that infringes on the boundaries of the new mom. You may look at her child and want to bond with it or spend as much time with it as possible, but that new mom is not concerned with that. Your feelings in relation to her child are not her primary concern. She knows that those things, your relationship and bonding, etc. will come with time. Right now, it's her turn.

Luckily, this mom has a very awesome "normal" dad to parent with and he understands the struggle between who I am and who I was. He understands that although I have managed to keep our son alive for a year, and I am gaining control of the mom part of my life, it is all still relatively new to me. He understands that this tiny little human that is under my (our) care means more to me than my own life, and that I would do anything to protect and to take care of him. The mom filter is not perfect. She over reacts and maybe sets boundaries based on perception more than reality. (although, some would argue that one's perception is their reality, but that is getting deeper than I want to go with this post) She knows this. She struggles with this. Fear not and hang in there. If you respect these boundaries, and don't push them. If you allow this new mom to work things out and not break down the walls and supports she is building, she will make an opening. There will be a gate in her fence, and she will find ways to let you in. However, if you trespass, if you take for granted how much of 'Jessica' is left in 'Mom' and trample her walls, it is going to be difficult for you to go through those inevitable gates. Just because something is this way right now does not mean that it will forever be this way.

I would love for my son to stay a little baby, but every day he grows and changes. Those snuggles are being replaced with exploring his world and learning and growing. Time is going by far too quickly and I am doing my best to cope with it.

"Even as your body betrays you, your mind denies it." ~Sara Gruen, Water for Elephants

Wow, it has been a while since I have posted. I have had a crazy life since Henry was born! I have not completely disappeared though. I've been writing posts over at Grammy's Essentials.

I don't want to sound like a broken record, I promise I do other things besides worry about my reproductive health, but it plays a big role in my life. I try not to make it my only topic of conversation with my friends and family, so this blog has pretty much become my safe place to help me think through my emotions on the subject.

It has been a really stressful couple of weeks for me. Just before Christmas I began to have some symptoms of pregnancy. Now, as we have learned, everything can be a sign of pregnancy, and it's SO frustrating. First of all, I skipped my period. That's a pretty sure fire sign of pregnancy. I was moody, extremely tired, headaches, thick discharge (TMI) and the list goes on. I couldn't tell if my boobs were sore or not because I'm still nursing my 13 month old. I didn't tell Cam anything until I was almost a week overdue, I really hadn't thought about it and then I had a lightbulb moment... WAIT... what's going on here?! Cameron and I were not trying to conceive, so it was a complete surprise. It was also an amazing miracle. I mean, if I were pregnant, we would have defied the odds and done the impossible. We were never supposed to be able to conceive on our own.

Once we realized it was an actual possibility that I was pregnant we began to dream and make plans. We talked about how we would change the nursery to accommodate two kids. We talked about what names we would use, and what kind of delivery we wanted. We were both floating on air. Who are we that we were blessed like this? No, we were not exactly ready for another baby, but we were not going to complain.

We decided not to test until after the New Year. That week between realizing I had missed my period and testing seemed SO long. three, four, five days passed, still no sign of Aunt flow. By the time I tested on January 1, I was pretty confident about the outcome. I was almost smug about it. I was just testing for confirmation, because I was pregnant. I peed on the stick and then left the room. I could not sit there are watch it for three minutes. Cam, Henry and I were all brushing our teeth in our bathroom and Cam kept going to the hall bath to see if there were any results yet. I would peek into the door, hoping to read his expression and get the answer I wanted. We were worse than kids on Christmas morning.

As excited and happy as we were one minute, we were equally deflated the next. The test was negative. To go from being absolutely sure you have been part of a miracle to suddenly being pulled back into reality is numbing. I went into my typical defense mode and shut the world off. Cam went into his and began to make rules about the future, "If this ever happens again, I do not want to know about it. I can't stand thinking the best for so long and then being disappointed." Of course, this hurt me, but I know he didn't mean to, and he was hurting too.

It was a miserable day. In an effort to distract ourselves, we started the new year out right and cleaned out a room in the house. It was a great diversion, but could not last long. Before the day was over, I had managed to regain some hope (admittedly with the help of google.) Maybe it was just too early still. That's it, the test was a false negative, and we are pregnant after all. We will test again in a few days. Ever the optimist, I ignored what I knew was the truth and continued to cling to the faintest whisp of hope that I could still be pregnant.

As the days went on I was still having symptoms, including nausea and extreme fatigue. Yesterday, the 4th, I ran errands all day and did some grocery shopping. I was so nauseous in Walmart that I wanted to run out. (JUST like my first pregnancy - that was the first and nearly only aversion I had - Walmart) Feeling positive about my increasing symptoms, I purchased more tests. This time it would work.

I know you are supposed to test in the morning, but that is for very early testing. If you are as far along as I should have been (last period was November 20th, so I would have been almost a month and a half along) a test taken at any time should get the desired results. So, I tested. It was just before bed, and I did sit there and watch it for the whole three minutes. Negative. I was in disbelief, but resigned to it. I just ignored it and continued with my bedtime routine. Cam came in and looked at it and then threw it away for me. No words were spoken, and that was the only acknowledgment that the test was even taken. What was there to say?

This morning I woke up with the worst headache I have had in a very long time. I was miserable. I prayed that Henry would take pity on me and sleep in much later than normal. He didn't. I took care of him and got him his breakfast. While he was occupied I went to the restroom where I immediately discovered why I was feeling so badly. I had begun my cycle. After so long waiting for it, here it was, ugly and raw.

I find it poetic that a tale of heartbreak would end with a bloody, gooey mess. The very thing that is the promise of fertility is to me, the mocking cry of infertility. I am having trouble wrapping my head around why my body would betray me like this.

"Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving." ~Unknown

I have been thinking a lot about the changes coming into our lives, and the implications of those changes. Our lives are about to do a complete 180. Not only will our sleep schedule change, but even our thinking processes will change. It is no longer about the two of us, and what we want, but what is best for our child. If I research the best car seat, and which, if any, vaccinations I want my kid to have, and choose the crib, based on safety reviews, why would I not think beyond the physical? I will be held accountable not only for how safe I keep him, but how I raised him. It is my job to help mold his character, and to teach him principles and lessons that will last a lifetime.

I am learning that you see everything differently as a parent. You see through the lenses of safety and health, of teaching and learning and being an example. Henry is not even here yet, and I find myself thinking, what behaviors do I want him to model? How do I teach him those? I want him to learn patience. Ok, so that means I can't get upset with the driver who is taking forever to make the turn, or grumble about the line at walmart. What are my other options? How do I teach patience? How would I be an example? To model patience in my own life, I would simply ignore the slow driver - you never know, he could be keeping you from a wreck up the road, etc. In the Walmart line, instead of sighing, and tapping my toes, and having a generally bad attitude, use it as an opportunity. Show character, and even Christ, in the situation. Smile at those comrades in line with you, they don't want to be there either. Don't be upset with the cashier - They are going as fast as they can.

I use those examples, because both of them happened to me today. I practiced patience, and I was actually blessed because of it. Instead of leaving walmart in a bad mood, I was put in a better state of mind, because I gave a grandma an opportunity to brag about her grand babies. She was beaming, telling me about them. No, I did not know her, and I would not recognize her if I saw her again, but she made me smile, and I gave her an opportunity to think about something good. For all I know, she was having a really bad day, and she needed to be able to talk about something she loves.

One of the biggest, and most important things I want to teach Henry is love for God. I never want him to be ashamed of faith. He could end up being more of an introvert, like Cameron, but even introverts need to show the love of Jesus to those around them. I have been feeling challenged in this lately. I want to be the best example I can be to my child. In order to do that, I have to be where I need to be spiritually. Henry may never feel free to share, or talk about his faith, if it is never modeled before him. I want him to study the Word, so I have to make it more of a priority in my own life, so when he is grown up, he remembers seeing me actively following my faith, and not just in theory.

Today, in walmart, I was given an opportunity to stretch myself a bit. There was a lady with a very cute toddler in her basket. I passed them, and the toddler started talking to me. She showed me her toothbrush, and smiled a smile that would melt anyone's heart. I smiled back, but kept my distance. As both of us continued to shop, we ended up meeting in the middle of every single aisle. We laughed, and started talking. She was sending her youngest off to college, and I am just having my first. We were in two different places in life. She asked about the baby, his name, when I was due, etc. She asked if I had felt kicks yet, and she got a little nostalgic, remembering her own baby kicks. I could have smiled and moved on at this point, but something inside me told me to continue. It was not just me wanting to talk about my baby. It came from deep inside. I have had this feeling before, and I have to say, I have ignored it many times. Today, I chose to go with it. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out "I am a Christian, and I love Jesus. This is a miracle baby." I continued, telling her, in as few words a possible, that I was told I would never have my own children. I told her the reader's digest version of our IVF experience, and how it is simply a miracle. "I do not believe abortion is right, no matter what, but having been through this, and now, experiencing life inside me, and being in awe at the miracle in our lives, I can only thank God, and say, that life is a blessing in and of it's self, and it is sacred." This lady, right in the shampoo aisle, started crying. Not knowing really how to handle the situation, I said, "I'm sorry. I don't even know you, and here I am telling you my story." She responded, "No, I am so glad you did. You never know what God has in store for this child. To be able to tell your story is a blessing to others. Thank you."

Will I ever know why I felt such a great need to share with this stranger? Probably not. Did it make a huge difference in her life? Most likely, no. If I were to guess, she was also a Believer, so I probably did not help to lead her to salvation. It does not matter though. For whatever reason, I did share, and it did not hurt anything. If nothing else, two strangers connected in walmart, two women, with seemingly nothing in common shared the love of God with each other. The lights did not flicker, and nothing powerful happened to speak of, but that shampoo aisle became church. God was honored, His name was exalted, and I personally left with a feeling of fullness, of gratitude. I could have ignored that feeling, and had a perfectly wonderful day. Actually, my day probably would have been more productive, because I would be cleaning my house, instead of writing this post. Had I done that, I would have missed not only being a blessing, but receiving a blessing.

As I said, I have felt challenged in this area lately, and this could have very well been an opportunity for me to share in a very small way. Baby steps. I hope I have more opportunities like this one. After all, I want to model this behavior to Henry. I want him to see daily, ordinary interactions with God. I want him to understand that God is not dead. He lives and moves in our world, every day, everywhere. Rather you are in Walmart, or the church sanctuary, he can make an appearance. You just have to be open to it.

"What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!" ~Stuart Townend

It's been a while since I posted anything. I have had several amazing moments since my last post, but I will not try to remember them all, or bore you with the minute details. The biggest thing to happen: We found out 'Baby J' is a BOY.

At 17 weeks, we were a bit let down, because we were expecting an ultrasound from the Dr., and we were planning a great gender reveal party, etc. BUT, no ultrasound was done at the appointment. It would be over a month until I would have an ultrasound from the Dr. Being the impatient people we are, we were discussing our feelings about not knowing the sex of the baby. We were in the car, on the way to Copan to hang out with his parents at the campground. Cam mentioned something about getting an ultrasound from a baby place, and not the Dr. I told him I thought it was to expensive. However, I looked up the nearest location, which was in Owasso. Seeing that you could get a great deal, we decided to give them a call, just out of curiosity. We tried to book an appointment for the next day, but one was not available. "We do have another option for you though." The lady on the phone said. "We just had a cancellation, and we can get you in at 6 tonight. Would that work??" We took the appointment, turned the car around, and headed that way. We were in Copan already, so we made it just in time for our appointment. We looked like hillbillies. We had not planned to go to the Dr., we were dressed for a night of camping and fishing.

The technician was not even phased by our appearance, and we were treated wonderfully. I was told to drink lots of fluids so we would for sure be able to see the sex of the baby. I took that quite literally, and I downed a route 44 ice water on the way to the appointment. I was about to burst. We went into the exam room, and immediately got things started. She pressed the wand onto my abdomen, and thought I would explode. I took one for the team though, and held myself together for the examination. The very first thing we saw when the image appeared on the giant screen in front of us was the baby's man parts. We laughed about him not being shy, and Cam was very proud that his son was so 'endowed'. That was a surreal moment for me. Of course, I loved the baby before, and I thought of it as being alive, and human. This experience, knowing that I had a son, being able to picture a specific person in my daydreaming, that was amazing. I experienced instant bonding with this tiny life. I'm not sure I can describe the exact emotion I was feeling, or successfully communicate to you the complete awe and wonder that came over me, but it was an experience I will never forget.

It was so unexpected, and out of the blue. Everything about our pregnancy up to this point had been planned and calculated, literally down to the minute. Shots and pricks and probes, tests, schedules and analysis. While it was just as meaningful as other pregnancies, the whole thing had an almost sterile, mechanical feel to it. It was so wonderful to have something spontaneous happen. To wake up that morning, expecting a normal day, and to go to bed that night, knowing I would be having a boy. It was special, just between Cam and me. No one else knew we were doing it, no one was expecting news, or calling us for results. It was just us. Up to this point, it was not about this child specifically, but about simply creating life. It was about maintaining this life. I don't think I even admitted this out loud, but I expected to loose the baby. I knew something would go wrong with the pregnancy. When we paid for the procedure, we chose the 'insurance' buy one, get one plan. This meant that if I miscarried the baby, I would have 6 months to be able to do the procedure again, for free. Considering the price of IVF, it seemed a smart option. After all, most people do not have success on their first try. I would think in my mind, if something goes wrong, just let it happen early. Let me loose this baby in the 6 month window, so I can start again. While, I was in love with the life inside me, and I was not wanting anything to happen to it, part of me did not believe it could last. It was to good to be true. After everything I had been through, after the letdowns and challenges of the past year, it was hard to let myself really think of this baby as a person. What if I lost it?

That June day, when I saw my baby, when we got those little blue bracelets, and cam and I looked into each other's eyes, I knew. I knew it would be ok. I knew we would be keeping HIM. He was so active, and actually cute. He has a button nose, that is absolutely adorable in the profile pictures we have. He has long limbs, and most of all, he is perfectly healthy. Yes, both of us were a bit disappointed we were not having a girl ( - someone in our family needs to have a girl, there are 10 baby boys in our family right now, and Jannie is the only girl {and, she is adopted}) but it didn't matter. My dreams of pink, while still there for some day, receded to the back of my mind. Almost instantly, I pictured our life with a boy. I pictured Cam teaching him to golf, and to be a gentleman. I pictured sporting events, and me being 'that mom' in the stands. My whole world just automatically shifted, and my SON became the center of it.

We went through a couple of names before deciding on Henry Boyd Jarrett. Of course, I had to ask my dear friend's permission to use the name, her son is named Henry as well. I was not sure of the name for us, but Cam loves it, and I didn't dislike it. Cam was excited to be able to call his son "Hank," and I nearly had a heart attack. Hank is the name of an old man with no teeth left, playing banjo on the porch of a run-down gas station. That would not be the name of my sweet little boy. I was not going to allow it. However, both our moms liked the nickname, and several people referred to him as Hank. A few weeks went by, and wouldn't you know it... I actually called him Hank without any prompting. I still think of him as Henry, and I will use that name most of the time, but I will not cringe when he gets called Hank. After all, I actually like banjo music.

Yesterday was the 24 week mark in our pregnancy. I had not had feelings of worry over Henry since finding out he was a boy. It was a relief though, knowing that if something happened, and he was born early he would most likely be ok. Of course, all first moms over-analyze the changes happening in their bodies, but that is normal worry. I have had such a feeling of peace about it all. All of my stress is over taking care of a baby - meaning, I KNOW he is going to be here, and ok. I still stress about doing everything right, and I research every aspect of birth, and taking care of a newborn. I have a birth plan completed, and I have read three separate baby books, not to mention the hundreds of articles online. I have always loved learning, and learning and researching something you are interested in is actually a lot of fun. Cam has always called me 'Data' (from Star Trek) because of my knowledge of random things, but he is now saying I might as well just go to school and become a Dr. because I know so much about the subject already. Some would call me obsessive, and I might be, but I don't care. Knowledge is power, and I want to be 'Super Mom.' (ok well, not really, but... kinda?)

Having said that, I will tell you, I am terrified. My research helps reassure me that I will theoretically know what to do with this kid, but I keep picturing the changes and the great unknown of parenthood, and I get sweaty palms. Of curse, I will have help, and I know that my instincts will kick in, it's not like I have never taken care of a baby before. That does not negate my fear of change, or the unknown. I voiced those fears to Cam, and he surprised me. He is not scared even a little bit. He has the personality that just goes with the flow. No sense in worrying about what may happen. We will deal with things when they come up. He is so good for me. Opposites really do attract, and it is for situations just like this.

Whether your pregnancy was meticulously planned, medically coaxed, or happened by surprise, one thing is certain - your life will never be the same ~Catherine Jones

Why did I want to be pregnant again?
Yesterday was quite the pregnancy night mare, and I am only 5 weeks along. To be fair, if this were a normal pregnancy, I would not be experiencing some of these, but still... I worked with cam at his office for most of the day, and I didn't do to much physical work. I sat at a desk most of the day, but I got over tired before I realized it. All of a sudden, I was completely exhausted. I mean, I was tired to the point to distraction. I went home and took a long nap, which only made me grumpy when I woke up. I also woke up with a pretty huge headache. When it was time for me to get my shot, it was miserable. I still have huge hives on my left side, and am developing them on my right side. I have been using only the right side for about a week now, and cam could not find a place to give the shot. There are so many black bruises and bumps from the shots that Cam decided it would be better to try to use the left side. He found a good place, and it didn't hurt to bad. However, getting a shot on that side only made the itching worse. I also fought really bad heartburn all day, and last night I finally took two tums, even though I had been told not to. I thought my esophagus was going to dissolve it was hurting so bad. (I did read the label, and the kind I have should be safe according to about 4 websites and my mother and sister)

Despite the fact that I feel like nothing but a baby making machine, and I feel like I am falling apart, I am grateful for all these symptoms. This just means that there is a little baby in there, and he has to be pretty healthy to be giving me all these symptoms. I am doing my best to eat 90% of my food off of the "Pregnancy Power Foods" list, which I complied from several different top 10 foods to eat during pregnancy (funny, there are some overlaps, but none of the lists are exactly the same) The added benefit of this is that I am eating really healthy, and I am actually loosing weight. Now, my Dr. may not like it, but I am cutting out junk, and that can't be a bad thing. I figure, if I am going to go through all this, and I am going to make a baby, I might as well make the healthiest baby I can.

Pregnancy seems designed to prepare you for life as a mother. You start making sacrifices nine months before the child is born, so by the time they put in an appearance you are used to giving things up for them.
~ Brett Kiellerop

First Morning Sickess - Saturday, March 15th
That morning, I was helping to clean my mother's house, and I got overheated. I had been feeling slightly nauseous all morning, but I had done everything I could to try to keep it at bay. Once I overheated, it was becoming more difficult to not be sick, so I went outside to take in some cool, fresh air. My parents Dog, Zeeva, is an adorable little Blue Heeler, who has many endearing qualities, but one great flaw: She loves to chase skunks. As soon as I sat down, she came up to me, and sat with me. Without thinking, I petted her, and immediately regretted it. As soon as I stirred the skunk oils on her fur, my stomach retched. Trying to not be sick, I went inside, washed my hands, and my mom sprayed me with OUST air freshener. I also turned to my Preggy Pops to help curb the nausea. That was a huge mistake, as I had brushed my teeth not long before going outside. Within minutes, I was unable to fight it any more. I was sick. Since then, I have had morning sickness, and nausea, but nothing as bad as Saturday. More than the nausea it's self, I have constant fatigue, and a persistent annoying headache. If I make sudden moves I get dizzy, which mimics nausea. However, it does pass quickly.

I have had some aversion to food. I still eat, but some of the things I would have loved before simply don't appeal to me. We went to Painted Horse last night, and all I had was a little bowl of soup. It was more than enough, and I almost regretted eating all of it. I can attribute that, and my efforts to eat as healthy as possible to my recent weight loss. i started out the pregnancy journey weighing 250 lbs, and I am now weighing 238 lbs. According to the charts, theoretically, I should not gain more than 11 lbs in my pregnancy because I am over weight. At this rate, I should theoretically weigh less at the end than at the beginning..? We will see.

One of the newest symptoms I have encountered is constipation. UGH. I woke in the night with so much bloating, and gas that I just almost threw up. I was a little worried, because I was not sure what was going on. I pray this is not common during my pregnancy. I would rather throw up. Many of the symptoms I have been experiencing, a lot of people would not have as strong as I am experiencing them this early. I did some research, and all of these are caused by progesterone, which is the hormone I am injected with daily.

I give you permission to laugh at me for the antics I am about to tell you about. When they told us we were pregnant, they told us I would need to go in a week later (this Thursday) for another pregnancy test "just to make sure your levels are developing as they should". The more I thought about it, the more it made me unsure. Yes, we know I am pregnant. I have confirmed this with two (light) positive home pregnancy tests, and a blood test at the clinic. However, despite all the symptoms, and the positive tests, I needed reassured. I bought a two pack of cheap tests, not wanting to waste money on this silly antic. Everyone will tell you that you need to take the test in the morning, using your "first pee", because it contains the strongest levels of hormones. I took my test at about 3 in the afternoon. This test was an undeniably positive one. The instructions require you to pee on the stick, and then wait three minutes to get your results. I however was shocked and happy when I peed on the stick, and immediately brought it up to look at it, and it was already showing a positive result. Within only 30 seconds, it was the strongest positive you could imagine. Since I already knew I was pregnant, There should have been no shock, but I was delighted to see that little blue plus sign. Go ahead, laugh at me if you want, but know that I will most likely be taking that other test before it is done.

Today marks the first day of the 5th week of my pregnancy, and my baby is the size of a sesame seed. There are already so many people that love this tiny little baby. Many family members and friends are super excited to welcome baby J into the world. My mother (Ok, and myself) have already bought some clothes for it. We have already made plans for the nursery. When we got home from my parents house on Sunday, we had a present waiting for us. Josh and Haley had bought baby J a giant, 4 foot plush giraffe, which we had seen and loved. The funny thing is that we had actually already bought one ourselves. Now, there are a pair of giant giraffes living in the corner of our living room. Yes, they scare me almost every time I go into the living room.

From whattoexpect.com:
It takes a lot of developing to become a baby — all the major (and minor) bodily systems (digestive, circulatory, nervous, and so on) and organs (heart, lungs, stomach…you get the idea) have to form from scratch. One of the first systems to be operational is the circulatory (or blood) system — along with its companion organ: the heart. When you are 5 weeks pregnant, your baby's heart is made up of two tiny channels called heart tubes — and they're already hard at work, beating to their own drummer (it will be weeks before those beats become coordinated). When those tubes fuse together, your baby will have a fully functioning heart (though it almost certainly already has its grip on yours). Also in the works this week are several other organs, including the neural tube (the precursor to your baby's brain and spinal cord), which hasn't yet sealed, but by next week, that open-door policy is over.

So what does your little embryo — already the size of an orange seed (how fast they grow!) — look like now? Actually, not unlike a tadpole, with a rudimentary head and a tail. But don't worry — there's no frog in your future. In fact, you're fewer than eight months away from holding a real prince (or princess) in your arms.

We should recognize that women become mothers the moment they are pregnant
Alveda King

Today, I got stuck with a needle, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I had my Dr. appointment early this morning, and they took a vial of blood to do a pregnancy test. Of course, like always, my angry veins were not cooperating, and they had to dig around for a while. For a person who hates needles, I have come a long way. I even watched her do this for the first time today. The appointment only lasted about 5 minutes, and they told me that they would contact me by 2 or 3, and if not, to call them. As my phone was dead, and I wanted Cameron to be the first one to hear the news, I told them to call him. (Also, I have been staying at my parents for the week, and I knew I would not be alone when I heard the news. I did not want to give anything away until Cam knew)

Mom and I were shopping, checking out Academy for a bathing suit for Dad, when Cam called. Since it was before noon, I was not expecting to hear any news from him. He started out the conversation telling me the Dr. had contacted him, and by the sound of his voice, it was not good news. He could not keep up the farce for long though. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!! I am officially pregnant. My little fighter embryo had held on, and is now the size of a poppy seed. (I am quite sure it is the cutest little poppy seed ever!) I cried right there in the swim suit aisle. All I could do was send mom a big "Thumbs UP" and smile.

Within a few hours, most of our family and friends were told, and we have just been basking in the knowledge that we will be parents. Cam's version of telling people is "We are having a baby, and it's a girl." Of course, we will not know the sex for a while, but he says, "It does not have a penis yet, so it's a girl" He was counting the number of times he could get away with saying penis and it still be acceptable. (I think I married a child.) I wish we were not across the state from each other right now, but even that can't take away our joy.

The one rain on our fabulous day was the discovery of a huge, HUGE rash around where I get my progesterone shots every night. (dad has been giving them to me daily, and doing a good job. I was afraid, but I guess I should not have been) I read that hives are common in pregnancy, and I guess they can just pop up out of nowhere. I sure wish they would just go away. I have also been having a lot of dry skin and I have been drinking a LOT more water than normal. So far, those are the main symptoms besides sore nipples and being tired. I found out that most of the cramping I have been having is due to my ovaries shrinking back to size. (Oh joy... I should have known)

I'm pregnant. I'm actually 100% certified pregnant. Right now, I am 4 weeks along. My due date is approximately November 19th. I love that I will have a baby slightly before Christmas. It will truly be the most wonderful time of the year.