Polly Polyps

Before I begin telling you about the new twist in the plot of our baby journey, let me give you some great news. 

1) Our clinic gave us a 20% discount off of the FET procedure because we are repeat customers. That is awesome.
2) We were asking for prayers from friends and family last week because we were waiting for our insurance to authorize a medication we have to take. These estrogen patches are $400 out of pocket, or a simple $10 co-pay. We got news yesterday that our insurance did approve it!!!
3) With some other fancy saving techniques, like using what we have, and making sure I know everything being sent to me, we only paid $692 for our medications which we were quoted at being $1500.

Isn't that all great news? I love it when things work out in our favor once in a while.

Now, for that plot twist.

Not doing the transfer in April has opened a whole giant can of worms that we were 100% not expecting or planning for. We had thought we were going to transfer some embryos, maybe pay for some to be frozen for later use. That was NOT what happened.

Because we postponed the transfer, here are some things that, in true domino-effect, had to happen:
1) I have to be on birth control for two months and all the lovely side-effects that go with it.
2) Cam and I both have to take an antibiotic (Again) because it has been 6 months since we took one before. This is to make sure we are not giving each other STD's. Even though we KNOW that is not the case, we have to take it any way.
3) I have to do the FET process and everything that goes with it, including the $3k+ bills that go with it. (after discounts and refunds from previous cycles)
4) With a $6k deductible (none of the fertility treatment payments count toward it), we HAD hoped to have our baby in the same year as the IVF procedure, and all the prenatal care, etc. That's not going to happen. Everything will go back to $0 about two months before the birth. That's unfortunate.
5) I had to have another SIS/TT trial transfer ultrasound that cost us $895 on top of the other costs mentioned. This ultrasound is to make sure nothing is wrong with my uterus. They also map my uterus to make sure they know the best place to put the embryos on transfer day.

I am going to admit I was annoyed that I had to do all this, some of it for the second time in six months. I went into the appointment a little upset about it. I was paying almost $1k for a seemingly unnecessary procedure that takes less than ten minutes to complete.

As this was my third SIS/TT ultrasound I felt like an old pro. I knew that when they said, "Full bladder" they don't mean to drink a 44oz. water before coming in. I knew what to expect and that it was going to be painful, but not horribly so. I knew to expect menstrual-like cramps for the rest of the day.

When my Dr. finished the procedure, I was ready to say a quick thank-you and get ready to clean all the gel off my belly, etc. and get on my way. Instead of hurrying to the next patient, he stayed to tell me that he had found there polyps on my uterus.

Yup. This silly and redundant ultrasound actually found something. 

Turns out, I actually needed to have it done. They had told me it is better to have it and not find anything than to not have it and end up needing it. I said, "well, I'm perfectly healthy. We have male-factor infertility, you won't find anything, but I will do what I am told."

They were quick to assure me the polyps can be taken care of, but that it could not be done that day, and not in the clinic. I will have to have surgery (Hysteroscopy) later this month to have the poly polyps removed. This is not a major surgery, but it is incredibly overwhelming for me. 

Without the surgery we can not transfer any embryos, and all we have worked for can't happen. With the surgery, we have to come up with another several thousand dollars we were NOT planning on.

The good good news is that we caught the polyps in time, and our FET timeline won't be significantly altered. Our Dr. estimated that our timeline might get pushed back about a week. In the grand scheme of things, that is nothing. 

I really don't mean to sound grumpy or to be using this platform as a digital complaint box. I am a blessed woman, who is loved and I know that God will supply all my needs. Things look kinda gloomy right now and it just seems this process will never end. I feel like we have been in this endless ground hogs day loop of fertility treatments, setbacks and more treatments. Every step closer we get to actually getting a baby, we are pulled back several steps. 

I want to say, "It's not FAIR!" I want to throw myself on my bed and cry. I want to hit something. But, I don't. I can't. My crazy little life keeps going, even when I am overwhelmed and hurting. My son needs me, and I have to be able to care for and focus on him. 

No, it is NOT fair. While, "Why us?" goes through my mind in times like this, I am reminded that these things happen and they might as well happen to us. "Why NOT us?" 

If you are praying for us and lifting us up during this process, we appreciate you and we still covet those prayers. Please pray that the finances work themselves out. Pray for our attitudes and for my spirit. I am feeling a little crushed right about now. Pray for the surgery, that it goes well and is successful. Also, I am praying that nothing else goes wrong. Not sure I can handle another set-back right now. 

The Frozen Four

They froze our embryos yesterday. At this point we will never know for sure what happened, but we went from having 'unofficial, not supposed to know' information, saying we still had nine embryos to 'officially' having only four. 

Four is still a good number and we are thrilled to have this many. Four is what we had thought it would be since last Tuesday (retrieval day), and were prepared for. I feel a little silly having written a long post about taking care of nine children, but I don't at the same time. I'm not saying God was testing me, but what if he was? What if he was doing the same test to me that he did to Abraham? He knew the ultimate outcome, but he asked something of Abraham that Abraham didn't think he was capable of doing. He, although hesitant, did as God asked, and in the end God stepped in and rewarded Abraham's faithfulness and trust in Him. Just a thought. 

So far, my four little survivors are perfectly average. All four of them have received the ranking of 4BB. This isn't as good as I would have liked to see (Man! They aren't even born yet and I'm already pressuring them to get good grades!) but not as bad as it could be.

I have heard and read many stories of even poor quality embryos leading to a successful pregnancy. Currently I am researching the cryopreservation process as well as frozen transfers. I hope to have a post or two written about those subjects this week. 

I am not going to write a long, mushy post about this, because I think I have made it clear how I feel on the subject, but I do feel I need to at least mention my five new heaven's babies. Yes, I am sad I will never get to meet them here on earth, and yet, I am glad they are resting with God and their three siblings already there. I always pictured my heaven's babies as Henry's guardians. I know that the theology isn't sound, but it makes me feel good. At this point, Henry and his siblings have a whole team of guardians up there, watching out for them. 

We won't hear any more information on our embryos, the frozen transfer, etc. for at least a couple of weeks. If you are praying for us, we are asking that God keeps us calm and centered during this long waiting process. We were prepared to be through with the process entirely already, and be on the way to a pregnancy test, so this extra waiting period is slightly torturous. I would also ask that you pray for us financially. This new procedure we were not expecting to have done comes with a large price tag. It isn't as much as a fresh IVF cycle, but it is enough to cause stress and anxiety. 

If God Brings You To It, He Will Bring You Through It

It is finally time to put a stop to one of the most used christian sayings I can think of. I have used it many times and thought it was correct and appropriate. "God will not give you more than you can handle" is one of the biggest lies and stumbling stones for many christian walks. 

If God never gave you more than you can handle, or kept more than you can handle from coming your way, life would look pretty grand, wouldn't it? Imagine a life where you are in complete control of your finances, emotions, health, relationships, etc. Your world would be ordered and perfect. Depression, anxiety, and a vast number of other issues would all but disappear. It really sounds like a world I want to live in, but it does not exist. 

In a world as I described above, there is no real need for God, or at least people wouldn't see the need for Him. God is so often described as a shelter, a refuge, a strong tower, a help in time of need. All of these things imply that when you are at the end of what you can handle, in steps God and his steadying hands support you. 

I am not implying that he is sitting in Heaven, feet up on a foot stool of stars, picking his teeth and watching us move about, only stepping in when we are needed. Some see Him that way, and it saddens my heart. 

Consider parenting. We love our children so much we would literally die for them. We strive to teach them and to raise them to not be little jerks, and to  hopefully be a contributing member of society. We want to keep them from harm, but sometimes the only way to do that is to let them experience a little pain. They have to live their own lives and make mistakes and do things we don't agree with, but that is how they learn.

When my son was learning to walk, I didn't coat him with bubble wrap and line all the furniture with pillows. He fell, he got bumps and bruises and even a couple of bloody lips. Every time he fell, I was there. I assured him he was okay and encouraged him to continue trying, that he was not finished with his learning. Eventually, we got through that phase, together. 

Believing that God will not give me more than I can handle means that when I get to the end of what I can handle on my own, there isn't anyone there to lean on. Believing that philosophy means that, technically, I believe that God has somehow left or abandoned me, sitting back and forgetting about me when things are too tough to take in my own power. Believing this gives Satan too much credit. If God does not give us more than we can handle, then the thing we are going through must be from Satan or even some kind of punishment from God. Believing that also means we think that as God's people we are not going to have to face really tough situations - and we all know that's not true. Yes, some can handle more than others, but does that somehow imply that if you have many hard trials that you are somehow closer to God? 

You see, there are SO many flaws with this saying that is far too overused. 

"If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it" is my preferred saying. It implies a God who is there, beside you, never leaving your side. He walks and talks with us and guides us through even the toughest situations. We really can rely on Him, and when we are in a situation in which we feel beyond our abilities, we know that we have a friend to turn to who knows far more than we do, and can provide help and wisdom when we need it. 

This saying is still encouraging and helps when we are feeling like there is more than we can handle, but the imagery in it is so much better. Not giving you more than you can handle looks to me like a person with a giant pack on his back, and a God who is slowly putting one more rock on, gauging when the person's legs with buckle under him. Then, at the last minute, he steps in and saves the struggling person. Bringing you to it and through it implies to me a boy scout leader, teaching and directing as his students learn new concepts and ideas, some harder than others. He is always there for questions or to offer help or advice, but He can't do all the work for the kids. When they are hiking, or camping, he has the map and guides the kids, when needed, but lets them try to figure things out. 

Of the two sayings, one describes a God who is a dictator and one who is a leader. One reflects free will (He is leading, but we still have to make the decisions to follow, even when we know it is going to be hard) and the other, burden. One reflects the true heart of the Gospel and the other, salvation based on works and one's ability to DO things. 

I am not saying if you use the first one, you are somehow spreading false doctrine, it is a common phrase today, but I choose to not use it and instead try to use the second one. I believe we are all called to be intentional, and that includes the words that come out of our mouth. Sometimes the most innocent of statements can stick with a person. 

Richly Rooted In God's Promises

While our decision about what to do with all our embryos has not changed - we are quite resolute in our decision- we (I) find it a little hard to swallow when I think of all those little embryos. My throat closes off a bit and I am overwhelmed at the thought that I am responsible for all those souls. What do we do with them all?! Our plan is to keep attempting a transfer, two at a time, every time we have a baby (babies) about 18 months old, so our kids will be at least two years apart.

This plan makes sense, and we made it thinking that we would have four, possibly five embryos available, and factoring in the risks, that we would logically only have 2 or three actual live births from all those embryos. It was the ethical and responsible thing to do. It was the smartest financial decision as well, as we can not afford to continue paying for our kids to stay on ice into eternity. We already know that we would never destroy the embryos and have reached the unified and prayerful decision that we do not want to adopt them out.

The thing is I am struggling a bit right now. My heart and brain are sending me conflicting and confusing messages and I'm experiencing a little emotional overload. I am the one who always wanted a large family. I prayed for it and have shed so many tears over what I thought was the death of that dream. At one time I actually saw myself marrying young, maybe even to someone who already had a kid, starting off my adult life as a mom and just cruising along from there. Of course, I had this glorified idea of motherhood (I think I was about six or seven when I wanted this) that was far more fabulous than reality and may have been influenced by The Sound of Music. I have since dialed back the dream a bit, but one thing I knew for sure was I always wanted a minimum of three kids. Four was a prefect number in my mind. Wouldn't you know, I ended up falling head over heals with a man who wasn't sure he ever wanted kids and hadn't had much exposure to them.

You always want what you can't have, and maybe, just because I wanted a family so badly, he eventually came around and we both wanted to be parents with everything in us. By the time our son actually arrived, Cam was an old pro at the kid thing. We had nephews by then that adored their uncle, and he was in love with those little boys. Even as much as he loved them, nothing prepared him for fatherhood.

My husband has come into his own since becoming a father. He lights up when our son is in the room and delights in being his parent. For not really liking kids and not thinking he would enjoy being a parent, he is (and I am not exaggerating) one of the best dads out there. When our son was a couple of days old, and I was still in a fog of nursing and giant diaper underwear, he looked at me as he was holding H and told me in all seriousness that he thought we should have six or seven kids. I went from desiring a large family to choking on my own saliva and trying desperately to put the brakes on that idea.

Of course, I want another child. I would not be going through all of this if I did not truly love being a mother and want another baby. However, more than a large quiver full of kids, I was resigned to and satisfied with the idea of having Henry and a younger sibling for him. I had accepted our diagnosis, mourned the loss of my large family and moved on. With each cup of coffee that gets me through my day as a stay at home mom, the idea of having just two kids was planted deeper into my soul.

You see, while I am completely sold out for my son, and I love him with my entire being, I am not as good of a mother as I imagined I would be. Taking care of other's kids and being the fun sitter or nanny is one thing - you can enjoy them and go home. Being with your own offspring who pick up all your habits, good or bad, and bring out the worst in you just as you are trying desperately to give the best you have to them is utterly exhausting. Add maintaining a semi-clean home and making something besides pizza rolls for dinner, and I don't have the emotional energy to shower, let alone do anything else. AND I only have ONE kid!

Nine. That number just keeps ringing in my ears over and over again like a church bell. Right now there is a real possibility that I could have nine more babies. I do have nine babies. I take that back; I am the mother of a grand total of 13 children. Three of them are in heaven and I will never hold them. One of them is here, snuggling with his daddy watching cartoons as I write, and nine are in a dish in a lab in Tulsa with a very uncertain and cold future ahead of them. They go into the freezer tomorrow.

Wrapping my mind around this, and cementing our decision, despite recent developments is hard. Picturing myself surrounded with kids brings on both sweet, warm feelings, and a little clammy sweat at the same time. This truly is not my decision. When I put this in God's hands and said, Thy will be done, I didn't put a clause on there that said, IF things so as I planned them. When we asked for a miracle from God, and asked Him for an amazing outcome for this cycle, He delivered.

His answer isn't exactly what I thought it would be, but I truly feel He is the one orchestrating this entire thing. We have chosen to take a position of LIFE during this process, and I have written many posts centered on that subject. We have said that our goal is to honor life and to present infertility and IVF treatment from a christian worldview of sanctity of life. We have said that we would raise and love any child that God gave us through this process. There is NO way I could go back on that now. Yes, when we said that, we may have fully believed what we were saying, but we made the assumption that God's plans for us were the same as ours. I'm sure He gets a good laugh several times a day because His people make that mistake a LOT.

In my mind I was not only putting limitations on, but actually believing in a limited God. This was not something intentional, or even something I thought about until tonight as I sit here digesting the news. I believed He could give me a baby, but rather I chose not to believe, or rationalized it or any number of things, I did not think He would do something this amazing. Scientifically, the fact that all nine are still here, statistically, that none of them expired is a miracle.

Right this second, the thought of having several children scares me. I am an independent, private person (yes, I am private, even though I do not seem to have any trouble sharing all on a blog) who likes to do things my way. Having that many kids, likely a set or two of twins means not only would I feel out of control, but I would have to accept a lot of help from others. That is hard for me to do. I am honored and blessed by their desire to help, but actually accepting the help is something I rarely do and am not entirely comfortable with.

The good thing is, I have quite a bit of time to think this all through. I won't go in for my first frozen transfer for about another month, and then there are still a couple more years until we try for another transfer. I recently read that you have the energy you need for what you need to get done. Right now I know about being the mom to one, and that is my normal. When this new baby (babies) come, that will be the new normal. There will be an adjustment period, but God will provide the energy and strength needed as I need it. Also, my husband will keep me supplied with a bottomless coffee pot...

God never changes, and His steadfast love is new every morning. His mercies have no end. Because of that beautiful promise from Him, we are going to keep our promise in return. No matter how many babies He has for us, one or nine, we will love them, raise them and teach them to know Him. It is our promise and our calling - one we never expected in a million years. We will stay rooted in the knowledge that His plans are not ours and that He knows what he is doing. It may be hard, and we might not always feel in control, but we know that we are doing the right thing, and that is all that matters.

**EDIT -  7/19/17
This post was written the evening we found out we had nine embryos that had survived to day five in the lab after IVF treatment. The next day they froze the embryos and we ended up with five surviving snowflake babies. Every word of this post remains true, even though the number of potential children has been reduced.

We transfer two of those embryos next week and we are both excited and nervous for what our future holds. We know that our loving God has a plan for us though, and we are clinging to the promise that He will never leave us.

If you want to read more about our story, please check out some of my other posts about our infertility and IVF journey.
**

Nine Lives

This afternoon we got the call we have been waiting for. It was odd, and it freaked me out, but it was nice to get information. 

I was making dinner when the clinic called me. While I say we were waiting for the call, we were not actually expecting a phone call, but an update on our online portal. We were told to look for information on Sunday for how many embryos were successfully frozen and their grades.

Receiving the call initially sent me into panic mode. We are operating on a 'no news is good news' point of view, so a phone call usually doesn't bode well. I about dropped the phone when the voice on the other line said she was calling to schedule our transfer, and that we should be in the clinic at 9:45 tomorrow morning. My throat thickened and I had several tears on standby, thinking we had somehow misunderstood and had messed everything up.  I told the IVF coordinator that I was not on any of the medications and had not been taking progesterone shots. I said we were told we would be doing a frozen transfer in June or July. It took a little bit, but after some assurance that they really do know what they are doing, (which I do not doubt - they are great) but I was somehow still on her list, but that was okay - no harm done - she apologized and then went ahead and gave me some info about our little embryos. Not sure she was actually supposed to do this, but it is our information about our children, and it was available and in front of her, so...

I was expecting her to tell me that we were lucky to have three or four and that she was hopeful about our chances. Instead, she blew me away. Out of the nine eggs that were successfully fertilized and became embryos on Tuesday evening, we have... *Drum Roll Please* ...NINE remaining.

That's right. Not a single one has 'expired', stopped growing, etc. This has never happened for us. Out of nine fertilized in 2104, only three actually 'took' and we only had one left on the day of transfer. We were realistically expecting to have four, maybe five left at this point. To have nine remaining is nothing short of a miracle.

The other two times we have been in this situation, at the brink of transfer (this time freezing) day, we have been cautiously optimistic, but that's about it. Last time we didn't even get to the clinic before learning we didn't have a single embryo to transfer. The time before, we went to the clinic expecting to transfer two but ended up with only one. We transferred that one, even though it was not the best quality. (that one little embryo ended up being our son, Henry)

Not only do we have more than we know what to do with this cycle, we have some really healthy little fighters to boot! Three of the embryos are what they call compacted and looking like perfect blastocysts (see image above). Three more are just behind those, looking like they are going to catch up and will probably be perfect little embies. She didn't really say anything about the other three, but I am assuming they are somewhere lower on the scale, but obviously still hanging on and will probably be viable as well.

God really does deliver in impossible situations. He went beyond our wildest expectations and gave us so much more than we asked for. Actually, we are a little overwhelmed at how well it has all gone. From writing about rotten eggs to having more embryos that we know what to do with has been quite the journey for me emotionally and spiritually. I was feeling sorry for myself and tempted to doubt God's plan for us. He sure showed me.

"I will make them and the places surrounding my hill a blessing. I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing."~Ezekiel 34:26

We will still get an update tomorrow, letting us know about our little embies. Tomorrow's update will include more specific grading information about the individual embryos. I feel like I can really let them go, and let them get frozen (did you see what I did there) with a sense of peace about our future family.

Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome

Stimulated ovaries with large follicles. 

Here is the Facebook post I made this afternoon. Just like I never expected to be on this infertility journey, I never gave a thought to having Ovarian Hyper Stimulation. (OHSS). I guess I have to be thankful for it because it is those overactive ovaries this cycle that got me so many eggs and allowed for our nine little embryos. 

"OHSS is crazy stuff. I don't have all the symptoms of the severe version, but from what I understand, I'm between moderate and severe. I have tried to stay away from google because when you look up the symptoms, at the bottom of this list (most of which I have) is death. Yes, death -try not to let that freak you out!
In an effort to not sound like a panicking hypochondriac, I downplayed my symptoms and described it with as much humor and levity as I could manage when I sent my dr an update. His nurse replied that I hade made her laugh out loud in the office. Goal accomplished. Unfortunately, there isn't much I can do to make things better except take pain pills, drink lots of water and get rest as much as possible. Shortness of breath from my swollen organs pushing on my diaphragm is ok as long as I can get a good breath by leaning back and not sitting straight up. Pain is to be expected and is 'normal' as long as it can be controlled by my (narcotic) pain killers.
Not being able to stand fully upright because of pain from swollen ovaries and other organs being choked by excess fluids is all within the realm of normal for OHSS.
The constpiation (and gas😐)from the strong pain meds (even drinking lots of water doesn't keep that away) adds to all the bloating and general uncomfortable feeling as well as making my bum really sore (😳Tmi).
This is the first time I've experienced OHSS and I'm grateful I haven't had to deal with it before. I'm also grateful that we have nine embryos. This means that likely we will never have to do the stimulation / retrieval phase of IVF again, even if we try to have another baby in the future. We are expecting to have several little embryos in the freezer."

As I said above, there isn't a lot that can be done unless symptoms become life-threatening, so I just have to sit and monitor my symptoms. I feel better when I am able to lay flat and not move much at all. I was able to take a long rest this afternoon, so I feel better than I did this morning. It is a rainy, gross day and H  decided to take over a two hour nap, so I took full advantage of it.  

If you are going through IVF treatment, your Dr. will look for symptoms of OHSS and will be on top of it. It is your job to monitor symptoms at home and let your clinic know if you have any changes or new symptoms. It is uncomfortable and not much fun at all, but while it CAN get bad, most cases are nothing to worry about  - you just have to be diligent and not over do it. 

My nurse told me that symptoms and even new symptoms may occur / continue up to 10 days after the HCG trigger shot. It is excess HCG that is believed to cause OHSS. This is the reason they delayed my transfer and decided to go with a frozen cycle in a couple of months. Pregnancy increases the HCG in your body and could make OHSS even worse. Attempting a pregnancy while having OHSS symptoms could lead to other complications. 

What is OHSS? 

Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) is a medical condition affecting the ovaries of some women who take fertility medication to stimulate egg growth. Most cases are mild, but rarely the condition is severe and can lead to serious illness or death.

What are OHSS Symptoms?

With severe ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, you might have:

• Rapid weight gain — such as 33 to 44 pounds (15 to 20 kilograms) in five to 10 days
• Severe abdominal pain
• Severe, persistent nausea and vomiting
• Blood clots in legs
• Decreased urination
• Shortness of breath
• Tight or enlarged abdomen

Read more here

How long can it take for OHSS symptoms to subside? 

OHSS symptoms usually appear a few days after ovulation. Symptoms usually resolve within two weeks, unless pregnancy occurs.

With God All Things Are Possible

God's people must have been lifting up a mountain of prayers on our behalf because the news we got this morning could only be described as a miracle! 

To break down this chart, we had 11 eggs harvested. Out of that 11, one had to be tossed. There were 10 that had ICSI performed on them (were injected with a sperm with a needle.) Out of that 10, 9 little embryos are growing and have potential to be babies in our arms. NINE!!

Out of the three egg retrievals we have done and the three results we have waited for, this is the most encouraging report we have ever had. Out of 11 eggs when we did IVF with Henry, only three fertilized and only one made it to transfer day. Having 9 to start off with really increases our odds and gives us hope that this can be a successful cycle. 

I'm not entirely sure what the next few weeks will look like as I have never done a frozen transfer before, but I feel much more relaxed about the whole process now that I have this wonderful news. 

When I got the message about our little Embies, I called Cam and told him to start looking for the van he wanted, that we were the proud parents to 13 babies. (three heaven babies, Henry and 9 in the clinic right now)

We are not 100% sure what the future looks like for any frozen (snowflake is what the IVF world calls them) babies we have, but we see ourselves attempting a frozen transfer every couple of years until they are all used. I can't stand the thought of just letting them remain frozen with no plan for their future. We arrived at that conclusion a long time ago and feel a real peace about it. God created these lives, and if He wants them to live, He will make it happen. 

Thank you again for all the prayers and love you have shown us. I truly believe that it is the prayers sent up that got us to the place we are today.