Whether your pregnancy was meticulously planned, medically coaxed, or happened by surprise, one thing is certain - your life will never be the same ~Catherine Jones

Why did I want to be pregnant again?
Yesterday was quite the pregnancy night mare, and I am only 5 weeks along. To be fair, if this were a normal pregnancy, I would not be experiencing some of these, but still... I worked with cam at his office for most of the day, and I didn't do to much physical work. I sat at a desk most of the day, but I got over tired before I realized it. All of a sudden, I was completely exhausted. I mean, I was tired to the point to distraction. I went home and took a long nap, which only made me grumpy when I woke up. I also woke up with a pretty huge headache. When it was time for me to get my shot, it was miserable. I still have huge hives on my left side, and am developing them on my right side. I have been using only the right side for about a week now, and cam could not find a place to give the shot. There are so many black bruises and bumps from the shots that Cam decided it would be better to try to use the left side. He found a good place, and it didn't hurt to bad. However, getting a shot on that side only made the itching worse. I also fought really bad heartburn all day, and last night I finally took two tums, even though I had been told not to. I thought my esophagus was going to dissolve it was hurting so bad. (I did read the label, and the kind I have should be safe according to about 4 websites and my mother and sister)

Despite the fact that I feel like nothing but a baby making machine, and I feel like I am falling apart, I am grateful for all these symptoms. This just means that there is a little baby in there, and he has to be pretty healthy to be giving me all these symptoms. I am doing my best to eat 90% of my food off of the "Pregnancy Power Foods" list, which I complied from several different top 10 foods to eat during pregnancy (funny, there are some overlaps, but none of the lists are exactly the same) The added benefit of this is that I am eating really healthy, and I am actually loosing weight. Now, my Dr. may not like it, but I am cutting out junk, and that can't be a bad thing. I figure, if I am going to go through all this, and I am going to make a baby, I might as well make the healthiest baby I can.

Pregnancy seems designed to prepare you for life as a mother. You start making sacrifices nine months before the child is born, so by the time they put in an appearance you are used to giving things up for them.
~ Brett Kiellerop

First Morning Sickess - Saturday, March 15th
That morning, I was helping to clean my mother's house, and I got overheated. I had been feeling slightly nauseous all morning, but I had done everything I could to try to keep it at bay. Once I overheated, it was becoming more difficult to not be sick, so I went outside to take in some cool, fresh air. My parents Dog, Zeeva, is an adorable little Blue Heeler, who has many endearing qualities, but one great flaw: She loves to chase skunks. As soon as I sat down, she came up to me, and sat with me. Without thinking, I petted her, and immediately regretted it. As soon as I stirred the skunk oils on her fur, my stomach retched. Trying to not be sick, I went inside, washed my hands, and my mom sprayed me with OUST air freshener. I also turned to my Preggy Pops to help curb the nausea. That was a huge mistake, as I had brushed my teeth not long before going outside. Within minutes, I was unable to fight it any more. I was sick. Since then, I have had morning sickness, and nausea, but nothing as bad as Saturday. More than the nausea it's self, I have constant fatigue, and a persistent annoying headache. If I make sudden moves I get dizzy, which mimics nausea. However, it does pass quickly.

I have had some aversion to food. I still eat, but some of the things I would have loved before simply don't appeal to me. We went to Painted Horse last night, and all I had was a little bowl of soup. It was more than enough, and I almost regretted eating all of it. I can attribute that, and my efforts to eat as healthy as possible to my recent weight loss. i started out the pregnancy journey weighing 250 lbs, and I am now weighing 238 lbs. According to the charts, theoretically, I should not gain more than 11 lbs in my pregnancy because I am over weight. At this rate, I should theoretically weigh less at the end than at the beginning..? We will see.

One of the newest symptoms I have encountered is constipation. UGH. I woke in the night with so much bloating, and gas that I just almost threw up. I was a little worried, because I was not sure what was going on. I pray this is not common during my pregnancy. I would rather throw up. Many of the symptoms I have been experiencing, a lot of people would not have as strong as I am experiencing them this early. I did some research, and all of these are caused by progesterone, which is the hormone I am injected with daily.

I give you permission to laugh at me for the antics I am about to tell you about. When they told us we were pregnant, they told us I would need to go in a week later (this Thursday) for another pregnancy test "just to make sure your levels are developing as they should". The more I thought about it, the more it made me unsure. Yes, we know I am pregnant. I have confirmed this with two (light) positive home pregnancy tests, and a blood test at the clinic. However, despite all the symptoms, and the positive tests, I needed reassured. I bought a two pack of cheap tests, not wanting to waste money on this silly antic. Everyone will tell you that you need to take the test in the morning, using your "first pee", because it contains the strongest levels of hormones. I took my test at about 3 in the afternoon. This test was an undeniably positive one. The instructions require you to pee on the stick, and then wait three minutes to get your results. I however was shocked and happy when I peed on the stick, and immediately brought it up to look at it, and it was already showing a positive result. Within only 30 seconds, it was the strongest positive you could imagine. Since I already knew I was pregnant, There should have been no shock, but I was delighted to see that little blue plus sign. Go ahead, laugh at me if you want, but know that I will most likely be taking that other test before it is done.

Today marks the first day of the 5th week of my pregnancy, and my baby is the size of a sesame seed. There are already so many people that love this tiny little baby. Many family members and friends are super excited to welcome baby J into the world. My mother (Ok, and myself) have already bought some clothes for it. We have already made plans for the nursery. When we got home from my parents house on Sunday, we had a present waiting for us. Josh and Haley had bought baby J a giant, 4 foot plush giraffe, which we had seen and loved. The funny thing is that we had actually already bought one ourselves. Now, there are a pair of giant giraffes living in the corner of our living room. Yes, they scare me almost every time I go into the living room.

From whattoexpect.com:
It takes a lot of developing to become a baby — all the major (and minor) bodily systems (digestive, circulatory, nervous, and so on) and organs (heart, lungs, stomach…you get the idea) have to form from scratch. One of the first systems to be operational is the circulatory (or blood) system — along with its companion organ: the heart. When you are 5 weeks pregnant, your baby's heart is made up of two tiny channels called heart tubes — and they're already hard at work, beating to their own drummer (it will be weeks before those beats become coordinated). When those tubes fuse together, your baby will have a fully functioning heart (though it almost certainly already has its grip on yours). Also in the works this week are several other organs, including the neural tube (the precursor to your baby's brain and spinal cord), which hasn't yet sealed, but by next week, that open-door policy is over.

So what does your little embryo — already the size of an orange seed (how fast they grow!) — look like now? Actually, not unlike a tadpole, with a rudimentary head and a tail. But don't worry — there's no frog in your future. In fact, you're fewer than eight months away from holding a real prince (or princess) in your arms.

We should recognize that women become mothers the moment they are pregnant
Alveda King

Today, I got stuck with a needle, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I had my Dr. appointment early this morning, and they took a vial of blood to do a pregnancy test. Of course, like always, my angry veins were not cooperating, and they had to dig around for a while. For a person who hates needles, I have come a long way. I even watched her do this for the first time today. The appointment only lasted about 5 minutes, and they told me that they would contact me by 2 or 3, and if not, to call them. As my phone was dead, and I wanted Cameron to be the first one to hear the news, I told them to call him. (Also, I have been staying at my parents for the week, and I knew I would not be alone when I heard the news. I did not want to give anything away until Cam knew)

Mom and I were shopping, checking out Academy for a bathing suit for Dad, when Cam called. Since it was before noon, I was not expecting to hear any news from him. He started out the conversation telling me the Dr. had contacted him, and by the sound of his voice, it was not good news. He could not keep up the farce for long though. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!! I am officially pregnant. My little fighter embryo had held on, and is now the size of a poppy seed. (I am quite sure it is the cutest little poppy seed ever!) I cried right there in the swim suit aisle. All I could do was send mom a big "Thumbs UP" and smile.

Within a few hours, most of our family and friends were told, and we have just been basking in the knowledge that we will be parents. Cam's version of telling people is "We are having a baby, and it's a girl." Of course, we will not know the sex for a while, but he says, "It does not have a penis yet, so it's a girl" He was counting the number of times he could get away with saying penis and it still be acceptable. (I think I married a child.) I wish we were not across the state from each other right now, but even that can't take away our joy.

The one rain on our fabulous day was the discovery of a huge, HUGE rash around where I get my progesterone shots every night. (dad has been giving them to me daily, and doing a good job. I was afraid, but I guess I should not have been) I read that hives are common in pregnancy, and I guess they can just pop up out of nowhere. I sure wish they would just go away. I have also been having a lot of dry skin and I have been drinking a LOT more water than normal. So far, those are the main symptoms besides sore nipples and being tired. I found out that most of the cramping I have been having is due to my ovaries shrinking back to size. (Oh joy... I should have known)

I'm pregnant. I'm actually 100% certified pregnant. Right now, I am 4 weeks along. My due date is approximately November 19th. I love that I will have a baby slightly before Christmas. It will truly be the most wonderful time of the year.

9 out of 10 children get their awesomeness from their Aunt
~Unknown

Being an Aunt is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I think my nephews are the most amazing people in the world. Carter, the two year old, who is constantly on the move, has so much personality. He is all boy, and loves to sword fight, pillow fight, wrestle, play chase, play with the dog and make loud noises. He also has a hero right now, and his name is "BUZ!" Carter just had his second birthday, and we had a Buz party. Of course, all the other Toy Story characters were invited, but Buz was the guest of honor. I helped him go potty yesterday, and it was so funny. He kept saying, "Buz, Buz, Buz.." and dug through the pull ups till he found the one that had buz on the front. We might have to get him a new psckage when we go to town, because he is going to run out, and have a break down.

While Carter is all boy, and ready to get dirty at all times (actually, not sure why I said that. He hates to have his hands dirty) he is also the BEST snuggler, and gives great hugs. If it is his idea to be picked up, and be snuggled, and he chooses you as the one to do it, it melts your heart. This boy is also VERY dramatic. He has you kiss "ouch" (tiny, or imaginary hurts) several times a day. He will go around, pointing to his tummy, ear, hand, cheek, whatever, and say "ouch" until someone kisses the ouch away. Of course, no one minds getting the excuse to kiss that sweet boy.

One of the most precious things about carter to me, is his relationship with my dad, "Papa". Papa is Carters best friend. He only sits in Papas chair, even when dad is not there. They nap together, watch endless cartoons, play hard, and snuggle for hours. For a while when he was younger, Papa was the only one except my sister and brother-in-law that could make him stop crying, or comfort him. Sometimes, he even preferred Papa over even them. The way my dad caters to his every need and want, and interacts with him is so wonderful to see. Yeah, he is spoiling the boy rotten, but that is what Grandparents are made to do.

Little Landon has only been in our lives for 3 months, but he has won everyone's hearts with his adorable smile, and that wonderful baby smell. He is almost always happy, unless he is hungry, or needs changed. Of course, at this point, he is not picky about who is holding him, but I like to think that he really likes me to have the privilege. Last night, I went with Katie, Alyssa, and Mom to Weight Watchers, where they work. I got to hold Landon while they did their thing. We had the best time. We made faces, and he laughed when I talked to him. If you stick your tongue out, he will mimic you. Also, this kid is walking already. Ok, so not really. He is super strong though. I stood him up, and only helped him keep his balance, and he "walked" across the counter. He saw the shiny dish rack, and wanted to check it out. Of course, I made him do it several times before his legs got tired.

Being around my family, and these precious babies all week is just the distraction I need to keep me from dwelling on my upcoming blood test. We find out Thursday if we are pregnant or not. I have to admit, I did take two tests already, one on Sunday, and one today. They were both positive, but they were VERY faint positives. I have had some more symptoms (discharge, mood swings, sore breasts, and a lot of cramping) but like before, it is hard to say if they are caused by my pregnancy or the medications they are giving me. We are all so excited about me being pregnant, that almost everyone we know knows about it. Dad even announced it in his small group on Sunday night. I am happy about that. Rather I have this baby or not, even if this one is not the one we have for keeps, I am pregnant. There is a baby in me. We have created not one, but three lives with this IVF round, and this tiny little ball of cells represents all three of them. I am pregnant. If I find out I have lost this baby, it will be a miscarriage, and I will mourn it. If you are thinking I am silly, just wait. If you ever have to go through what I have been through, you will understand. Right now however, we are choosing to be positive and believe that I am pregnant, and that this procedure has been successful.

Keeping our fingers crossed...

Just wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' Plannin' and dreamin'
~Dusty Springfield

Waiting is not fun. I have been resisting the urge to take a home pregnancy test. I will resist though. The last thing I want to do is take the test to early, and end up stressing myself out if it is a false negative. I have been experiencing pregnancy symptoms, but I can easily attribute that to my progesterone shots. I did wake up this morning nauseous, and dizzy, which is a new symptom, and gives me hope.

The shot, oh, the shot. I am so tired of getting those stupid shots. My haunches are bumpy and sore, and the worst part is, as I mentioned, the strong simulated pregnancy symptoms. I have been having horrible gas (toxic, and frequent), body aches (my muscles feel like they are ripping from my body), sore breasts, and menstrual-like cramping (which could also be implanting..???). I was at first excited about all of these symptoms, because, these are also some of the first signs to look for in pregnancy. One day, all the symptoms were especially strong, so I did what I do, and researched the symptoms of my shot. Progesterone in a normal pregnancy, and at normal levels causes the symptoms you experience. However, in my case, I am getting high doses of the hormone, and therefore, more aggressive symptoms. (YEAH)

One of the most noticeable symptoms (besides the gas... I'm sorry if you get stuck in an elevator with me) is the weight gain. This past week alone, I have gained 8 lbs. I weigh 10 lbs. more today than I ever have in my life. I already look pregnant, and and feel like a whale. Yes, I started this journey out a bit overweight, and that does not help. The steroids, multiple other medications and injections, and these awful progesterone shots have put my weight gain into "warp speed".

Hello
~Cameron Jarrett

This is going to be a long post. I have been jotting down my thoughts, but I have not had the energy to sit and put them together. The past week or so has been one of super high highs, super low lows, and lots of anxiety. By the morning of retrieval, (Wednesday, Feb. 26th) I was so sore, I could not wait to get the procedure done. My ovaries were swollen more than 3x their size, and making my whole abdomen cramp. I was nervous, but I knew everything would be ok. Goodness knows I had done enough research that I knew exactly what to expect.

The procedure it's self only took a few minutes, and the only thing I really remember is that my arms were out to my side, strapped down. This was not so pleasant, as I have horrible childhood memories of getting tubes in my ears, and a similar restraint. I didn't have time to even think about it though, because almost as soon as I registered what I was laying on, the anesthesia kicked in, and I was in the land of nod. After the procedure, I really felt pretty good, unless I switched positions. The 'hangover' from the medications was no fun, but that is to be expected. Cam helped me get dressed, and I was looking GOOD. No makeup, no products in my hair, no bobby pins, etc. (I'm one lucky girl that he still loves me after being seen in public with me looking like that) Before we left, we found out they had removed 11 eggs, which was a fantastic number. I was sure we would have no trouble making 5 or 6 embryos from that. They sent me home with instructions to take it easy, and a prescription for pain killers, which would be very thankful for later. Julie took care of me and let me rest on her couch during recovery, and even fed Cam and me. (Such a good mother-in-law)

After dinner, the dreaded moment was upon us. I had my first progesterone shot. Lisa, Cam's aunt volunteered to help us with the "monster shot" and make sure we were doing them correctly. She showed Cam how to draw up the correct dosage, prep the shot area, etc. All the while, I am leaning against the bathroom wall, hiney exposed, trying to be brave and not run from the room. She could tell I was struggling, so instead of warning me and giving me a chance to prepare for the shot, she ambushed me and gave the shot unexpectedly. Yeah, it hurt, but we all laughed. Later, she told me that she felt bad for hurting me, but oh well.. there is no way to give an IM shot without it hurting. (especially when we numbed the wrong area, and there was no deadening) By evening, a bad headache set in, and I went to bed early very early.

The next morning, I woke up and did some design, and laid in bed all day. I was still not recovered from being sick, and the pain from the surgery was 10x worse this day than the previous. It was torture waiting for the results to come in. Mom called, and while she was on the phone, I got on the portal, and THERE WAS NEWS. They had removed 11 eggs, inseminated 9, and out of that 9, 3 fertilized. Only 3... 3 on the first day. From what I read, that is not great. I'll be lucky to have the needed two by the time they transfer. The news of three was bad enough, but they were not showing the grades of the embryos (how well the cells were dividing, etc.) This launched me into a pretty deep depression. In between sleeping, and half watching netflix, all I could do was worry about the results. I think I slept 90% of that day. We had family dinner that night, and I had to go since it was also my birthday party with Cam's family. I tried to hide it, but it was no use. I had gone through so much, only to be defeated, and I was a wreck. We made it a short evening, and came home and went to bed, and I slept all night that night. You would have thought I would not sleep again for days, but I would end up sleeping away most of the rest of the week.

Our First Scoring came in on Friday morning. We had grades 3, 2, and 2.5. (1 being the worst, and 4 being the best. For some reason, our Dr. uses the inverse of every chart I could find on the internet. So, just think opposite.)I was glad to see a three, but the others didn't give me much hope. I was not seeing the positive in any of it. Cam actually had to remind me that I need to be more positive. I really tried, but with nothing to do but sleep, feel sorry for myself, and wait for updates, I really worked myself into nearly a breakdown.

Saturday Morning we got another update, and this one was encouraging. Our babies were already fighters. They had grown, and were showing signs of being healthy. We had grades of 4, 3, and 2.5. Now, this was more like it. I could work with these numbers. No, they were not what we thought we would have, but they were improving. Cam got me out of the house, and we looked at paint colors for a nursery, and Josh and Haley even went with us to Tulsa for some nursery window shopping, and some good food. We found a double stroller that I fell in love with, and we picked out the cribs we would be purchasing. It was fun getting to finally indulge in my baby fantasy, and have an actual reason to do so. We didn't purchase anything that day, but it made my heart happy to be able to look at all the baby things. It really felt like things were falling into place perfectly. I was still holding out hope that all three would be healthy, and we would have a good chance of having twins

Sunday. We were hit with a winter storm, so we slept in, I made us some breakfast, and we sat, waiting for the day's updates. I had been making the joke that my kids were only days old, and I was already pushing them to get good grades. (...Some people thought it was funny.) When they finally arrived in our inbox, we were very excited. Based on what we had seen the day before, we were expecting to see at least two '4s' on the chart, and then a wild card. The internet froze, and then Cam's computer was not wanting to open the document. (It always does that when you are really needing information) I had to get up and pace a bit, because I just could not stand the excitement I felt. Eventually, we got the results up and running. They were not what we were expecting. Over the night, the numbers had declined. We now had a 3, a 2, and one had "stopped developing". Of course, our charts did not say what that meant, but if something is to be growing, and it stops, it can only mean one thing. My heart broke. Yes, we still had two relatively healthy embryos, and they would not put more than two in any way, but I had lost one of my babies. This was real. We had created three precious lives, and I had been mothering them from afar, praying for them, and crying over them. I was sick that I could not be near them or do anything to make them better. This may seem silly to some people. I however fully believe that life begins at conception. Had this child been within me, I would be allowed to grieve it because it would be a miscarriage. No, it was not large, but it took up a big place in my heart. On top of the loss I was feeling, I was experiencing more panic over the entire situation. We were confirmed as a day 5 transfer, which meant that we would have the procedure some time on Monday. I was beginning to think they had forgot about us though. It was already Sunday afternoon, and we did not have an appointment time. We are lucky in the fact that I am not working right now, and Cam's job allows him a certain amount of flexibility. However, there was another storm coming through, and the chances of being snowed in, etc. were growing by the hour. I NEEDED some information so I could make some plans. I can't even imagine what I would have done had we not been in our work situations. We finally got a phone call (after a very direct email to them) from the office, and we were told to be there at 1:45 Monday. This was it. I had a plan, and things were going to work out.

The rest of the day we distracted ourselves with decorating the nursery, picking out wall paper (adorable btw) and paint colors. We even bought a 4.5 foot plush giraffe online, because cam had seen one in a store and was determined to have it. (I was kinda fascinated with it as well) We have 9 months to think about specifics of the nursery, and I know we will change our minds a few times on the specifics, but it was fun to come up with ideas together. Decorating our home has always been one of our favorite things to do together. Cam cares more about the subject than a lot of men I know, and he is actually a better decorator than I am (shhh... don't tell him I said that)

Monday morning came, and I felt like I was in a really bad movie. We were snowed in. Most places around town had about 5 inches, but we had at least 8 in our neighborhood. (by my calculations) neither of our cars could get out of the drive, let alone down the street. Cam had planned on going to work for the morning, but was not sure how to get there, let alone get to TULSA. After a couple of phone calls, it was decided we would take his parents vehicle to Tulsa. One problem solved. How to get to them was another story. His dad is a nurse at the hospital, his vehicle was there, with him. We just had to get to the hospital. Only half joking, I suggested calling for an ambulance. I'm sure we would not have been in that much trouble... That was not needed though. Stacy, the best father-in-law ever, came to our rescue. He left work to come pick Cam up, and save the day.
Fast forward to the appointment. We first met with the Dr. who, very quickly told us that we only had one embryo left. Had I not been paying attention, I might have missed that information. He said it had "arrested" in the night. I guess it was a good thing he handles it the way he did. We signed a few papers, and were quickly whisked away to begin the procedure. It took me a bit to fully comprehend what I had been told. We had lost a 2nd embryo. There was only one left. I was happy to have that one, but I was again mourning a tiny bunch of cells that never knew I loved it. I was also mourning my dream of twins. I desperately want more than one child, and we can not afford to do this more than once. While I was believing that this embryo would be the one, and that it would implant and be perfect, both of us were let down because there was no way it would be more than one baby. The procedure went well (ok, as well as a procedure like that can go) and they said that I have one "beautiful blastocyst." I was made to lay down in the recovery room for a half an hour post procedure. As soon as I was in the room, Cam came in, took my hand, kissed me, and then touched my belly. What he did next will forever be one of my sweetest memories. He leaned in close, and whispered to to my tummy, "Hello". It was a silly thing, and a super simple act, but it meant the world. It said it all. I was carrying our child. There was life in me. We had come so far, and gone through so much. There had been so many detours on the road to where we were. Everything leading up to that moment had seemed so dramatic that this anticlimactic conclusion was the perfect end to one journey and the beginning of another.

Day By Day Breakdown of our Embryo Development:

Our Dr. uses the opposite of this chart, and there is no "5". Just think opposite when you are reading the numbers. This is the best example I could find.

Wednesday:
11 eggs harvested
9 ICSI (In normal IVF, many sperm are placed together with an egg, in hopes that one of the sperm will enter and fertilize the egg. With ICSI, the embryologist takes a single sperm and injects it directly into an egg.)

Thursday:
3 fertilized

Friday:
3
2.5
2

Saturday:
4
3
2.5

Sunday:
3
2
lost one

Monday: transfer day
4
lost another