Be Careful What You Pray for!

When I wrote my last blog post, only about a week ago, I was gearing up for our next embryo transfer. Little did I know, my world was about to be rocked.

We found out on Wednesday night of this week (July 15th) that I'm pregnant. For real. No joke.

I just keep asking myself, HOW? That might sound funny to you, especially since we have one surprise baby already, who is 10 months old. But, When you are told that there is no hope for you. When you are told that your ONLY chance of conception is through IVF, and that babies are made in labs, you have a very different thought process about the whole conception idea.

Yes, we got our little Charlie, and were shocked by him, but honestly, in our minds, he was a one-off miracle baby. He beat the statistics, and powered through and he was the exception.

We were wrong.

Apparently, we went from a grim infertility diagnosis of never ever having children naturally, and you should give up on that dream, to reproducing like rabbits. Literally, this pregnancy and the last were initiated AS soon as my body started ovulating again. Both were complete surprises.

I have had to do some soul searching and some major reflecting since finding out about this baby. If I am completely honest, I have not reached the place where I can say I am happy about this pregnancy. I have a lot of emotions about it, some good, some bad, but happy about it isn't one of them -yet. I know I will get there. The shock will wear off, and my heart will catch up with my brain.

I JUST got through cementing in my mind and publicly declaring how precious and valuable we feel life is. I talked about our three frozen embryo babies, and how they are still mine, and still loved and still a big part of our future, no matter how much our lives change or what's going on. Our promise to God, and what I feel is His promise to us does NOT change, based on our changing lives.

God and his promises remain the same and they are steadfast, and I will be steadfast as well.

What right do I have to say, "Well God, It's been a good run, but I didn't sign up for this. You blessed me FAR beyond what I could have imagined (on that note, can we slow down the blessings? They are awesome, but I'm tired!) and I am thankful for it, but I can't hold up my end of the bargain any more. I trusted you as long as it was easy, and preached about sticking with something, even if it was hard, but I didn't think it would be THIS hard."

No. I do not want to keep having babies until I am 40. I don't. That was not in my plan. None of this was. I wanted to be THROUGH having babies by the time I was 30, but our parenting didn't even begin until I was almost 28.

 NO. I did not want a half-dozen PLUS kids. Nope. Nada. Not in the plan. Not in MY plan.

I was so ready to prepare my body for this embryo transfer, and move on with that part of our lives. I was ready to stop worrying about them. Stop paying monthly for embryo storage. I had a plan, and even though it was still a long ways off, I could see how things would turn out. I could see the end of the very difficult baby stage.

We drive a vehicle that can hold six kids and two adults. IF all the embryos took, we were prepared to fill that thing up. We were prepared. Now, if they all take, we will have to buy some kind of van. Seven kids and two adults changes EVERYTHING!

With my plan, I would be through having babies by the time I was about 37. That's blown out of the water.

By my plan, we would have timed it out so that we would have a three year old, and 18 month old and a new born. This baby changes things, and I will have three babies under three for over two months. That thought alone terrifies and overwhelms me. I seriously just want to cry. It's not like those couple of months make that much difference, but MY PLAN made sense in my mind, and this surprise from left field has me reeling, even though it's not THAT far from what I thought it was going to be.

I have said that I feel kinda like a reverse Job. Instead of taking away everything I hold dear, I am being given SO MUCH of what I had prayed for, I literally can't handle it. I am having to, like Job, choose to praise through the storms, and the difficulties and say, "STILL I will praise you!"

Do I think I am being tested? I don't know. I can't say. Is my faith and my world a little rocked right now? For sure. But, I am choosing JOY. I am choosing faith over fear, and reaching out in blind FAITH to the one who holds the universe in the palm of His hand.

Have you seen the Heart & Brain comics? Look them up if you haven't. I truly enjoy them.

I picture myself as one of those comics. Brain is typing this, and listing out all the things, trying to logically make sense of things, and rationalizing everything out. He is making a new plan and trying to adjust schedules, etc. and even happy to do so because he sees the situation for what it is.

Heart is drawing abstract drawings in the sand and sighing. *I just can't* It takes a while for him to catch up.

That conflict is normal. I think that's why those comics resonate with so many people. It's ok to struggle and have inner conflict over things. It's ok to be NOT ok. It's ok to be sad, and have a time of adjustment and even mourning for your envisioned plans.

Then, Its ok to just let go, and move on.

I'm not there yet, but I will be. This is the phase of life when I say, and fully understand, "God, I believe! Help me with my unbelief!"

It's not easy, but EVERY DAY, I have to choose my mindset, and say that I choose JOY. When I'm tired, and my emotions are out of control, the joy of the LORD is my strength.

We are not promised a life without conflict and turmoil, but we are promised a friend and a guide as we navigate it. We are not promised that our every desire will be met, and in the WAY we wanted them to be. We aren't promised our plans, carefully strategized, will happen.

We are asked to step out in FAITH and believe in the promises we DO have, and learn to roll with the punches. God's timing and plan are always the best, even when we don't understand it. He is a big picture God, and we see through a dense fog.


I'm not ok yet. But, I will be.

Where God Guides, He Provides

Formulating thoughts and trying to condense them into a manageable post for others to read and understand is such a huge undertaking! So many times I sit to write, as it helps me to process the thoughts I am having, and I end up frustrated and overwhelmed. How am I supposed to communicate to others my message, if I am confused myself about my emotions and feelings?

As there is quite a bit to cover, I will do my best to NOT write a book on the topic, but bear with me, as it can't be written Reader's Digest style.

Despite being very open about our journey, and knowing SO many who also experience it, I only have a VERY small group - not a group actually,  three ladies, none of which have met each other - who I can talk with when I am struggling or overwhelmed about our infertility and IVF journey. All of them have very different experiences and know me in very different ways. Beyond this blog, as much as I talk about it, and try to advocate for families to have support and love through their infertility journey, I often feel alone.

I have a supportive and loving circle of friends and family who really do try to understand, and do such a great job at listening and making me feel loved, but having that connection of actually knowing the loss and the grief, and not having to explain things is so amazing.

This weekend, I was able to connect with one of my girls. She is an IVF mama who has struggled and we have prayed for each other and cried for each other for years now. I got to talk to her in person about some things. It was amazing. Getting to hash out some struggles we are having and talk about our fears and hopes, and know that she was feeling the same gave me a stronghold and a rope to hang on to.

I'm not saying I am glad that someone else is struggling. I wish no one ever had to deal with infertility and all that it entails. I'm thankful for the connection though. I'm thankful that someone can see my heart and feel my pain, as a mother and understand my hesitations and emotions. We talked with technical, medical terms that we would have to explain to anyone who had not experienced it. It was a free-flowing conversation without the pressure of trying to be understood.

Life is crazy and a little funny. After having that conversation on Saturday evening, I go to church on Sunday and the preacher uses infertility and several stories about it as an illustration in his sermon. I loved it. Although it's talked about in the bible, many times, in the case of Abraham and Sarah, it's focused on the male perspective. (Which, is a valid perspective, and daddies struggle because of infertility too.)

The pastor talked about God's timing and His promises. He talked about the stories of the person who did everything right, and prayed and did IVF and went through such an ordeal, and still had no children to show for it.

I appreciated that. So many times, when we pray, we expect a positive answer. We think that God isn't there, or He is not loving us correctly, or maybe He is punishing us because the prayer wasn't answered in the way we wanted it to me.

God isn't a genie in a bottle. He doesn't say, *Poof* "What do you want?" He is a loving Father, who sometimes say no. Even when it hurts. He also blesses us beyond our wildest dreams sometimes, but for some reason, we tend to remember the hurts far more than the blessings. And, sometimes the blessings are a double-edged sword. They can be painful in their own right, and have consequences we didn't imagine.

The sermon actually made other points, and I'm sure pastor was going for a different message, but this is what I got out of it, and I needed to hear it.

I have been struggling so much lately. I'm stressed and emotional. Along with the rest of the world, COVID has changed so many things for me. I grieve for the state of our world, on so many fronts.  I pray for my babies and the world they have to grow up in, which seems to be a foreign land. It's already so different than the world I grew up in.

I struggle with anxiety and a case of over thinking everything. I hash stuff out and plan until I am certain of the outcome, and then I take action. I would like to be spontaneous, but I really need plans and lists to operate off of to be at peace with situations.

Unfortunately, life doesn't have a playbook. It's messy, and constantly changing.

If you have followed our journey, you know that we did IVF for our first two children, and then we had a miracle baby. That baby is such a blessing in our lives, and was so healing to me in so many ways. However, he was not a part of my plan. His life and all it entailed was not factored in. My perfectly timed calendar of events was thrown out the window with the positive pregnancy test.

We have three embryos left. Three embryos that very well meaning people have suggested we don't need or have any use or responsibility toward, because we can now make babies the 'real' way.

The thing is, those are my babies. Those are my promise to God. When I struggled, and threw metaphorical rocks at the sky and cried and questioned God that He would give me NINE embryos, they were my babies. When I came to grips with our reality, and chose to see them as a blessing, shaken down, poured out and overflowing, they were my babies. When I promised God that I would love and care for each one and we would trust Him for their lives, they were my babies. When God gave us baby Charlie and rocked our world, they were STILL my babies.

I promised God I would raise them if He saw fit for them to live. I told Him that even though His yes answer didn't look like what I wanted, I was going to honor their lives. I thanked Him for our blessings, and told Him that if He would provide, we would step out in faith and do everything we could to give these babies life and raise them in OUR HOME. We are convicted and certain that we are called to raise them - not adopt them out.

None of those convictions change, none of our promises are made invalid, because suddenly our lives took a turn we didn't expect.

On that same vein, just because the world is scary to us, and we don't understand it all, that's not a get out of our responsibilities card. We were never promised that living by our convictions would be easy. Actually, I'd argue that we were told that it would be difficult.

I take comfort in my background in communications and go back to my mass media classes and lean on my love of history and all the reading about various periods. I would argue that the players have changed, and the circumstances are different, but there isn't a whole lot MORE scary stuff going on in the world. The difference is that we know about it. ALL of it.

Within seconds, we know about events taking place on the opposite side of the globe. With social media, live streaming and constant input from every electronic device, we can't help but know what's going on.

I would argue that if any given population in history had this same access to 'news,' they would also be living in fear and questioning things.

I read recently that the human brain was not designed to be able to deal with this much input. That having an almost omnipresent capability is causing damage to our bodies and the mental health of our society. I would probably agree.

This gives me comfort and allows me to see things through my logical sense.

Yes, times are scary. Yes, there is bad stuff going on.

There always has been.

Do I question intentionally bringing more babies into this world? Yes. Do I think it's the best idea? I really don't know. All I know is that God and I have a deal going. I am going to stick with my promise, and He is going to stick with His.

With that being said, I have struggled with telling people or not, but here goes. We go in at the end of the month for a consultation with the IVF Dr.

We are scheduled to participate in the August cycle. If everything works out, we will be doing a transfer in late August or early September.

I am questioning our sanity, but not our commitment. We already love those little lives that hold so much potential and are such a big unknown for us.

I'm honestly terrified. I's not going to be easy.

I honestly think that I have some PTSD around our IVF and infertility experiences. For sure, the thought of the hundreds of shots makes me want to be sick.

I am terrified I won't get pregnant and will be devastated if they don't work. I'm terrified they will all work and I'll end up with more babies. Babies are always a blessing, but I'm not going to pretend they are easy or that it's always fun.

At this point, the plan is to transfer two embryos for this cycle. I am both elated and terrified that we have the potential of having twins.

I'd appreciate your prayers and all the good thoughts you can send our way. While this is a very exciting and happy event for us, as stated above, it's very stressful on SO many levels.

We are putting our trust in God and leaning on His understanding and strength, bur cause we are seriously lacking in both for ourselves right now.

Believing outside of the box

When we got our infertility diagnosis, it was a hard blow. Something precious was taken from us. We mourned that loss and then pulled ourselves together and found help. (You can read all about that journey in previous blog posts.) We have been incredibly blessed through the process of IVF with our two boys. We truly believe they are our miracles.

We have given them and the whole process of creating them to God. We have praised Him for their lives. We have not remained silent about the miracle of our family. 

I didn’t realize it until recently, but Even though I claimed belief and faith and I said, “I believe God can do anything.” I put him into the neat little box of our diagnosis. I prayed for our babies and our family. I prayed for him to touch our lives and to perform miracles, but it was always within my realm of reality. My reality was a diagnosis of infertility. I was happy and content to have God work within that box. 

After I was resigned to what ‘they’ told me was my life, I settled into it. I became a virtual expert in my diagnosis. If anyone had a question, I had an answer. My identity was who I had become because of my infertility journey. It touched every aspect of my life. I bloomed where I was planted, and I grew roots. 

I would never say I loved our diagnosis, but it gave me a purpose. It gave me a platform. It fit my personality. I’m a planner, a list maker and a person who thrives on order. I need things to happen in a logical and orderly manner. IVF, Although not without its pitfalls, was exactly that. Having our three embryos on stand-by was a comfort and you can believe, I had a plan. I knew exactly when we would use each one of them. I planned my future children -my future life- beautifully. 

At my six week appointment after I had F, I was asked what form of birth control I wanted to use. I actually laughed at my Dr. “I don’t want any. We are diagnosed as infertile. If we did get pregnant, I guess it would be a miracle and we would be thankful for it.” Believe it or not, I was almost indignant that she would suggest I could conceive naturally. Didn’t she realize what we had gone through for the last 4 years? She is an IVF mama too -how could she suggest this? 

The idea of somehow conceiving naturally scared me and I didn’t want it. In my mind it would invalidate all the money we had spent and the time and heartache, etc. of IVF. I felt that if this were to happen, it would somehow cheapen what had come before. 

If someone told me that their cousin’s friend’s brother’s wife had a natural baby after IVF, I almost rolled my eyes. That’s nice. It’s not for us. Don’t you understand our diagnosis? We were told that even surgery would not improve our chances. I can make babies, no problem. The factory is open, and ready for business, but the raw materials are a bit lacking. On a scale of 1-5, 5 being completely infertile in every way, and 1 being a fertility god, we are at a 4. We sat in front of the Dr we love and trust and were told that IVF was our only answer. This was the good news! Previous Dr's had told us there WAS no hope. 

God! He is such a good God! Our ways are not His ways. Our thoughts are not His thoughts. 

Last week we found out - QUITE unexpectedly - that I am PREGNANT!  

We were (still are) in complete shock. This is not just a medical improbability, it is an impossibility. This was not a part of the plan. It was bad timing. I had so many reasons rolling through my head as to why the dark pink double line in front  of me shouldn’t be correct. We bought more tests, believing in the almost impossible chance that it was a false positive. (because, can the $1 Dollar Tree test really be accurate?) We were proven wrong. After three tests (yes, I am still tempted to test again every day because I still don’t believe it) it’s hard to deny that I’m having a baby. (Of course, the symptoms I was denying, blaming them on our 8 month old and his poor sleeping habits, etc. are there, and getting harder to ignore.)

God worked outside the box. SO far outside the box. 

He said, you have trusted me when it fit neatly into your plan, and I have blessed you. You trusted me with your health, and done your job. Good for you. Do you trust me, even when it makes no sense? Can you trust me to do something far more than you have dreamt? 

God doesn’t fit into a box. He is outside time and dimension. 

I'm blown away. Despite having experienced this miracle, I’m terrified. I’m basking in the wonder of what God has done for us, and terrified that my body won’t know what to do on its own. 

This is my third pregnancy, and yet I feel completely at a loss. I didn’t plan for this. My babies will be SO close in age (about 16 months apart) and I’m already tired and overwhelmed with two babies. What was God thinking? 

My box has been destroyed and although I’m thankful for the amazing, life changing experience of it, it’s uncomfortable. It’s going to take a lot of getting used to. I doubt myself and my abilities to function and thrive outside of my box. My plan was set up for optimal happiness and convenience for us. 

That plan has had to be incredibly altered. It’s overwhelming. While we are thankful for this baby, we are still going to use the three snowflake babies God has given us. Our plan to use them has been delayed by about two years. To top it off, we now have to worry about the possibility of another surprise pregnancy thrown into the mix. 

It’s all so wonderful and extraordinary I can’t help but laugh. I’m having to learn to roll with the punches and just enjoy my story as it unfolds. It’s not what I had imagined -not AT ALL- but it’s a good story.  

This last week the boy’s barber posted this on his business page. It was like he had posted it just for me:

“My prayer for you today is that you see the possibilities ahead of you instead of the impossibilities. Matthew 19:26 declares, "With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible." I am praying that God would show you that it's time to dream again - and that with Him, all things are possible.”

Crazy Little Thing Called...??

Friends, I’ve been trying to find the right words to share what’s going on with my family right now. I have shared with a few people, but have not 'gone public' with our struggle. We are in the process of (what we hope ISN'T) a cancer scare. Right now we don't have an exact name for what we are facing.  Life really is crazy. The strangest things happen and we just have to roll with the punches. Right now, those punches really hurt, but I know we will make it through this.

As I am struggling with how to present this information, I will just steal some of the messages I have sent out over the last couple of weeks. This is a compilation of notes to family and friends with a few explanations thrown in for your benefit. I hope it isn't too disjointed. Let's call it Letters from Jess, a Journey of Hope. (Or, something way less dramatic. I don't know 😀) 

Written on August 6th, 2018:

I've been sick lately- since before the baby was born. We knew it was thyroid. I have a goiter/ tumor and many of the symptoms of thyroid cancer, which google confirmed. (for better or worse, I can’t stay off of the computer - I’m quite the thyroid expert now. ) We were hoping it was wrong and I would get better. However, I had an ultrasound on Friday {August 3rd}. Cam watched the procedure and said that even to his untrained eyes, it was obvious there was something growing that wasn’t thyroid tissue. The sonographer, although professional, was very somber when she asked me how long I’ve had the growth. You could hear concern in her voice.
The ultrasound results came back today. The dr said they were “very irregular”. And that I have an “extensive” tumor on my right side of my thyroid. It’s 3+cm, which means it’s too large to just cut out or to try to shrink with medication. The tumor is “both fibrous and fluid filled." I haven’t officially been diagnosed, but the dr used the word cancer several times during our conversation. (And we know a dr wouldn’t do so without fully believing that’s what it was.) She said she had been in a consult with a good ENT before calling me, and was communicating what they had discussed. The next steps are a consultation with the ENT and probably a biopsy. I will most likely have at least the right side of my thyroid removed.
I’m going to okc tomorrow to see a naturopath dr for a full blood work panel. I have an appointment with the ENT later in the month. Hopefully we will know more soon.
There is no good cancer, but if there were one, thyroid is 'the kind to get.' Removing the thyroid isn’t life threatening. I’m a bit emotional about it all, but wasn’t shocked when the dr suggested the possibility. We are feeling a little discouraged right now, but we are not without hope. We have praying friends and family who have been lifting us up. I was anointed for healing and prayed over tonight. God knows all. Nothing is a surprise to Him.
We still have a lot of questions and not so many answers. I know those will come in time. I know they might not all be answers we want to hear, but we will be ok. We know where our faith lies. 

Written on August 7th, 2018:

I’m feeling ok right now. I’ve got weak/ dizzy moments and get tired easily, but I’m able to do anything. I’m on a strict no grain/ sugar/ carb diet, to reduce inflammation and sugar in my body. Because of this I’m dropping weight pretty quickly and that makes me feel better in a different way. {dropping baby weight is a total bonus!!} Eating like that is the hardest part at this time. I my CARBS!!

Written later on August 7th, 2018:

My appointment {With Dr. Mary, a naturopath in OKC} was good today. She ordered an extensive blood test (five vials of blood!) and prayed healing “from her head to her toes” and that she would know the best way to help me.  She confirmed that if the biopsy confirms cancer, at least it’s the ‘good’ cancer to have and we can beat it. She wants to get me detoxed from all the chemicals and synthetic hormones I’ve been pumped full of. {Because of going through IVF and all that entails} She gave orders to continue with a zero grain and sugar diet, as well as applying the oils I’ve been using. She said I had a good attitude, which will help with everything. (That was nice to hear)
I go back on the 28th for my follow up appointment. {They have allowed me to do a phone follow up, so I don't have to drive back to OKC.} We will know much more at that time. She also thought F was adorable. {OF COURSE SHE DID! 😃}

Written on August 21st, 2018:

I like Dr. Reeder. He said his wife is a “hippy chiropractor” and he thinks we would be friends. 😁
He put in STAT orders for a biopsy with ultrasound. That could happen as early as this week, or it could be up to two weeks. 
He has a plan to remove the right lobe of my thyroid, he is submitting the request to insurance to get that process started. He won’t move forward with anything though until we get the biopsy results back. {3 to 5 days after the procedure} He said it was a large lump. Because of the size, etc. the chance of a false negative cancer result is a concern. (Tiny needle/ sample vs. a large lump) He said, "if you were my wife or sister, I would want you to have the lump (right thyroid lobe) removed."
He is going to go ahead and schedule the surgery, just to get it on the books. They will call me soon for that. 
He said here is about a 30% chance, {google tells me it's more like a 40% chance. I've GOT to get away from the internet!} even in a perfect operation that the nerve to the vocal cord will get messed up (even just touching it can mess it up - he said it doesn't even like being looked at.) and I will be horse temporarily or even permanently. My cyst (growth, tumor... I've heard all of these terms used.) is located basically right over the nerve that controls my voice. 
IF the biopsy comes back as cancerous, we will remove the entire thyroid and also do the radioactive iodine to kill any thyroid cells remaining in the body. When removing both sides, there is a chance of paralyzing the vocal cords because of the touchy nerve mentioned above. If this happens, I will have to permanently breathe out of a trachea. {We realize that this is the worst case example and are believing that this will not be the case for us.} 
After my surgery, I will have a scar about 3” wide in the middle of my neck. {I'm so vain. I have scheduled family pictures to be taken before I have surgery, just so I don't have a big scar in my pictures. 😊}
If they take out just half, I will not have to take meds or anything. I can function with just half of the thyroid and two of the parathyroid glands. If they take out both lobes, I will have to take calcium and a synthetic hormone for the rest of my life. 
The Dr. was pretty matter-of-fact, and presented a plan that made me confident in him. Cam and I both left there feeling pretty good about our future. It was a lot to take in just over 30 minutes, but we left with most of our questions answered. We were encouraged to contact his office with any questions we had. 
He also took a loot at my ears while I was in the office, and he discovered a ton of scar tissue in my right ear and a hole in my right ear drum, as well as a lot of swelling in my nose. We will be fixing those things at some point in the future - just not now. 

They called to schedule the biopsy today{August 23rd}. We have a 9:30 appointment in the morning. I am so thankful that we have three doctors on our team (so far) who all seem very capable and who are on the ball. We had to wait a while to get the initial appointment with the ENT, but that was only because our appointment was the first opening he had. Dr. Reeder is actually primarily a head and neck surgeon and is THE one we would want to be operating on me.

We appreciate your prayers for our family as we fight this new and uncertain battle. So far I have been pretty positive about it all, but the longer this draws on, the more nervous I get. I've got a lot of fears and I have a lot of things I need answers for, but I know that my Father is bigger than those fears. I know I have hope in Him and that's incredibly comforting.

I would like to thank the friends and family who have supported me (us) during this time. I have had phone calls, texts, offers of help, words of encouragement and many, MANY prayers being lifted up all over the country. I have felt and seen the Lord working through this situation. I wouldn't ask for infertility, or for thyroid disease, or for a cancer scare, or for a horrible wreck, but Cam and I have been through all of these things, and have been able to see the hand of God through them. My story is not over. I know that, and I am confident everything will work out.

We Lied ...er... Changed Our Minds

This is the blog post I have been dreaming of writing - and yet the one I am at a loss for words with.
I have sat and contemplated what to say, how to communicate the story and what funny quips I will use. I am still drawing a blank. My heart is bursting with so many feelings and thoughts that my brain is overwhelmed and a little confused.

We said we wouldn't do a home test before our Beta on Monday.

We lied ...er... changed our minds. 

As I said in my last blog post, which was WAY too long ago, I have not had time to write proper blog entries, so I have been doing shorter posts over on the Facebook page. I should do a summary blog post at some point, but today is not that day. 

Let me begin my story with the end, or rather, the new beginning. I took a test last night and it was positive. After all the treatments and heartache and waiting, we finally got two encouraging pink lines that made my tired heart soar. I am still in shock that I am actually pregnant and moving past this infertility. 

We had our transfer at noon on Thursday, September 7th. Everything went well and two excellent embryos were welcomed home. I thought I was imagining things, but I was convincingly nauseous on 2dp transfer (Saturday) and was encouraged and hoped this was a good sign. 

Every day after that I experienced more and more symptoms, including a two day period of a metabolism that would not shut down. I lost four lbs in two days and could NOT get my body to cool down or stop sweating. The reading I did said this was most likely a surge in HCG. 

Fast forward to yesterday. We said we were  not going to test early, but I was MISERABLE. No matter how much sleep I got, I needed more. I was nauseous, I swear my stomach was actually bigger and I had been having cramps that would take my breath away. I knew I had to be pregnant, but I wasn't 100% sure. The not knowing was torture. Were these things I was experiencing signs of pregnancy, the medications, or simply my brain and heart creating symptoms because I wanted it so badly? 

Every hour or so I was googling another version of the phrase "earliest pregnancy symptoms" or something similar. It got to the point that I actually broke google. Nothing it could throw at me was new or even reassuring any more. The anxiety of feeling like I was about half crazy was wearing on me. (On top of what we now know were actually real pregnancy symptoms) 

We (OK, I) decided to take a test. I knew that evening was not the best time to test, but I live dangerously. At 8:30p last night I took that first pregnancy test. It showed positive in less than 30 seconds. H had followed me into the bathroom and I said, "Yes! I'm pregnant!" He then danced around saying, "Pregnant! Pregnant!" He got to tell his daddy (and then his grandmas) that mommy was REALLY going to have a baby. I even put a 'big brother' shirt on him and made it a fun little celebration. 

Cam wasn't 100% convinced by the test, but the two subsequent tests, both positive, have made him a believer. 

Today I have felt like I am not quite myself. I am on a little bit of a happy high and in a fog of disbelief. The fatigue that won't go away sure isn't helping with these feelings. 

Last night and today I got to talk about my pregnancy. I got to talk about my babies. For the first time they were not hypothetical conversations or 'what if' scenarios. We got to tell close friends and family our news and it was thrilling for me. My due date of May 25th (May 5th if we have twins) isn't just a set of dates I will forget, they are life changing dates for our family. 

We go back to the clinic on Monday the 18th to confirm pregnancy with a blood test. Once we get the results from the clinic we will be scheduled for our next appointments, which include an ultrasound around six weeks (We are 4+1 right now) to determine if we have twins or not. 

We want to thank you for the many prayers and all the love that has been sent our way through this process. Keep 'em coming! The hard part has just started. 

Shining A Light, Even When It Is Difficult

To say the last two days have been hard is an understatement. I have experienced the entire range of emotions and have managed to live through them. 

Without going into the usual detail, I will tell you that after what I thought was another positive ultrasound appointment Monday morning, I got a call that afternoon letting me know they were canceling my cycle. We will not be doing a transfer this cycle after all. 

Once again, I spent the day anticipating news from our clinic. Once again, I checked the portal more times than I should have. I was encouraged to see some lab results, and to my untrained eye, the numbers looked good. I had about doubled my estrogen levels, my progesterone was going up and the lining had grown thicker since my last visit. I just knew there was nothing that could stop us now. 

I was regrettably wrong. Once more, a call that should have brought good news instead brought devastation. 

I managed to hold myself together during the call, fighting waves of nausea and dizziness while trying to pay attention to what was being said on the other end of the line. My life felt like it was again unraveling, and quickly. After getting off of the phone, I sank to the kitchen floor and called Cam. I had already begun to cry and when I heard his voice I lost it. I managed to choke out enough words to let him know about the cancelled cycle.

He left work right then and came home.

I didn't move from that spot on my hard, cold floor. I couldn't move. I was frozen and overwhelmed. I bawled my eyes out. I cried and screamed. I pounded the floor in anger and frustration. My body shook with sobs. There were no coherent thoughts or  actions. I just melted into the floor, feeling like the world was sitting on my shoulders. 

When Cameron got home, he helped me to sit up and held me. We cried together and talked. He cleaned me up as I was covered in tears and snot. I had made a pool on the tile that took four paper towels to clean up. (yeah, it was an ugly cry) 

I am devastated. I most recently wrote about how tired I am and that I just couldn't take another setback. This journey has now extended to almost 9 months. I have calculated four different due dates and heaven has gained six little babies. I have had 110 shots, taken 147 evil birth control pills. I have had two egg retrieval surgeries and one polyp removal surgery and more blood draws and invasive ultrasounds and taken more pills than I care to tally. 

I am exhausted. I am discouraged and I am, to be honest, a little angry. Enough is enough. 

At this point, if we did not already have five embryos we are responsible for and already are in love with, I would quit. If I didn't believe there was valuable life in the lab in Tulsa, I would throw in the towel and call it a day. 

Believing the way I do and living by my convictions even when it is incredibly hard is… incredibly hard. I can see why many people choose to believe that there is no life represented in an embryo or an unborn baby. It is much easier to believe that way. When there is no life, there is no guilt or responsibility. When life isn't at stake, decisions are able to be made with one’s own desires as the only consideration. It would be easier and far less complicated to not believe the way I do.

However, I do believe that there is life created, and I love and value those little lives. God allowed those lives to be and that alone is a miracle. Not at any point would I consider giving them back and not allowing them the best chance of living.  Galations 6:9 comes to mind when I question myself: “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”

Sometimes I am tempted with little whispers of self doubt. I question my beliefs and if they are worth all I am going through. Matthew 5:14-16 says, “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

I have to dare to stand out. My viewpoint may not be the most popular (I know it isn’t) but it could have an impact on others.

I am called to be the light of the world, not matter what, no matter how hard the situation I am going through is. 

My life, and this blog are a light I am shining. I believe in life. I have a responsibility to share that message of life in every way and on every platform I have available. God is able to do immeasurably more than I ask or imagine, and I can not help but be in awe of His unfailing love for me or stop sharing about it. This time of my life is hard. This season is long, and it never seems to end, but I serve a God who controls the wind and the waves. 

Read all of Job 38 here

I know nothing of God’s plans for my life, but I know my calling. It is to share God’s light and love with as many people as I can. It is to live for Him and do what I feel He is calling me to do. no matter how hard it gets, or how much my calling or view conflicts with the world. 

My pain is huge and real. I still find myself crying at random things. My heart is heavy and I feel like I am walking through a bit of a fog right now, but God is the “lamp unto my feet and the light unto my path” and nowhere can I turn that He is not there. He is using my story to impact people around the world. I am able to share from a very real place about LIFE. This does not take away my pain, but it gives purpose to my pain, and that in turn helps me to deal with it. It gives me a direction and a way to cope. 

I am exhausted and at the end of my rope, but I know that God will sustain me. I know that in the end all things will work out according to His plan for me, and that is enough. It is enough for today and it will be enough for tomorrow. 

Chasing My Unicorn (Transfer Day)

I am sorry for the long absence from blogging. I have been updating my Facebook page but have not had the energy to sit and piece my thoughts together for a proper blog post. For those of you following who are interested and have been wondering what's going on, this is for you. If you want, hop over to Facebook and like my page so you don't miss out on any of my updates.

It has been almost a month since I last blogged, and longer than that since I actually talked about the procedure we are going through. Honestly there hasn't been a lot going on. I've been on medications and that's about it. The uneventful reality of fertility treatments. You can go for long periods of time without change and then all of a sudden, there is so much going on it is hard to take it all in.

For over a month now I have been on Lupron injections once a day. These are not too bad, but do give me headaches. Because of the candida diet I am on right now, I am not supposed to have caffeine, but I cheat and have a couple of cups of my beloved black coffee every day. It is the one thing that actually helps the headaches. Tylenol, etc. does nothing to touch these bad boys, and if I get one I am good for nothing for the entire day. It is a cheat that is entirely worth it, and I am happy to do it because, let's face it, life without my coffee would be pretty bland.

On top of the lupron, I am on estrogen patches. I started out with one patch on July 6th and have increased to four patches now. I change these every other day. These babies pack a powerful punch. Since starting them I have had several bad days. Situations and issues that would simply annoy me or rub me the wrong way before estrogen have made me have small breakdowns. I find myself crying at the slightest provocation and I get emotionally and physically exhausted much easier than I should. I am a hot natured person, and the hormones do not help. I am sweaty and gross much more than I would like to be. This makes the patches slip and slide and lately I have been having a hard time keeping them on. I am thankful for the candida diagnosis I received last month and the incredibly strict and healthy diet I have been on because I think it has given me a boost to help combat some of these symptoms. If I were turning to sugar and carbs I am sure I would not only weigh a lot more, I would have depression issues again, etc. (Side note, if you have not noticed, I am ALL ABOUT the candida diet. You should check it out. I have created a pinterest board of inspiration if you are interested.)

I also take a baby aspirin every day, which isn't bad at all until I cut myself shaving and then I bleed like a stuck pig. (excuse the colloquialism) The other medicine I have been on is a viagra suppository that I have to take vaginally every morning. This does... absolutely nothing. (Sorry honey) It may contribute to the bleeding when I get cut, but that's about all the symptoms I can detect from it. Besides being a little messy and awkward, it is pretty benign.

I did have surgery this month (the 20th) to remove three uterine polyps (which were, thankfully, benign.) This set our FET transfer cycle back by about 5 days. Everything went well and I am polyp free. It did end up costing us about $8k out of pocket, which isn't any fun, but it is what it is. What's another $8k? *sarcasm* The irony of this is they charged me $130 for a pregnancy test they insisted I take before the procedure. I assured them I was not pregnant and if I was it was a miracle and they needed to call a news station, but they HAD to have that pregnancy test result in the records before I could have the procedure. I awkwardly peed in a cup with all my IV cables hooked up, etc. which was quite an act. They dipped a .50 cent test into the urine and waited three minutes while talking to me. Sure enough, it was negative. (imagine that) This cost me $130. I won't go into how I feel about that, but let's just say that in my estrogenated state, I was more than displeased when I saw the bill. 

We have spent quite a bit of time at my parent's house. This has helped to pass the time that seems to want to creep along. Every day of waiting and anticipating feels like a week. Mom and dad put up a pool and H and I enjoyed swimming several times a day. We have also been enjoying a friends' pool here in town with Cam's mom. H and I are both tan and blonde and are enjoying the summer, despite the heat. 

That's the general, Reader's Digest version of events the last month or so. Now, on to the current goings on. 

Yesterday we had our long-awaited lining check ultrasound. If my life were a movie, this would be the iconic date circled in bold red marker on my calendar. It would have arrows pointing to it and exclamation marks, etc. This is the appointment that was to be the catalyst, the jumping-off point for the downhill slide of the FET cycle. This appointment marked the beginning of the long-awaited end. Almost eight months of treatments, medications, heartaches and hopes were all going to be fulfilled and justified at this appointment. 

The appointment was one of the quickest ones I have had so far. They managed to get my tiny veins to cooperate and I only had to be stuck once for the blood draw. I didn't have to wait long for the Dr. once I was in the room, and the ultrasound was a really quick one. It took me longer to get undressed and dressed again than to do the ultrasound. The words, "Perfection" and "This is exactly what I want to see" came out of the Dr.'s mouth. I was told to check my portal for updates. I left the office on top of the moon. Transfer day was going to be less than a week away. 

At one of our appointments last month I asked our Dr. about the general timeline for an FET schedule. He said that at the linking check, if everything looked good, transfer would be about 6 to 8 days later. I did the math, chose a date in the middle and have been telling people my transfer would be about the 26th of July. This made sense to me based on my LMP and the ovulation timing, etc. I calculated my due date off of that timeline. I began making childcare arrangements and planning family visits with visiting relatives around that timeline. The 26th, in my mind's calendar was covered in glitter and brightly glowing. It was a magical, unicorn date... TRANSFER DAY. 

I was riding on a bit of a high yesterday because of the good news we received. After all the setbacks and cancelations and failures, we just needed something to go right for us. We needed to feel like we were making forward momentum and not being dragged ever backwards. We finally had that. My body was doing just what it needed to be doing, and we would actually be able to stick to the timeline. 

Being the obsessive person I am, I might have checked our portal a couple of times an hour for an update yesterday. I knew I would be told to start progesterone shots as well as several other medications that prepare my body for receiving the embryo. I knew what would be coming, I just needed the okay to begin the new treatment. I was relieved when Cam's mom invited us to go swimming at a friend's house. I would have an excuse to get out of the house, relax and ignore the portal for a couple of hours. 

While we were swimming, I got a missed call from the clinic. Excited and hopeful, I called them right back and all but danced on the pool deck while waiting for the right person to come on the line. Excitement turned to tears with only a couple of words. They needed to know what pharmacy they should call another medication in to. I guess the glowing report I had received wasn't all I thought it had been. They need my lining to develop more than it has, so they prescribed me Estrace, another estrogen medication. I take this, along with all of my other medications until Monday.

Instead of a transfer on the 26th, I have another ultrasound on the 24th and we go from there. This is another delay of about 4 days or so. I have no way of knowing at this point.

I hear you laughing a bit at my dramatic recounting that lead up to ONLY a 4 day delay. Four days is nothing! Four days isn't worth being worked up about. 

Four days is an eternity. 

Add up all the delays and cancelations and rescheduling together and it almost equals a typical pregnancy gestational period. I have been pumped full of medications and not had a break from pregnancy hormones in my body since November, when we started this process. I am tired. I am discouraged and I am struggling to believe I will ever be pregnant. Every time I feel I have a grasp on what I want, it fades out of sight. Every delay means more medications, more money, more stress and more waiting. I am so tired of the waiting. 

Transfer day really is my unicorn. I'm beginning to question if it exists for me. I was at transfer day once before this year. I was on the way to the clinic. I had followed all the instructions and I was excited to receive the little life I had prayed for and agonized over. We got a call on the way to the clinic that our little embryo had not survived and we would not do a transfer. I can not describe the feeling. A miscarriage, a death, the crushing of my hopes and dreams. 

Infertility treatments are a roller coaster of emotions and you never know if you are going to go for a loop, a vertical drop or a sharp turn. You are in the pitch black and even the experts cannot assure you of what is going to happen. The track changes mid-ride. The anticipation and the dread battle with the excitement and never go away. Nothing you can do will distract you from the fact that you are on the ride and you could experience change - good or bad - at any moment. Four more days of this torture is four days too long. I have been on this coaster for months and I am ready for something a little less thrilling. I need stability for a while. I need progress. Starting the ride over again and again on a seemingly endless loop this year has about done me in. 

Yes, pregnancy - especially a twin pregnancy-  is an adventure in and of its self, but at least it is a change of scenery. There is more of a road map for it and it is a bit more predictable. There is forward progress, marked my visible changes in my life and my body. It is more of a public event and people know how to be involved in a pregnancy. Even the kindest, most loving family members do not understand or know how to be involved with fertility treatments. You feel alone and misunderstood and vulnerable most of the time. Infertility is isolating and depressing. 

As I read back through what I just wrote, I think I did a good job describing the emotions and the reality of what is going on. I do not write to get sympathy or attention. I write because I feel it is my calling. Others going through this need to know that they are not alone. They need to be able to relate to someone who actually gets it. Family members of infertile couples who do not know how to express their feelings need to be able to read our story and understand what their loved ones are going through. Our fellow infertile couples also need to know that there is hope. 

Despite all my anxiety and yes, even depression, etc. I have hope. Ephesians 3:20 says, "Now to Him who is able to do infinitely more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us..." I know that I have the God of the universe caring for my eight little babies in heaven. That same God is looking out for my five frozen embryos and already knows their future. He also has my son's precious life in His hands. Even on the hardest of days I know I can turn to Him. I serve a God who creates and orchestrates life and cares about His creations. 

Living with this firm foundation under me and depending on the stability it gives puts a spin of power and hope on a situation that would otherwise be hopeless. There is power in the blood of Jesus, and I know that it covers me and all of my children. The blood washes me clean and gives me a bigger picture view of the process. I still hurt and I still grieve and I am very much human, but I cling to the promises I have through my relationship with Jesus Christ. 

I tell my story to honor God and share how He has been faithful to us and been the light we needed even in the darkest and scariest of situations. When we get to the end of ourselves, He is ALWAYS there to sustain us and lift us up. He has sent us support and encouragement through family and friends. He has shown us love in physical, tangible ways and emotional, spiritual ways. He is always there, always able, and always enough. "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

1. 
   
   Would you be free from the burden of sin?
   There’s pow’r in the blood, pow’r in the blood;
   Would you o’er evil a victory win?
   There’s wonderful pow’r in the blood.
   
   
   Refrain:
   There is pow’r, pow’r, wonder-working pow’r
   In the blood of the Lamb;
   There is pow’r, pow’r, wonder-working pow’r
   In the precious blood of the Lamb.
   
   
   Would you be free from your passion and pride?
   There’s pow’r in the blood, pow’r in the blood;
   Come for a cleansing to Calvary’s tide;
   There’s wonderful pow’r in the blood.
   
   
   Would you be whiter, much whiter than snow?
   There’s pow’r in the blood, pow’r in the blood;
   Sin-stains are lost in its life-giving flow;
   There’s wonderful pow’r in the blood.
   
   
   Would you do service for Jesus your King?
   There’s pow’r in the blood, pow’r in the blood;
   Would you live daily His praises to sing?
   There’s wonderful pow’r in the blood.